A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I caught my boyfriend on cheating. We were at friend's wedding. he was utterly and almost unconsciously drunk. He didnot know who I am when I entered the room he was with this awful girl. Trousers down, she was correcting her clothes, not sure what exactly they did, but clearly at least a BJ was involved. He loves me to bits. Was always insecure I might cheat on him as he is full of complexes and I left him before before we did not get on well. Now we have tried to built new life together. I had realised how much we loved each other and over the last year we both put a lot of effort to make it work. Sex was the best thing we always had...he does not remember anything. I am not saying that to defend him. He really did not know why I was not in the the hotel room the next day. The hours after I caught them, hit him in a cheek he spent somewhere he does not recall. He only found out what he did when he called my friend to look for me because he was worried. was devasted, my friend convinced me to see him as he was in a state of total destruction.Hours of crying...he hates himself. I hate him too.After two days when my world collapsed, total depression and tears i managed to let him speak. He is totally sorry, can't look at me and at himself. I do not know what to do. I always said I would never forgive cheating and now I am faced with such dillemma. How one can move on...I love him dearly, he is the most wonderful and good person I know. He treats me well, adores etc...Would you forgive something like that? he knows he would not be able to drink ever again if I decide to give him a chance..but will I be able to accept it and go back to normal life? as someone said before, how do you look into someone's eyes whilst making love? how can you make love after that?Please comment here...it is so unusual situation from others described and I am torn.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 May 2008):
 If you love him and want to continue in your relationship,
you will have to forgive him and move on.
Time will slowly heal your hurts and pains.
Nature has a very queer way.
The things you feared most will come to past and what you abhorred would be forced upon you.
It is God's way to show you that you should not have
unforgiveness in your heart or you will have to pay a very heavy price.
A
male
reader, 4-barrel  +, writes (29 May 2008):
Sh*t no. Don't forgive him its a sign of weakness and a sign a a poor drunk . Not sure whats worse but one goes hand in hand. If they can't handle their sh*t under pressure then leave em' its the best you can do for one another.
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A
female
reader, Gio +, writes (29 May 2008):
Hi again.
It is not sad to think you would advice a friend to dump the cheating boyfriend. We do this because we hurt when someone hurts our dear ones. That is why sometimes it is better to talk to a person that is not so closely involved, someone who can see things objectively sort to say. Taking a few days to yourself is a good idea, try to think not so much on what happened but on what you need to do in order for your relationship to work from now on (if you decide to stay with him)
Gio
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): Dear all,Thank you for your warm words and all comments. I have to say I really feel the way you advice me to do. I believe this love is worth a try. I am still thorn because I feel humiliated and hurt, and because I always swore I would never forgive cheating. He apologises and says he will do it everyday. He cannot look at me without a genuine cry...I do not think I have a certainty he would not do it when more sober. How can I know that now? I always wanted to believe he would not...now I am not sure.In regards to Replacement comment- I was at this wedding, I saw him going with her. She is a total stranger to us, ugly, fat single woman. She was also very drunk, not as he was of course, and certainly had one thing on her mind because she seduced another couple of men very drunk too at that time. She ended up spending rest of this night with 4th man - the ugliest man on the whole party. My bf does not remeber her, does not recall her name, doubt he knew it before that happened anyway. He met her on a balcony on a cigarette 'break'. Today I went to see our therapist which had seen for last few months to resolve issues emerging from our troubled childhoods. We were doing really well and relationship blossomed prior to this incident. The therapist said it is a form of sabotage what happened. Almost like a test to our love. I do not agree....She also said he was 'pushed' to it after my telling him off for excessive drinking. I admit I was quite angry at some point when he was going over the limit. Mostly because he is overly affectionate to me in public, and generally creates attention. Not aggressive sort of man, rather showing off his love and passion when it is inappropriate...I do not feel any responsibility for what happened. I had the right to feel angry and there is no excuse to 'feel like a little boy told off by a mother for doing something he wants and then doing something nasty to show his power' as the therapist says...I was rather disappointed with her today. she clearly did not encourage me to try to resolve this problem, perhaps she does not see a point. If our therapist does not think it is the good choice, how can I think that?He said he would not drink. I did not discuss it further, but if I decide to forgive him he would have to quit altogether. Perhaps 2 beers in my presence would be a treat...maybe I am harsh, but there is a problem with control...Gio, you're right. Finding true love is not easy..perhaps I can try and risk living with 'it'. Maybe as Emivia says one day it will be possible to have sex with your own bf and not see that horrible picture instead of loving person.I am going away for a few days...I cannot speak about it with my friends, they would not understand my dilemma. Ironic really, I would not understand it either if I were them. I would advice to dump cheater immediately...sad.
