A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 16 years this March. During the second year of our marriage, his business tanked and he needed money fast. A friend of ours, Jeff, generously offered a full no-interest loan that allowed my husband to save his assets. What my husband doesn't know is that I negotiated that loan with Jeff and that I slept with him as part of the bargain. I felt humiliated and almost raped, but agreed because I was afraid for my husband's life (he had become very depressed at the time). Recently, Jeff's wife, Bridget, found evidence of our long-ago tryst. She has threatened to tell my husband about it, which would ruin our marriage. To buy my silence, she wants me to testify that Jeff abused her and promises to hand over the evidence to me if I do this. I have no direct knowledge of this and feel it would be unethical to perjure myself in this way. On the other hand, it was unethical to commit adultery and I did that too. If it would save my marriage again, why not? Is this blackmail? Should I go to a lawyer?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Hey, it's nearly a month since you posted that question. I wonder what your situation is like now. Whatever you chose or feared chosing to do, you're probably facing the relatively immediate consequences of your decision.I'd like to point out something far different than the other respondents. It's not against them and I think that there is some wisdom to be drawn from these posts. However, I will touch on a different area, or just the bigger picture, to be precise.If you feel that things are great, you're probably not visiting this page. If you are, read it anyway because it's not merely about that particular situation.Now I will overgeneralise a bit but in the previous answers to your question we can see a neat discussion on the rightness or wrongness of certain past actions, possible future actions and the guilt or innocence of particular people involved. I will refrain from using terms like "guilt", "someone's fault" etc. in favour of a word that I really like and that may have similar associations but a profoundly different meaning. This word is "responsibility".Responsibility isn't fair, at least not in a simplistic sense. There are various forces in the nature, pressures in social life, dozens of factors that influence our decisions. A child gets hardly any love and attention from parents and later in life struggles with bonding with people. Another person tells a secret to someone he/she trusts, and then the latter person reveals the secret. Someone blackmails someone else, they follow.The above three examples show the concept of responsibility in some of its complexity. It is the parents, the traitor and the blackmailer who seem to be most guilty but the role of the victim cannot be ignored.In these 3 simplified settings, the parents, the traitor and the blackmailer are the initiators of the evil. So we have the initiators and the victim.Do you want to be a victim? How does it feel when you don't hold the steering wheel of your life. When it seems like other people gain more and more control, you feel trapped, helpness. Your options perish one by one until you're left desperate.The things is, the concept of responsibility that I live by may not be right. It may not be accurate, may not be just. Luckily or unluckily though, no one has the right or skill to force this concept upon you. It is a matter of your decision:Do I want to be the victim?Maybe you're already putting the puzzle together. If not, then here's the relationship between "victim" self-image and responsibility.A victim's life is led by others.The only way to take charge of your own life is to take responsibility for everything that belongs to you.The above mentioned child's parents didn't belong to the child in a psychological sense, they were an external factor, so the child was not responsible for their poor parenting skills. The consequences, though, have taken place in the child's mind. Now it's the child that has social issues. It may not be guilty for that but it's his/her responsibility because s/he's the only person in the world who has the power to work on this issue.The betrayed friend was not guilty but since the world knows about whatever the disloyal "friend" unveiled, s/he has to face it. It's his/her responsibility now to accept the reality the way it is and no amount of blaming or promising to never trust anyone again will kill the pain.Similar with the blackmail. The blackmailer is responsible for the blackmail, the blackmailed is responsible for carrying out the demanded action.It may sound overly harsh but the point is to be aware of this, not to beat yourself up about anything. Admitting that you're responsible for something does not carry shame, self-blaming and humiliation. Unless you make it.The most important thing of all the above is that the one responsible for a thing is always the one who can do something about it.Why this whole big talk about responsibility? You may already know that I see it as a necessary component of getting rid of victim-thinking and feeling trapped. You probably also expect me to advise you to take responsibility.I'll be a lot more accurate if I say that:- accepting things the way the are,- taking responsibility for what's in your control (your decisions)- refusing to try to control the things that are just outside of what you can control (that being other people, among other things)...is the step number 1 to changing anything and taking any effective action in any area of life.Now a topic change. That's going to be tough but you already know that what I say is only