A
male
age
30-35,
*an.1
writes:hi there im 18 and in foster care i have had many problems in my life but this is my main 1. when i was younger my mum sexuaily assulted me and nuglected me and beat and just treat me like shit. older and like i said in foster care but my mum is now tring 2 talk 2 me and b all nice. i am workin as well but i dont know if she wants me 2 forgive her or if she just wants money. HELP thanxs
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female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (8 April 2008):
 ok laura1318, thank you for your thoughts and beliefs on how the social services have been pretty bad at their job especially with that little girl that got killed by her aunt and her boyfriend. But social services have helped dan so much (im his girlfriend by the way) and im helping him as much as i can, he really doesn't know if he should or not there i so much more that has happened he hasn't really given you the full story. Yes his mother was an alcholic and she used to bring home all different men she has had five children dan being the eldest and they are all in care.
The reason why he is wary about forgiven his mother is because his mother abused him, she than accused him of raping her, social services than acted finally and took all children away, dan was made to steal to be able to feed his younger brothers and sisters, babysit them, take beatings from her boyfriends, they only people he ever trusted was his nan and grandad they have advise him that for his own safety not to go near her because he will go back down to where he was before. he has worked so hard he is trying to full time job but because of his ADH problem it can be hard for empolyers to employ him as he could be a problem but he working at a bread factory at the moment and he is enjoying it.
and laura1318 its not just UK that is bad America has the worst cases of child abuse it comes out more there. Child abuse has always happened but we care more now and don't hit children, or that they should be seen not heard they are now seen heard and helped.
Enguirer, yes i can believe that its hard to believe that a mother could hurt their own children but there is a lot of cases of it but they try not to publish it as it aganist society norms, the father has always been protrayed as the evil one. No matter what happens abuse happens and social services should be there but unless people help and call if they see it happen. Dan was lucky a neighbour thought it was wrong that his mum was going out all the time and leaving him all the time and they heard shouting and children crying.
I hope dan can try to forgive but its so heard everything she has done to him and the way she told him one day at christmas that she didn't love him and he was a mistake what kind of mother can say that its hard to believe it. I spoke to her once on the phone she was drunk and blamed dan for him once hitting her because she was beating him he had enough and wanted her off him so he hit her to get her off him, it was in public and everyone saw it.
I have helped him, he now enjoys christmas and his birthdays. and my family adore him and have helped too. He feels safe when he is with us, as he is in a secure family unit. i havent had a shit childhood thats my base, but i can say i have had experience with not feeling wanted by my own father, he left, my step dad left, and they both promised its so hard to believe men but dan has helped me to believe again, my mum has been with her boyfriend for five-six yrs and its so good to see her happy, finally after her shit childhood, people can forgive but it takes a long time too. thank you for all your advice love dan and nicole
A
male
reader, thunderbeeast  +, writes (6 April 2008):
Only you can decide if you want to forgive her. However even if you do decide to forgive her you should be very cautious and realistic on what kind if any relationship you had with this person. I don't know the details but anyone who sexually abused you and neglected you has some very deep issues and illness and there is no excuse for that behavior. To forgive her is more about your own piece of mind but you should be very weary of where you decide to take this relationship and of course seeking some type counseling for the abuse is highly recommended if you have not already.
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A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (6 April 2008):
 I live in the UK I have 2 daughters both grown up, I have hit them if the misbehave, or gave me backchat I was not charged!! I was also brought up in the 80's I was not put on a leash nor do I know anyone that was!
In this case the social services did not make a mistake, dan1 said he was abused, neglected and got treated like shit!my god if that not enough I wonder what is!He's only 18yrs old.
If I knew that was happeneing to any child I would call social service myself.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 April 2008):
 That would probably land you in jail for child abuse and you would be sacked from your job! LOL!
Those social services will never let you see your child again. Your child would be sent to a foster family.
Cry your heart out! They probably throw in some more serious charges , like sexual abuse ,extreme torture or drug abuse at you .
