A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is super defensive. Everything i say he has a defensive retort or a way to bat back at me it could be a comment i have made such as "have you anything planned for dinner tonight" and the reply i get will be "i have not thought about dinner, i have not had chance, i have been busy all day, if you want dinner you go make it i am watching tv, everyone else gets to do what they want why cant i? why am i the only one who has to suffer?" of course i have tried to avoid these confrontations, usually i just go into the kitchen and start dinner but then i get told "why have you started dinner when i had something planned, i wanted to use something up, why didnt you ask me whether i had anything planned?" and so it goes, this happens over trivial things like dinner and major things like childcare etc in fact it happens over EVERYTHING. If i ask i get complained at and if i dont ask i get told i should have asked i just cant win. keeping my mouth shut is not an option either as then i am accused of being miserable. In fact if i am miserable its due to spending years with him putting up with this nonesense, he truly seems to believe that the whole world is out to get him for example if he is in a hurry to drive somewhere, and someone cuts in front of him and drives slowly he tells me "they did that on purpose because i have to get somewhere" it does seem to me that this happens a lot but i think its just the nature of things and not a personal attack on anyone. i am at a stage where i just dont want to try communicating differently even if i knew how to it is such hard wok we even saw a counsellorwho told him he is extremely defensive and said to me it must be hard with him (politely of course) the counsellor has given up saying ahe cannot deal with such a defensive person she cannot get through to him. i too find it hard and barely speak as whatever i say its taken the wrong way, i try to explain and make it better but it never works he goes into the bedroom and sulks or watches tv for hours. i just dont know what i can do if anything to make this situation better or is it too late for that and should i count my losses and leave and be a single mom to my 5 children? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 July 2010):
 * if he wont change
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 July 2010):
Maybe resort to taping the thing he says and keep a log of when fights occur and about what. Maybe get him to write a log as well, but I don't think you will get him to agree... it is worth a try however. Then after getting multiple of occasions writte down, and recordings, sit down with him and try to have a talk. Use child psychology on him if he tries to run to his room and sulk. Maybe if he can get confronted with how he reacts to everything a light will go on in his head?
If we wont change, and you can't stand it any longer, there is only one thing to do, move out. You can stay married and all, just move out an let him make his own dinner.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2010):
Read this.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism
See if this applies to him.
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