A
female
age
30-35,
*111da89
writes:i have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now.When we first met i didnt know he smoked weed, but as time went on he seemed to smoke more and more to the point where i said it was bothering me.His personality has changed and the smell drives me mad. lately we have been arguing more and more and they all relate to weed.I've asked him to stop. He then lied n was doing it behind my back i caught him out. he then said he would only smoke on occation which i could deal with but then it was back to everyday n then 3 times a day but he would always come up with some sort of excuse like 'well u ^^^ss^d me off' or 'well you do what you want and ill do what i want' (and he would be refering to me going shopping). Our relationship is at breaking point am i love him so much and i no he loves me and i dont want to give up on him but i dont no how much more i can take.i sent him a very long message explaining all this and how i felt and that i understand that he wouldnt realise he had a problem and that i would support him untill he does. he has since ignored me i havent had any form of responce and he went out with his friends (they smoke too) last night till late last night but hasnt said a word to me. Could somebody please help me show him that without weed he is a wonderfull person who i want to spend the rest of my life with... i just cant us being together in the future anymore :( Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): "i no he loves me and i dont want to give up on him but i dont no how much more i can take."If he loved you, then he wouldn't lie or make excuses or throw his transgressions back in your face so instead he's taking advantage of you since he knows he can get away with continuing to smoke weed because you won't make good on your threat to leave him and you'll continue to enable him instead. You apparently can take as much disrespect and contempt as he's willing to pile onto you, because you don't have the guts or backbone to stand up for yourself and walk away with self-respect, pride and dignity intact. "Could somebody please help me show him that without weed he is a wonderfull person who i want to spend the rest of my life with... "No, you're asking the impossible. By "wonderful person" I assume he tells you he loves you and treats you like a queen andf otherwise shamelessly plays to your ego and vanity, BS lines any charming manipulative con artist can feed a gullible, desperate, insecure, needy chick. Fact is anyone who lies and makes excuses and blames others rather than owning up to his mistakes is not wonderful, and in boyfriend's case that's not the weed talking, that's who he is: a self-absorbed narcissist who always puts himself first.Besides, you've already contradicted yourself about his marijuana use being a deal breaker by telling him you'll support him until he admits he has a problem. Since he doesn't think he has one, you have effectively given him your blessing to smoke weed whenever he wants because he will never admit he has a problem and he knows you'll remain underfoot as his loyal adoring doormat.If you think that a guy needs to "change" some aspect of his life that he would not be otherwise inclined to change in order for you to want to be with him, then he's not the guy for you. If a guy not only makes no effort to change some aspect of his life that a girl he supposedly loves finds objectionable but also lies and makes excuses for such behavior, then he's not the guy for you.Late addendum: just saw unverified anon posting purportedly from OP saying she's moved out. Glad you came to your senses, but be aware he's not going to give up. He's going to tell you everything you want to hear in order to try and weasel his way back into your affections, but he won't mean a word. Simple advice: Don't believe what a creep like him SAYS, believe what he DOES (and has done). As said before, if he was a wonderful person who truly loved you he would not lie or make excuses whether or not he believed he had a problem with weed. As heartbroken as you are, you need to step back and take self-inventory to understand why you allowed yourself to be conned by such a shallow, deceitful, reprehensible scumbag. Weed wasn't the problem in your relationship, HE was. He didn't choose weed over you, he chose HIM over you. He probably got to the point where the effort he needed to expend constantly appeasing you wasn't worth the benefit of regular sex, and he will soon move on to an insecure needy chick who is more docile and compliant than you now are. If you don't learn the right lesson from this experience, then you'll likely fall into the same trap with another lying, cheating, charming, manipulative con artist who tells you everything you want to hear to get you to do exactly what he wants.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Headline question: How can you convince him it's a deal breaker? By leaving.
"but he would always come up with some sort of excuse" He's an addict, addicts defend their addiction. You need to start treating this for what it is, this isn't casual smoking at parties or testing out drugs like most teens do at periods in their life. This is addiction. Treat it as such. You can't reason with him, because he's addicted. You can't "make" him stop, because he's addicted.
