A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:A guy and I had agreed to have casual sex before the holidays. We agreed on coffee first to get to know each other, a sleepover to somewhat test compatibility, then sex. A lot of it. He wants to keep it monogamous, and the order of this was his idea - claiming that he isn't really the player type, that he really likes me and would like to keep me for himself for a while.Our coffee day was due but he never showed. Texted that evening to tell me he's sorry, that he hates people who bail, but he was busy.I was busy myself on the day, so I let it go. But told him I don't take too kindly to standing-up situations.So the 2nd chance for coffee up again, and there's no confirmation, no show.Messages me the following day to apologize "SINCERELY" and explains that he leads a very busy life and his boss is a doosh, and that now he must be in a nearby rural area for like 5 days etc...Haven't talked to him since. Usually by now I wouldn't even bother. I don't like that he has no respect to at least inform of these things BEFOREHAND.Trouble is... I really like him too! Not long-term, but enough to want to have a little fun with him before I have to leave in less than 4 weeks. It's late to look for someone else now, and I like to know I'm sleeping with someone I get along with, who's intellectually stimulating and funny. He is. Yet I don't want to look desperate by allowing this behaviour. Secretly, I want to tell him I'm done - deal over, so that I can feel like I've gained oower again in this situation, but I know that's an immature move and it that he most probably won't come crawling back for forgiveness, having taken my rejection seriously.What do I do? I still really want to have sex with him but I'm not sure about the respect thing...
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 October 2014):
 You need to respect yourself above all else. he probably won't respect you no matter what you do so it's a moot point. You do what'sright for you. To heck with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): No! He obviously doesn't respect you and you're leaving soon anyway. It's not worth the headache
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 I think I would give it a miss. He does not seem too bothered with you. Yes, he was busy, but somehow people have this nearly magical ability to make themselves un-busy when they think it's worth the pain- when there' s enough interest, attraction, or just lust. This guy does not want to sweat it AT ALL, he took it in the spirit of " if it happens it happens ", which is surely appropriate for casual sex , but , IMO, not to the point of blatant rudeness. I think I'd say : if he can't bother neither can I- next!
I also think that maybe you like him a bit more, or a bit too much, for just casual. It's like you'd want to get out of him a mini-relationship, limited in time, but with the QUALITY of a real relationship.
Otherwise, if it's just casual sex, and for a few times only, why worrying about his intellect and wit and him being "intellectually stimulating " and funny. As if the idea was to have a lot of long conversations ! The important would be that he is attractive,clean , HEALTHY, and available, i.e. willing and ready when you are. Lacking this last quality....might as well to give up, or to resort to another candidate . Which is absolutely possible to find in less than 4 weeks if so you are determined to do - in fact, it would take you less than 4 hours if your search was really about blowing off some steam and just having some fun.
But, you also want someone who is intellectually compatible, good company, entertaining, respectful, intelligent,monogamous etc.... not that you are wrong, in fact it's good to have standards and it's very good to have high standards - but what " casual " has got to do with it ?
Oh a little word of caution about " monogamous ". This sounds like a meeting engineered through internet , not IRL, and, keep in mind that on dating sites people notoriously LIE. They tell you what you want to hear and what makes them look good and what is PC to say. Of course he told you " I am not much of a player ", what do you think , that if he had been a horndog for whom anything is good as loong as she is alive and breathing, he would have told you ?... I think he liked the idea of possibly having you at his exclusive disposal for 4 weeks ( safer, cleaner and more convenient ), but not necessarily he was going to do the same. In fact, the reason of his being busy might have been very possibly because he was "interviewing " other candidates . Which is also the reason why he is so, well... casual about scheduling and canceling : if it won't be you, then it will be some other girl. When it's casual hookups, it's way more about the WHAT you get than the WHO you get it from.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 well i mean isn't kind of respect a little bit out of the door when you're planning super casual sex? You say you already like him and know he's easy to get along with, funny and smart, so just have sex with him and forget the "formalities" of anything more than that.
I get the whole, I want to make a scene to get him to chase after me, but you don't really have much time for games like that if you're only in town for a month. I say give him your address and when and if he doesn't come for sex (WTF) give up!
BUT, I think this arrangement may not that easy for you because you actually have feelings for him, otherwise you wouldn't be hurt by him not showing up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 You can be laid back about this thing so it won't be desperate, or you can say thanks but no thanks and withdraw gracefully. He did not call you to cancel beforehand to avoid dealing with your anger. He thought that by not replying you would get the idea that he couldn't make it. It's more like he couldn't face you, rather than thinking you don't matter at all. It's hard to have casual sex then keep that person all to himself otherwise it would be girlfriend boyfriends. The only reason why it had to be casual is because of time constraints and the need to travel for work. For casual sex, you would have more luck looking for someone during your holidays. I just feel like if someone proposes casual sex, that's because he doesn't have what it takes to make it serious and it's frustrating to the other person when promises can't be kept. People usually think of casual sex as fun and games but in reality it's always waiting and more waiting, feeling disappointed and empty. It's usually the women who over think situations like these. Do you think guys think that much? It's hardly casual at all.
What I would do is just ignore him and move on. No need to feel angry or anything. He's so busy so even if you have time to be in bed together his phone is going to ring. So just forget it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): IMO nobody "needs sex right now." Sexual frustration is not an excuse for doing something that goes against your morals. The average teenage boy has already experienced a gigantic amount of sexual frustration, years before he can even legally have sex.
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