A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with this sweat lovely lady almost three months long. We get along great and have fun, but recently I've become unsettled, and interested in a few people around me. I am 27 years old (she is 25 yrs old) and lives in a big city, which I’m still young and I don’t know should keep looking and/or dating around because I don’t want to be trap or settle down yet. I think I do love her (she does love me), but something in me says that I should have dated around. I now feel in too deep, which it almost like I missed out on something else. I am feeling like I need to make a decision on whether to continue to invest time and energy or to set my sights on something (someone else). I don’t know this will help me refine those feelings. I'm now getting to the stage where I'm becoming worried about what I SHOULD do, ie do I stay with her and put my interest in others down to the grass being greener on the other side, or should I make a break? Here's the pro/con list:PRO: • Kindest, most gentle, thoughtful, supportive loving man I have ever met or been in a relationship with• Shares my religious convictions and faith and actively practices with me• Supports everything I do, is interested and active in my hobbies• Trustworthy• From a good family whom I like and enjoy spending time with• Treats me like a human• Kind to others, gets along with my family and friends very well• Very attractive• Fun most of the time although a little quieter than I am so sometimes I feel she is holding something back• Smart• Never been married• Has no children• She loves children and animals• Don’t argued as much• Willing try some of new things• Fit nicely when laying together• Independent• Practices good hygiene• Partakes in some of my interests• Good listener• She makes me feel comforted and tells me I'm great!• She loves me!• She gives me little surprise presents which made me excited• Has a good sex drive• Has a jobCON:• She is not as active as I am• She is not an outdoor person• Does not do all same sports or outdoor activities together like as group exercise, broomball, rock climbing, snowboarding, etc• Sleep in a lot on Saturday mornings rather than to do a group exercise together• She is over weight (I’m more as an athletic shape and very active)• Has less drive and motivation than I do which can come off as laziness or complacency although I know she does work hard and take pride in doing a good job at her job• Some health issues – affect with back problems, outdoor, allergies, etc.• Hates hot or cold weather• Bad habit to finish the drinks or pick up the trash• Tough to wake up- she presses the sleep mode button too many of times (up to 30 minutes long)• She is very tall (6ft tall, I’m 6’2”)• Has a major credit card debt
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a break, debt, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): Wow, you're horrible. I can't understand how you can love this woman but hate her for such small things. I mean really 'Tough to wake up'?
However, putting my own thoughts aside - if you're already having doubts and thoughts such as these, you're not ready for a relationship. It's sad to say but rather than string her along, explain your thoughts and cut ties.
Number one on your list though, talk to her!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself one way or the other.
When a man loves a women he'll do anything to be with her. The pro's and con's list means shit if you can't answer the following 2 questions.
1. Do I really fancy her? (As in am I in love/can I see myself falling in love)
2. Does she make me happy? (Happier than anyone else has ever made me.)
Think about that and I'm sure you'll know what to do.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 September 2010):
 I see that you must be practicing a religion which believes in sowing your wild oats :). Which one is it ?
As for your list, oh my aren't we picky.
The only "con " in your list that is an actual red flag is that she is in debt. For the rest, I'd chalk it up to individual tastes and preferences, which in a relationship are not only normal but often positive. Unless you are looking for your clone , or a female version of yourself.
So what if she does not play broomball ( whatever that may be ). Maybe instead she plays piano, or knits, or reads Jane Austen , or speaks Mandarin Chinese. Do you do exactly anything she does? What if she sleeps late on Saturdays - you can go play extreme sports while she is napping and when you come back wake her up with a kiss and have a sexy shower together.
I think that the problem is that you don't love her enough to choose her. Or maybe you love her because she is a great person and makes you feel special, but you are not in love with her. When you are in love, list making is a pointless,in fact impossible activity because all the cons get wiped out by this only one big pro : she is she.
No blame on you,of course, if you are not at this stage yet, or feel you won't reach it with her. But be clear and honest with yourself about your real wants and needs before wasting your time ,and hers, in something that has no potential.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): You think there is something else out there "better" for you, thus you don't want to settle with her. I agree with poster "marriedlady"....you should tell your girlfriend how you feel and the both of you should come to some sort of decs. Don't blame her or make her feel as though it's her fault in some way b/c obviously the pros out weight the cons. YOU are the issue, not your girlfriend....don't hide the fact that you want to date others and see what else is out there from her...just be honest if you don't do anything else.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 September 2010):
 It's funny, you knew you are young and aren't ready to settle down while you have been doing all the things that a committed guy is doing: such as meeting family members, laying next to each other, doing so many things together and talking about finances. She never told you you would be paying some of her debt didn't she? You are the more active one, the leader in the relationship so I would assume you initiated all these activities.
This post makes me think of a great article posted earlier.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-hes-just-too-into-you-and-other.html
She's not going to be convinced of your reason. If you decide you want a break, make sure it's a clean one.
When you explore, you would be compiling another pro and con list just like this, even with a dream woman who makes your knees go weak, your heart skip a beat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): Forget the list, you arent ready to settle down. it scares you and although there are points you like, you arent really ready. Until you are, you will only cause her heartbreak. End the relationship. Watch the movie "The Bachelour." :) mal
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 September 2010):
Hi there. You do have a fair bit in common.
The fact you are having some doubts, means that some of her "cons" are a bit of a bother to you.
The things you are happy with, that's fine.
When it comes down to the "cons" list, go through that list very carefully and just see which ones stand out from the rest, that you really don't think you want to go on tolerating.
In doing this, write them all down briefly on a piece of paper and write some comments beside each one.
Then start thinking about the major ones. As you are reminded of these things during each day, have a think about how intolerable they really are and could you live with them for any length of time. Because to enter a marriage, it would come down to that.
If you aren't sure whether to keep seeing her or not, maybe you could have a break. Sometimes it is during one of these breaks that you can have a light bulb moment, where you suddenly see everything very clearly.
Doubts are always trying to tell us something about our lives. So listen to your doubts and go with what your intuition is telling you.
There is plenty of time to start think about getting married and settling down. Don't feel that you have to do it all now.
Besides, you pretty much know when someone is right for you. That clue is, you no longer want to go looking for someone else. You will feel a peace and tranquility and everything in your life just clicks into place perfectly. There are no gaps that need filling. You will know when that time is. For the moment even as nice as this lady is, she's almost but not quite. Close but no cigar.
Have a really good think about it and just be honest with her. Don't say you want to look for someone else. Just say you are not ready to settle down yet, there's a few more things you want to do with your life first.
And whatever you do say, be respectful and kind.
And please, if you do decide to part ways, don't try and hurry into getting into another relationship too soon. Take your time and just be friends first, and over time see where it takes you.
Hope this helps. Take care and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Rav attack  +, writes (7 September 2010):
 your lookingt at her like a piece of meat. maybe you should take a break for like a month from each other and see other people. if you like dating other people then tell her and say youd still like to be friends. or maybe youll realize how much you want to be with her. and not thinking about screwing other women and actually consider doing it. but first you should talk to her about it.
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