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 April 2008):
Ask Oldersister,
You and I are lucky we do not live in the UK. If you smack
your child's behind because you child tells you to F&*K off
, you cow!, you can land in jail and charged for child
assault and in some , you maybe banned from anywhere near your child for 6 months.
That is the law there. Crazy or not?
Parents are not allowed to spank or smack the child and I
don't know how they discipline their wayward child?
It is no wonder , there are so many child gangs and knifing incidents over there .
Your case in Texas is not the same . That women is suicidal and depressed.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 April 2008):
This is another terrible tragedy and can only happen in the UK.
Locked up for smacking my son ... How a slap brought police and social services in to tear a family apart
From
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=557440&in_page_id=1879&ICO=FEMAIL&ICL=TOPART
(copy and paste this link into a new window)
Or copy and paste this," Locked up for smacking my son."
in their search window.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 April 2008):
From the Daily mail
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=547009&in_page_id=1770
'I came back from a fag and my baby was gone' ... ,mother of child 'snatched' by social workers speaks for first time
By GWYNETH REES - More by this author » Last updated at 18:21pm on 27th March 2008
Comments Comments (45)
The young mother whose newborn baby was snatched from her by social workers has spoken of her ordeal for the first time and insisted she is a good mother.
Social services removed the child on January 30 this year but were forced to return him when a High Court Judge later ruled that he had been taken unlawfully because no court order had been sought for his removal.
The baby - known only as K - was returned to his mother - known as G - but within days was again removed and placed in foster care after a judge at Nottingham County Court granted the city council an interim care order.
The council claimed that the mother's troubled childhood and mental health problems threatened the baby's welfare.
She had been taken into care herself after running away from home and had in the past taken drugs.
Yesterday, 18-year-old G described her moment when she realised her baby had been taken from her without her knowledge.
Speaking to BBC East Midlands, she said: "I went outside at 4.30am for a fag and stood outside for about half-an-hour. I went back in and K was gone.
"I wondered where he'd gone and who took him. I was shocked."
She also refuted claims that she suffers from mental health problems.
She said: "I have had two psychiatric reports done for court proceedings that I was under...and they said I had emotional needs, I don't know where that's come in as mental health issues.
"It's unfair, I'm a good mother and it's also unfair for a father to lose contact with his child."
Social workers removed the child just two hours after its birth.
However, last month, at a hearing before Mr Justice Munby sitting at the family court in Liverpool, lawyers for the council admitted it had acted "unlawfully" for not seeking a court order to remove the child.
Although they argued that G had not objected to the baby being taken away from her in hospital they also admitted that she had never seen a proper birth plan and was unaware of any proposal for an interim care order.
It was later revealed that G could be in line to receive £20,000 damages under the Human Rights Act for the blunder.
Up until last month, the little boy was in care, while G was allowed to visit him for three hours a day, five days a week.
Earlier this month, however, a court ruled that G should have no contact with her child.
This is the kind of social services in your country.
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A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (6 April 2008):
Laura
Don't you think there is a BIG difference between neglect and sexual abuse? This guy has said he has many problems his main one is his mother,I don't like your attiude towards the UK accoding to you its a crazy country where abortion is free and easy, you don't live here what the fuck do you know!There is a BIG problem in the uk social services are doing a hard job, but I am sure they come to the aid of lots of kids that need it. Dan I am sure you know the care system alot better than Laura and he comments are not helping you.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 April 2008):
In the year ending March 31 2005, 60,900 children were taken in care - most placed with foster parents or in children's homes.
The majority of youngsters find themselves being looked after by the state because of abuse or neglect (62 per cent), family dysfunction (10 per cent), or absent parents (8 per cent), with 3 per cent taken in for socially unacceptable behaviour.
The UK's most vulnerable children are being "betrayed" by a care system that is guilty of a catalogue of failings, according to a damning report.
From
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=406319&in_page_id=1770
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 April 2008):
In the UK, the social worker can give erroneous reports and forcibly take away the children away from their parents care.
There have been cases where it was found that it was wrong to take away the child from their natural parents over some minor infringements.
Sometimes , when you discipline your child, you can have the state coming hard on you.
