A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for some perspective on a recent situation I experienced that has left me a bit confused.I dated a guy for about 5-6 months. During the entire relationship, we got alone EXCEEDINGLY well. I have never dated anyone as attentive or tender as this individual. Nor have I had such a level of connection as I experienced. I am somewhat new to dating, after getting out of a long term relationship that ended poorly, almost two years ago. The majority of the time we dated, I was deep down worried that I was using him as a rebound, as I continuously felt as though he liked me way more than I liked him. I tried to keep things as casual as possible for a period of time, and my feelings for him grew, and I began to take things a bit more seriously.... that is, until he very, very suddenly broke it off with me.I was left very confused, but cut contact and began to try and move on. A few weeks after this, he contacts me to clear the air and basically says that he left me because - my weight became "too much of an issue" and caused him to throw his whole life out of balance because he was "suppressing his feelings". When he broke up with me, the reason he gave at that time was that I was the only thing that he looked forward to, the only good thing in his life, and he didnt want to be obsessive and take anything to an unhealthy place. (He was a very depressed individual, and what some would outwardly consider to be a "loser" - not to be harsh.) Quite the contrast from that reason to me being too BIG for him. I don't really know WHAT the real reason was and I probably never will - neither reason makes a lot of sense given his actions and both contradict each other. I called him out on this during our last conversation, which didn't go very well, as I was pretty offended (I hadn't even contacted him for several weeks and he out of the blue told me this). I somewhat blew up at him, which was a first for either of us - we never really fought or argued during our entire relationship. It ended with him ignoring me completely.What I am looking for advice on is, I've never had someone behave with as much intense desire for me as this person did sexually. I've been with a few people, and you can generally TELL if someone isn't that INTO it, if you get what I'm saying. This person and I had seemingly effortless sexual chemistry, he never had any problems, in fact- he wanted to sleep with me far more often than I him. He repeatedly told me I was the best sex of his life, just overall a very passionate bond in that AREA. Perhaps this is TMI - but at multiple points during our intimate relationship- I made him cry while "in the act" (Good tears, not bad). I'm confused now - Are men able to just simply ignore that they don't find someone that attractive physically (due to weight) and have such intense intimacy for months? I always assumed that lack of physical attraction for another person would result in a LACK of intimacy, avoiding it completely. I'm left feeling as though... the next person I'm intimate with, can I trust that they ACTUALLY find me attractive if men can fake that sort of intensity?? I move a bit slow when getting to know someone as well, and physical chemistry is very important to me, as I need to be able to express that part of myself with whoever I'm with. If anyone has any sort of perspective or insight on this - it would be greatly appreciated. I have no plans of seeing this person again after what he said, but I also want to avoid this happening with the next person I date... If i can.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2016): You have got some good answers.
I want to add, I have NEVER heard of sex bringing a man to tears of joy.
My guess is that he has deep psych problems and you are lucky to be away from him.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 October 2016):
 Don't think that there was anything wrong with you for being with him, because there wasn't. These things happen and he needs to deal with his own issues. It does not mean you cannot trust others, and it does not mean that he never cared and always lied. You just cannot trust him as his words and actions don't match up. He seems to have a lot of issues and he needs to solve them himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2016): This is the original poster of this question.
He insisted the reason wasn't that he was embarrassed, only erotic. He introduced me to his friends, coworkers, was more physically affectionate than any person I've ever been with, in public as well as private. I had to ask him on more than one occasion to scale back on the affection... as I'm not comfortable with over the top PDA. I kept thinking that... WOW, this is how someone who likes you is supposed to treat you when they ACTUALLY like you.
It's just puzzling... and I find myself questioning... can I really trust anyone?? If someone can fake it that well??
My brain leans towards his own insecurities and depression. Huge red flag right before we broke up... he said "something must be wrong with you if you like me."
I accept that I'll never know... really, what was going on in his head. Oh well.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (17 October 2016):
His actions say more than any words do. So believe them and do not let him hurt you with his words. I am not sure why you he would say this to you. My guess is that he wants to hurt you, maybe he wants no contact with you and that is why he said it, or maybe he is down about himself and is lashing out on you, either way remember the relationship through his actions.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 Let me begin with saying that when people bring up different and contrasting reasons for a break up- generally there's no specific reason, - they were just not feeling it anymore , it's not this thing or that, it's like the interest has waned , the energy level has dropped, and it's not one specific thing over another. It's as if the initial attraction has not found its way to take roots and turn into feelings, has not grounded itself and so it just dwindles in time. Maybe this guy was just tryng to make sense to himself and to you, of why things sizzled then fizzled - but basically he does not even know, other than, what he felt was not strong enough to last.
Anyway, yes, I agree with Ciar, I think it is possible to have hot sex with someone you don't find partcularly attractive. At least, once I had this very same issue explained to me by a classmate. ( Classmate in acting school- young, and vain and insecure, like many young actors , so no wonder he had " public image" problems :) He told me that he was going to dump the girl he was dating because he had a big problem with her ( big ) weight, but he knew he was going to miss her , among other things ,also because she was the best , hottest sex ever. I was amazed, and I asked him this very question, how was it possible to have the hottest sex with a person he did not even find physically attractive.
He told me that fucking a woman it's not like painting her portrait, you do not have to admire her- or even to keep your eyes open during the act.
