A
female
age
26-29,
*arissalover1
writes:so me and my boyfriend have been daiting for almost 2 years and we have had sex only once. the other day we were going to again but the night before he told me that his mom didn't want it to happen because she found me immature. she doesnt want it getting too serious because she thinks i'll hold him back. i always though she liked me up untill that night. i dont know if i should confrunt her about it or just try and grow up right away. i need answers :S
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female
reader, shalley  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Yeah, i agree with chigirl.your bf should'nt have told you this.he should know it would hurt you or probably give you a wrong impression about his mom.i think that's a litle immature of him.i guess your boyfriend should have a mind of his own and should be able to give you a better reason for his not wanting sex now.try to talk to him about it.cheers!
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 hi Larissa
I never thought you sounded mean. Your boyfriend is being honest with you.
Though it would be respectful if he refrained from giving his Mom Too much information about some personal intimate information.
Surely his Mom can see that the two of you are very close?
You have been dating two years. You are in the 16-17 zone. It would seem natural and normal for the two of you to feel very
close after so long together.
Just keep on being respectful towards his Mom and keep working hard at school on your studies and maybe her views towards you will soften with time?
She loves her son as a son, as much as you love him as a boyfriend.
Being a little protective around her Son is a Mom thing.
Hope things keep on improving and best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, Larissalover1 +, writes (5 September 2011):
Larissalover1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question i should clear some things up :) 1. the only reason he told me is because we promised each other we wouldn't hide anything from each other.2. unfortunately we have broken each others hearts once but that was near the begining.3. i was on skype when he told me this and this is everything that he told me:my mum said no sex tommorow Christian: she was serious though Christian: she says she doesnt want me to get too serious Christian: she likes you and thinks ur a great girl but she thinks ur immature and thinks you'll hold me back Christian: we're still gonna f*ck hard though Christian: you know im not gonna listen to her at all right Christian: it already is serious and i want to be with you foreveri hoped that cleared u some? (not trying to sound mean!!!!!)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 It's ok, difficult to get your point across sometimes. I can try to put it this way.
The situation shouldn't be about the girl and the mother, because the mother hasn't directly said anything to the girl. Hence, the mother doesn't have a problem with the girl to our knowledge. All we know is that the boy is telling the girl upsetting things, and I wonder why.
I'm thinking this because I had a boyfriend tell me lies about what his family or friends thought of me, and stupidly I believed my boyfriend. When I then contacted the persons who supposedly said things about me they had no idea my (ex) boyfriend was spreading lies like that. My boyfriend was simply making up things, or bringing up negative things about me, to win his arguments or get things his way without taking responsibility for it, but by blaming others. Such as "others said this is an embarrassing action of you" or "he and she thinks you are weird when you do this".
When people say bad things about my partner to me, be that my mother or friends, I defend my boyfriend. I certainly do not tell him what I have been told, knowing it serves no purpose other than make him upset. If I myself have this problem with him I will say so myself. For example my mother called a boyfriend of mine fat, another unsuccessful. What good does it do to tell my boyfriends these things, unless I agree? And if I agree, I'd not say "he or she said this or that", but say "I think that".
Hope you understand what I mean. And sorry this got so long.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): Your response seemed angry at the mum for interferring in her son's sexual activities as well as the son for having tactlessly passed her concerns on to his girlfriend. If that was not your intent, I apologize.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 September 2011):
Female anon, you didn't have to get offended by my post. When I asked what his mom has to do with it I was talking to the poster of this question. His mother doesn't have much to do with how she and her boyfriend communicate, if they meet up or not, if they choose to have sex or not (as they've already had sex without his mother's consent). Sure, the mom is responsible for her son, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about whether or not his moms opinion is something this boy really listens to (highly doubt it, because what teenage kid does?) and why he chose to tell his girlfriend, knowing it'd upset her. What relevance does his mother have to the girlfriend??
If the boyfriend chose to listen to his mother and go carefully along with his girlfriend, he'd do just that. He wouldn't be bringing up what his mother said. He'd be doing what she told him, not repeat the message! Hence, his mother has nothing to do with it, but he is blaming his actions on her instead of taking responsibility for his own actions.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 September 2011):
Hi Larissa,
First off it sounds like he tells his Mom everything :)
So he must trust his Mom's judgement.
I do hope he talks to you just as often about his studies, his hopes, his dreams, his interests, and his feelings about you and his intentions for the future?
Deciding to be intimate is a big decision. I hope one of your private discussions also include effective contraception? Such as the Contraceptive pill?
And I do hope that the relationship does not lessen your commitment to your studies? Because getting good grades represents your future.
But it is worrying if his Mom has snobbish tendencies. She thinks you will ''hold him back''??? A comment like that is very worrying coming from a boy's Mom.
