A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am unsure of how to proceed.My ex (I guess) broke up with me back in September because I waned him to spend more time doing things with me because all he did was play video games. I wanted to go out and do things.After a lot of fighting he said we could work in things. I asked "since we are working on things are we back together?" He said "I don't know."We have been talking for the past month and trying to work on things but he still will not budge on his belief that we should only do things together if we both enjoy it. My stance is that you should do things with your SO that your SO enjoys even if you do not, at least every once and awhile.My problem with his stance is that he literally does nothing with his life but work, game, and eat fast food. The only activity/event he goes to a year is the State Fair once just to eat food and leave.We argue a lot for "working on things." and at times he has gotten mad and stopped talking to me.He never officially asked me back out so I thought that we were single and working towards getting back together.Since we fight so much and he still won't change his view or try and spend more time with me, and I have not seen him in over a month I felt like it would be fine to see what else was out there.He found out that I was invited to a date (have not gone yet) and he flipped out saying I cheated on him and that we were dating and I was talking to other men behind his back.I thought we were separated? He will not believe me and keeps saying that I am lying and that I knew we were together.I told him last weekend that it had been a month and I had seen no improvement on his part and that I deserved a man that would treat me better. How does he think we are together?I am not sure what to do. I really want to go on this date but now I feel like a cheater and a terrible person. I also don't want to hurt him and go on this date.I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Should Ii give up on me ex (maybe boyfriend) and take a chance with this date? Or should I tell the date I cannot come?Should Ii keep trying with the ex (maybe boyfriend) or move on?He is a sweet guy, he just has his priorities mixed up and doesn't try new things.
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broke up, move on, my ex, video games Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 Tell him it is over, you gave him a chance since your last post and he blew it, he is not going to change. So remove yourself from the situation tell him it is over for good and move on. Go on your date.
A
female
reader, defer2ok +, writes (19 October 2016):
He may have said he was breaking up with over what you want him to do, which is pretty shitty of him. But for you to be nagging all the time isn't helping find something else to do. If you aren't happy you could break up with him. What you are feeling is sentimental, and he is feeling the same. Because you were not happy, don't second guess that, it hurts growing apart, it also hurts not finding a compromise. Think about this if you and he aren't willing to give right now the best thing to do is part. I hope you're not the one who told him about your date that won't have been cool. Because guys act like they don't feel but they do and if you're going to tell him things about your life never mention other men, because you're not going to get him back like that. There isn't anything wrong with dating, but be discreet and don't have sex until you are sure that it is over with him in your heart. To find this out for yourself and to see if he really wants you. Stay away from him don't call don't text and don't answer his text if you can avoid it, for at least 30 days and if you still want to be with him. Then send a short text saying you saw something that reminded you of him and it has been a while so you thought you would say hi.If he text back play it from there. If you do meet and talk do not bring up any old issues. but don't make him think you are trying to get him back because you're not. If he has made changes you will see it, and he will see yours. But you must abide by the no contact rule. The only way to get a man to see that you're worth more to him is if you're gone. If he is still doesn't come around you will be okay cause you have a life. Sometimes love doesn't last forever and all you can do is be thankful for the time you did spend together and wish him well.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 Your EX boyfriend, I mean.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 October 2016):
You're not a cheater. You aren't in a relationship with your boyfriend. He said so himself when he said 'I don't know'.
All he wants to do is play video games anyway, so that's not dating. Cut this guy loose, stop explaining and defending yourself. Block and delete him and make a fresh start elsewhere.
And don't bother with men who play video games. That's pretty much all they do and you can't compete with the immediate gratification and guaranteed rewards of the virtual world. So don't even try. Just move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2016):
 You already know you two are NOT a good match so why are you trying so hard?
He lied to you initially about his interest, to match them up with yours. THAT was how he got you hooked, you then saw that he lied and you STILL?! stick it out with him? Why? Why waste your time on someone that isn't GOING to be a good partner for you?
You two are a square peg and round hole - but you think you can FORCE and CHANGE him into a round peg. And he just doesn't care enough either way.
People in relationships don't OWE their partner to do things the other person like. That is not how it works. That is what friends are for. My husband has interests that I'm NOT interested in, and I have some HE isn't interested in. We also have a BUNCH we both are interested in and THOSE we share. I don't MAKE him go do things I'm into. He doesn't MAKE me do things I have not interest in.
Being a couple doesn't mean glued to each other's hips. But it DOES help if you as a couple SHARE things in common, because that GIVES you a chance to do things together. Share things.
The whole "you are cheating" well it's neither here nor there... BUT if you claim to be "working" on things then you shouldn't be talking to other dude or plan dates. That isn't working on it. So I also get why that upsets him.
I think you should just face reality. REALITY is you and this "ex" are not a good match and never will be. He wants to play video games you want to do things. He is the one that was a dick to your sister and HER wedding, right? THAT should tell you SO much about him. HOW little things that matter to you matter to him.
LET him go. Go talk to other guys, go on dates. BUT don't do this half-assed. Either you WORK on things or you are done.
My advice? Be done don't waste any more time on him. This is not a salvage relationship.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 What exactly are you attracted to? It sounds like you have nothing at all in common.
You've given him the time to change and he hasn't, you want to go on this date, so do it. You've explained you've seen no improvements so it's his own fault.
Nothing to feel guilty about. Enjoy your date
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): You can't take a month off and not explain what you;re doing, then come back laying claims on a relationship. That's immature thinking, and it just isn't done like that.
You haven't worked anything out, and I don't know what you mean when you say you were working on it? I assume that means it comes up in an argument and he says he'll work on it? So he's considered working on it, as long as you don't mention it again?
