A
female
age
36-40,
*higirl
writes:My boyfriend and I are engaged to be married in 6 months. We have been trying for a baby for close to 2 years now. Last year, we underwent a fertility check as we didn't manage to get pregnant. Turns out he's got low sperm quality and I have endometriosis. I recently had surgery to remove the endometriosis, and the doctor said it would increase our fertility. However there's still the matter of my boyfriends sperm, so my hopes are quite low. So far nothing.Next in line is IVF treatment at the hospital. We're not getting any younger, my boyfriend will turn 40 this year (Im only 33).As we got engaged, and startet planning our wedding, I thought I would manage the possibility of a pregnancy, IVF-treatment, wedding planning and on top of it all: a new job. I thought I was super woman and could handle it all. Turns out, Im not that strong. All the failed attempts at making a baby has worn me out, and I feel quite hopeless. I dont want to give up trying, but every month we don't succeed tears away at me. And then there's the wedding dress that sort of has become the symbol of my crisis. I will not be able to wear the same dress if Im pregnant as when Im not pregnant. I already bought a beautiful (slightly expensive) dress that will only fit me if Im not pregnant, and then I have a much cheaper "back-up" for if I am pregnant. It's logical and makes sense. But in the midsts of my curren emotional state, where it feels devastating that we aren't able to make children, I've started to dread the dress choice. I WANT to look pretty in my more expensive dress. But I feel sad that it will only remind me of our failed attempts at having a child. I dont want the dress to represent that. So I have started to think that maybe it is better to delay the IVF-treatment and stop trying for a baby, just until the wedding. That way I wont get so dissapointed each and every month, and the dress wont become a symbol of the failure. I've also recently started a new job, and while this on it's own wouldn't have made me want to delay, it just becomes yet another energy draining aspect of my life. Bottom line is that I am tired, very tired. And then there's my boyfriend. He said that if I want to delay the IVF-treatment 6 months, we will, but he doesn't know how he will feel 6 months from now. My worry is that as we are approaching his 40'th birthday, he starts to feel like he's too old to keep trying. He recently began expressing concern that he feels old, and that he's not sure how long he will want to keep trying. For the here and now, he wants a child with me (and I hope for more than 1!). In the grand scheme of things, this looks like such a petty problem. All for a dress... But right here and now it feels overwhemling to me. And I can't find anyone to talk to about this. Our fertility struggles aren't something we've talked about to that many, and those who do know, they dont see the problem in just alternating between dresses depending on the condition I am in when the time comes for my wedding. I dont think they understand the emotional distress it causes to try month after month for two years, disappointment after disappointment. It's been some of the most difficult things I've experienced.
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female
reader, reniebot  +, writes (10 January 2019):
You and your partner have been trying to have a baby for two years. That tells me that you’re way past the traditional courting period. For all intents and purposes, you are united, except for legally. So, in your case, it sounds like the wedding is basically just a party, not the coming together of two lives.
Does it really matter what dress you wear? I wore my dream dress (in the smallest size the designer carried) on my wedding day. Do I care about that now? No. If anything, it annoys me that I used to be so skinny.
Becoming a mom is a life changing event, much more than getting married, if you ask me. If the experts at the fertility clinic, the people who know your diagnosis, are telling you to come in now, listen to them.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2019):
 Another thing you CAN consider is to freeze HIS sperm now. That way if the count goes lower, it's not really such a big problem.
As for the fertility clinic calling and pressuring you... Let that go, you DO not owe them squat. Take it as a enthused nurse wanting to HELP and going a bit overboard.
6 Months is not really bad at all to wait. It will give you two "just" the wedding to focus on and who knows what can happen when you RELAX about trying for a baby? If you DO end up pregnant BEFORE the wedding, it's just an added gift and guest :) And if not, then it can wait those few months.
It would be nice if you could ENJOY your wedding and THEN the process of IVF. I think getting the wedding "out of the way" so to speak will help you BOTH to relax and focus on the baby making.
