A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I do it? Should I cheat? In desperate need of advice. Please help.Hello aunts. I really need some good honest advice. As weird as this might sound, preferably from someone who has cheated before.Let me give you a quick background:I am currently married. I love my wife. That isn't in question. I know some people might say if I "really" loved her I wouldn't have a desire to cheat, but I think it's safe to say a high majority of men have that desire at one point in their lives. This is mine. Maybe some don't act on it, some do. Same goes for women.I will never leave my wife. So why risk it? Well, a couple of months ago. My now wife, then fiance, took a trip back to her home state to visit her parents after graduating college. I came to found out she was texting her ex boyfriend as soon as she got on the flight headed that way! (red flag?) The whole time she was there they texted/called back and forth and I found this out through our phone bill. She admitted to eating dinner with him, she hid it from me. I found out because she said she was going to dinner with a "girlfriend" but on the date/time she said that the cell phone showed a couple of calls/texts from him. Then nothing for about 1-1/2 hours. Then she called me she was going home.She swears she didn't cheat on me, but at the very least she emotionally cheated by lying to me. Her defense is they grew up together since kindergarten. Dated in college, broke up, didn't speak for a while, but decided it wasn't worth wasting a lifetime of friendship. She didn't tell me because she knew I wouldn't approve, and she's right; I wouldn't. I will never know what happened, and I've accepted that. I forgave her and she has been an amazing wife ever since. I also fixed her old computer recently. But she asked me to save her Pics folder so I did. I looked through them. Partly because I had too, the other because of curiosity. She initiated the "number" question. How many people have you slept with...when we first became serious. I told her 3. It was really 4. After I answered she told me her number was 3. But looking through her pics I saw so many different guys. On one folder, it was two guys and her. All at some run down house and it was just the 3 of them. That's it. They were obviously drunk in the pics. They were flirty looking, but no one was shirtless or anything. However there were 2 pics where they were sleeping I guess and she was in between the two guys on the floor. There was space between them, but I find it so weird that 1 girl would go out of town with 2 guys to spend the night and party, and nothing would happen.Her explanation, it was like a Mardi-Graw thing and those guys were like her brothers. They both had "girlfriends" at the time and they never made a move on her. So I asked, "why didn't their girlfriends go?" She said they were tied down with a bridal shower that night for another mutual friend.I guess I just have found so many little things like that and I'm afraid she lived a different life and lied to me about it. I was always raised the "good little boy" Never really drank or partied. And I don't want to feel like I'm getting screwed over by some girl who had her fun... I have an opportunity here to cheat. One time. And I kind of feel like it would be even. I will never leave her and this really is a one time deal. Thanks for reading this. Any advice is helpful. Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): thanks. Its nice to know I'm not the only guy out there who feels like their significant other has one up on them.
I'm still not sure if I will or won't. But, I have to understand if I do I am risking my marriage and possibly my future. On the other hand, if I don't, I risk living my life truthful, faithful, with the possibility that my wife was dishonest about her past, a "wild" card, and I got everyone's left overs. (As bad as that sounds.)
I understand that everyone says the past is the past...but if she really did do all those things, and was honest with me; I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with her because that's not what I wanted in a partner. I wanted someone like me. Who, yes, wasn't a virgin, but hadn't been in a threesome, and still held some moral upstanding. Definitely not a cheater; but more importantly, someone who is 100% honest whether or not what happens "might" hurt the other person.
Its basically saying its ok to tell a white lie, because what he doesn't know wont hurt him. That's bs. Its down right lying. And that's the thing. I would never talk to an ex girlfriend or anyone I have ever been romantically involved with behind her back. And if I did, I would tell her.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 How old are you? 8??? You want to break somebody's toy just because they broke yours???What is wrong with you?? Your wife has a past which she is entitled to...you cant change it, you cant erase it and you had a past too!! You were with 4 girls, you lied to her and said 3. But 3 or 4, it doesnt matter now, because it was in the PAST. You're happily married now, and you love your wife. If you keep doubting her, you're constantly going to be in pain. And why do you "want" to cheat?? To get "even" with her. Do you yourself see how absolutely ridiculous you sound??? Thats the first time Iv ever heard of anyone who "wants" to cheat. You regret being the "good little boy" so now you want to undo that. Great!! Ok so whats your plan of action? Go to a bar, meet someone, check into a hotel, have sex with her and leave??Done cheating?? Feel better about it now?? Chances are you would feel MUCH worse about everything. Dont ruin a perfectly good relationship for this childish attitude of yours. Dont act like a fool..You dont intend leaving your wife but you dont mind cheating on her? If she gets to know your intentions, she's the one who would walk out on you, and dont blame her for that.
