A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I've been having conflicting feelings of love and bitterness towards my boyfriend of a year and a half. I love him, he's kind and caring and makes me laugh, and a lot of the time everything seems fine, like it always has been: we'll go places and have a good time and I enjoy being with him. But other times, I'll just start to feel really bitter and angry towards him, and anything he does, even if it's something that would normally make me laugh, just makes me mad with him. I think it might be to do with some of my own insecurities, but I'm not sure what to do about it.I've always had an issue with porn: he used it when we were first together, and when I asked him not to, he agreed. Then he changed his computer settings so it deleted all history, which made me suspicious. He swore he'd stopped though and I tried not to think about it too much. Then about 6 months ago, I clicked 'new tab' on his computer, and the new tab displayed his most visited sites, which were porn. I was mad with him, and he told me it was hard to stop, but that he was trying. We talked, and agreed that he'd try and wean himself off, and I'd be supportive rather than freak out, and also that he wouldn't hide it from me. So he changed his settings again so that it wouldn't delete history, and we went from there.Over the next few weeks, I couldn't help checking to see if there was porn, and it actually really bugged me that there wasn't a trace. Because after making out that it was so hard to quit, surely there'd still be occasions when he went on? Then I found out that he'd just been deleting individual items from his history, and I felt deceived. Then I read an answer on this site that made me feel less insecure about the idea of him using porn, and for quite a few months I just left him to it. He told me he was stopping, and though I didn't really believe it, it didn't bother me quite as much.For valentine's day I let him take some kinky pictures of me in my underwear, and recently he has asked if we can take some more. This brought up the porn issue again, and he said that he'd been keeping away because of the pictures he has of me, and that he hasn't been on for a long time. I still didn't really believe him, and I asked him if just underwear shots were enough, and didn't he need to see total nudity? He said no, it was enough for him and there was no need for him to browse the internet if he already had pictures of me that satisfied him. I was pleased, and a few days later I sent him another picture of me, which he said he liked.I hadn't looked at his history for ages, but the other week I did, I'm not sure why, I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that I really was enough for him and this time he really had stopped when he'd said he had. And I didn't find any traces of websites, but I did find a lot of video files, all downloaded and accessed at the same time he'd been looking at my picture, and then promptly deleted. I can think of no other explanation, other than that they were porn.I think this is why I've been feeling bitter recently. I really want to be able to stop feeling this way. I've lost my libido, and although I do love him and know he loves me, I can't bring myself to have sex wih him, because I don't feel good enough. I also feel angry, and feel as if he doesn't need me anyway, because if I'm not there to give him sex he can just turn to porn and be quite satisfied. Also I feel like he doesn't deserve me. I don't want to have sex with him because I feel like I'll never be enough for him, and that it wouldn't really be ME turning him on, it would just be a woman's body. I feel like if I stuck a paper bag over my head I could be just anyone, just another woman to f***. And I also feel deceived.So I guess that explains the angry and bitter feelings. But I don't want this to ruin my relationship, and I don't know whether to try and talk to him about any of this.Has anyone been in a similar situation, either to me or to him, or just have any advice about what I can do to stop feeling like this?If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to have read this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I also had the same experience as anon, being naive and not realizing that men in happy relationships still use porn. And it's not just sometimes, maybe for anon but for me a little while after my bf first admitted to it I worked up the courage to do the EVIL thing of checking his computer history and it was nearly every day, often 2 or 3 days in a row. I let it go for a long time, we discussed it, over time had a few big fights about it, without any mention of breaking up if I remember correctly, and then at the start of this year (a year and a half into the relationship) everything fell to pieces, especially after one night I had a strong intuition but continued reading for 10 minutes then walked into his room and he had just fixed himself up, I said did you just... and he said yes with a grin. That made me question how often he had risked it when I was home, because I was under a strong impression he would never do that. It wounded me deeply and destroyed a lot of my trust. At first I thought what is really the diff between him using when I'm here when I know he uses it anyway when I'm not, but the general consensus among my friends is that they would never tolerate their bf using it when they were home, and that's how I feel too.