UK is a crazy country. There are many instances of crazy incidents that can only happen in that country..
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A
male
reader, Enquirer +, writes (5 April 2008):
I have never heard of a mother sexually assaulting her son. Most women love their children so much they would never deliberately do anything to harm them.
Exactly what did your mother do to you? Did she force you to have sex with her, or did she perform some kind of sexual act on you?
I think you need to tell your mom that after the way she treated you, you don't trust her or believe she wants you to forgive her. Tell her she will have to earn your trust, and it will take her a long time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Dear Poster
I notice you are from UK so I will try to help, but honestly i think you need proffesinal help.You said you tryed councelling, but they cannot advise one way or another same as anyone on this site.The only thing I will say is you are now old enough and hopefully wise enough with help from social or support workers to decide if you want contact with your mother.I think some of the aunt are just trying to protect you from further hurt and pain cause none of us want that for you.As suggested maybe your mother had drink/drug problem or some other mental illness that caused her to do the things she did,if she has received help for this maybe? if she says that social services were to blame and the took you away then maybe I would be very wary as she is not accepting responsablilty for her actions and still has these problems. Hopefully you have someone and adult that you can speak with and maybe accompany you on any visits you wish to have as, if you really want to see her no one should stop you and maybe you and try and come to terms with what happened. I will not say forgive as i don't think you will and you will prob never forget, but we would all like to think that good can come from bad and remember son none of this is your fault, you are not to blame in any way, keep us posted and hope it goes the way you want you deserve it.
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A
female
reader, JLib +, writes (4 April 2008):
Hi Dan, I know it's hard to trust or forgive your mom but it is possible. I had been in an abusive family situation for many years and only recently came to terms with it after a long struggle over this. God has answered my prayers and set me free from bitterness and hate. Love yourself enough to say you're not going to allow this grudge to ruin the rest of this life. I promise, you'll feel like a completely different person once you're able to forgive your mom and let the past lie. You may find you'll be on the path to a new and better relationship with her. God bless you.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 April 2008):
Forgiveness….
Romans 12:17
Never pay back evil with evil..Do things in such a way that everyone can see u are honest clear enough.
Don't quarrel with anyone. Be at peace with everyone just as much as possible.
God , forgive us as we forgive those who have hurt us ..
As Christians we should not have the problem of forgiving those who hurt us .
If we want to have peace in our life, we must learn to forgive and move on with our life.
We must not withhold forgiveness or our sins will not be forgiven by God.
Let go of those hurts and if u cannot , then asked Jesus to help u to forgive that person.
If God love us the way He let His son Jesus to die on the cross for us, we should forgive and really forgive that person.
Never avenge for the wrong for God will repay that person back.
Leave it to God. Remember God’s grace and what u have received, pass it on to others.
Forgiveness is a process which may take time and then u need God to heal your pains and hurts .
Nobody is perfect ,we all made mistakes.Someday we too may offend or hurt our friends unintentionally..
An easy way to forgive others is u think of them as like little children..It is much easier to forgive children than adults.
These are some interesting sites if you are interested ,
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2006/julaug/14.38.html
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2005/sepoct/10.16.html
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 April 2008):
I don't come here for those 'sick' Agony Aunts.
They can rant all they want and it is a waste of my resources to reply them. Period!
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (3 April 2008):
Yeah you're right its not easy to forgive someone. I know some of the other people on here are like 'how can you on earth forgive your mother' and say she doesnt deserve it. She may not 'deserve' to be forgiven for what she has done, but YOU deserve to live a life free of anger, hurt and resentment and to be free of that you have to forgive. Its not saying what she did was ok, its saying that you no longer allow what she did to you to haunt you and mess you around basically. Its choosing to let go. This web site I read say something which I believe is really right and may help you understand. "Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else." You might wanna take a look at this website as it talks about forgiveness, might help you find that for your mother.
http://www.celebratelove.com/forgive.htm
You said you have seen a counsellor but it hasnt worked. I know that often with abuse victims it can take a fair while before they are 'healed'. Maybe you need to keep tryign seeing a counsellor. Or maybe your counsellor your saw just wasnt right for you. I think it would be worthwhile seeing a different one. Some counsellors arent very good at there job and some are really good at it! So maybe this is why they never really helped you.
