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male
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anonymous
writes:I have been married for 10 years and we have one 9 year old child. My wife is 8 years my junior, she is 42. I first suspected my wife cheating over a year ago based on the usual e.g., not answering the phone when I am around and sleeping with the phone in her underwear etc; and 6 months ago I obtained evidence by a large cell telephone bill (nearly 700 dollars previously was less than 80 dollars) which clearly indicated that she was texting and talking more with someone. I confronted her but she denied telling me the large bill was due to oversight while talking with her friend whose name she put on the number. I have since found that she was cheating with a 40 year old guy.. She denied everything until I proved to her and I spoke with the guy who admitted. She says that she is sorry and that she made a mistake. I cannot believe she made a mistake because everytime she spoke with him or texted him she knew she was cheating. I love my son and would not whish him raised in a family environment where both parents are not close. Yet I am so devastated I can not work without thinking that she is either continuing with this guy or she will do this again and besides she tells me I did not do anything wrong to make her start an affair. She tells me the affair started because the guy persisted on calling her and giving positive compliments about the way she looks. Can you please give me your advice, should I leave her and try a new relationship or do you think it is worth trying to move forward with her? Guilford-Bloke
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): The deceitfulness is dishonest. Talk to her lover and her with a neutral person. Tell the lover that this is your wife and he better bow out. Is she ugly is that why you don't compliment her? Are you bored with the marriage. No more spark or was there ever any spark. That son didn't get artificially inseminated did he? If you truly love this woman you can forgive her but she needs to earn back your trust. That big phone bill should be paid by this so-called friend or at least part of it. Put the cell phone away and write love letters to one another. Or is she just not worth it? She cheats behind your back and then lies when you confront her. She obviously does not love you. Ask her if she wants out so she can go be with her lover and not have to lie. Do you make a lot of money is that why she lies to you? She wants to have your money but not give you any love? That is plainly selfish and she is stealing from you too. Love, honor and obey...Cheating is not loving honoring or obeying. The marriage contract is broken. It can only be fixed if you renew your vows. If she wants a man on the side then it should be stated in the vows...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Thanks for the advice. This has been my first time to seek this advice and this website is worth it. Many thanks to you all please continue to help us.Guilford-Bloke
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 January 2010):
Bottom line is she cheated and lied over a year, and even denied it over and over again until you proved it to her. This isn't like giving her another chance. You gave her several chances to come clean and she didn't. And her excuse? He was persistent and she liked the attention? There is so much more to this. That's why I agree that the counselling would help. You're angry and hurt, and I understand that. But the counselling will at least get everything out in the open again. And for the sake of your son, it's worth just trying to see if it can be salvaged. However, if she cheats, lies or anything like that again, leave her. But make no decision at this moment until you have been to a counsellor and you have heard all there is to say.
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female
reader, applebite8821 +, writes (11 January 2010):
 It is heart breaking for me to read your post. I feel for you.
After being in a relationship that ended because of cheating, I have to say through my own experience, it is easy to forgive but it is really hard to forget. I bet there are days you'll just go crazy wondering how they spent their time together, every second of it. How come, while she goes home to you, there is someone else in her mind. And this happened for a long 1 year. The question of why she had taken the risks to cheat even when it means ending your life as husband and wife, breaking up your family, facing embarrassment with all the people who knew you.
I suggest, before considering anything, you should think about yourself first. Well, let's just say you can forgive her..but can you promise yourself you can forget? Do you think you can live a normal life again after this happened? Do you think you can give her your trust back? Do you think you will be happy after this?
The bottom line is, it is you who will suffer if you don't consider these things. And at the end, you may just realize that your life was a hell and if you have left earlier, things would have been different for you.
Truly, it is very difficult to make a decision..no one from this site can totally be right. It is your evaluation of yourself where you can find the answer. If you think you can make it or not make it, then from this you know the answer to your question.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Well Guilford, first I appreciate that you are hurt and have been hit with a low blow and no you have a decision to make.
Women and men who cheat do not do it because it is their spouse's fault. There is something lacking in them and sometimes problems in the relationship can be a catalyst for them looking elsewhere for attention. And that is the reason your wife gave you, what it boils down to is she wanted the attention and to feel sexually desired by another man....pretty crummy, pretty shallow.
No one can make this decision for you. But I will tell you this, I think you both owe it to your child to try and work on the relationship and the cheating issue before you decide to throw in the towel.
