A
female
age
30-35,
*roken mirror
writes:I need to get over a guy and stop feeling guilty. When I was almost 15 pretty much my bestfriend who was 20 asked me out. I was stupid and naïve and said yes. Things progressed out in our relationship and when I was almost 16 I ran away to live with him because I was scared of things at home. I thought I threw away all evidence about us (we had been caught talking before and parents thought it was put to an end), unfortunately I left a love letter behind and 5 days after being with him cops showed up. I loved him for who he was not what he said to me or gave me. When I ran away with him that was when I lost my virginity. Obviously he is in prison now. Parts of me still love him, I don't know how to get over him. I know I'm not the same person. I am 17 now quite a bit of time has passed, I've had a lot of other relationships. Should I be feeling this guilty for still loving him but not waiting for him?
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male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 @Broken,
Ye I can tell you feel a lot of guilt and I understand why BUT this wasnt your fault. You promised him you wouldnt change? Well to be honest thats a promise nobody can truly make. Ive recently been through a break up and have done somethings that I swore I wouldnt to my ex. What was wrong though was not *breaking* the promise but *making* it in the first place. I couldnt tell how what happened would change me. Its a false promise because nobody can tell entirely how things will pan out. Similar thing here. You made a promise nobody could reasonably expect you to keep. The mistake however was not breaking it but making it.
You were 15; it beggars belife that you wouldnt change and grow up and he's a touch naive if he truly believes you wouldnt, your a teenager, this is when an awful lot of change for everybody. Bloody hell. That wasnt your fault though Broken. He has issues and for that he has my sympathy but all your actions were doing were acting as a catalyst *if it hadnt had been you leaving him, it would have been something else*. No wonder you felt trapped.
You want to help him, you want to fix him, hence the attachment. I understand that, its laudable and commendable. BUT you have to live your own life too and go with what you want. No you did not know better, your reading what you know now into your situation then, at the time you did your best with what you knew and understood. You have to stop beating yourself up about this, maybe you did make some mistakes but we all do, hell I should know, whats important is you learn from them and grow and thats what you need to do to move on.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 April 2011):
 You're overt thinking and I feel you two used each other for emotional stability that you lacked within yourself. Your statement, "once other guys showed interest" says you're dependent upon what others think, and show you, for you to feel good about yourself. This is not helpful behavior, and can be dangerous in a relationship. It's like you trade one for the other, then the next comes along and you're over the last one, and this cycle continues over and over again, but throughout it all, never feeling good about yourself and who you are as an individual. So, whenever you change guys, in those you've been with, who's really important to you, other than their severing your desire in that moment?You need to work on your self esteem and gain some clarity of who you are and what you really want. I feel if you don't you're going to learn lessons you may not have wanted to learn. You cannot seek to receive from another, what you don't already posses yourself. I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, broken mirror +, writes (26 April 2011):
broken mirror is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor awhile I went to see a counsiler and it did help and occasionally I do go back to talk about some things. I want to believe it was somthing more I mean usually a guy wouldn't stick around for as long as he did. Maybe I'm wrong and just over thinking it I don't know.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 You wanted to be the same for him, and you sacrificed a lot for him, you did a lot for him, you are now ridden with guilt and why? Because he wanted something that was unrealistic, and something that in itself would change you and not let you be free or true to yourself. He did trap you. A man who threatens to kill himself if you leave is a manipulating controlling man. It is not done out of love for you! It is done out of self pity! You as you are had nothing to do with that, with him and his suicidal behaviour, or with his issues. But he used those issues to manipulate and control. It could have been you, but it could have been someone else. What he did was not right. To make you promise not to change was not right.. of him! Humans can not promise not to change. There are no guarantees. We might want something to last, but here is a little secret: for things to last you need to maintain them. People want love to last forever, but love does not. It lasts as long as you nurture it, take care of it, do not neglect, feed it, and so on. If left alone even a strong feeling like love will fade away. Love, and feelings for a person change over time. Love can grow stronger, but it can also weaken. Relationships change in nature as well. Nothing is ever constant. To ask someone not to change, or to believe that they will never change, is foolish and unfair to that person. He would be letting himself down by expecting you to never change. You are not a thing he can put away in his locker to have stay the exact same as when he left it there. You are a person. Yet he appears to have treated you more like an object, and like a belonging of his, not respecting your wishes to leave him. You made a naive promise not to change, because you didn't know better. But he was the foolish one to ask for such a promise, and foolish for thinking that anyone can promise such a thing, especially such a young girl as you were. It might sound harsh for you to hear this, but I believe this man used you and manipulated you. Not necessarily out of evilness, and somehow people who haven't experienced it believe that manipulative and controlling people are scary boogymen. But they are not, they are normal people around us who take advantage, and we do not recognize them because they aren't freaks of nature. They make sure to "fit in" and they work their ways to your heart, and once they think they have you trapped down they expose their true nature. And by then... "At times I did wanna leave him but I couldn't. I felt trapped. Even after we were caught by police when I ran away I still contacted him, it was just feeling attached to him."Have you spoken to anyone about what you went through? Have you worked with this? Is there any school nurse you could speak to about the things you go through?
