A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm 22 and recently I've started talking to this girl who is 18. When it comes to a personality she's everything I could possibly ask for. But as far as looks she has a really cute face but she's pretty overweight. It sounds pathetic on my part but I care a lot about my health and workout everyday. I mean it's easy to comment on this and say I'm a jerk and it's not about looks but honestly it is a big part of a relationship, if I'm not fully attracted to her how far could we possibly go?... so do I say something before it gets too serious? Or should I enjoy her amazing personality and maybe she'll want to look better for me? Honestly I need a womans point of view on the subject, I've never been in this position before. Thanks for all the future help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): Yes, weight is a sensitive subject. No one, not even a man, wants to hear they are too overweight to be attractive to some people, or that they "aren't good enough". However, you don't need to tell her this. Act like her friend, just don't do anything to lead her to believe you want to date her. Because as of right now, you aren't attracted to her so it wouldn't be fair to start a relationship. If she is EVERYTHING you are looking for in terms of personality, then I don't see the harm in being friends as long as you're upfront that's all you want from her, AND she accepts it. You can continue to hope she will lose the weight, and I like the suggestion from the male anon who said you could tell her you need a workout buddy. This is a good way to find out where she stands with her weight, meaning if she even wants to lose any. If she doesn't, that means you will only ever be friends.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 Why don't you help her. You are friends just ask her to join you at the gym. If you don't get the GF you get a gym buddy. I am not sensitive to what you said as Men and woman have a preference for a certain look/body and that's their opinion and choice. But don't tell her to shed some weight as that can be very cruel.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): Haha. Be careful when you ask for a woman's point of view...lol. you usually get a very DETAILED description of their point of view!
Remember, women aren't as invested in physical appearance as we men are. It's more emotional for them. Weight is a huge issue for people, especially women. I get where you are coming from. But it's a touchy issue.
I would recommend becoming good friends with this girl. Either you see her true potential in personality and it makes you not care so much about her physical appearance; or you realize you can't get passed it and move on.
Once you are good friends you could always invite her to workout with you. You Would Be Walking On thin ice though so be careful. It would have to be casual, "let's go for a long walk..." "I'm training for whatever, I could use a workout buddy..."
If she's receptive, then awesome. If she says hell no; then at least you know. Sometimes, people need a little push to get things moving. Just know that if it goes horribly wrong you may end up losing even her friendship...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): I don't think this is a subject you can raise without causing offense and it would be best if you just stay as friends. I am not attracted to overweight people and even with an attractive face I would not be able to look beyond the weight issue. I take particular care of my face and body and being seen as going out with an overweight person would not be the image I would want to portray to others. This is very shallow but it is how I feel, I don't think this is an issue which can be raised in a way which is not going to upset her so best to not lead her on and just be friendly but nothing more.
My friend has a good female friend who is a larger lady and she is very keen to have a relationship with him but he is just not attracted to her. He is unable to tell her why because he knows she would be terribly upset and so they just bob along as mates but with her always hoping for more. This has been going on for years and she is probably his closest friend and he shares everything with her but there is no romantic involvement even though they are closer than most husbands and wives. I would keep this lady as a very close friend.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 ... Rude ? :) A bit of pot calling kettle black, OP ?...
I think you are in good faith, though, I think you just don't realize how rude and presumptous comes off asking a person to change physical traits ... in view of you maybe , possibly, considering them as a romantic partner at some point in future , should you feel good and ready.
This would perhaps be justified if you had to offer, I don't know , a small reign ?, if you were prince Albert of Monaco selecting his future bride to enjoy Montecarlo together.... but for a normal, although , I do not doubt, fit and very attractive guy, trust me OP, it's quite a bit too much , and most women , slim and fat alike, would feel it's in extremely bad taste .
As for weight being a sensitive issue, duh, OP, it is. Particularly for young people. Same as acne, thick glasses, crooked teeth.... or man boobs or small dicks.
Would not this suggest that if you want to GET the girl, or the guy, you've got to thread very lightly and handle the matter with utter finesse , rather than coming down like a ton of bricks over their real or perceived physical flaws ?...