How indifferent to you must he act before you decide to tell him it's over?
You are both behaving like confused teenagers. You really have no relationship, and it doesn't exist unless YOU decide you're going on a date without officially telling that jackass it's over. He's protecting his male-pride and ego, because he doesn't want it to get out to his buddies that you're seeing another guy. Otherwise; he doesn't give a rat's pa-tooty! Your relationship isn't emotional, it's like something you wear. You put it on, and take it off when it feels uncomfortable.
He comes out of nowhere and accuses you of cheating?
Girlfriend...seriously?!! You feel guilty? About what exactly?
You have to at least detach emotionally; and wait to get him out of your system before going on the rebound. Guys will play you when they know you're in-between boyfriends and in a vulnerable state of mind. The sex for them is fantastic. They feel they have power over your emotions.
Was it a real date, or just to make him jealous so he'd react? Odd that he would find out someone asked you out. That would only happen if you notified mutual friends to get the word out. He's a man-child who plays video games and stuffs his face for entertainment. He doesn't really know why he has a girlfriend. You don't know when to let go of a guy who doesn't show you love.
Being a sweet guy doesn't mean he gives a sh*t about you. Only that he's a sweet guy. Oh he cares if he thinks you're boinking another guy. That's strictly out of pride and possessiveness. That has nothing to do with caring; or you wouldn't have reason to seek advice. You're a piece of property like one of his video games. He treats you like one of his old games on the shelf he doesn't play anymore.
Send him on his way. Then take some time to establish and absorb the fact that you have broken-off the relationship. Make sure you're not stuck in a cycle of running back and forth to each other out of nothing more than childish jealousy. He only wants to be with you when there's the threat you might see somebody else. Stupidity like that has to be kicked to the curb. You've got to grow-up and stop "working on it" all by yourself.
Clarify in no uncertain terms that he is your ex. Not just to go out with some other guy. Don't stick some unsuspecting guy in the middle of your drama, just to have guys fighting over you. You'll end up the loser. He'll take you back just for the opportunity to dump you to punish you.
There is nothing to work out. You can plead and nag all you want to. It hasn't worked for you yet, has it?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 October 2016):
 A question: what do you and this guy have in common? I cannot see any sign of anything. He may be a "sweet guy" but that is not enough to sustain a relationship long term. I think you have answered your own question really in this: "I told him last weekend that it had been a month and I had seen no improvement on his part and that I deserved a man that would treat me better."If he can't be bothered to make any effort to keep you - which, let's face it, he hasn't done, despite you telling him straight what changes you wanted - then you need to say "You are a sweet guy but you are not for me. I hope you meet someone who will be happy doing nothing with you and sitting by while you play your games." Then go on as many dates as you want to. And be a bit more choosy next time. Don't go out with a guy just because he is "sweet". Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 Move on. You can bring the horse to the water but you cannot make it drink. You and this guy are incompatible, you want and like very different lifestyles- what's there to work on ?
Personally I do not agree on your concept of forcing the other person to do things together even if he / she does not like them, as a proof of loyalty and devotion,... for the simple reason that this is a superfluous issue. Ideally you should not find yourself in this type of situation where OFTEN there's a need for either one to sacrifice. I think it's not just easier but basically much wiser to choose someone who shares , more or less, your interests , and the organizarion of your free time, and , exceptionally, if there's something one partner can't stomach, the other one can happily go alone and enjoy it nevertheless.
For instance, I like strange stuff, I mean, it's not realy strange because there are tons of opera fans and ballet fans, but.. not so much among young men. Never met one who were heterosexual and also raring to spend the evening watching "The Swan Lake ". No problem. I'd see my " Swan Lake" by miself , and let them go by themselves to watch ,say,a basketball game that does not interest me at all.
But , that's one ,or two things. I could not be with someone who does not like ballet and also does not like movies, nor theatre, nor books, nor dining out, nor art etc.etc. And , more than a problem of specific interests, it's a problem of lifestyle. I am sedentary , I can't be happy with a sporty, high energy marathone runner . I almost don't drink, I can't be with a heavy drinker and this not out of moral judgement but because spending hours in a bar nursing the one and only drink which I am gonna have , would bore me to tears.
And so on and so forth.
Now , if you want we can put on a slag -fest against your ex, and call him selfish, immature,lazy, and all the names you want, but, at the end of the day , he is who he is, i.e sedentary, unsociable, a bit of a nerd- and you must be a different type of person, and never the twain shall meet.
So, give up your attempts of reshaping him and go look for someone who is more compatible with you.
As for the issue of this date you are having, this is sort of a gray area. My opinion is that technically you have not cheated and technically you have not broken any rule, since you are NOT together now. When you asked " are we back together " he said " I don't know " , which is a no, basically- because any other answer to a simple YES or NO question, which is not a resounding YES !... then is a no.
But, it must be said that if you were serious about " working on things " , well, the most correct and effective way to work on things with somebody is surely NOT that of having a look around and start dating other people. It sort of dents your credibility. I think the right thing to do in these cases, is to decide for how long you will try to fix things ( 1 month, or 6 months, or whatever you want ) and focus on the attempt seriously - and monogamously. The way you went about things, makes it a bit look like , even if you weren't officially together, you threw two baits and were waiting to see which fish bites first. So I can understand why your ex could be a bit upset, even if technically he has no right to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): Hi OP, Since you have been very clear with your boyfriend about what your expectations are from a relationship and he hasn't taken anything on board, I think you need to let go. Is he 26-29 too? He sounds very immature and boring TBH. Expecting your partner to take an interest in your interests is not a lot to ask. In my opinion you haven't cheated and you should go on this date. Good luck!
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