They were connecting very well at a primal, animal level. he loved her smell, the sounds she made, the way she felt down there (... to not be too graphic ). She was wild , adventurous, she knew how to touch him and what to tell him to turn him on, and , since, making love is like sort of a dance, they had found instinctively a common groove and a common rythm that worked for them. So, the SENSATION was great , even if the physical features not so much.
As disheartening as this is - I think it 's quite possible, at least for some men, to operate like this :
" looks bad, but FEELS great ".
So, how would you know if your next lover is really attracted to you, in the sense that he also finds you visually, not just eroticallu attractive ?
Not that difficult. As usual, look at what they do outside of bed. Bed is a very confusing and ambiguous place to define things and know what is what. It's paying attention to what happens when you are not in bed that tells you the truth.
A man who is attracted to you will FLAUNT you, he will catch any possible occasion to show you off to his friends, acquaintances and even unknown people. Even if he is not the PDA type, or the guy who never goes around holding hands, when in public his body posture will subtly show that you are together, because he's proud of it . He will look at you a lot when you talk, he will keep eye contact often. He will take a lot of pics of you. He will notice what you wear , you won't have to TELL him that you have shortened your hair a bit or added a few highlights. He will touch you often, instinctively, and not in an overly sexual " yo let me grab this ass " way.
This is just an example, I guess everybody has their own code, their own signs to show they are attracted, and as with any code probably it takes a while before decoding and learning it, but, again, I am sure that what happens in daily life counts more and says more than what happens JUST behind closed doors.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 It's quite possible that he was a bit embarrassed by your weight. When you're alone, he can enjoy your company, but out in public he's worried what others are thinking. That's on him though.
It's a shame this has happened, but now you don't have to feel bad about possibly using him as a rebound (even though it wasn't your intention anyway) and he's shown who he is early on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): "can I trust that they ACTUALLY find me attractive if men can fake that sort of intensity?"
Boys lie. If a boy simply wants to get laid, he will fake attraction. He will tell you that you're beautiful and gorgeous etc.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2016):
 Was it your weight?
I kind of doubt it. While there is a saying "men can have sex with "anything" with a pulse" - that might be correct for a one night stand, but to begin and carry on a relationship for a month? Nah, don't believe it.
I think in his own misery (depression) he knew he wasn't a long-term catch, he might even have felt your hesitation (even if you were more worried about it being a rebound) so when he ran out of steam, he ran. Only to contact you to hurt your feelings. THERE was NO need for him to reach out to you to tear you down. THAT, I think was his depression speaking. He feels like shit on a daily basis, so for whatever reason, he felt YOU should feel like shit too. And what better spot to HIT you with than you weight/size? *what a gem of a man!* (that was sarcasm)
So, what can you learn from this?
Well, a relationship that starts off like a bottle rocket, all full of fire and spark rarely lasts. Dating people who are NOT in a good space (head space or whatnot) is not a good idea.
In the future avoid men with mental health issues who are NOT actively dealing with them and working on them. Don't go for fixer uppers. It's way too much work way, too little return. And honestly? You deserve more.
This isn't about you not being "skinny enough" or this or that enough... THIS was all him. (and well, you having a moment of "bad" taste in men).
Let it go and move on. (oh and block him)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): I seriously suspect this guy ended the relationship for any reason but your figure or your weight.
Perhaps he had another woman whom he'd been seeing before you and maybe carrying on with you was becoming risky!
He used the weight excuse so that he could give you something tangible to blame you for and also so that you wouldnt look too deeply at him.
As for the mindblowing sex resulting in goodtears ..well pass the tissues my dear, you will have them queueing up for you if you advertise that too much!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 I suspect this is one mixed-up guy. To answer one of your questions: no, it is NOT normal to be so intensely into someone who you find "off putting" in some way. At least it isn't for a healthy individual.
I wonder if someone has said something to him about your weight and he is insecure enough to then see it as an issue when it wasn't really?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): I am sorry but i think your guy is a little cukcoo. The first reason he gives he can not see you anymore is that he wants to see you all the time?? How crazy is it?? And then your weight?So, he basically telling you that the whole time he slept with you he was not atracted to you? This is just crazy! How you describe it lovemaking was very passionate and frequent. I know for a fact that guys can have sex with anyone. They dont really need to like a girl to have sex with her even physically. Its hard for us women to comprehend it but its a fact. If they have a hard on, anyone would do. A crack hooker with no teeth would do to. But in your case it lasted months, and as you say it was loving and full of fire. I think his depression makes him like this. He sounds like he does not know what he wants and out of his mind.I dont have an answer on how to avoid it. But hopefully his behaviour is not a norm, and you wont get to meet another crazy person like him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): In life you should always look at someone's actions not their words. That's the truth. Added to that who on earth dumps someone then returns a fortnight later to add insult to injury. You need to question why he felt the need to contact you after you'd split up and moved on. Spite perhaps? Is he upset you haven't contacted him and begged him to get back with you? Or guilt? By blaming you for it (your supposed weight problem) he's off the hook isn't he?Whatever the real reason (perhaps he just can't cope) you've mentioned how depressed he is so he probably doesn't know why he dumped you. Men know the best way to wound a woman is by questioning their attractiveness. He wasn't being kind.If he hadn't found you attractive he'd never have been with you in yhe first place so if I were you I'd forget it and move on.
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