my responsiblity, so...Someone wrote that you, Jeff and his wife were all to be blamed and your husband is the only innocent in this thing. Well, he might be innocent in this particular situation.But I know he's not very mature.How do I know that? Because he's married you.We couple with people at more or less similar levels of maturity. Other factors, like hobbies, age, looks or money show a lot more variation while this one thing is typically unmistakable.He's made mistakes, too. Don't think of him as a victim of this whole game because even if he were innocent, you may already realise that "victim" is a way of perceiving oneself. A very unuseful one.This whole post has been written with something far broader than just "responsibility" in mind. The message is: KEEP GROWING UP. Or maybe "start (again)" instead of "keep".I delibaretely didn't say "grow up" + "little girl" or anything like that.Maturation is a difficult, continuous process that is extremely rewarding long-term and that after years puts you forever high above the troubles that once terrified you. Somehow, due to very complex sociological and perhaps bio- and psychological reasons, most of us seem to miss the lessons of life, running to seek the quickest refuge from pain, and we die as 80-year-old 1/3-children, 1/3-adolescents, and 1/3-adults.If you skip that advice, nothing you ever do with your marriage will save it. It's not just my self-righteousness, however confident I feel about the things I'm writing. It's just that whenever you:- choose from the options that others gave you,- try to initiate or deepen deceit for whatever reason, good or bad,- refrain from admitting past lies (to yourself most importantly, then to others if that matters),- expect others to remove the consequences of their bad deeds when now these consequences lie in your territory and are your responsibility,- are generally motivated by a sense of need for escaping from/avoiding something, instead of pushing towards a goal...you will most likely end up incapable of dealing with the aftermath of the decision you make, even if the decision itself was right.That's why I advocate for telling the truth to those who are involved as a step 2 of renewed maturation process. Step 1 is your private commitment to develop yourself, which is NOT meant to serve as an argument in your apologies ("honey, forgive me, I've decided to change" and so forth). Your growth is for you. If your family stay with you, they'll be lucky to get some of that positive energy and power that's going to enter your life with time. If you try to grow for someone else, you won't grow, so no one will benefit in the end.It is about you. Not about the world.We're all disgusting and lost in the big scary world at the same time."Sick" and "lost" is the same thing. "Evil" and "mistake" is also one thing. We want to replenish evil and correct mistakes while (when speaking of humans) the two words actually name virtually the same thing, just with different attitudes.If you can stop trying to differentiate between the two, it's a great power.Don't hate yourself but don't make excuses. Same goes for others.With tough love-Jack
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Different view of the shenanigans:I am assuming YOU slept with this lady’s husband while they were married – meaning that you perhaps cared nothing of her marriage and betraying her marriage. Perhaps you believed rightly or wrongly that you were justified by sleeping with someone elses husband. This is not a clear cut situation. Seems like a holly hook up trading sex story. Sex in exchange for cash! what this woman is doing is wrong, but what you did was equally wrong. You talk of evidence of the tryst – what sort of evidence? How long did your sex situation last? Did it continue for a while? What was the terms of the affair? Instead of wanting to run to the law, run trying and confessing to your faithful husband instead. I think that 14 years is just too long to keep this sexual monetary transaction a secret. Three people in the wrong here. This Jeff for apparently wanting sex in exchange for cash. YOU for carrying out the sexual exchange for cash. His wife for now wanting to use this evidence against her husband. The only innocent person here is your husband. Your situation has proven that secrets have a way of coming out years after you think it is buried and forgotten. Don’t make your husband a fool any more. Whatever you believed all those years ago, sleeping with your husbands friend in exchange for cash is no excuse. To me YOU chose material things over dignity, over fidelity and over morals and monogamy. Was the love to save these material things so great that you sold your body in exchange for saving these things. A while ago a young woman wrote in saying just how bad her financial situation was and she slept with her ex boyfriend and he paid 300 (dollars/pounds ?) for this service. This woman’s new born baby was crying, money was tight and she did the wrong thing. SHE was roasted over the coals by the good aunts here because she had cheated on her husband. (wonder of the other aunts remember this story)I am wondering now why you have been condoned for your cheating/ sex in exchange for cash. To me it is the same difference w.r.t. to young mother and the 300 in exchange for sex. For apparently 14 years you lied and cheated your husband. Yes i can somewhat sympathise with you . it was easy to get the money in exchange for your body BUT look at this realistically. In this economic crunch imagine if all women sold their bodies to alleviate their outstanding debt. It is TIME. Time to come clean to your husband. He