A
female
age
30-35,
*onfusedlover10
writes:my ex broke up with me on thursday and at first i was okay with it. we had been trying and trying and it wasn't working but I still found love. I love him so so much its crazy. I can barely cope with this break up and need help. He broke up with me on thursday but text me for three days straight post break up. saying things like, you have a cute smile, it lights up the room, your cute, i miss you, and even sent me a pic of him while he was at work! we basically agreed to be friends on the day that he broke up with me, without actually saying it. He even told me that I could come visit. I dont know what to do with myself at this moment. Ive read up on these feelings and ive read to not contact him unless he contacts me first and so on. The convos that we've had were all initiated by him. He would ask me how my day was, what i had planned, how i was doing...all of these things, i mean, full blown conversations. I have so many feelings for this guy and I want to explain to him exactly how I feel. In the past he'd try to leave and come right back within hours. now that we live 30mins away from each other(we were in college before the breakup) its easier for him to break up with me. Before I would cry to him, show up at his room upstairs, talk him into staying and now that Im not doing that, im being forced to hold in my emotions and they are burning a hole in me with every day that passes. I miss him something awful and I want to explain all of these feelings to him but Im not sure if this would be okay since we are just friends right now. Its not like being friends is impossible, but i'd rather have him in my life than not at all...even if I love him. I want to tell him all of this so that I can have this weight lifted. what should i do?
View related questions:
at work, broke up, depressed, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): If he has broken up with you, you'd feel a lot better if he left you alone to detach, and begin your healing process.
Depression is the first feeling that hits you when you breakup. It has barely been a week, and it may take a little longer to realize the full extent of your emotions. You should see a doctor; if you feel overwhelmed.
Losing sleep, and your appetite has been seriously effected.
However; profound sadness is normal. Only if you feel totally emotionally-incapacitated should you be alarmed.
Feeling sad and hurt is natural and expected; once you get over the initial shock of it all. The first few days you are in a fog, and you may even feel you can handle it.
Then it hits you.
He probably thinks he's nursing you through the breakup. All he's really doing is pouring salt on an open wound. Your wounded heart. He is also trying to keep you in emotional limbo; while he heals himself and handles his guilt. This isn't fair. Nor is it helping you in the slightest.
You're hoping to get back together. You have to prepare yourself; because this time it is not likely to happen. Offering to be friends gives him an easier exit out of the relationship; however, it keeps you holding on to false-hope that he will change his mind, and things will go back to where they were.
You first have to understand that at some point he will want to start dating other women. How will that affect your so-called post-breakup friendship?
You must also consider if he is remaining friends to keep sex available as an open option; during his dry spells in the dating scene. He initiated the breakup. That means he planned the breakup sometime in advance; so he had a head-start adjusting his emotions and preparing himself to detach from you. Now you're using him as a crutch. Giving him yet more power over your feelings and emotions. You don't give that kind of power to an "ex."
Now he has taken it upon himself to orchestrate how things go from here. He gets to control your feelings with his smartphone. That will only delay your recovery, slow your healing process, and keep you hurting for a very long time.
Yes, I wanted to talk to my ex and explain my sorrows, I hoped to put my pain in words to be understood. Then I decided, why bother? He decided to breakup. Not me.
The time to become friends, is once you are completely over him; and can accept that he is now your ex-boyfriend. That can only happen once your subconscious can accept that your relationship is completely over. That is a long way off.
Sometimes getting through the first few weeks of a breakup are tough for a guy; because he may not openly display his true emotions. It can even be tougher; because he will fight his sadness and pretend he can recover in a matter of days. He has all this freedom in-front of him, but sometimes it's a lot tougher getting through it than he thought. He needs you to fall back on to keep his ego in-tact.
He also doesn't want you emotionally available to any other men. You will notice he will be ready to start dating a lot sooner than you. That is because the dumper usually decided they wanted out of the relationship months before they may finally execute the final deed.
Sorry, but you read the wrong thing; if it told you to respond if he calls first. Either that, or you interpreted it as you wanted it to be. That is not how you will get over this breakup. "No contact" means cutting off all ties, and there is no communication of any kind. No texting, no pics, no voice-mails, Instagrams, e-mails, love-notes, or messages through mutual friends. Sounds impossible?
You have refused to do it, that's why you're so miserable.
Your mind needs a rest. It is struggling to hold on to the old relationship. He told you it is over. So let it be over.
How are you going to move on, if you're getting more attention after your breakup; than you were getting when he was your boyfriend? Doesn't that seem strange to you?