I feel so deceived by my bf too, instead of always brimming with happiness in my relationship I oscillate between reminiscing about the start, before I knew about the porn, and feeling angry and bitter towards him. I'm not sure my bf deserves me either.
There are several good posts I have read on this site and some responses from men who use porn who have put it into perspective in a positive sense. Read these and you will realize there are a few things you are absolutely wrong about. Yes, men generally are turned on by the female form and this is a good thing, I struggled with thinking that it is about specific women in porn, sure they're going to have preferences but I'd rather think of it in a female form = attractive kind of way. Do you know what I mean? It does not reflect negatively on you, no woman in porn or elsewhere could replace the girl he is choosing to be in a relationship with. I can't stress this enough. Correct me if I'm wrong guys, but sometimes men attach the person they want to think about (presumably YOU) to the girl on the screen. That's what I've been told and it makes sense, NOT that they are doing that every time, surely sometimes their brains are switched off and they're just watching, not thinking.
You're right to feel angry, but you have to try and see it from many different perspectives, because what you're thinking he's thinking could be very wrong, and that is unfair on him because you are slamming him for something that really may be more innocent than it seems. Don't worry, I still don't like or respect it in a relationship, especially one you haven't been in for years and years, but I have come to see some positives about it because there definitely are some potential positives in porn. It was probably once very educational for him, not that he would continue to need that education and I don't think that's an excuse men can use for long! Anyway, we can pm if you like, there's probably so much I haven't covered here that may help. I'm in a similar boat with my feelings towards my bf at the moment too :(
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Oh dear, baby, baby...
Do you ever masterbate... is having sex on your own ever the same as having sex with your man?
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (5 August 2010):
 If it's affecting you this incredibly much I don't think there's anything you can do but leave. It doesn't sound like this is something you can live with, and you don't have to. There aren't a lot of men out there who won't/don't look, but there are some. You just have to find one who feels the same way about it. There are men who don't think it has a place in a relationship. It's really up to you. Why don't you two try reading some books on the subject? Maybe if he tried to better understand where you're coming from since you can't change your feelings, it would be better. The one all the psychologists seem to recommend is this one:
The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography by Wendy and Larry Maltz.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): missSamanthamary, you said you were at the point in your relationship where it was everything you've ever dreamed of, yet you hate that your boyfriend consumes pornography and is now purchasing live video chats (this is cheating, he's selecting the women he wants to see live on camera!), and it makes you unhappy with yourself that he's choosing porn over you. Unless this is all you've ever dreamed of, I'm not sure that you're being honest with yourself. I know you aren't directly asking for advice, but I thought I might mention that to you.
Had I stayed in a relationship with my porn-loving boyfriend (and we were on the track for a very long-term commitment), I would be terribly unhappy, jealous and insecure, which is definitely not something I've dreamed of. If he can lie to you about his porn consumption - something you told him makes you uncomfortable - he can lie to you about anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): I was in a similar situation to you. I was quite naive and didnt realise that there are alot of guys in happy relationships that still sometimes look at porn and get off themselves. When i first found naked photos of chicks and videos on my boyfriends (now fiances) phone (we dont have a comp) and i asked him about them, his excuse was that they were off an old sim card. I left it at that for a while, but looked at those folders every now and then. They sometimes had new stuff in them. I asked time and time again if he looked stuff up on the net and the answer was always no. Eventually he told me he'd look stuff up and sometimes get off to it. I couldn't understand why he'd need or want to. We had and still have sex nearly every day, more when have days off together, so i didnt get why he'd need more then that. He talked to me about it and said he doesnt really know why, that he doesnt do it cause he's horny, its just a very quick orgasm. He also said he's been doing it for years and years and wasn't going to stop. For a long time he'd lie about it, id be hurt about it. I thought he preferred that over me and since he said he wouldn't give it up i felt as tho he'd rather break up with me then stop watchin porn. After months of issues with him lying we reached a point where we were nearly going to break up over it. But he turned around and said i meant too much to him to let me go. So we had a proper talk. I explained that while i was ok with him sometimes using porn, i didnt want to be lied to ever, and i