A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm facing a dilemma here. After leaving an abusive relationship of five years (which also ruined me financially; also during this time the situation was so unstable I was moving from job to job, state to state and just handing over my paychecks) I have started staying with my parents and working a steady job and saving a lot of money so I can regain my independence, rent an apartment, buy a car. I have saved a nice amount so far, about $3,000, but I want to save until the end of the year to ensure I will have something to fall back on. I want to be very stable in contrast to the life I was leading before.Here's the dilemma: My parent's have never been good with money either, and now they want to borrow the $3,000 and pay me back in a few months. (It is so they will have the money to break their apartment lease so they can move into new condo. If not they will have to stay in the current apartment til June) Financially they are middle class (60-65,000 a year) but have credit card debt and my sister is in private school so that costs.I hesitated and my mom started crying, saying what kind of family am I, she would give me a liver, or a kidney, and they spent all these years raising me. What kind of daughter am I? She also called me a free loader. But I pay for my own food, clothes, bus money. On the one hand, I am able to save money because I am staying with them. My current boyfriend is from India and he says no question, give them the money. They are the reason I am living and breathing. I haven't even told him about this conflict yet because I think he would think I'm being selfish. He would not like this at all.On the other hand, I was unstable for so long and this is the first time I have ever saved ANY money. They say they will pay me back but things happen.What should I do? I feel like a terrible daughter but I'm trying to achieve financial stability.
View related questions:
debt, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Glad to hear that everything is fine now .God has answered your prayers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi all, thanks for your advice. everything worked out ok, i lent the money but they are returning it as they found they are truly not able to break the lease. thanks again everyone
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): If you are staying with your parents I would say that firstly, you should be working full time and contributing because you being there will incur some extra costs (ie gas and electricity) even if you are buying your own food, toiletries and paying for phone calls etc .. The fact that they have never been good with money as you put it may be having an impact on them now but we all live and learn! You are lucky to be able to stay with them because it is very expensive to live away from home, paying rent, ulitities, phone, insurances, food etc etc etc ... I would suggest that you make a contribution to them sort of 'in lieu of rent' as it is good of them to give you a roof over their head. You should also ensure you do not cost them any extra money by continuing to pay for all your own things and fares etc .. This way, you are meeting your obligations and not costing them any extra money and you will be doing the right adult thing. Also, it will give them less leverage to demand lump sums from you as you have a fair arrangement in place so the waters won't get 'muddied' (ie we let you live here rent free so you should help us by lending us money).
Did they do something wrong to you when you were younger?? If that is the case then maybe they could show you some kindness now and make it up to you by letting you stay with them free of charge so long as you meet all your own expenses.
It is very kind of them to let you live with them rent free as it takes a lot to practically and financially run a home. The fact that they are comfortable earners is immaterial really because you don't know the full extent of their commitments financially and also they need to think about their own future, retirement fund etc etc.
They are your parents and have loved you and looked after you and if you can help, you probably should (in my view) as long as it is fair and reasonable. They are doing you a HUGE service my giving you a rent free/low rent place to stay and you are all family tc .. so maybe you can compromise. You will be able to save a lot of money by staying with them so maybe you can afford to lend them some?? Or, you agree to lend it to them on the basis that you don't pay any rent for a while in return, or they pay you back regularly. just so long as the agreement is clear and fair, then only you can really know what is the right thing to do. Personally I would help them out if they needed it. However, as one of the others said, breaking a lease is not really an emergency....why do they need/want to do this so urgently? Is the other condo too good a chance to miss?? Is there some pressing reason why they must do this?? If they are paying private school fees and have big spending on credit cards then maybe they need to learn to prioritise here. It could be that their own difficulties with money led to you being bad with money?? Well done for being so determined to be sensible and repair your own finances. Is the new condo cheaper??
