A
female
age
36-40,
*yofb
writes:Should I feel guilty?Ok, I met this guy last summer. For some reasons I cant afford a relationship right now. So he and I were being casual. We just hang out sometimes and share bed time to time.Actually I thought he's kinda player because one of our mutual friend said so. But turns out hes deep inside a very sincere guy who seeks a relationship even if he appears to be pretty unconventional. So I kinda got cold feet when he started talking about bf gf stuff and offered me the key of his place. And I finally said I just want to keep things casual and stay friends. He took my words pretty easily. And last xmas when he invited me a party I found out he got a gf. I'm totally cool with that but I thought it would be awkward if I visit him as I used to. But he said his gf is ok w it because she knows he's got many female friends. So one night I paid him a visit then drank a little. Then I was about to sleep on a couch he insisted that I sleep in bed. One thing led another we were just so familiar with each other, he and I ended up having sex. I asked him if hes sure about this right before having sex he said what she doesn't know wont hurt her. Well Im a single and I actually dont feel guilty that much and I think it's his reponsibility to feel sorry for his gf. He and I just get along well still after that happened. And I kinda found this state convenient for me not to mention that I surely have needs and he meets them good. I feel a little disappointed that hes being a liar but should I stop this or its not bad to just take advantage of it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): I always say "just because you can doesn't mean you should!" I have always been very good to my wife but she went through a midlife crisis and she cheated on me. I have never cheated on her or even flirted with someone else. I don't abuse her, I tell her I love her EVERY day, I am romantic, she is VERY happy in our bedroom, we are both affectionate, I listen to her and talk with her. I ahve stood by her when she was in the worst of times. I put a ring on her finger and we are even planning a family. But she cheated. I was lied to and cheated on and deceived for 10 months by the woman who claimed to love me. She was going to leave me and she was infatuated with someone else (who was not attractive, was into drugs, and who has no interest in a relationship!) My wife kissed that skank and they shared secret flirty emails and texts. My wife bought that idiot gifts and cards and pined for months over that moron. Meanwhile, I wanted to just die. Every day I was depressed. My wife constantly lied to me, and while she was enjoying her exciting little "secret" affair, I was in pain and I just wished I was dead. I hated my life. And that other person knew I existed. But that just doesn't stop some people. I read emails between them, where my wife's "friend" admitted that it was "wrong" to steal glances at my wife, and didn't know why he did it, because he knew it was wrong. The point is, while all this was going on, they both knew I was at home being disrespected and deeply depressed. I was even physically ill, not sleeping or eating. They BOTH knew it was wrong. They didn't get as far as sex but the desire was certainly there. That fact killed me. They had kissed, nearly had sex, and they shared texts and emails full of flirting and emotional conversations. But it came down to the fact that they would not make a relationship. My advice is to break it off. You are in the wrong and you know that what you are doing is wrong. You don't take what's not yours and it doesn't matter if he throws himself at you. He's got a GF. Don't be part of the deciet. There's more than enough in this world and it's wrong to be part of it. Have some ethics and scruples.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Sure, there's no harm with sleeping with anyone, but you've got to be careful hon. He may be eye candy, and he be cute and buff, but not every guy out there is "in love" with you....just as much as him having something on the side. We all want to be loved, we all want to be wanted, but what if he doesn't really love you? What if he's just saying it to keep you coming back for more? He's still with his woman. He's still having sex with you. For all we know, and you may continually say but he does love me, he does want me but I think he should tell her....what would you benefit from that? Honestly, he's basically using you. If he wanted you, he would have ended it with her. Sure, "he's a friend" sure, and umm yes, he took your words casually...but in convenience as you said, is it all worth your sanity? Why does it matter that he tells his gf about your little fling? And umm let's see, you said a friend told you he's got this nature as being known as a player? So you want a piece of it too? What's too say you're not known as a player yourself? What is it that you really want? CAuse all you're ever going to get is us telling you you are wrong for doing what you are doing. We're goign to tell you go find someone that's available. You are not available for a relationship, yet you want him to tell her that's he's sleeping around. What's that about? Be honest to yourself cause in the end, this guy is probably doing others and what he tells his gf is his business and not your own. And if you don't like it, then go find someone else that is free of all strings.
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A
female
reader, myofb +, writes (18 March 2011):
myofb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOther than that I said below, I understand I was wrong about that fact that I was having an affair with a guy whos taken. I feel bad about that hes cheating and lying and I was dff playing a part in those no matter I liked it or not.
I just dont see any harms in sleeping with anybody I want as long as both are honest with each other even with parters respectively.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (18 March 2011):
The attitude that you have no responsibility for your "friend" screwing over his gf by sleeping with you is pure bullshit. In a civil and free society, we all have responsibility for each other. There is an unwritten social compact, frayed as it is in this day and age of "me me me", that helps make living in civil society workable. You are a party to breaking that compact and making civil and free society just that much less civil. Think about that. I don't care if you're single or married to ten men -- what you do as an individual has consequences not only for you, but for others as well. Wake up. Put yourself in the shoes of the person you are treating as a non-entity and ask yourself how that feels. Then...and only then...proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, myofb +, writes (18 March 2011):
myofb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell you might get me wrong, not that I really dont have to convince you or anything, I just want to make myself clear.
I actually consider myself as a romantic idealosist. I do believe in love and when it comes to love I exclusively and emotionally devote myself. Id been in two long term relationships so far one of which last 7yrs.