didnt want it to affect our sex life. We made a compromise (eg he'd never do it close to when id be home, only a certain amount of times a wk, always more stuff with me. In return i dont ask or talk about it as much, as his main prob is me talking about it) Since making this agreement, things have been much better. I've tested him, he hasn't lied to me yet. He deletes history but we live together and i can tell most times if he's done something. Im still not entirely ok with the idea of it, but i know he wants me more then that, and i wasn't going to try and control or change him. Our agreement is what he did anyway, except now he doesnt lie. He's actually used it less, possibly since i dont bring it up and we're not fighting, he wants me sexually even more then when we had issues. I decided that his porn use wasn't a deal breaker for me. You need to decide if your bf using porn sometimes is a deal breaker for you. Only you can decide if you can accept some use if the lies stopped etc. My main issue was him lying, not the porn. I hate lying of any kind. Reading guys answers on this site helped me understand that alot of guys use porn as a quick orgasm tool so they can be better lovers with their partner. Last longer etc. And that doing it themselves is easier and much quicker then being with their partner and making sure she enjoys herself before he does. I know my guy loves getting me off and that we can have sex 3 times a day, even if he had a quick one himself too. And he has always said it feels way better with me. I guess if you feel as tho your relationship is good and you could handle some porn use, try and explain that it is his lying etc that you will not accept. Tell him you'll accept x amount of porn, but no hiding or lying. Oh, my fiance has naked pics of me and videos of us on his phone that he sometimes looks at too, but he still looks online. I still dont really get why, but its part of him. And i wasn't willing to lose him over porn or leave him because of it. Sorry for the long winded story, just wanted to show that there are ways around it if you still want to be with him. I hope this helped
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A
female
reader, missSamanthamary  +, writes (4 August 2010):
im in litterly the exact same situation , my boyfriend deletes his history every time he gets off the computer , and he only does it casue i caught him before by his history , and like your situation he promised me he wasnt gonna do it again and now hes being all secritive , i dont have an answer on what to tell u in all honesty im looking for one myself , but your not alone , its not just u so try not to be insecure , i was when i first found out , and then my boyfriend moved away for a while and he told me he would wait for me and not masterbate or anything , i didnt belive him but i didnt tell him that , i sent him pictures to like u did , and he sent me some , and then the day before i moved down here to live with him , i found out he was paying for live web cam chats and shit , and he didnt have an explation for it. the hardest part of finding that out was that he had pictures of me and it made me feel terrible about myself . now hes being all suspicious with him deleting his history and he changed all his passwords and stuff , so now i jsut assume something is going on. u have to decide weather or not u can keep trying when he makes u feel that bad about urself. i feel like leaving my boyfriend sometime cause of all this but ive been with him so long and were at the point wheere its everything we've both dreamed of that i cant pull myself to walk away.good luck , i hoped this heled a little bit just remeber ur not alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): I think men use porn because they're visually stimulated sexually, while women require physical and emotional stimulation to be turned on. This is probably why he turns to porn when he's feeling in the mood.
However, that does not excuse his secretive behavior and going through great lengths to hide the fact that he still regularly looks at porn after promising you that he wouldn't. He's continually lying about his habit to you, which is a huge red flag, in my opinion.
You've certainly given him plenty of opportunities and second chances and third chances and fourth chances, and plying him with racy photos of yourself wasn't even enough for him - he lied to you about that, too. If he can lie to you about his consumption of pornography, what else can he lie to you about? This is particularly disturbing because he knows very well how his viewing pornography makes you feel.
I once dated a guy who enjoyed porn. I told him I didn't understand why he needed it if he had me; I could just as easily have sex with him rather than him masturbating to photos or videos of women he doesn't know. Our relationship ended because he couldn't understand why I was so upset, or he just didn't care that I didn't feel comfortable with him looking at porn. Like you, it made me insecure.
Although I'd love to say that there are guys out there who don't look at porn ever, I'm not sure that that's a safe assumption. However, there are guys out there who don't use porn regularly for sexual satisfaction, particularly if they're in a relationship.
Since your boyfriend can't seem to keep his promises to you, it's up to you to decide if he's worth keeping around because you love him, or if all those things he does that annoy you add up to a break-up. Best of luck to you!
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