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A
female
reader, broken mirror +, writes (25 April 2011):
broken mirror is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is more of guilt I feel. I feel horable I couldn't be the same, I always promised him I wouldn't change and I have, a lot. His issues were suicidal, I know he wasn't faking it because at one point before I ran away he upset me and I tried to leave him. He didn't want to live without me so he cut the vein and his brother found him before he lost too much blood. I of course took him back. At times I did wanna leave him but I couldn't. I felt trapped. Even after we were caught by police when I ran away I still contacted him, it was just feeling attached to him. Eventually I got over him in the sence of needing him once other guys started showing interest in me. I still wish I could just get over the guilt. I knew better and still did it.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (25 April 2011):
@Broken,
Heya. Ok, I just wonder though how do you honestly feel about the fact he is in prison in the first place? You said he has 'issues' already and this is something that is fuelling your guilt. Would it be fair to say that its actually the guilt you cant let go of, not love?
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male
reader, wiseguy +, writes (25 April 2011):
Let's face it. If it was just love he wanted, he could've been with you without having sex with you. But he wanted sex, he wanted pleasure, he took a risk, not out of love for you, but because he was horny. He did this for himself, not for you, not for you both. This was JUST about him. Too bad his gamble did not pay off, too bad the law caught up with him. His bad. Not your fault in ANY way. Forget it and move on.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 April 2011):
Im concerned for you, but I see this story a bit different from you. You are going through a lot of emotional experiences now, and as a teenager feelings are explosive and new, and even more passionate and on edge than when you are older and more balanced. What I hear from this story is a young girl who is so wrapped up in her emotions that she can not see clearly.
You have had many relationships since "then" which was a year ago? That is worrying, as a year really is not a lot of time. A year is short. Young as you are you feel like a year is so much time, but in the big picture, a year is close to nothing. You might have needed that year, or even more years, to get over what happened to you. Like it or not, the police came for a reason, and that reason was to protect you. They came not to be mean. You just do not want to face that, and face that this did have an impact on you. That impact might be, and most likely is, that you have lost the view of what is important, realistic and what is not.
I know that as a teenager you focus a lot on emotions, I know I did it myself. But if you really had several relationships in this short time that is a sign that you are not doing too well. And if you call short flings relationships that is a sign you do not know what forms an actual relationship.
Have you had sex with these other boyfriends? Did you actually want to?
I will tell you this so you can see it clearly. What is important in your life, right now, is not your ex boyfriend. He had an impact on your life, and you will carry that memory with you forever. But he is not important now. He is in the past. You however still need to carry on. But NOT throw yourself into more relationships, or shallow affairs. Wait for the one who is right for you. Wait, not for the ex who is in jail, but for a man who is right for you, whoever that man may be. And for now, what is important is YOU, your future, your education, work, dedications. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you hope to be in the future? And how can you get there? Don't trap yourself with thoughts of men, shallow relationships, or dedicate all your time and emotion to guilt over an ex. Focus on what actually matters, and that is you and your future.