I hope it ALL goes well for you two! Crossing fingers and toes!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 January 2019):
 Thank you for your update! Stress will do you no good for the wedding or conceiving (affecting both your body and his) and it's awfully stressful to keep trying with no luck, so I think it would be best to wait until after the honeymoon (if you're having one) or just after the wedding.It's overwhelming when things pile on at once, but you can temporarily relieve the added baby pressure until after the wedding :) Create a checklist:1) Wedding - __/__/192) ______________3) Start IVF - __(summer/autumn)__19I'd suggest: • Take a break, • Continue with therapy (it can be a long road, so I'm happy to see you allowing yourself time), • Enjoy the build up to your wedding, • Get married, • Start IVF - you can always let them know a month before the wedding, so you can both rest easier knowing that it's getting started :)You can keep the intimacy, if you both want to, just not with the aim (and pressure) of getting pregnant. Bring the fun back without checking to see if you've conceived or keeping track of the dates :)
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 January 2019):
chigirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Honeypie, thank you for your answer. As I already did buy a dress, suggesting that I get a cheaper one wouldn't do me any good :p But as it stands, I bought a used dress worth about 2200 USD for 430 USD. That's the skinny dress. My "preggo" dress so far is just a wide skirt and Im in the process of making a top for it. It'll be very boho, which is very cool. But the skinny dress is a princess dress, and although I didn't think that's the type of dress I'd go for, I just felt so pretty wearing it. I bought it used thinking I can sell it again for probably the same price, and then not lose all that money. Besides, it's real quality in that dress, and it shouldn't just hang in a closet never to be worn again.
Female anon, thanks for your answer, but you're idealizing things. We have looked into adoption, and while I would wish to do that, I think we have an even slimmer chance at adopting than at making a baby on our own. The rules for adopting are really strict. You have to have been married for two years minimum before you can even apply. And then the waiting process could take another two years or more. And then there's an age limit on how old the couple can be, at it's around the age of 45. So to be honest, I don't think we'd be allowed. If it was a 100% guarantee we would be able to adopt, it wouldn't stress me out so much. Much we're likely not going to be allowed because of his age. Also, I have a medical history that might prevent it too, as they are very very strict.
I am currently in councelling. But it's a long term process and not a quick fix. I feel that after two months in councelling, we're only just getting started.
AndiesThoughts, thank you, your answer was helpful. I am thinking that my boyfriend is just as stressed about this as I am, although he doesn't show it that well. It's a draining process, and I think he's worried that if we take a pause now, and then IVF takes a long time too (might not happen at first try, might not happen at all), that we will just be dragging it out.
CindyCares, thank you, you're right about choosing what the dress is a symbol of. And I need to replace this idea that the dress is a symbol of failure, with the idea that the dress is a symbol of the wedding. Which it should be! I do feel overwhelmed, which is why Im trying to reduce stress factors. Quitting my job has been an option Im strongly considering, in fact.Im thinking maybe a part time job would be better for me. Im doing the therapy bit down, in order to sort out my thoughts and issues. So I'm settled on going through the therapy and give my job situation until the wedding. Then after that I might just quit and find something part time or at least closer to home. Im doing a commute of close to 4 hours every day in addition to an 8 hour job, and it's just a bit too much really.
It also does help to know that I might still wear that skinny dress even if I get pregnant. Its a comforting thought that helps remind me not to blow this out of proportion.
Anonymous123, thanks! It helps calm my mind to think of this :)
Update: The IVF-clinic called me today asking why they hadn't heard from me yet. They want me in to do the procedure. I explained that it's been a bit too much to deal with and we need more time to think about it. Also the other doctor did advice us to try on our own now after the surgery for endometriosis. The nurse from the IVF-clinic didn't agree with this doctor, apparetly, and said it would increase the chances to do IVF now too, without the endometriosis. She said the endometriosis will come back gradually, which is true. So hey, no pressure there...
To be honest I felt relly pressured by the nurse to do the procedure now. Like just because I went to the fertility clinic to get tested and get checked, like now I somehow owe them my eggs or something. I didn't say I wanted IVF, they didn't even ask us if we wanted it, they just put us up for it and informed us that we were in the clear to get the procedure done and they gave me some dates to report back to them and just signed me up for appointments. I think that's part of why Im so hesistant towards it. It doesn't feel like our decision, just something the doctors are pushing us into.
So I asked what happens if we want to wait? Would we get dumped out of the system, down to the bottom of a waiting list? She said they dont really have a waiting list, and that we've already been accepted as fit for IVF-treatment, so we're good to go. At least as long as we decide to go ahead within the next 6 months, and she said it'd be about two months from I say "go" and until they'd actually do the procedure (hormone treatments).