I agree with your boyfriend to some extent. Family values are important and also, you wouldn't be ABLE to save this money if you weren't staying with them at cheap rent or rent free. I think one of the poster mentioned you lend them some of the money - that might be an idea. You do need something to fall back on so discuss it as a family. If they really really need to move condo, you could lend them the money. If you don't want to lend them the money maybe you should get your own condo now though because they will just resent subsidising you whilst you refuse to help them. Personally I would keep some money back for myself and lend them what I can and call it in lieu of rent. If however it is not necessary to move then persuade them to stay put until their lease expires within contract. I hope you sort it out so that all of you are happy. Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (27 February 2010):
It is just like the groundnut who forgets his husk which protected the nut when he was young.I would like to rephrase that.There is a Malay idiom which says," The groundnut forgets it's skin."When they were small, the skin(parents) protected them from harm but when they were big ,they forget their skin and could not care less.If you are not staying with them or are independent from them, you have a right not to lend them any money if you think it is for some worthless or stupid cause or you think they will never repay you back.I don't know the reason why he wants to break off the present tenancy lease. I think if he does not do that,the condo offer will pass him by and there will not be another such offer. He wants to upgrade his standards of living.If you are staying with them , your case is weak. When you were down and out , you went back to them and now they are asking you for a loan and you are thinking of rejecting them. This does not sound right .Lending money to parents or siblings are as good as gone .There is no time limit and no urgency to repay.You are now at your parents place and you do have some security of sorts as you will both look after each others interest and have each others support . If one day you are sick or met with an accident and end up in the hospital, who will take care of you ? Being alone in this world without any close relative is a very sad thing.If you don't agree with the way the money is used, you do not have to lend them but you need to think of the consequences of your actions.You may have to find an alternative place to stay or your life will never be the same again. The close rapport with your family will vanish into thin air and they will never forgive you.Do you love money or your family and which is more important to you ?You have to decide on that.Good luck and ponder carefully .Hope you will come up with an amicable solution to your problem.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): I can definitely see both sides of the coin, but I would say absolutely not. You have been through hell and here you are trying to gain financial indepndence. I think it is rude and selfish of your parents to have the audacity to ask for everything you have saved up until this point. I mean a couple hundred dollars I understand but all your savings?? And for what?? Is it a life and death situatuion?? Does somebody in your family need a kidney transplant?? NO! Simply because they don't want to wait till june to move out of their leased apt?? Puh-lease. That's ridiculous of them to ask for. And if they keep giving you a hard time move out and get a cheap studio or a cheap apt with a roommate. The day that you are rolling in money, you will gladly spare 3000+ for anything your parents need. But as long as your still struggling to get ahead and they want to "borrow" the only money that you have, no way. Tell them its a bad time. That's all. Right now you have to think of you. This isn't a life and death situation. Just say no.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 February 2010):
 Hard question, however your boyfriends opinion is very important in this case. If you don't lend them the money, he will think less of you, he will think you selfish.
Compromise.. lend them half the money, $1500 and they can ask someone to find the rest. What would they have done if you didn't have it. Lend them half, and then set up a bank account that will automatically make sure that they pay you back.
Sorry babes, but they need help, parents love you and spent money on you.. all that stuff.. help them when you can, they won't be here forever..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): If the money was for something like an emergency or their car broke down, then I would say yes, give it to them. To break a lease on a condo/apt...absolutely not, that is a stupid thing to do, what a waste of money!I seriously don't see them paying it back either :( Go out and buy yourself a car and tell them you couldn't pass it up because it was too good of a deal...in other words, get rid of the money so there will be no more pleading and begging for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): I advice you not to rent your mother money. Money is business, not family life. And if a bank wont lend them money, clearly this is not a good deal. I advice you to NOT lend them money, really. I say from my own experience. I lent my mother a huge amount of money 5 years ago. I lent her about 11 000 dollars though. Then last year she asked to borrow more, another 2000 dollars. She said she would pay me back by the end of that month. That was last year. Now I dont know if I will ever see my 13 000 dollars again, and I regret it deeply that I lent her that kind of money. She is my mother and I trusted her with all of this and she was not able to pay me back. I lent her that money for the same reason you are thinking you should lend your mother money: they are family, you want to be a good daughter and all that.