You can contact the crisis centers as suggested; but breakups happen everyday.
You're not suicidal. You're shocked and confused. Heartbroken. You have to reach inside and also depend on your own inner-strength. Reach out for every available source of comfort. To include friends, counseling; but especially your family. Talk to your parents; this is what they are there for. As a source of support, strength, and heartfelt advice.
Your mother's arms and hugs will give you comfort you will find no place else on this earth.
You broke up with your boyfriend, and even teenagers go through these emotions, and get through it just fine. So will you. Most of what you hear will be repetitive. You will be told time will heal you. You hurt now, and you want immediate relief. That's what friends and family are for.
Getting over a breakup is a process. Even the brain has to go through a chemical process in order to detach your feelings. So no matter what you're told, it will take time. But it cannot happen if you're letting him occupy all the time being cute; when you need to heal and get through your grief. He has to leave you alone. That means, end all contact. Keep taking calls, and you'll feel worse and worse every-time. You don't have to listen to this advice; you'll find out anyway. That's what it takes for the mind to teach the stubborn heart.
In order to move forward; you have to allow yourself to grieve and detach. Go through a range of emotions that will take you up and down, in and out. You will obsess on his memory day and night. Lose sleep, and eat tons of chocolate. You will hate your friends, hate him, hate yourself. Blame yourself. Been there and done that.
Holding on to him and letting him occupy all of your time after he has broken-up with you is illogical. Counter-productive. Nonsense.
That is why you feel so confused and over-whelmed by your emotions.
Your mind is trying to figure out why he broke-up, yet continues to send pictures and act as if nothing has happened. He may only be seeking permission to see other women; while claiming he maintains a strong connection through friendship with you.
I assure you, his motives are purely selfish. He does not have your best interest at heart. Talking to him may get his sympathy; but it will not change his mind. You may have to experience this frustration first-hand a few times, before you finally accept it. My words are just words at this point. It takes going through the experience to know their meaning.
You have to take care of yourself and pull away; so you can sort out your own feelings, and make some decisions relative to how you feel about the breakup.
Not spend all your time letting him baby you and keep your feelings in chaos. Making you believe he still loves you; yet he has broken-up with you. Waiting by the phone to hear from him; when he has the spare time to console you. That is stealing away your strength, and it is totally cruel to your feelings. It is highly manipulative. You'll agonize when the phone is silent; or the text messages are from someone else, not him.
Turn to crisis hotlines if you feel your emotions out of hand and you're overcome with desperation.
I am taking time to write this; because I know this experience first-hand, and you came to us for comfort and a sensitive response to your pain.
I got dumped too. I felt deeply also; but I had to learn a lot. I am here to let you know you will be fine. You will get through this. Not by letting him call you, play with your feelings, and act like it's all okay.
It is not okay.
You have to get on with your life, proceed with your healing, and move forward. The grief is like someone died. The death was your relationship. Not you. You are full of life and youth. This may happen again someday; it may hurt just as much. You will still survive it. You are being prepared for someone better than your ex. You need this experience to make you stronger. To teach you how to survive; so you will be able to help others through it.
A friend, a sister, brother, maybe your own child someday.
You can get through this. You won't or can't believe me now. April of last year, I was feeling exactly as you are now. I'm here to let you know this is how it feels at the beginning; but you must be strong and decide you want to heal. Fight with all you've got. Reclaim your power, take it back. Don't leave it in his hands to comeback, and hit you with kryptonite the minute you feel yourself getting stronger.
Convince yourself that you are strong enough to let him go; like he let go of you. These are only words now, but it will be the truth down the road.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 June 2014):
 He knows you are hurting and he is trying to let you down gently.
He did break up with you. Yet he is still concerned about you. Do not imagine that means he wants to get back with you.
He owes you nothing but is still trying to soften the blow. He knows you so well that he knows that you are hurting.
Trying to talk to him will only make the pain of parting all over again open those fresh wounds.
Please seek some external help from an impartial person.
You will get over this breakup.
Time will help to heal you.
In the mean time do visit your Doctor and let him know that you are depressed.
Try to do one nice thing for you every day. Something positive that gives you joy.
Try to believe in you. You are not more because you have a partner if that partner does not want to be with you.
You are not less if you do not have a partner. Now is your time to grow and learn to value you more. And develop more belief in your ability to get through this breakup.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/self-confidence---an-easy-step-by.html
And perhaps reading the following article could help you to see that there are still some good options available to you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
The following is a good help line that offers a person you can talk to - to get help and support for you:
USA talk line:
1-800-273-8255 – talk - you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
...............................
|