So I don't know why they're putting extra pressure on me/us from the clinic, sounds to me like it wouldn't hurt to wait a few more months, and it's not like they get get paid as it's not a private clinic. It's the public hospital/fertility clinic. But our prime minister has been REALLY obsessed in media etc about how we need to produce more children, so maybe the clinic has been told to knock us up faster.
Talking/writing about this helps! Thanks guys. Im starting to formulate a mental plan here on how to make this work, one step at a time. I like the idea of waiting until after marriage, but as severeal here have said, I probably wont show for the first 12 weeks at least anyway, so as far as the dress is concerned, I can relax. Because even if we DID go ahead with IVF right this minute, and I happened to get pregnant on the first try, the nurse did say it'd be about two months before the extraction of eggs. So by that time I wouldn't be more than 12-18 weeks anyway.
Big hug to you guys!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 January 2019):
 Keep trying to get pregnant because you say the marriage is 6 months from now. Assuming you get pregnant in a month or two, you'll be four months pregnant at the time of your wedding and you might still fit into your dream dress. I didnt start to show until the 5th or 6th month, I think.
Hoping for the best for you Chigirl!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 January 2019):
 Yes, you should probably take a break, give yourself some rest psichologically. You sound a bit overwhelmed, and reasonably so- you are tackling three big things all at a time ( organizing your wedding, settling in your new job, and tryng to conceive against some conclaimed difficulties ), it's a lot all together , enough to make your head spin ! So it's better, I think, if you proceed in installments , wedding first, the rest after. Even if you are not getting any younger ( nobody is… ) you are still only 33 , you've got still quite a wide window of opportunity and quite a few years before throwing the towel and deciding it's not going to happen for you. And IVF treatment does take quite a toll on a woman both physically and emotionally. As I am sure you know, there's no guarantee that it succeeds at the first try , if you don't succeed you'll get to your wedding date even more anxious and frustrated that you are now, and incapable to relax, stay in the moment and enjoy your big day . And if you do succeed, you'll be pregnant but freaked out and exhausted , which is not the best way to start your wedding life or your pregnancy either.
OTH, if you do not want to actively prevent a possible pregnancy, and use contracception, which I guess sounds rather counterintuitive in your predicament- it's a matter to change your mind, your attitude. Why don't you take your focus off " trying " and " succeding " and just go with the flow. Have unprotected sex , and whatever happens happens; it's all good. If you get pregnant, you will accept graciously the surprise the Universe had in store for you. And if you don't- you only " meant business " i.e. starting IVF treatment AFTER your wedding anyway , so you are respecting your schedule and program , and that should make you feel more in control, less all over the place.
As for the dress, I'd keep the skinny one - because you have bought it already, because it is expensive and because you look good in it. A dress can be a symbol, of course, but it's up to you CHOOSING the symbol. Why does it have the symbol of a " failure ", an inadequacy, a missing out ?
Why don't you make it a symbol of " hey I am so lucky , I have found my Prince, no more kissing toads for me !no more dating weirdos :) !" Why don't you make it a symbol of succes and accomplishment - nowadays it's not so easy or obvious to find a person that you want to spend your whole life with and who wants the same , and who wants to make this committment public and official. We can blame "men's fear of committment " or " women's fickleness " or Internet dating or whatever, anyway the fact remains that what you and your fiance' are going to do is big, important milestone that lots of people won't reach- so why can't you make it a symbol of " Hey I am special- I am cool- I am blessed ".
