A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really good friends with an ex boyfriend from long ago. He and his current girlfriend have been together for nearly 2 years and, as much as I like her as a person, I really dislike the way she treats him. He works 12 hour shifts while she sits at home playing computer games all day, but still moans at him as soon as he comes through the door about minor things like the fact that he hasn't posted a letter or done the food shopping. She pays nothing towards the rent or bills yet goes on and on about wanting new furniture and gadgets, and he usually ends up giving in after a lot of moaning from her.As much as the way she treats him annoys me, I would normally hold my tongue - he's a grown adult, his relationships are his affair. But there are two problems.Firstly, he has started to talk to me about the relationship. Although he doesn't criticise her and we haven't directly discussed the way she treats him, it's clear he wishes things were different. So far I have avoided telling him directly what I think and have listened and asked questions instead. But I know I am one of the few people he speaks to about their relationship and I am wondering how much I am really helping by not being frank with him when he asks me.Secondly, because she provides so little support for him and we spend so much time together, he and I have started doing more and more things that he should probably be doing with his girlfriend. Not exciting, interesting things - things like going DIY shopping and sorting the loft out. Part of me doesn't mind doing these things because he's a mate and we like spending time together, but part of me resents the fact that she's getting the benefits of being his girlfriend whilst I feel like I am putting the effort in.Our history and the fact that I really don't want to damage a long-standing valuable friendship makes me really cautious about the situation. But am I doing any of us any favours by keeping my nose out of the situation?
View related questions:
affair, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): It the most ungratefull thing to do to participate in someones relationship. I lost a friend because of that. She is not welcome to our house anymore. I was in a position of your friends girlfriend. She expressed several times her critical opinion about me not helping out my husband while he is supporting a family financially, was sticking her nose somewhere where it didn't belong.
I have no desire to even speak with her on a phone. They are working together, my husband sees her every day. They hardly speak, only bussineslike. So,if you don't want it to happen to you stay out of it, and try to look differently of how you feel about his girlfriend. If you keep on feeling like this toward her, i don't think your friendship w/ your friend will last. Your attitude will come out sooner or later.
A
female
reader, Neverbeenloved  +, writes (6 July 2010):
This is something you must stay clear of in order to keep your friendship the same and tell that is not your place to give your opinion about his personal affairs. Just go with his gut. Best wishes girl. I truly feel for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (6 July 2010):
 I think your initial reaction of wanting to staying out of it, is the right way to go. As you've said, he's an adult and his relationships are his business.
When it comes to not speaking your mind about his girlfriend, it can be a difficult thing but remember, he's not necessarily talking to you as a way to change everything. He may just be looking for a sympathetic ear. Unless someone specifically says to me "I have no idea what to do. What should I do?" I usually keep my advice to myself and even in cases where someone does ask, I may not say anything because you have to evaluate the situation to see if the advice is really what they need to hear or whether they just need a hug.
As for the support, it sounds like you need to find some kind of balance. Help him as much as you feel comfortable from the position of a friend, but not so much that you feel like you're taking over the role of being a girlfriend.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2010):
You stand more to lose my saying something. He clearly loves her, no matter what her faults are. By saying something, you could come across as trying to steal him from her, and he might well get rid of you. If she is that bad and gives him nothing, he will eventually come around. But you need to stay out, unless he asks your advice as to whether he should stay or leave.
...............................
|
