A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am 20 years old, and have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We have been recently engaged and I couldn't be more happier. But, the question arose of him wanting an open relationship. At first, I was hurt by him even telling me he wants other women sexually. But as he explained why..I slowly started to agree. He said its just for the sex, that he is in love with me and knows he wants me as his wife forever. But, seeing as we are young, being 22 comes with wanting to have fun and be free. He simply wants to have his cake and eat it too. Is it selfish for him to want me to stay with him wanting to have sex with toher woman? Over time thinking about having an open relationship, I dont want it anymore. My question is, can you be in love and want an open relationship? Do they work? Am I being naive to think it will stop once we are married? Please, I cant leave this man. I know thats what youre probably thinking..Just leave him already! But I simply cant, I love him too much. :/..help.
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male
reader, openmindedandinlove +, writes (16 March 2011):
 Those who say "if you love someone, you want them and only them" are wrong to a degree. For some, it's ok, for others it's not. What is important is how YOU feel about it! It does take two to agree on something so important to a relationship. And, being you are very young, there's no way you or he can know if your relationship can survive having sex with others, even if you both did agree on it. But you don't agree, so don't do it. And if he does, he's not the right guy for you. It is that simple. Don't complicate it by thinking you need to sacrifice for him because you love him. You are being untrue to yourself. My girl and I did discuss having others in our sex life, and we recently did just that and it did not affect our relationship. We love each other unconditionally. But, we in our 50s and we know what we want out of life and out of a relationship. You know what you want too, and it's not what your boyfriend wants.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Danger, danger!!
As blonde30s said, open relationships can only work when both people are happy about it.
You say you can't leave him, so pretty much you're going to do whatever he wants at the expense of your own well-being. You can't let him do this if you're not ok with it, its a recipe for disaster.
Are you being naive to think it will stop once you are married... yes you are. Lets say he's allowed to sleep with other women for two years before you get married... you really think he's going to just give up that lifestyle cold turkey once you get married? Or do you think he'll just convince you that its ok all over again... he knows that you won't leave him so of course that's what he'll do.
If he agrees to give it up when you're married, don't you think he'll delay the marriage for as long as possible?
Also consider STD's... You don't know where the women he sleeps with have been and regardless of protection, people can still catch certain STD's... which would then be passed onto you.
Seriously, you're ignoring some serious red flags here and pandering to his every whim at the expense of your well-being WILL catch up to bite you in the ass. Have some self respect. Tell him that you are NOT ok with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): It probably looks to you now as an ultimate aim - to marry someone and try to build up a family no matter what itches you, but throughout life you'll have dozens of different aims. And instead of supporting them to come true, your man is going to call someone going like :"hi, I'll come in half an hour", and then to you: "hy dear, I'll come at about 11 or 12, don't wait for me tonight, go to bed, I love you".
So how can you imagine that to last for ages?
And then comes the baby, real estate issues, X-mas with parients of both, common friends...
You can surely date him for a while, but how many lifes are you ready to ruin to make both dreams - of you married and of him having all the cakes - come real?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): I think youve said it yourself by saying you love him TOO much. Most would run a mile from his suggestions.
Part of truely loving someone is wanting to be faithful to them. Hes basically saying you are wife material but he doesnt want to commit to you just yet. He wants to play the field first. Thats all very well but what about sexual diseases, unwanted pregnancies, falling in love with one of his victims. As vicitms they will be.... if he has no intention of having proper relationships with them because hes got you waiting at home. Whether or not he would continue wanting sex with other women after marrying you is debatable. But id put my money on him wanting to continue having sex with others. It will be a habit by then and one he wont want to give up. Lets face it, if he wants sex with others now, when things with you should be peachy. He will definately keep wanting it once hes married. You may not want to leave him over a suggestion. But you could always give the ring back until hes ready to properly commit to you and be in an exclusive relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): You don't have to leave him, you just have to get used to sharing him with lots of other women. The choice is yours.
But I doubt he will change his mind.
Before long he will probably want you to join him and sleep with other men. Because that is how swinging works. He needs you to agree or he doesn't get to play either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Yikes, you hit it right on the nose - having your cake and eating it too. In my own opinion, I don't think it will work if this does happen. You don't want it and you need to be honest with that - and it seems you are. If you aren't happy with that thought of him sleeping with other women and having you as his bride, then I wouldn't stay engaged to him. You are still young and so is he. I think part of it is he's not ready to get married yet he doesn't want to lose you at the same time. You both need to grow up and travel the world. There's so much to see and do and honey, you are still young.
Can you see yourself as a young bride and he in bed with another woman on the same bed or another room? Would you be happy knowing that he's doing someone else while you're in bed or at work or out with family or friends? Let's be honest here. Cause I know I wouldn't be happy. I would be petrified wondering if he does love me or what he's thinking when he's doing her. What if he picks up some STD? I know I wouldn't want some STD given to him from some other woman. I'd wonder if he's enjoying another woman's body and not mine.
If I were you, I would basically tell him that we should wait until 5 years from now - he needs to grow up, because a man who loves his woman would never want another woman because his fiancee/bride is all the woman he ever needs...or you need to end the relationship with this circus clown. I know it hurts to hear this, but you deserve more than this. You deserve a man who wants you and only you. You want someone that will take care of your needs and your thoughts and your feelings. You are worthy of love that makes you feel like a woman - a real woman full of confidence in a relationship. You should never have to feel like you have to watch over your shoulders and wonder if he's with another woman. Love yourself,,,don't let him dictate how your marriage will be. If you're not happy, then I'd wait or find another dude that will make you happy. You deserve it my dear. Don't end up in a marriage that's not fulfilling to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Well Im 25 and I once was in an open relationship and it worked perfectly for both of us. But it should be a mutual thing which means you should get to see other people too otherwise its clearly selfish. And if you feel reluctant to do this kind of relationship you guys might need to talk about what you want from relationship.
In my case we both agreed on having an open relationship and we trust each other and fully understand that were just nothing but having fun when each of us was with somebody else. And we truly loved eachother. The reason that we broke up wasnt us being seeing other people. Besides other people who might be involved with you guys in the future absolutely need to know that you guys are together. Otherwise they might feel used and after all it might be true that you guys are just cheating pretending to be a single.
I totally understand your bf want to experience other women given the fact that you guys are still young. But if you dont feel the same you prob end up being hurt so you really should think about what you really want. Love doesnt work out well based on sacrofice of only one party.
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