P.S: Not to mention that , if you should get pregnant either by happy accident or by IVF, you might very possibly be able to wear the skinny dress nonetheless. Not all women gain weight and balloon right from the start; many women don't " show " anything until the 5th month or even later. As for me personally, I LOST 18 pounds during the first 13 weeks ( .. hyperemesis, like the poor Kate Middleton, lol )
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2019): Me and my wife had to go through years of ivf we were so lucky to have our one and only daughter. its not an instant fix so to speak. its not like you can pick and choose when to become pregnant like you can with getting married , if you really want a child then do it now while you have the best chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2019): If i was in your shoes and actually got blessed with having the chance of a child i would take it. Clothes mean nothing you could be so blessed with having a ' so longed for child' not everyone will ever be so lucky. i speak like this because i was so very lucky to be able to have a baby 18 yrs ago he is the only child i will be able to have, another family member had to go through 10 yrs of trying to have a baby the one and only they will have . then i also have a friend who got cancer she didnt know until it was too late she lost any chance of carrying a baby, she would give up everything in her life to be able to of had a baby . if you have any chance to have a child then you should take it no matter what what dont delay thins take the chance now
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 January 2019):
I'm sorry for your TTC trouble, but congratulations on your upcoming wedding!As married life and a new job are such big adjustments, I agree with Honeypie that those should probably be your priorities. The dress is a minor thing in comparison, as those two things at once can be tough, let alone three! Fitting the dress would be a bonus, though :)I think stopping trying to conceive for now would be a good idea. It's such a draining experience and you need a break from it, whether you're getting married or not. It's taking it's toll and we all need breaks from things that are stressful. Please don't take this the wrong way, but him possibly feeling too old in 6 months is a concern. It will take more than 6 months to keep trying, get pregnant, go through the pregnancy, have the baby, wait a couple of years and repeat. I appreciate that it may have been out of frustration/sadness with the struggle so far, but both parents need to be ready for it when it happens, not suggest they will feel too old before the baby even arrives - especially if you want more than one. Please discuss this with him, as delaying it seems best for now (not just because of the dress), so saying he may feel too old is putting an unfair time limit on you - especially when low sperm count appears to be the main issue now.Please take the 6 months away from trying. Give yourself the break. Stress isn't conducive to conceiving or carrying to term, then going through the challenges of newborns. Enjoy your wedding and new married life, then after a few months of settling in, try IVF. I know some scoff at therapy, but it really is worth a shot because TTC is hard when it's such a struggle and feeling overwhelmed will only leave you unable to enjoy the things between now and giving birth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2019): The doctors are giving you a very positive spin by telling you that your chances are increased.But realistically you may never get pregnant.Get counselling to overcome the feeling that this means you are a failure because there is no connection and in your high anxiety state your worries are out of proportion to your realities.You can still be a parent if you start considering adoption and being in a stable relationship is an advantage so the marriage is a good idea.A dress is a dress and a baby is a baby and there is no link between the two whatsoever.If you have the capacity to love a child you will get the opportunity if you face realistic options..As for sex..yes.it is sex that makes a baby!But trying for a baby sounds so very boring and tedious that you should stop trying and just enjoy a bit of unprotected sex together if you are planning on sticking together.If you are not trying for anything sex is a lot more natural in your relationship so let yourselves off the 'must make baby' hook and consider your alternatives.Being a parent is a demanding option and stressing over whether or not you will look good is the opposite of being a parent.You have to be spontaneous to cope with having a child and frequently your appearance takes a back seat so that appearance obsession is really counterproductive.Babies are sweet, messy, adorable, get sick, cry a lot etc but after you put in all the work it seems worthwhile.So an easy going approach to your appearance is advisable.An adopted child needs the love, care and protection like all little children and are absolutely and equally rewarding.Its nice to look good for the occasional photo opportunity but it is not an essential part of daily life.The trust and love you establish is far more important than anything else.I would say your skinny wedding dress would look fine as its unlikely you will be putting any weight on before your nuptials.Take the stress off yourself by getting counselling to understand that humans often face circumstances that can look better from a different angle.A counsellor is trained to listen and understand so that you can unburden yourself of preconceived notions that don't happen for everyone.It can also help you to reprogram your belif systems and the unwarranted connections that stress can facilitate.And it can help to articulate your feelings and to get validation and understanding.Adoption is something you should think about deeply. You have no guarantee that IVF treatment will result in a baby.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 January 2019):
One thing at a time. I'd start withe the wedding and then adjustments to a new job THEN... after all that work on making a baby.
Also there are MANY places that have Vintage or secondhand brand name wedding dresses for the FRACTION of the price. Some never used. That IS an option to getting a really FANCY dress and still not break the budget on a dress you will ONLY wear once in your life.
I got a never worn (with tags) $8,000 dress for $900. I was lucky that it just fit like a glove and needed very few alterations. And I'm glad I didn't spend more than then $900 but still looked amazing :)
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