He needs to want this for himself, regardless of whether you stay with him or not. And so far, he's not exactly looking like he'll sober up.
Leave. You might love him, but addicts such the life out of you. They bring so much pain, and you're too young and inexperienced to be handling all of this.
If I were you I'd tell his parents that he's an addict and then leave him. He needs to sort his life out. It's not as easy as "if he loves me he'll quit". He's addicted, it' snot a choice of his to do what he does, it's teh addiction controlling him. Yes, he's still responsible at the very end of it all, but you need to stop seeing him as a reasonable logical human, and start seeing him for what he truly is. Only then will you be able to handle this. Get educated on addictions and drug-abusers, and maybe you can figure out what to do.
But, you're still too young to handle such a big task. If he can't quit on his own he'll need to go to rehab, or you'll have to suck it up and live with the addiction and be co-addicted with him. But what wort of future can you have with a man who is so heavily into drugs at such a young age?
You know drugs mess up your brains. If he smokes 3 times a day he's not going to be very capable of holding a job, let alone complete any studies. He also runs a high risk of getting a personality disorder from all the smoking, because his brain can't handle it. This is only going to get worse, it might not even help that he stops now, it might even be too late.
You need to pull out of this relationship. At the very least, it'll save you the pain of being co-addicted. At the very best, it might make him take his drug use seriously. Don't count on you and him getting back together, but if you love him you'll want him to get well, with or without you in his life. So far you're only enabling this drug abuse, as there are no consequenses for him.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Hi
He is avoiding you till you calm down, he knows you will forgive him and put up with his habit, you have done so far.
All you can do is end this relationship if it IS a dealbreaker because until,if ever, he is ready, he won't stop.If you stick around it's like saying you forgive him and it's ok to go ahead.
If he is smoking up to 3 times a day it must affect other parts of his life, his job,driving etc and cost a fortune.Plus he has friends with the same habit so will have them siding with him if he moans about your attitude.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Damn I know people who chose crack over anybody anything. Maryjane is illegal plus the reeking smell. I choose to be drug free for now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 January 2013):
 You sit him down and say to him: "You know, hunchy-bunchy, I DO like you a lot. However, I don't wish to date anyone who smokes weed..... so, until and unless you choose to discontinue doing that, this discussion will segue in to a "break-up" discussion. Do you understand that?"
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 January 2013):
 If it's a dealbreaker then you have to "break" your "deal." Meaning if he doesn't stop, you have to actually call it off. You can give him warning first, but if this is a dealbreaker for you and he doesn't stop, there's really nothing else to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): I am in the exact same relationship as you but I am 3 years down the road. I wish I had a better story to tell you, but I'm afraid in my experience it only gets worse. I stayed because I thought he'd grow up and stop doing it eventually but the fact is he won't. He will keep smoking, lie to you about it, and you will reach the stage where you don't trust him whenever he goes out because you suspect (actually know is more accurate) that he is getting stoned and that it's more important to him than you are. I am in the process of ending my relationship now because I can't see a future with someone who is always high. That life doesn't fit with my vision of a marriage and children no matter how much I love him. The only thing is, now I am 26 and feel I have given the best years of my life to someone who had another true love - weed. Please think about this.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 January 2013):
There are only two steps to this scenario:
Step 1: You tell him that his smoking weed is a deal breaker.
Step 2: He quits or you leave.
If you don't leave then it's not a deal breaker. Maybe after you leave he'll come to his senses, but there are no magic words to get him to stop if he hasn't already.
The reality is that he probably won't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): yea im moving out tonight he chose the weed what can i say heartbroken...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 January 2013):
 I'm sorry there is nothing more you can do.
It's a deal breaker for you and he wants to use it.
You have told him you don't like it and don't want him using it but you are not showing him by leaving him.
You will have to leave I'm afraid. Then he may or may not stop using. That's the scary part. To find out that he would rather smoke pot than be with you.
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