His Mom cannot possibly have a crystal ball to see where you or her son are 'going' in the world. In a good relationship neither party should 'hold back' the other party. Maybe you will become a CEO of a major corporation in another 20 years time and it will be you supporting her son who has chosen to bring up your babies from cradle to University? While your career takes off?
As far as being 'immature' at 16-17? That is all relative. If his Mom is around 40 then of course she has seen more of life than you may have seen. But does she have enough empathy to remember how she was at 16?
I even think I had a limited idea of how my life could or would progress, when I was 18. We all go through various learning experiences and grow and learn (hopefully) as we progress through each level. And along the way we learn better listening skills and develop more empathy and get to understand more about what is possible.
Surely his Mom is not thinking that this process of growing and learning will not happen to you?
You and your boyfriend have been together two years. That is a solid commitment from both of you. I think his Mom could extend you more respect for being there for her son. That neither of you has broken the other's heart. Keeping a commitment to each other for two years does not sound immature to me.
What 16-17 year old does not have some maturing to do? His Mom is being unrealistic if she expects neither her son nor you will have no further developing
nor growing to do yet.
Be nice to his Mom. Respectful. Courteous. Dress in ways that do not result in her eyebrows shooting up to the heavens. Your boyfriend also needs to champion your importance to him, when he and his Mom talk. Try not to challenge his Mom.
But in private, when talking to your boyfriend, let him know you are hurt to think his Mom thinks that you 'will hold him back'. Then it is up to your boyfriend to talk that through with his Mom.
Do not try to drive any wedge between his Mom and him.
Ultimately his Mom will have to cope. What you think of your boyfriend is what is important to you. And what your boyfriend thinks of you is what counts.
If you and your boyfriend remain as important to each other, as now, then his Mom will Come to accept you. And eventually become friends if you are very lucky. Afterall you both care very much (for different reasons) about the same guy.
So definitely do Not confront his Mom. But start asking your boyfriend about how you can build a better relationship with her. Maybe ask her to show you how to make certain things. When I was 19 my intended mother in law showed me how to iron a shirt properly, how to make scrambled eggs and lots of things which have been so helpfull ever since.
If you visit your boyfriend's home find opportunities to spend short times with her. So that she can see you are a lovely young woman with good intentions towards her son.
Keep building the relationship and things can only get better
Best Wishes for your future
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): What your boyfriend's mum said was not flattering, but she did not actually say she didn't like you. Nor did she instruct her son to stop seeing you. She simply sized you up, made some predictions and warned her son to proceed accordingly. It was rather tactless of him to tell you this, but I doubt very much he is deliberately spinning trouble.His mum did the same as any parent would do, as I myself have done many times. We may like someone fine, but we can get a sense of what their strengths and weaknesses are often times within seconds of meeting them. And your boyfriend's mum has had almost two years to get to know you.Instead of confronting her, give some thought to what she said. Look back on past behaviour and ask yourself if she might be right. Besides, if you're upset enough about it you probably won't be willing to listen with an open mind and you'll end up saying something you later regret. How you handle this could prove his mum right or wrong. Whatever her opinion of you an angry confrontation is ill advised and it really isn't your place to tell her off for looking out for her son.Instead of seeing this as an insult, see it as an opportunity for self improvement.And in response to chigirl, what his mother has to do with this is he is HER son, and a minor living in HER home. Whatever his age, he certainly isn't supporting himself. If a child is borne of this union SHE is the one who will be footing the bill. THAT is what she has to do with it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 September 2011):
I think instead of focusing on the mother you need to take a look at your boyfriend. A good boyfriend who cares about you would NOT go telling you things like this. Whether they be true or not. A good boyfriend would keep this from you, not tell you what his mother or god knows who said about you unless it was something positive. And, a good boyfriend would be the one to confront his mother if she puts his girlfriend down.
You shouldn't confront his mother. If he didn't stand up for you, then why should you bother?
I don't see what his mother has to do with this anyway, you already had sex before, and you didn't need her approval. Not that I think teenage sex is necessarily a great idea, but correct me if I'm wrong: you don't go about and ask your parents approval, do you? So this time it sounds like he asked her approval and she said no? And then obedient as he is he'll do as his mother tells him? He must be every parents dream!
Or, does that smell a tad bit suspicious?
I think your boyfriend is up to not good, and he's spinning you these stories about his mother to cover up for something else. I think he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any longer, and is blaming his mom. Could be he is even making it all up.
I mean, since when did teenage boys care more about what their mother has to say about their girlfriend than having sex with their girlfriend? Never in the history of the world have I heard of that happening. But I do know that if he cared about you he wouldn't go around telling you negative things his mother or anyone else said. He'd stand up for you, and never tell you she said it, if he cared.
Just imagine if your mother said something bad about your boyfriend, would you tell him? Would you tell him when you know it'd just make him upset? No you wouldn't.
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