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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi everyone. Me and my girlfriend split up about 7 months ago. We have both found it really hard and she is the one that walked away from me without fighting. When we were together, we bought a flat together. It was solely in my name as i was the only one earning money, she gave me £200 a month now and again and did pay for some food, but the total for all the bills came to around £1000. When we split nothing was said about the house. We met in may and she said all she wanted was a contribution for a fridge and freezer her dad bought us, which i agreed with and gave her £500 which was more than what the fridge and freezer cost. Now she has recently been in touch and has said can we come to some agreement about the things we bought together and wants £1500. I cant afford this and dont think i should give it her because she lived in the flat virtually not paying a lot and me paying for most things. She did pay half towards the car £2000, and that is why i didnt take much rent off her and i assummed it was paid off after a while. But for about 6 months she didnt pay for anything due to her not having a job and not having hger student loan. Shuld i give her what she wants
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 I think you should go with adifferentperspective's advice:
Tell her you were paying most of the stuff so if she really wants to go into detail about what you owe her, then you will make a list of all the bills, rent, car, everything and split it in half. Then take away what you contributed and then what she did. She knows she will fall short.
YUP Make budget of every cost you two have had WHILE you were together - split it in two, show her what YOU paid and what she paid.. I'm betting she is still owing you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Yes, this is a live and learn situation for women everywhere. No marriage - no accounting for your unpaid labor. This particular couple bought a flat "together" - his words. I imagine she spent a fair amount of time fixing it up, which could have increased its value - and equity for her boyfriend, but not her. Cooking, ironing, cleaning, etc. again - nothing to show for it. Did her parents help them out with cash donations, as well as the fridge and freezer? You say for six months she didn't pay for anything. How long did you live together when she was paying for something? Who has the car? Did she use some of her student loan money to pay for any of this?Lesson to women everywhere: Marriage is more than a piece of paper, and don't keep letting men sucker you into a bad deal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Caring guy and Dirtball, thanks for your honest input. However, the reason she came back at seven months is because during the initial stages of a break up emotions could be running high and she probably didn't think things through. So at the time, she could just have been thinking emotionally whilst now after all this time her frame of mind is more logical. That said, I see that the OP has been more than fair about the fridge and the rent. However, we do not know all the details of the relationship only what he has told us. I merely read between the lines and suggested that perhaps she asks for this money as she feels entitled to it due to huge effort she put in during the relationship. I myself am a housewife (with no kids) and it can be a tiring job. Sometimes things get taken for granted which is to be expected in most relationships. However, it doesn't make what I do any less valuable (something both of you acknowledge) and this might have been the case for the OPs ex. She could (for all we know) have contributed nothing of value but if she did then the £1500 she is asking for is not that much. The value of a home cooked meal after a long days work is priceless.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 August 2010):
I am also sorry, female anon. I do understand that housewives and such work hard (my mother is one, and she works VERY hard), and if there has been time invested and money, then fair enough. But this is 7 months later, and smells like a woman trying to grab money. If she'd wanted it, then she should have asked at the time and perhaps something could have been agreed then. But this guy is not a meal ticket, nor a charity. He isn't obliged to give her anything now.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 August 2010):
 I'm sorry female anon below, but no. Even if she needs the money this isn't his problem anymore. They broke up 7 months ago. He may have felt obligated to help her when they were together, but that obligation ended with the relationship.
I agree that work around the house should be valued, but it is unclear if she actually did any of that or not. Just because she didn't receive pay for it, doesn't make it any less valuable.
Still, I stand by my earlier statement. You are under no obligation to give her anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): How about her services to you such as cooking, cleaning and looking after you? If you were the sole breadwinner then chances are she stayed at home and looked after the home so with that concidered, you should pay her something. I know that you have been more than fair but the fact is that she might have done a lot of unpaid work for the house and helped make it a home.
Also, chances are that she is probably is broke to some extent (y as she has no job and you mentioned student loans) so she might NEED the money to start her new life with. Just think about all the time she would have invested in you and your house and give her something?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 August 2010):
No. As she lived rent free at one point, all bets are off. You weren't married, and the place is in your name.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): maybe split what you brought together - give her the fridge and you keep the freezer etc. She may just want the money but if you show you are willing to compromise then spilting what you brought between you too shouldn't give her any room to argue or feel like she should be owed something. That is what i would do.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 August 2010):
I'd lean toward no. It is one thing if she had helped out along the way, but being that you've paid the majority of everything, you shouldn't have to pay her after your relationship is over. After all, you've tried to be fair, but you weren't married, so your property isn't exactly joint.
My take on this is that if you give in, she'll keep coming up with excuses for handouts. You should tell her that you can't afford what she wants, and don't think it's fair. If she wants you to come up with that, then you should go back and figure out how much she owes you for back rent and tell her you want that money. That's just my take though.
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