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anonymous
writes:My wife of 25 years notified me several months ago, that she doesnt love me anymore and wants a divorce.We went to marriage counseling for a few months, and she told me yesterday, the counseling hasn't worked, and she still wants to divorce me.We get along fine, and there are 3 children involved (21, 19, 15). I can't afford to move out, so we've agreed to share the house, until we can sell it.We discussed sleeping arrangements, and she told me she was fine with us continuing to "sleep" together, but underscored sleep (no sex).I still love her completly, and am devasted by this. I guess my question is, should we still continue to sleep in the same bed, or should I move to a different room?I guess, I wonder if sleeping together will a) send the wrong message to the children, or could it be a positive, that even though we aren't going to be together, we still get along.b) since I still love her, will this arrangement give me false hope, and increase the despair I feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): I'm in the situation where she doesn't want a divorce, but hasn't been willing to have sex for several years. Very humiliating. I moved to another room just so I wouldn't feel that nasty rejection when she came to bed without making eye contact and just faces the wall.Maybe I should go back to sleeping in the same bed, and just learn to masturbate while she is there so she can enjoy knowing that I've had to stoop that low just to meet a strong physical need.
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reader, JimmysGettingAngry +, writes (25 February 2011):
Gamine, Thanks for your advice. I'm not into game playing, and while "reverse psychology" falls dangerously close to that category, I can understand what you are saying. Point is, we've had 4 months of marriage counseling, plenty of time for her to air her grievances. Also, since there are children involved, it certainly complicates the issue.
In any event, I've spent the past 4 months trying to win her back, however, after tonight (notifying kids tommorow), I'm basically giving up. I will move into a separate room, and begin to lead a separate life. If that's reverse psychology, then so be it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Thanks everyone for your advice. Unlike many internet sites, where responses to questions seem to be superficial, or downright mean, your responses seemed both thoughtful as well as caring. There seems to be a consensus that I should move out of the room. ultraviolet2011, you seem to hit the nail right on the head my relationship with my wife, has been pretty much one sided for years. Trouble is, I still love her. I know it's time for me to let go, and think about what's best for me.
Tommorow, is a big day. We are going to notify the kids. The 2 older ones are in college, and we've asked them to come home for the weekend. By the way, I don't think the kids have ANY idea whats going on. My wife and I always have, and continue to get along.
Between, now and tommorow, is the last day I will allow myself to hope and pray that my wife's feelings for me change.
I did tell my wife, that after tonight, I am going to move into a different room. I did ask her to go out one more time with me tonight, as husband and wife. I want to have a good positive memory I can cherish during the difficult times ahead.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Don't sleep in her bed just to spare the kids. They probably are already aware of the problems you two are having if you haven't already told them. They can probably handle the truth, because they're probably already dealing with it on some level.
My mother insisted on sleeping on the couch when she was angry with my father and threatening divorce. I know it humiliated my father. In retrospect, although it upset me, I don't think I was traumatized from it...it was probably the first time, I realized my parents were people with their own problems too. I think you should take the spare room for yourself and if you're kids ask why, be honest with them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Definately sleep in a different room or move out, if she is serious about the divorce you need to be tough on yourself and not cling to false hope, its not good for you. Once she sees that you are strong enough to move out of the room/house this may even trigger her to realise that she does want to try to work your relationship out, let her miss you. At the end of the day you have to do whats best for you. Still at the end of the day why would you want to continue a relationship thats one sided, be strong be tough make a move nothing will change if you dont. Your life will improve when you start doing things for you.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 I wouldn't sleep in the same bed with her. It would be very difficult for me. The parrot would make a better companion (they usually do).
But there's one more thing: Have you talked to your kids about the divorce? If you haven't, my opinion is that you should.
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reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I would call a friend, relative, or parent and move out right away. If you can't do this I would move to a different room. I would also be very wary of late nite visits from her if you catch my drift. Do not give into her sexually. Not to be cruel or insulting but I would get tested because 'if I had a nickel' for every time a friend said to me 'never in a million years would I think she'd ___ but she did'. I wish you all the best!
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 February 2011):
I would say that in this situation, knowing it is coming to an end, you would be better off moving to a separate room.
a) Your children will have to deal with this one way or another. Might as well be honest about it all now.
b) This will certainly increase your pain. You'll have to sleep next to the woman you love every night until you can move out, and that will cause you major problems.
Spare room it is, I'm afraid.
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