A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am upset because of my boyfriend's past. He is much older than I am. I am 30 and he is 51. We have been together for three years. We have had completely different lives. It makes me wonder why we are together. I already knew that he had been with a lot of women in the past. Some were quite long relationships,and some were flings. He was also married once and he has a child with his ex wife. He has hardly seen his child since they got divorced. His son was three years old when they got divorced (his son is only a year and a half younger than I am!). I haven't had many relationships, and have never had any flings (and never would). I also lost my virginity to my boyfriend when I was 28.Last night, we were talking about the past, and he told me that he had a fling with a 16 year old girl when he was 33. He actually met her when she was 15, but she had turned 16 by the time they had the fling (I think that makes it sound worse!). He said that she had asked him to try to get her pregnant, so he did try to . She told him that if she did get pregnant, she would tell him. She didn't tell him that she had, but she did go to the place where he lived to see him once, but he told someone to tell her that he wasn't at home. So I'm not sure what she was going to tell him then. I don't think she left a message with the person who told her that he wasn't at home, because they probably would have told him if she had. I can't believe that he tried to get her pregnant when he hardly knew her, and I cant believe that he just used her like that. Even though he is very loving towards me and we have been together this long so far, this has really upset me. What made it even worse is he told me about this just after we had made love!. He also told me once that there was another woman who told him that she had aborted their baby. He said he didn't know if that was true or not though.What do you think about this?. I'm not sure if I want to be with him anymore. Usually, I don't mind about us having an age gap, but I'm shocked that he has only told me this now when I have been with him for this long.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): Another thing I am upset about is that it took him three years to tell me about that. He had told me about other people he had been involved with, but he has only just mentioned this one. He said that the others were over 18. I'm worried now though because there might be more underage women that he hasn't told me about for all I know!.
If I can't get over this, we will have to finish. I just don't think I can look at him in the same way again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): I agree that he was irresponsible. He should have had more sense at the age of 33!!. He did say that he was stupid then, and he said that he is a different person now, that he is more mature now , and that he adores me, but this has still upset me.I will either talk to him about this again, and ask him if he feels any remorse or guilt, or I might just break up with him. It has hurt me so much that I don't think I can make love with him again without thinking about it. It has actually made me feel sick that he had sex with a 16 year old. I think it is stupid that the age of consent is 16 here in the UK. You are still a child then. I think even 18 would be too young, as you have only just become an adult then. I think the legal age should be 21.I'm concerned because the age gap between us is similar to the age gap between him and that girl too. She is only four years older than I am. It isn't as bad with us because I was 27 when I met him, so at least we were both adults. But , I do wonder why he has always gone for younger women.My mum met my dad when she was 17 and he was 33, so that was the same kind of thing. The difference is that they were together for almost 28 years in total. They dated for three years, and were married for almost 25 years. It is a shock that my dad agreed to go out with her when she was so young, but at least he didn't take advantage of her. He did say that he didn't want to go out with her at first because of the age difference. I don't know what made him change his mind. I think sometimes it's hard to tell when a much older man is taking advantage or not. My dad said that he also had a lot of girlfriends when he wasn't married. Maybe he would also be a good person to ask for advice about this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 Yeah that would make me very uncomfortable too . Of course you can't crucify people for mistakes which they did 20 years before, bt, apparently, he does not even SEE this as a mistake, just as a funny anecdote. And of course people can change in time, but what changes are their habits , their external behaviours ( like being a smoker and then quitting, or being always late then training themselves to arrive punctual, etc... ), not their basic , chore values,( or lack of the same , as in this case ) that by his age then ( 33 ) are solidly in place and are never going to change.
Yes, frankly I find it horrifying that he was grooming a minor for sexual fun- and I don't give a f..k if 16 is legal in UK, " legal " is not the same as ethic, morally valid or socially acceptable, it just means that you don't go to jail if you do it, not that 's a nice thing to do.
Even more that he was so irresponsible, cynical and indifferent to try and get her pregnant as per her request ( the request of a harebrained CHILD ) without any thought for the possible consequences. " If any, it's HER problem "... pardon me, but that's the attitude of a sociopath, even if it may be true from a strictly legal,technical point of view.
Add to this that he has barely seen his own son in all these years, and your guy surely does not win the prize for Mt. Empathy, or Mr. Warmheart , or Mr. Responsible.
Uhm- tbh, a guy like this would creep ME out. Then again, I can't tell you to just dump him here and now for this, you would not do it anyway, because there's the other side of the coin, so far, WITH YOU, he has been loving, caring, good etc- so you judge by what you know. Only, you may want to keep your eyes open from now on, and try to get to know him much more in depth, not only what he says or does to you, but his values, his life vision, his general attitude in life. If you pay attention to this sort of things, you might find out that you are much less compatible than you'd think. You need to have somewhat of a common vision, a shared ethic, to last togethr. Being " nice " to a current Gf is...nice, but it does not really says much about a person . After all, Hitler is reported as having been very nice to Eva Braun.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 The thing that bothers me most is that he barely sees his son. He has a thing for younger women. The age gap between you and him is similar to when he was 33 and the girl was 16. He never looked at his romance partners as equals but rather just friends that he has sex with. He never had anyone tell him what's appropriate to talk about with your mate, especially talking about exes after making love to you. If it's really in the past he should have said that's how he was, so immature and irresponsible but no, he's talking about it like it's yesterday as if he didn't know what he did was wrong, not was he aware that other people would be bothered by this. It's almost as if he felt proud that he was able to seduce a young woman and that she wanted his gene.
I think that every time he has sex, it would relive that moment he had with the 16 year old. You should have asked him, if he had felt remorse, worry, concern for that girl. He probably thought it's the woman's responsibility to be on the pill if they didn't want to get pregnant but deep down maybe he's feeling bad about it after all. Maybe that's why he talked about it. There's no better time to talk about this too. Like should he talk about this at dinner? In public? Maybe he knows it is a bad thing to be so indiscreet about sex, but it didn't quite cross the conscience threshold.
Being that he didn't care about his offspring like the one who's a little younger than you, is it surprising that he didn't care if women got pregnant or not? He is like a sperm donor without an ounce of compassion or nurturing instinct. And that's the asshole, alpha male characteristic that gets women hooked, unfortunately.
It's the shock of, "this is who he really is?" that gets to you. Everyone knows how to act normal. You are not thinking of marriage or kids right now so you still have to get to know him more if you are not thinking about breaking up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): I think you are being smart.
People are always held responsible for everything else they ever do in life. Why is past sex life an exception?
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