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A
female
reader, x-kitycatlok-x +, writes (3 April 2008):
 This woman may be after money from you and sexually assaulted you when you were under age, beat you and you're thinking about FORGIVING her? Seriously? This is no joke? How can you forgive someone who has done such horrible things to you. This woman needs help somehow. Leave it at that. Don't speak to her again. That's my advice. She can't expect you to forgive her after hurting you so badly when you were younger, can she?
Wishing you the best.
xx
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Laura you seriously make my blood boil!!!!! This poor guy was sexually molested by his mother and now she wants money out of him. He was violated in the most disgusting vile way by his own flesh and blood and you think that he should be forgiving that piece of scum.
You bloody do-gooders need SHOOTING, why are you an "Agony Aunt"??? This guy needs serious help and all you do is sprout a load of old B***CKS, about helping her as she is his biological mother, after what that F**KING SCUM put him through. Its not the first time you have been on a PAODOPHILE'S side, you did it a few weeks ago too.
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A
female
reader, Lara1976 +, writes (3 April 2008):
Hi Dan
I think ultimately you need to think about what is best for you. As Laura has said holding onto grudges is ultimately not good for you personally because it builds a bittnerness inside which is hard to deal with and may affect how you connect with and trust other people during the rest of your life. Maybe trying to reach an understanding of your mum's situation at the time she treated you this way could help you. But having said that, to forgive is not to forget, and even if you do get to understand your mum better and feel you can forgive her for what happened in the past I think it's both very understandable and sensible of you to be wary. Have you spoken to your foster parents about this? Do you keep in contact with any other relatives or siblings? Do you know anything about your mum's current situation? I think you need some more information before you make any decisions to let your mum back into your life in any way.
It is natural to want to involve your mother in your life. Despite how she has treated you, a part of you probably still loves her just because she is your mother. She is very lucky if that is the case because she may have a hope of building a relationship with you in the future.However, she has betrayed the bond between you and I think she has to do a lot of work to show you that she wants to be a proper mum to you in the future. She may have changed and you may want to give her the opportunity to show you that she has - this is the difficult choice you've got to make. But if you do want to let her back into your life could you think about some laying down some conditions - maybe writing her a letter before you agree to meet setting out how you feel about how she treated you and how you want to develop things in the future. I would also be careful to protect you life as it is now. It sounds like despite your troubles you have made a good life for yourself, hold down a job and are a caring thoughtful person. I know plenty of 18 year olds who have lead a very blessed life and haven't managed this so be proud of what you have achieved! If you do want to meet her, take things slow. Meet for 1/2 hour for a coffee in a public place or ask someone to be present when you meet her. Don't feel obliged to take things at her pace, if she genuinely wants to build a relationship with you she will do whatever it takes to make you feel at ease - maybe ask your foster parents if they can think of a way of you and her being able to contact one another that is more neutral (e.g. without giving her your mobile no at the start - snail mail or a neutral contact through social services might be safest?).
So to summarise: (1) Find out more information about her current situation (if she is a drug user for example, you may want to wait until she is clean to re-establish contact when she is in a position to put some time and effort into connecting with you and has a clear head and won't be in need of money); (2) Write her a letter setting out how you feel, what conditions you want to have in place before you meet (e.g. not using drugs, another person present, anything that will make you feel comfortable and safe) and how you see things progressing; (3) If you do meet her, take it slow and take time in between meetings to think over what having your mum back in your life is adding to it.