Anyway OP, everybody have got their dealbreakers in looks, extra weight is yours, it's a very common one and , regardless, you are entitled to have all the dealbreakers you want , it's not bad or wrong. It's just that if you say " I'd like X, if it wasn't for such and such deal breaker--- " then you do not REALLY like the person, as she/ he is , here and now, at most you like their imaginary, idealized version , not the real thing. Never a good place to start a r/ship from...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you devont and person12345 for actually answering the question without the rude opinions to go along with it. And you know... I never said she was gross 400pound McDonald's poster child... apparently anything with weight is a sensitive subject. I'm going to just see how things go, like a normal person.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I think you should just say you're interested in being friends. If you're not attracted to her, then there's no point in continuing. If you enjoy her personality you can always just be friends.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I am not the female responder you asked for but I'd like to "eiegh-in" if it's alright. A great personality and a face of an angel is all any man truley needs to complete his life. Unless she is morbidly obese you might consider just staying quiet and be happy with your blessings.a woman's body is beautiful at any wieght except skin and bone. in my opinion.
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A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 Whatever you do, DEFINITELY don't tell her. You are completely right, being attracted to each other is a big part of a relationship. If you don't find her attractive at her current weight, that is FINE. Stop seeing her and move on. But DON'T ask her to change. It is not up to you, it is up to her if she wants to lose weight. She already KNOWS she is overweight and having someone she is seeing tell her that makes her unattractive would be a very, very hard blow to deal with and will severely damage her confidence. I really don't think you should do it. You're not asking her to do something small to change her appearance, she will have to put time and effort into losing weight. It is not an overnight thing, as of course you know. It would be unreasonable for you to ask... Which I think you know already. There's lots of other girls who you will be attracted to, and lots of other guys who will be attracted to her. So you weren't into her, fine. Mark it up to experience and move on before it gets too serious and you really hurt her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 June 2014):
I don't think it would work, OP, I think it would come off as arrogant, rude and incredibly clueless. You are not even together, and you want to give her a body make over as a pre -requisite for dating you ? Seriously ? ...
I think that if you told her " You know, Sarah, I love your personality, but for being attracted physically to you and date you, I need you to lose 30 pounds "- she probably would answer : " Oh don't worry, I am going to ditch more than 30 pounds, I am going to ditch the whole 180 pounds of you ".
You just don't LIKE her, dude, let her be. Loving her personality is great if you are looking for a new platonic friend, if you are looking for a GF, she needs to be someone who appeals to you both for personality AND for looks ( at least at a reasonable level, i.e. her looks must not be a dealbreaker for you and must not be something that you would have to CHANGE to be able to be with her ).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 June 2014):
 No, you BARELY know her and you want her to change for YOU. Not just a little thing, but her BODY.
I would end it and NOT mention her weight.
Don't be a shallow Hal. I could see if you had dated for a couple of years and she had gained weight but you want her to LOSE weight so YOU can be MORE attracted to her.
Seriously?
What's next? She should grow 2 inches or wear 5 inch heals so she is the RIGHT height for you?
Looking BETTER for you, might mean (for her) dressing nicely, wearing make up - it doesn't include losing x amount pf lbs.
I think it's rude and insensitive of you to even consider it.
Sorry...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2014): I think that if you find her less than attractive because of her weight, it's OK to just be friends. Don't have a relationship with her, it's not fair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh sorry maybe I was misunderstood, we're not dating yet, we're just talking. I haven't led her on,I've already told her it would be awhile before I would be ready to date
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A
female
reader, BlondeBabe x +, writes (10 June 2014):
 The issue I have with this is that if you were to tell her this then you would be saying that she isn't good enough. When you are in a relationship you fully accept that person, flaws and all. If she has this amazing personality then you should realise that you are lucky to have her. You have to realise that it isn't her that has an issue it is you.Don't become blinded and lose a fantastic girl, because you cannot expect someone to change for you. If you can't accept her for who she is then really you don't deserve her, and maybe ending the relationship would stop her being hurt in the long run.
Have a good think about what your priorities in a relationship really are.
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