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A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (28 May 2008):
 If he was THAT drunk, I would forgive him. Sounds like the girl took advantage of him, and I'm sure he would never have done anything like that if he were sober... right? People do out of character things when they are drunk, things that do not reflect on them personally or on who they really are. Was the girl a stranger? If it's someone you'll probably never see again, then it'll be easier to move forward. Does he even remember her name? Could be that they were both shitfaced when they found one another, if they were drinking together I'd be more worried. Ask his friends what they saw, it's important to create a full picture in your mind so you know exactly what happened, so that you know how much of it was him and how much was the alcohol.Maybe you should take a short break from him to really think about it, and whether or not it is forgivable in your mind. I imagine it will be very difficult to get over, and you'll have to ask him to be patient and loving with you while you work through it.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (28 May 2008):
 Yes of course you forgive him if you genuinely love him and he genuinely loves you.
Everyone makes mistakes - sometimes very serious ones. What you might not forgive would be if he had had a relationship with someone over a period of time. You might also find it difficult to forgive a deliberate one-off he had. But this is neither of these. It's a mistake; a very serious mistake but just a mistake. Don't let it spoil something that could have lasted for the rest of your lives without any further problems of that sort.
How do you live with it? How do you make love and look into his eyes? Well, were you his first and was he your first? No? So it's no different. Start as you once did. Even if the answer is yes, then still start again - because it's no different from treating it as a past relationship that's over, is it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): Its a difficult situation. But im a girl and i have been on the other side of the coin.
i was at a party and had a few drinks without eating, didnt really realise how much i had to drink, next thing i know im in a bedroom, this guy kissing my neck, i was so so drunk i didnt even register what was going on. it wasn't a conscious decision i was so drunk, we ended up having sex. didnt have a clue who he was!
then the next thing i know, my boyfriend. who i love so much walked in and there we are, same situation!
nice people do bad things.
it took a long time before my bf forgave me, but he knew how drunk i was.
it doesnt excuse it.
but as long as you're not getting walked over. if you love them you can work through it. thankfully my boy did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): If he is willing to totally give up drinking to the point of intoxication, the you can give it a try. He sh=ounds like a good person who made a bad mistake and needs to wake up and smell the coffee as far as his drunken behaviour is concerned. But if you love him and cant imagine yourself without him, try it. Dont break up without giving it a go, honey. It will be hard, you will struggle but try it and see how things go. See if you can leave the past in the past and move on to new pastures together. If it doesnt work, so be it, but dont give up without a fight! :-D
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A
female
reader, Gio +, writes (28 May 2008):
Sometimes we have to forgive certain things...the question is, do you believe it happened just because he was totally drunk? If you do, and you think he would not have done it otherwise, if you both love each other as much as you say, you loose nothing by trying to forgive him and trying to restore what you had. It will probably take some time to trust again, but if he perhaps promises not to drink to the point where he loses his senses, that could help?
Finding a good man and true love is not easy. You need to weigh the positive things in your relationship against the bad ones. It can help you to decide what you need to do.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): I have been through a similar situation.
I decided to try again with my boyfriend.
It is very painful making love again. Every time we had sex I would cry and stop as soon as either one of us felt pleasure or half way through. Months have gone past and it still hurts, but it is getting better slowly but surely. I still can't look at him entering me without suddenly jumping off him. It's very, VERY hard. But I am getting there. He has been patient and says he understands. It has only been months so I do not know the outcome.
Sometimes I still think about breaking up with him because of it.
Give yourself time and try to figure out it you think the pain of being with him again after what he has done will be greater than the pain of living your life without him.
Good Luck hunny. I hope that everything turns out ok for you and that the pain will fade in time. You can mail me if you’d like.
X
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