What I want to say is that having a casual relationship w a fwb is one thing and having an open relationship is another. Theyre completely different because when youre in an open relationship you completely not only love but also trust each other. And thats why you can continue the open relationship, I mean, in my case, I do believe that my parter will keep coming back to me just like me because having sex w others means nothing but having fun to me and I know its same to him.
I just dont want to deny the human nature which is that we all have urges to fuck someone looking nice now and then and I know I do even if Im in love.
I believe that truthful commitment cant be built only based on responsibility. It should be based on complete willingness of both so I dont want to tie up my partner ,in fact, Im happy as long as hes happy and honest with me. Rather than cheating behind back, Id have an open relationship. This cant be achieved without ultimate trust I think.
Like I said, I more focus on emotional commitment than on physical commitment and thats what matters only if you can handle the jealous and insecurity while that sounds a bit too ideal. One thing I want from relationship is that he loves me no matter what just like I do. And if you find this kind of live thats really special.
Am I weird?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): "Im not really a jealous type when it comes to see other people while being in love"Which means that you can't figure out how to emotionally commit to a relationship, and are probably afraid to commit, because you don't want to get burned, like you have helped other people burn their partners.Not being able to trust, you don't put yourself in a position to need to trust. Like being someone who can't swim, who never goes near the water.The problem is that some day you will find a need to wade into a relationship that requires that trust, and you will go nuts because you won't be able to do it.This poster below mirrors what will happen to you when you get there."had my boyfriend for more than a year now i find myself checking his phone and asking him about where he goes"You don't have to believe this, but then again you don't ever have to allow yourself to trust that much either.You should probably get a counselor and work on your issues. This activity on your part certainly bleeds into multiple facets of your life, forget the male/female relationships, there are lots of other "intimate" relationship levels.
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A
female
reader, myofb +, writes (16 March 2011):
myofb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your candor. And I fully understand that you guys think I might get hurt if I were his gf.
Well mabe because I used to have open relationships which worked for both of us very well and I believe two grown ups can have sex just to have fun without any emotional strings, Im not really a jealous type when it comes to see other people while being in love.
But I sure if he wants to see me as fwb he really need to be honest withhis gf and I strongly disagree what he said, which was "what she doesnt know wont hurt her." I may have casual relationships from time to time but I really dont like being a liar.
I think he needs to confront his gf anyhow. If he doesnt even have balls to say what he wants and what he has done, well, I guess I would be really diaappointed in him even as a friend.
I have to admit I was trying to kid myself by saying Im not the one whos ib a relationship because hes a real mancandy but I guess I gotta move on.
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Honestly whatever happened to sisterhood or just some sense of self-worth? You are knowingly engaging in an illicit 'affair' with a man who clearly has no respect for you (or his girlfriend) but then again why would he when you don't respect yourself either.
Whether the girlfriend knows or not deep down inside you know what you are doing is wrong. The truth will come out eventually and then what will you have to say for yourself? 'Oh I wasn't the one in the relationship'? You still look selfish and frankly a bit of a skeezer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): You should remember what comes around also goes around. You don't feel guilty and that says a lot about the type of person you are. Selfish and disgraceful. You and this guy are as bad as each other, the fact that you are not attached makes little difference. I'm sorry to judge you but going on this alone you are not a nice person.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Excellent answer, anonymous male!
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A
female
reader, storey62  +, writes (15 March 2011):
I used to do the same thing, i slept with a couple of guys that had girlfriends. I never thought anything of it as i was young and stupid. Now that i have had my boyfriend for more than a year now i find myself checking his phone and asking him about where he goes etc. What i am meaning is you dont actually realise how such a horrible thing it is to do when you have a partner of your own. If he slept with someone else i would be devastated! It is a shame i had to get a boyfriend of my own to figure this out but unfortunately we all do terrible things we regret!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Try this on for size; Now you are married, have two kids, and you husband is shagging the hot chick he works with, and she and he say to each other "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" but "she" is now you.
How does that feel when you try it on?
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A
female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (15 March 2011):
Do you know how hard it is to trust a guy you are dating that has a bunch of female friends in the first place? Then to find out one or multiple of the female friends are sleeping with him, that woman is going to have such a hard time trusting any guy anymore. As a woman I would be deeply ashamed to do this, it may be the other man in the relationship but you are definitely contributing to this. As you don't feel guilty I bet you haven't ever been cheated on.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (15 March 2011):
 I am sorry to be blunt but I think that a woman who sleeps with a man who is dating or married to someone else bears as much blame as the cheating man. You are a willing accomplice in deception and lies. If you were to put yourself in the place of the other person, the one being cheated on, you would feel hurt and betrayed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Hi there,
I think you should end it. It's not right. Sure you're single. Sure he's got a gf who knows that he's got female friends that come over to his place. Yes, the two of you are sleeping together and you like it. But still yet, it's wrong. Would you like it if the tables were turned - you as the gf and she as the woman sleeping with him? You are asking and I'm telling you as I see it. If you want to have FWB - and that's what it is, can't deny it, then go find someone that is available totally as a FWB and is not attached to someone that has a gf because that is what it is. Either he has to end it with her or you end it with him. Thta's just my thought in regards to this. Why are you continuing on with this sexcapade with him knowing fully well that he has a gf? You are just as guilty as he is. Sorry being harsh, but that's how I see it.
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