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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my BF for 4 years. We are each in our late 20's/early 30s. I have my own house. He still lives at home. He was studying which is why he stayed there, but he could have moved out by now! (has it too good!).A big concern for me is that he tells me that me building/buying my own home was the biggest mistake of our relationship. For me, its a great achievement to be able to do it so young. I started on it before i met him and there were a few delays. He encouraged me to do it as well when i had the chance to back out if i wanted to. He wont move in for numerous reasons (all which i think are a cop out). He keeps asking me if he has to move to another state for work, will i follow him. I would like to but i have my house, family and i job that i like and that pays well! He thinks because he had to study his job is more important than mine because i didn't. (I actually earn more money than him at the moment!). He's told me that it is my choice if i move with him and that i'll just have to find a job else where but if i dont, he doesn't see it lasting adn that i'll have to find some one else. He tells me its my choice but it seems like an ultimatum. I think one thing that is holding me back is that he never seems serious about marriage or children. It scares the hell out of me to give up everything here to move with him and then 6 months down the track it doesn't work. I know it could be the same even if you are married. I wouldn't like leaving my job etc but if we were engaged, i think i would feel differently. An outside opinion would be great..thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): Please do not do it . Don't move to be with him. You are basically giving up you independence to depend on him and there is no guarantee that he is going to marry you. He seems to be selfish and the relationship should work only to uplift him and not you. If you start doing it so soon he will keep asking you to sacrifice your career so he gets ahead. I was in the same situation three years ago. Moved to another city so my them boyfriend could get his PHD.I left my good job in the old state to settle in a poorer state. Well seven years later ...he was still asking me to move again to better his career at the expense of mine. Now we are divorced I lost a lot of job opportunities because of the moving around and I basically have to start building my resume from scratch and note he did not even get that PHD!
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 I had a similar situation like yours… Career, stability and security… So I put this to my then boyfriend of 4 years, since I’d be the one to uproot and forgo my Career, Family etc., whether he would be prepared to pay for me and my chattels to move across to his State for a years trial together?I thought this was a fair ultimatum as I’d be the one jobless, and otherwise loose my rank in my then career, be partially dependent on him etc. and if it didn’t work out, I’d at least have protected myself financially and my job at home by taking unpaid leave. All in all, the CHOICE WAS HIS to put his money where his mouth is!Here you have someone who gets a free ride at home, makes no real commitment or has any prospects for the future with you, and is already huffing and puffing that his job is more important than yours!? I believe you’re scared because you value your security and peace of mind – stability as opposed to chaos? Plus the unknown is always a little frightening, but seldom with the right person!? Apparently he can’t even move ‘two inches’ for you for numerous reasons, but puts hypothetical questions to you about you moving ‘hundreds of kilometres’ across state for him! Sorry, but you stay secure and keep your feet on the ground. Take Care – CAA
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 April 2013):
That's rich. He's got nothing to lose and he's asking you to bend to his wishes, while you have EVERYTHING to lose. Sounds mighty selfish to me. Do not give up your achievements just because he has this vague idea of moving somewhere else. He's got nothing tangible right now and he's asking you to give up all you've built? Should have thought of that before encouraging you to build/own your own place.
Honestly, I wouldn't do it. You'll be bitter with him and this will slowly poison the relationship beyond repair, if it's not finished already-- I for one wouldn't do what he asked, not with so much at stake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): No way jose! Men come and go and this one needs to go. He`s selfish to expect you to give up your home and good job. Sure he has a college education, but other than that he doesn`t have crap but a mommy and daddy to baby him. Do you really think a baby like him is really thinking about your best interest when he expects you to throw away your livlihood to shack up with him and he doesnt have shit? Hes grimey and self serving. A real man and a man who truley loves you would never ask you to throw away your livlihood to be with him when he doesnt have shit to lose if he relocates to live with you.plus he wouldnt subtlely bellittle you for not having a college education. That boy is so immature and selfish and ignorant. Get rid of that terd.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 April 2013):
 So YOU have a job, and OWN a home and live near family - he lives at home and goes to school and YOU should give everything up for him? He is the one without any other ties then family right now.
I think that is really unfair of him to make those demands. Because IF you move out there you will have NO job and no home. After all does he expect that YOU live with his parents too? And what if? you two don't work out? Then you are out of a well-paying job AND your home.
HE IS giving you an ultimatum, and that is YOU give up on everything for him and he gives up nothing for you.
Sorry, hun I don't see this lasting longtime.
And NO, I don't think it was a mistake to buy a house. It's called planning for the future. Now in a few years you might want to sell it and move into a bigger one, but why do it now?
