A
female
age
36-40,
*ost_Soul85
writes:Please take the time to read this for I truly am I lost soul.I have been in an on/off relationship with a girl for two years now, circumstances prevented us from being together at first but we have been now we have been official for a year.At first our relationship was perfect, we were attentive, absorbed by each other and completely in love, our relationship has always been intense and passionate – these feelings still remain, we tell each other daily that we love each other, have plans for the future and are usually gentle and kind toward each other however BIG problems occur when we are put under pressure or when drugs or alcohol are involved. We are two completely different people when pressure arises; we cope with crisis and protect ourselves in such different ways.My girlfriend deals with problems by pretending they don’t exist, if she ignores it, the problem will go away and this can make her cold and distant during crisis. I on the other hand deal with problems by being assertive, taking it on the chin and talking it through and this can sometimes make me clingy and very very anxious. The two do not mix well! 90% of the time me and my girlfriend are fine, we make each other laugh, spend time together, go on dates, talk to each other, love each other but then there’s this 10% of static (as a result of the above) that truly does send me crazy! Her coping mechanisms intermittently lead her to be cruel so when we fight we REALLY fight as I harbour resentment for the way she sometimes treats me. Every now and then we are violent towards each other, there is no excuse for that and I know it derives from me feeling I have no control. I cannot reason with her when she shuts herself down. We each give as good as we get, but I feel disgusted with myself the next day. It seems to really kick off when we go out to bars and clubs and have a few too many drinks. Last night we started getting catty because I felt she’d undermined me, it spiralled and at home, turned into a full on brawl. Afterward she retreats into silence and after a few days things usually go back to normal. Thing is, my mind is now pre-empting these events and now it seems to be a case of ‘finding’ a reason for a night out to end this way. With us screaming at each other and sometimes with us becoming physically aggressive.This problem is becoming more and more consistent and needs to be dealt with. But how can I reason with her when she shuts down as soon as there is a problem and I become anxious and clingy (the last thing she wants when she’s trying to ignore a problem). Should I cut my losses and leave? Sometimes I think it would be better for the both of us but then I think of a life without her in it and it makes my chest seize up. We are devoted to each other but sometimes I wonder what its going to take to tip us over the edge, part of me is waiting for it to happen, not wanting it to happen of course, but waiting none the less. I live my life on a knife edge, wondering when the next fight will happen, how bad it will be and whether it will end us.I feel that I have become a different person over the last 6 month’s; this is not solely down to the relationship. Leaving uni and friends moving away has seriously knocked my confidence, I was out of work for a few months (now have a very good new job), I spent a year abusing speed, coke, pills and weed (no more however), money worries and coming out to my family have all contributed much stress to my life. I need help and advice, and fast!
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confidence, drugs, money, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, chill +, writes (9 November 2007):
Alcohol,makes you tell the truth, and say things you wouldn't normally say, domestic violence, male or female theres no excuse, absnce makes the heart grow fonder,maybe you need time out from this relationship, then maybe she may realise what she has lost, overall if i was you i wud be on my toes, believe me the grass is greener, do you enjoy crying ? you will shed more tears with her than without her, you dont hurt the one you love,there is someone out there for you, that special someone,its like fishng, need to be relaxed not to fussy, not happy wth your catch throw it back, all the best babe The CHILL .
A
female
reader, Lost_Soul85 +, writes (17 October 2007):
Lost_Soul85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, thanks for the responses - they made me feel alot better about the whole situation and gave me the balls to pluck up a bit of courage!
We have decided to take a break from each other, which has currently lasted 2 days and I have to say, its a breath of fresh air. A bit of time to do our own things and then come back to each other fresh and ready. She has the week off work and I'm going to go and see my family over the weekend.
I'm missing her intensely and have shed a few too many tears but I know we'll be together again soon.
When that comes we have decided to forgive and forget, start again when we finally come back to each other. No more fights about past resent etc.
Ultimatley thats what was causing the trouble. We are going to start meditating with a local group so in the week we will always have a couple of hours set aside for our own relaxation (and also spend time together outside our room) and I am going to avoid going out clubbing until I have sorted out my issues with paranoia (a risidual effect of all the drugs I consumed). There's something about the lights, the noise and the sheer volume of people that triggers me and really makes me anxious and freaked out. The last few weeks I have tended to lash out at her when I go out clubbing because she badgers me into going. I can only go clubbing when I am 'in the mood for it,' not because someone keeps telling me I'm boring for not wanting to go out.
I have told her in clear terms that going out and getting wasted is not the only way to have fun and that we shouldn't limit our social life just to that.
Boundaries and sensitivity to each others state of mind seems to be the call of the day.
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A
female
reader, Cyg79  +, writes (15 October 2007):
 Sometimes love is not enough. To me the violence would be enough to get out. But instead of just dropping everything and leaving, try and talk with her. If shes not willing to make some kind of change, then its time to look at leaving. even if your in a 90% of the time good relationship, you are in an abusive one as well. In the end it comes down to what you want out of a relationship, you have to selfish in this capacity.
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