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A
female
reader, broken mirror +, writes (25 April 2011):
broken mirror is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand that yes he should've known better. More than anything I think I feel guilty for not waiting for him to get out of prison. I've been trying to move on, I'm not completely head over heals for him like I used to be. The guilt has been eating at me. I know I've changed, one thing I don't know how I'm going to face is when he gets out and finds contact with me. I don't know how emotionally stable he will be, before prison he already had a lot of issues.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (25 April 2011):
No you shouldn't. I'm not going to pass judgement here on what happened. Maybe a lot of things should have happened. And yes I accept the point that he should have waited until you were 18, but a lot of things that shouldnt happen do and it is what it is. Because of the relationship you had he will always be a little special, he was your first, and I think what your hanging onto is your guilt - you blame yourself for his predicament which is understandable but misguided. You both consented and he knew the risks. Feelings and life take all kind of twists and turns and its wrong to second guess yourself. What was true can be a lie the next day, not because you lied on purpose but the next day something changes and it changes the truth. You can only lie about the present ie, as in I did go there when you didnt, you cant lie about the future because generally speaking its hard to tell what that is going to be. Sooooo the real problem here is your guilt and your projecting the guilt you feel about about him being in prison onto this issue. I do agree you do need to move on; I think the time has passed on this one, to do that its not love you need to worry about but the guilt which keeps you tied to him. Come to terms with your guilt, accept it wasnt your fault and move on a better person for it. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Well, i'm sorry things didn't work out how you planned. What ever is meant to be, is meant to be. If ever i feel bad about certain things in my life, i remind myself that their is no point thinking what if, because, if what if would have been then their would be no point thinking about what if anyway. So, try not to feel to bad, because sometimes, life has other plans for us, which will work out better for us even if we can't see it at the time. So don't feel guilty for not waiting and moving on with your life. You're just doing what anyone would do. It sounds like you found true love, so that's why you are having trouble to get over him because it's rare to find. I read that if you are lucky you will find true love once or twice in a life time so understandably, the other relationships would seem insignificant in comparison to the person you truly loved. You will get over him, were you won't be thinking of him all the time and your feelings won't feel so intense about him but you will NEVER forget about him. How could you when someone has had such a big impact on your life. People come into your life for a reason, to teach us life lessons and things about ourselves so we can grow as individuals. That's what i believe, so when they have served their purpose, they will no longer be needed in are lifes anymore.You are only young and have your whole life ahead of you, so you have plenty of time to meet Mr right, that is meant to be the one for you
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 April 2011):
 You aren't the same person you were.
You were 14 when you met the 20 year old.
You were 15 and having sex with him when he was 21.
Depending on the state you live in, the penalties of statutory rape are stiffer than other states.
But these laws are there to protect you. When you met this guy, you were a kid. He was an adult. Minors are not legally able to consent to sex.
You made no mistake. He should have steered clear of having any kind of sexual contact with you. You were too young for sex at 14-15, and most definitely too young for sex with a 21 year old.
For now, you have to let him go. He is rightfully in prison for what he did, and you need to experience life as a teenager. You didn't put him there. He took advantage of you because you were a child. That is why you're not the same person now.
When he is out of prison, and you are 18 years old, then you can make the choice as an adult with an adult. Maybe you should speak to your school counselor and talk about how you're feeling. Sex as a young minor with an adult is harmful to you. He may have felt like your "best friend", but if he truly was your friend, he wouldn't have taken your virginity from you within a year. He would have asked out someone his own age. He would have waited until you were 18 and were on equal footing with him.
For now, don't feel guilty. His choice to have sex with a 15 year old put him in prison, not you.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 April 2011):
Waiting for someone is a choice you make. Do you feel guilty for not waiting, or is it that you feel guilty for where he ended up because of your relationship? Either way you need to forgive yourself and move in the direction your heart guides you. It's okay to move on, if that's where you're being led. It's also okay to wait, if you're being led in that direction. That is up to you. It's also okay to keep on loving someone who has had a major impact in your life, as it seems he has. You need to take some time, sit down alone and dig deep into your heart. When your mind complicates things, listen to your heart because it always speaks truth.
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