A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am not completely sure how forgiveness works. I don't know when to let go of something, or to hold onto it -- I either do or I don't, and that is that.I have a question about forgiving and forgetting.To ask it, I feel I should give the story to you.It will sound stupid. I am stupid. But I'm also young, and constantly between confused and sad and happy.1. We're going to say his name is Jason.2. And we're going to say her name is Hailey.Basically, I have known Jason and Hailey since middle school, and am now a senior in high school.Jason and Hailey became two of my closer friends last year. I gained some feelings for Jason and Hailey, but ended up asking Hailey to be my girlfriend.Now Hailey is a really sweet girl. She's gorgeous and just a really loving person. We dated for a couple of months before the trouble started.Another friend, whose name I will deem as "Brittany",told me that Jason and Hailey "made out". I took the information in but was not quick to believe it because I feel that rumors are pointless, silly things no one should take to heart unless said rumors are proven to be true. So, I let it go.However, later, maybe a week or so later I think it was, Brittany told me that Jason and Hailey slept together.And not long after, maybe a week later (again) Hailey broke up with me. She was in tears, and the only reasoning she would give me was "I'm a whore" to which I felt was extremely self critical. (I found out later on that someone had told her that and that compelled her to break up with me.)Some time passed after we broke up and Jason and I continued being friends as usual. I had not yet confirmed with him that he slept with Hailey. (He was a virgin as far as I knew still. She was not.)I ended up going to Jason's house. He and I have known each other for so long and have had sexual tension between us for years. I couldn't help myself, and we almost ended up having sex, but instead (I'll leave the details out.)...Later that night while I was at home, feeling guilty about what we'd done,I asked him if he and Hailey really had slept together. When he said yes, I felt..So betrayed, and bitter, and like I'd just been made a fool out of.So he had talked to me about sleeping with a girl whose name he wouldn't say, we engaged into some things, and the whole time he was holding onto the knowledge that she (Hailey) had cheated on me with him?I don't know why, but, I have not forgiven him.In fact, I told him I didn't ever want to speak to him again and that he was no longer considered a friend in my eyes. That was earlier last year and now it's like we were never friends. We don't talk but sometimes I really miss him and our friendship. But then I think about what he did with her, and then the fact that he could just turn around and do things with me like it didn't matter to him.Sure, he apologized, and sure he's given me space,But I just miss him and I hate that our friendship ended.Should I ever forgive him? I just get so angry when I look at him. And I don't even know anymore if he'd be willing to be my friend anymore after all this time.Please help me?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Or actually.. in time you should forgive it in your heart so that you can move on. But don't forget. Forgiving doesn't mean you will be friends again, it just mean you will no longer carry hatred towards them. Forgiving does not mean you erase the episode from your memory and everything goes back to normal. Forgiving simply means you will no longer hold a grudge. But you are still free to not want to be their friend, based on the new knowledge of their character.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 January 2013):
"I don't know why, but, I have not forgiven him."
Of course not, because he's committed the worst sin anyone can really do: betrayal.
He betrayed you, in several ways, and on many occasions. He lied to you on several occasions, right to your face. He slept with your then girlfriend.
There is nothing left of this friendship, because honestly.. he cares nothing at all for you. If anything, he holds on to your friendship in the hopes of sleeping with you too. And your ex was right, she is a w##re. I'm not usually that blunt, but she cheated on you, meaning she did not respect you either, and betrayed you. Both of them are selfish and egoistic. Their actions reflect their character. You should not forgive, you should find new friends and never talk to the ones who betray you again. If you do talk to them, you show that you are okay with being walked over and disrespected.
"We don't talk but sometimes I really miss him and our friendship"
You are allowed to miss the friendship. But remember, they were the ones who cared so little for this friendship that they tossed it away for something as cheap as casual sex.
Make new friends, and remember to never keep toxic people in your life. These two past friends of yours are toxic. They do not deserve to be your friend. There are better people out there, people who do not stab you in the back. Everyone deserves good, healthy friendships. These two you should completely cut out of your life. It will hurt for a while, because they hurt you. But by cutting them out you are not allowing them to hurt you again. If you were to remain friends... they would hurt you again. Because their actions have shown you their character, who they are. They are selfish people. You should not be friends with selfish people.
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A
female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 i think you care about your friend and i believe you guys can still be friend..let bygones be gone oryt.Try for the sake of what you guys had/have!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 January 2013):
 The combinations of friends/sex/love are much like matches and gasoline... As long as all are handled safely - and let's assume that everybody knows what "safely" means - then all is well....
HOWEVER, there ARE combinations that are less-safe, and some are even destructive and/or fatal.... You've described one of those....
Perhaps the wisest thing to do - under the cirsumstances - is to see if you can't engage everybody who has participated in these activities to "come clean" in a pow-wow.... with the understanding that YOU are having trouble feeling OK with the friendships and the dynamics.... and you are guessing that, maybe, they are, as well...
IF that get-together clears the air... and all have been honest ... AND determined what did happen, what it "means" and what can happen in the future.... THEN perhaps you (all) agree to a "do-over" with this (these?) incidents in the past....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (25 January 2013):
Well, I think this whole episode is best left behind you, and that you should not persue any friendship with either of them. The world is full of people and there will be other friendships and relationships that leave you feeling positive. You can do without mixing with anyone who gives you a bad vibe.
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