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A
male
reader, J.Gentleman  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Ok, well, Im not old enough to cheat on a wife, but a girlfriend, I did, and Im not proud of it, but it was for the same reason you are trying to justify. That she could be doing things behind your back, and you have to set the balance between the two of you. Its not the way. There is already that balanced, I mean you bloody married her! there is something going on there. I dont know if she could be cheating now, but if she had done things in her past like stayed with two men, thats nothing now, unless she had children, then thats messed up, but she didnt, and she loves you. Its the bestfriend you have to look out for, not her, if her story is true, it was he who initiated the conversation, not her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): As I have never been placed in such a position to "even the score" with a guy I have dated or been in a relationship with, I think that you need not cheat...leave before you do that..well...at least that is what I would do. In addition, your wife should have never lied to you about going out of town and meeting up with an ex...she hide it from you because, she probably knew that you would not approve...why else would she hide this? Believe me, I know how it feels when someone betrays your trust...it's true what they say, it's so hard to get that innocent trust you had back once it's been broken esp. if the person isn't taking the necc. steps in proving themselves to you again...some just give up because, they feel it is too much "work" they become lazy, and they get tired of they're partner being supicious of them.
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A
male
reader, Meee666  +, writes (5 September 2010):
No, don't cheat. I won't you to slow down for a minute and think about how silly this sounds. Your wife lied to you about seeing an old friend and you feel she may have cheated on you, so you want to go and cheat on her just to get even. You havnt expressed any desire to be with another woman, so I'd would make more sense to break up with her! (but you love her and you don't know she was cheating, so don't do that)
Talk to her. Explain how important the truth is to you. If she can give real reasons for the things you are suspicious about then you have no need to doubt her. If you still do not trust her then maybe you two just aren't meant to be together.
I wish you the best :)
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Its a baffling thing when you feel the need to "even the score" because of your partners past, its an illogical emotion, but I've been there and its not a good feeling. The worst thing is that you know you can't do anything to change her past but then again you can't seem to get over it either... So in desperation you may think that you're justified in experiencing what she's already experienced and that'll magically solve all your problems.
Trust me. It doesn't. It won't make you feel better about your partner in the way that you probably hope it will. No judgement here, do it if you really want, but if you love your wife and have half a brain you'll see that this is not the solution to your problem.
Best of luck dude :)
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A
male
reader, bma.com +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Wow!!! do i feel u on this one. It's a hard call, First impression is as you say get even. No that's not getting even, That's destroying a marriage. Remember your vows? There are such things as growing up with boy/friends yes she should have told spank her butt for that one, but also if she knew how you felt about it, she should have (not minded you) but respected your wishes as your husband.As far as how many Dude get over it, Been there done that it will haunt you for life, It's not like that thing between her leg has a meter on it and clicks everytime someone breaks the sound barrier. Forget it , Leave it alone, Laying down with 2 guys it happens, Crash here if your to drunk to drive kinda thing. May have saved her life,You are messing up if you sleep with another woman, I think the Bible calls it Adultry, And Adulters get a free trip to hell. So think about it, Love your wife, Make passionate love to her . It'll drive u crazy if you let it. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (5 September 2010):
This is not the right reason to cheat (not that there really is any right reason in the first place). You want to cheat so you can possibly feel even with her, on the off chance that she has lied to you and done something, either while you were with her, or in the past. I don't think it really will make you feel better, just guilty, because you will have betrayed her, when trying to make yourself feel better in case she betrayed you. You can imagine how being betrayed feels, so don't do it to her.
I know how you feel. At times, I want to cheat on my bf because 1) he's much more experienced 2) I'm more insecure and this way, if he betrays me, I will have already betrayed him and 3) he did some things in the past that made me question his faithfulness (although I don't believe he has cheated). But I haven't cheated on him, and am not planning on it, because I know I would feel bad and it would hurt him. I've cheated once, on an ex bf, early on in our relationship. It was stupid, and I called him and confessed right away. I felt horrible, and have never done it since.
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A
male
reader, thatguy88 +, writes (5 September 2010):
Man i feel you on this one. my girlfriend told me she has been with 11 guys before me. i know thats a lot. ive only been with 1 before her. so i feel like i need to get even or match her number sometimes. i haven't cheated yet, and dunno if i would. but then again i haven't been put in that situation yet. This is a really hard question but if you want to be with this person i would say dont cheat. you will feel guilty, and will most like come back to bite you in the ass
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