I would first get into counseling, you can go first on your own and then ask your wife to join you. She has betrayed your trust and broken the vows of your marriage. You have a lot to forgive her for and she is going to have to do a lot of hard work to earn back your trust. She will have to be 100% an open book, no phones, phone numbers, email accounts, social website accounts that you do not have the passwords to....and on emails the headers must be turned on so that you can see where the email originated.
She will have to be willing to do that and deal with your hurt feelings and mistrust for as long as it takes until you can heal and heal your relationship.
If she has a history of cheating in the past, I would say it is a lost cause. If this is her first affair, then it might be worth it to work on the relationship. There may be some things you need to work on as well to make the relationship better for her and to be sure that you are taking care of her needs too. You have to own any part you may have had in pushing her away if that was going on.
If after you have done the work and it still hasn't changed anything, then I think you can safely say you have done everything you can and you have earned your way out of the marriage.
Since a kid is involved, I think you owe him that much.
Just my opinion.
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female
reader, MzRevolutionary +, writes (11 January 2010):
 Do not leave! Ok now that I've said that let me explain. Marriage is for better or worse. You obviously love your wife very much to be searching for answers to such a difficult problem, but there is no simple answer to this. If she had a flirting problem, that would be one thing, but she has completely devestated your trust and ya'lls marriage with this ongoing relationship. My best advice would be this, talk to her and ask her if she still wants to be in the relationship. People change so much over the years and a marriage will only work if the people work to change together. That is the commitment that you make when you marry somebody. I don't know how long ya'll have been together, but undoubtedly you realize that 5 years ago you were not the same person that you are today. No matter how much you are with someone you change independently because your life is still your own. It takes active work to grow and develop as a couple. Just as you have changed over the years, so has your wife.
I am SO not saying she was right in ANY way, but her wanting to deny it so much might have just been her wanting to protect her love that she has with you and the family that you all have built. Her reason also seems to give you some insight. Even if you didn't realize that you all had gotten into a rut, she felt that way. Women, (not all, but many) need to know that their husband, boyfriend, partner, still finds them attractive and will pursue them. Do you all still sit and talk about silly meaningless things, or is the majority of the communication about the function of the house, children, work, bills, stress, upcoming events, etc...? I don't know about you, but all of that doens't get me very aroused, but a man pursuing me like he can't get enough surely does. Your wife probably was seeking the affection that she was craving and wasn't getting from you. BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please understand that. Your wife could have sat down and talked to you and explained this to you, and worked on ways to resolve it, but instead she got caught up in an affair. I truly think that after talking to her one on one (CALMLY), and if you both still love each other and can see a possible future (obviously the trust is gone right now) go to marital counseling. We spend so much time in school learning about math, science, history, and whatever else that will help us earn more money, but we rarely take the time to put forth an effort to learn about love and the relationships that we develop with people. Your relationship is still a relationship and your marriage is still in tact, just extremely damaged. If you both are willing to do the work seek professional help from a therapist or clergy member. Good luck to you, for better through the worse.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 If compliments are her thing - then try complimenting her more. Not a be all to end all solution, but certainly it has to be a start to address whatever it was she was looking for/went in for, that must have been lacking in your relationship with her to pique her interest.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): You'll get many advices here that of-course u should leave your wife, as people that come here don't like cheaters.
It's a tough one, to me personally your wife sounds a little shallow- she went to bed w/someone only because he was giving her compliments about the way she looks. You said it yourself that u think all the time if she 'll continue the affair. Sounds like she'll probably will, not this one but next one. It's really up to you if you want to deal w/it. There is a small chance that she won't cheat again, if you want to take it.
Some couples decide to have an open relationship, stay together, but full around sometimes just to play, nothing serios, and live like this for many years. This way family stays together, kids aren't suffering, but both need to be cool w/it.
Some spouses just pretend nothing happened. These affairs ussualy end pretty fast, as wild passion doesn't last that long, as we all know that. Sometimes it lasts couple months, and then it's over and there is no new affair ever happens. Some people start to really like that feeling of novelty and excitment and do it several times over the lifespan.
It's a tough desicion to break a family over the affair, especially if a child involved. I can tell you what I would probably do, i'd stay, if it happened once, but if I see that it happens over and over again, i'd probably would think about changing my living arrangments.
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male
reader, TorontoJohn  +, writes (11 January 2010):
Im very sorry to hear about your situation. After going through something like this, i would find it hard to trust that person again. If you honestly think she is sincere and can change then i'd say work on things. Otherwise, if you cant get past this (which i totally understand) then this is clearly a dealbreaker. I agree that your son's needs are very important. If you think he would be better off if you and your wife were apart then thats what you should do. You ALL have to be happy. It sounds to me like finding a new path is the way to go. All the best and good luck.
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