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 April 2013):
 This isn't the man for you. Yes, you've been together 4 years, but you're not going good and strong. After 4 years you now see major obstacles and difficulties, and the future is stacked full with problems and more problems. If this was a good match, if you were good together, then the future would look bright. You'd look ahead with anticipation and happiness. Instead, all you see is devastating. He's started mocking your career and making his own out to be more important. This will get worse with time, as his career either works out great (and he'll make yours out to be like nothing, and have you do things his way because "he earns more") or his career will go poorly, and he'll still criticize you, and he'll try to bring you down with him because he'll be jealous that he wasted all those years studying when you still make more money than him...His "career" so far is NOT more important than yours. Your job is just as important, no matter who earns the most or who had the longest education. This is about having respect for each other and respect for other professions. He clearly lacks this respect, and it will come between you (if it hasn't already).Second, he makes a problem out of you having a house. Wanting you to up-root your life at his whim. Again, shows a lack of respect not only for you and your work, but also for your life and your right to have a say in this relationship. He can't demand anything, and it is very rude and selfish to think you should just up and leave if he gets a job somewhere else. You have a house. You can't just up and leave. You have a job, you can't just drop it. What would happen if you did? I will tell you; you would be financially and socially dependent on your boyfriend. This puts you in a very weak position, and will cause such a power shift in his direction that it'll ruin the relationship. In a relationship you need to be equals. He has a difficult time respecting your independence, and wants to rule over you. Hence he puts you down by criticizing your work, your home, and wants to up-root you from family and friends. He wants you to be dependent on him. Probably, if you got married, he'd want you to quit your job and play housewife.. Why should YOU have to move and find a new job? Why is it not just as well HE who needs to find a job in YOUR area? Why is there a double standard...? "It scares the hell out of me to give up everything here to move with him and then 6 months down the track it doesn't work. I know it could be the same even if you are married."No, it is not the same if you are married. If you are married you made a promise to stay with each other, and in order to make that very big promise, which you are tied to by law, you would have done some serious thinking and making sure your relationship was the right one for marriage. Also, if married and it didn't work out you would still be responsible for one another. If you move after him, and he dumps you, he's not responsible for you. He doesn't have to pay your bills, help you out until you get a new job etc. He could just leave you on bare ground without any help in the world.. Yep. Big difference between moving after a spouse, and moving after a boyfriend who so far shows no interest for marriage. You would be dumb to move after him IF he moves (this is all hypothetical after all). You would be right out dumb, and don't take offense. I don't think you're that dumb. I don't think you would move after him, and I'm here to tell you that you're right. Moving after him would be absolute stupidity, and you're not that stupid. You're a smart girl who's been able to buy her own house at such a young age, earn money, and get a good life for herself. What you don't need is some man who wants to take all of that away from you without any guarantees (such as marriage). You need to rethink this relationship. If he's ready to toss you away if you don't want to up-root your entire life, and stand with nothing but the shirt on your back, and follow him, with no guarantees, into a new place.. Well, he wants a blind and stupid follower, not a mentally functioning girlfriend. You're not what he wants, he seems to want some puppet with no brains who will bid his will and follow his command no matter how stupid. And you're not that girl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): OMG!!!!!!!! Baby please please please dont do it!!!!! I lost everything doing EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE CONSIDERING. THIS IS DEJA VU. Omg I am shaking so bad right right now and I know Im about to vomit. I HATE MYSELF FOR DESTROYING MY KIDS LIFE AND MY LIFE FOR DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE CONSIDERING. I am in therapy and on a lot of antidepressants because I lost everything. It lasted only 8 months and the bastard is married to his fkn coworker now. I AM DEVASTATED AND HE DOESNT GIVE A F$CK!!!!!!
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reader, Abella +, writes (21 April 2013):
 Never give up your home and the equity you have built up in your home. His attitude bothers me. I have seen similar situations where the girl has sold her home. Then they have bought a joint property. Things have not gone well. And the girl has ended up in a much less favorable position than before. Even renting out your home to strangers while you live a distance away can be heart breaking if the tenants do not look after your home as you would.
Stay where you are.
His values and attitudes are not yours.
How dare he say your very smart decision was a "mistake"???
What you did was an excellent decision and remains and excellent decision.
Find a guy who also has his own home.
You have a job. You have your home. You have been making some very smart decisions in your life.
He has been a Mommie's boy at home being waited on hand and foot. He does not sound like a "Good catch" to me. he sounds selfish and self centered. he may even be jealous that you have achieed so much more than him.
YES, he is issuing you with an ultimatum.
Call his bluff. See where he is in his life in another five and ten years.
Keep on doing what you are doing and you will find a far nicer man than him.
Genuine nice guys do not issue a partner with such ultimatums.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2013):
 Don't move. Don't even think about moving.
Do you want to leave your house ( btw, yes, it is a big accomplishment at such a young age ), the support net of your family and friends , and, most of all, a job that you enjoy and that is well paid, in the current economy, to run after a guy that you are, what.., dating ??
What's in it for you ? What do you get ? Sex ? Kisses ? Sweet nothings whispered in your ear ? ... Don't worry , these things are a dime a dozen,you'll surely get them from some other source even if you stay put.
I don't want to sound cynical and materialistic, because in fact I am not, I think that love is the main ( yet not the only ) contributing factor to one's happiness, and it's worth many many sacrifices.
We just have to agree upon the definition of love. What love is it ,that of a guy who does not want to move in, does not want to commit, does not want to take seriously marriage or children, does not want to do long distance, and thinks nothing of asking you a big sacrifice because his future and career are necessarily more important than yours ?
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reader, Xearo  +, writes (21 April 2013):
If you want to move to him and basically give up everything then you have to be 100% sure about it because most of the time there is no going back.
While I do understand why he thinks you buying the house is a big mistake, I have not seem much effort on his part on trying to make it work. After all he can move to you instead, since he doesnt have a house, and the both of you can have freedom and be independent of his parents.
I am not suggesting a break up but I believe the relationship has some way to go before either of you decide to move in together. I also think he has some ways to go on being realistic (mature) about this because his reasons are pure assumptions.
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reader, R1  +, writes (21 April 2013):
 I think if you are having major doubts (which are fair enough - building/owning your own place IS a big achievement) then don't rush into anything. Let him move, if he's worth it you will stay together and when it feels right you can move out to be with him.
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