Well you know what, this isnt about family, being a good daughter, or anything. Money is business. DO NOT MIX FAMILY WITH BUSINESS. Only lent her as much money that you are comfortable with NEVER getting back, because chances are slim you will see that money again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): I think you should give the money to your parents as a gift. Its the right thing to do. You can save more money in the future and it will make you feel better about yourself for helping your parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (26 February 2010):
You are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
If you don't lend, you will have to move out from your parents and they may disown you or not want to have anything to do with you anymore.
You will also be labeled as ungrateful and selfish after all they have raised you up and spend much more than 3K on you.
You do not have much choice like your b/f said.
You should have quietly stashed your money
without letting anyone knows about it, not even your b/f or future husband.
My brother thinks that parents have a responsibility to raise their children but children do not have a responsibility to financially support their parents.
The parent's problems are not his problem.According to him , they brought him into this world and so they are responsible to bring him up.It is their duty.
When their parents have problems,they don't care at all to help out but when they have problems, they will go back home for help.
It is just like the groundnut who forgets his husk which protected the nut when he was young.
Too much education has warped his mind .Maybe , he learned those ideas from those Western cultures.
In the end, my mom disowned him because he asked back the money which he gave her every month when he was working from my mom with interest!!!!
In the East, the children are more filial and will try to help their parents in what ever way they can.
Money is not that very important in life. If you lose it , you can find more .
What is important is your relationship with your parents.
You can find and make more money but once you have bad blood with your parents,it is very sad.
Maybe, you could seek a compromise and leave something for yourself. Maybe you can also suggest to them to stay until June and be able to save 3K or don't move at all.
Did your parents always ask you for money?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): Hi
Well they helped you out and now you are an adult
As long as you realise you wont see this money back and effectively its a gift,however give them it as a loan so if they ever come into money you have a plan to get it back,get a lawyer to draw up the papers,lend them no more money and put your plans back a few months.
How did they find out you money in the first palce ,did you gob off,then there is a leason in its self,tell no one anything!
...............................
A
female
reader, wiccanrain +, writes (26 February 2010):
 CaringGuy is right. you're mother should NOT be blackmailing you. and you are pretty much supporting yourself by buying your own food, buss ticket and so on. if they are having money problems they need to assess the situation, and not waste $3000 by moving early. that's just plain irresponible. tell your mother that you love her, but you don't believe the choice she's trying to make is a good one and it's going to get them in even more trouble...
by the by, i really admire you for getting back on your feet like this!! ^.^...a lot of people would just keep their former habits and get in deep
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 February 2010):
NO WAY. I have a father just like this. He charges rent, then moans that it's not enough, casually forgetting that he wants to retire early and has already taken lower hours. It's very easy for those around you to say give them the money. But you know that your parents are no good with money. They pay for a private school? Then they should address that before asking you for money. You only ever ask for money when you're really up to your neck and have nowhere left to turn. She spent all those years raising you, because SHE chose to have you. That was her job. And to then throw all that emotional blackmail for me seals it. They have credit cards, they send your sister to private school, they had children. It's their problem that they are in this situation. They can get rid of the cards, stop the private school and stop the move they are planning. Never lend anyone money if they try to emotionally blackmail you, or if they are bad with money. You won't see a penny back, and they will continue to mug you. I know about people like this. Don't fall for it.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 February 2010):
NO WAY. I have a father just like this. He charges rent, then moans that it's not enough, casually forgetting that he wants to retire early and has already taken lower hours. It's very easy for those around you to say give them the money. But you know that your parents are no good with money. They pay for a private school? Then they should address that before asking you for money. You only ever ask for money when you're really up to your neck and have nowhere left to turn. She spent all those years raising you, because SHE
...............................
|