Like I said it is very very natural to want your mum back in your life, but sometimes it can be that people do better without their parents. My father made a decision a long time ago to never contact his father again (a history of physical abuse and constant humiliation in his childhood) simply because while it made him sad not to have A dad in his life, it made him sadder to have HIS dad in his life. I am of course biased but my dad went on to have a fantastic career, have three children and be a wonderful father to us all. History does not repeat itself unless you want it to and it maybe that in your case you decide you can do better with the support of the people you choose to be your family now and in the future. I wish you the very best of luck,
Lx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): NO NO NO. dont do it, she will only try to hurt you. my grandmother done me the exact same way. If your mom is sick enough to abuse you, then shes not getting any better. people like that DO NOT deserve another chance they DO NOT!
trust me on this, ive been through it myself. DO not let her get close enough to you, to destroy everything you have now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Although I do think everyone deserves a second chance, you've got to be really careful about this. Whatever has gone on must have been awful honey, I really feel for you, so you've got to keep safe and not throw yourself in the deep end with things. Don't feel obliged to forgive her - you do what you think is best for you. But if you feel you and her could have a good relationship, or even if you just want to know how things are going with her, go for it. But stay safe okay honey? I'm here for you if you wanna message me or anything :] good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Hi,
Firstly, theres no time limit on the damage that abuse can cause so if you still feel the need to speak with your counsellor then you have to do it.
Secondly, from my point of view, I could not forgive and forget....Im sorry, I know you only live once but thats exactly the point. You have one chance at life and she gave you a shitty start, theres nothing fair about that.
Finally only you can decide what to do, it depends in your heart how you feel, if you can forgive then you are a better person than me.
I think you need to find out the reasons that she has chose to turn up at this point in your life, what could be in it for her financially? - and make sure there is no way in hell she is going to get it. Just be careful,keep your eyes open some people are very good actors, as if enough damage hasnt been done she may be coming to stir the pot or she may genuinely have realised the error of her ways.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (3 April 2008):
Apologize to Dan for the error.
My eyes may have been blurred..LOL!
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A
male
reader, dan.1 +, writes (3 April 2008):
dan.1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanx for all ur comments. i have seen a counslier and they couldnt help me even thou i was wiv them 4 2 years i know is should 4give her but it not dat easy
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (3 April 2008):
Hmm I dont think I can really say what her intentions are. Do you have alot of moeny that she could be after? how could she get money out of you anyway?
I am really sorry that your mum treated you so badly and abused you. Thats not right at all and you deserve so much more. I hope you are with a really good foster family. Its good that you can understnad what happened to you was wrong. Alot of people think its ok or normal, and think they deserve it, when really they dont deserve it at all!
Are you wondering if you should forgive her?
By no means is what she did ok or in any way acceptable. It is 100% wrong and should of never happened. However to forgive her is ok. Forgiving is about saying 'what you did was wrong but I will not let it conitnue to haunt me and eat me up everyday, I choose to let go'.
I wonder if you have ever talked to a professional about what you have been through? I can only beguing to imagine how horrible it must of been for you and how its effecting you now. Maybe thats something you should consider, seeing a counsellor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): I think you have some choices here. Emotionally it may well be best, if you can, to try and build some kind of bridges with your Mum - however I think it would be the right thing to do it in the presence of a counsellor / professional person if you can so that the conversations can be supportive for YOU and you will feel they have some structure to start with - there are many organisations who will offer help please ask them. There are many many issues you speak about and they are serious and need to be gradually dealt with - bit by bit - as you cannot underestimate how your feelings may bubble up once you see her and speak with her again. Don't put pressure on yourself to do everything in one go. It is a positive sign that your Mum wishes to make contact but you are very wise to hold things at arms length - keep your strength. You can maintain the control over this - how you speak, where, how much to let her in. You need feel no duty to her as she has much to make up for and I really think you need to stay focused on yourself too so that all the good work you have done for yourself over the years is not undone. You have been a strong person so far and sound like really level headed so I'm sure, given some space and time to do things in the way YOU want to.... you will make the right decisions.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (3 April 2008):
Whatever happened in the past, you should let go and forgive her.
Keeping a grudge against her will not bode well for you.
Do exorcise those hateful spirits for they will only do you harm.
Try to understand her predicaments and those conditions
which she was not able to handle correctly which lead to your abuse.
Help her financially if you can because what you sow , so shall you reap.
She is after all your biological mother.
You may not understand now but someday when you become a
mother with kids, you will feel for your mother.
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