needs to know the basis in which the money was learnt. I think you are wrong when you say the money was lent as full interest free. There was a penalty and this penalty was the breaking of your marriage vows. It is said : Money is the root of all evil. But the real saying is THE LOVE OF money is the root of all evils. BTW, of course this Jeff “abused” his wife. Can you not see it: he betrayed her and this is “abuse”. However, Two wrongs do not make a right. Whatever her “evidence” i am sure if you have kids you would not want them to find out. So get talking and get talking FAST, to your husband. Trying to cover the dirt now is too late. Also don’t be fooled. This Bridget wants revenge and she would spill the beans to anyone and everyone. Don’t think if you silence her that this will be swept under the carpet again. I am curious: after the sexual deal, did you and the hubby continue to socialise with Jeff and his family. Were you at his home and friend with his wife and kids in all these years. If you were so humiliated why still continue to socialise and be “friends” with these people. Surely you should have slowly pulled away and distanced yourself from his toxic family. I do not agree with this woman’s method of revenge against her husband but i can certainly understand it. I find it strange that you “name” these friends of yours. Are their names real. If it is are you not afraid that your husband and your identity can/will be revealed. Imagine just what your husband will be going through when all your common friend and family get to know of your affair and he is none the wiser, until the penny drops. My response is not what you want to hear. But it may just give you some food for thought. Whatever you decide: trying doing the RIGHT AND LEGAL thing going forward. It may be 14 years later but it may not be too late. You had made your husband an unsuspecting cuckold, don’t continue humiliating him. The truth will have to be made known. Actions have consequences, don't be too angry that this woman wants to use your sexual encounter against your husband. Do no blame her for this situation. It was you and this Jeff. in life people grasp at anything and everything to justify their actions. You need to decide what is more wrong - you sleeping with this woman's husband or this woman wanting to use this act to her advantage. BOTH WRONG.
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A
female
reader, Petra at home  +, writes (25 January 2010):
First, what you did long ago to help your husband was a trmendous act of unselfishness. You were thinking of him and not yourself. If I was you husband, I may question whether it was the right thing to do, but I would never question the love behind it.
Second, to the current situation. Do not perjure yourself. Tell the other woman that you will not even consider giving in to her demands. Act as though you have already told your husband, walk away, say no more. She will likely not go through the bother of trying anything if she is tied up fighting with her husband. Finally, if she does try to put something forth, deny it strongly once, tell your husband to consider the source (a crazy woman in a divorce), walk away and say no more.
Again, what you did long ago may or may not have been the best decision, but it was made for good reasons. You owe no one any further explanations.
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A
female
reader, grrrrrrr  +, writes (25 January 2010):
Is it really possible that after all this time that that woman could have any evidence on you and her husband? (other than him confessing to her)Unless the guilts eating away at you I'd tell her to sod off! It's her word against yours, who would your husband believe? I'm guessing this was a one time thing you did?!Either call her bluff or tell your husband yourself, but what ever DO NOT, commit perjury. What you did was silly but for the right reason at the time, the law wont be as forgiven.....Tell this woman..NO CHANCE!
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (25 January 2010):
 You need to put an end to this right now. The best thing to do is to come clean to your husband and tell him everything. This is somthing that hapened 14 years ago. You have been torturing yourself for too long. The last thing you need to do is succum to her backmail and testify in a court of law. Right now, you have done nothing against the law (as of now). If you purjer yourself, all bets are off. See a lawyer, and come clean to hubby. Looking at the circumstances, I would forgive you.Good Luck!Jeff
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): It's not only unethical to perjure yourself but it's also illegal. If the truth comes out you could be in serious trouble. Perjury is a serious crime. Don't trust this woman. How do you know she will give you the evdience or not tell your husband. Tell him yourself and deal with the consequences. I know it's hard for you but you have to do the right thing here. Better that he hear from you than from somebody else.
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A
female
reader, MissFixIt +, writes (25 January 2010):
 Totally agree with Gina, do not allow this woman to blackmail you! Firstly I would advise you to tell your husband yourself. Explain why you did it and you can work through it together, this woman will then never have any hold over you. Obviously if you can't face this then seeing a lawyer is your next option. Either way hearing the news from you is better than hearing the news from another and in my experience secrets never remain secrets for long!
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