A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm in-love with my wife, she is my soul mate, the love of my life! We been married for 16 yrs and 13 yrs ago I caught her cheating on me, it broke my heart. She promise me that she would end the affair and begged me to stay I forgave her and took her back. A couple of months ago I found out that my wife and that dude she cheated on me with were still a couple I felt so bad I couldn't believe that she did it again.I found pictures and letters that she had hidden, letters where she states how much she loves him and is only with me because of our kids. What makes things worse for me is that it seems like the affair never ended, it eats me up inside when she goes out I don't trust her and I'm always wondering if she is with him! It hurts so bad it kills me inside to know its the same guy because this means that they have strong feelings for each other. I want advice here from people that don't know me because I feel ashamed to ask people that know me for advice, I am not proud of my wife she has caused me so much pain, I'm embarrassed by her, her actions have hindered our marriage, my wife has shamed me. I don't want to lose her but can't keep this bottled inside should I confront her and let destiny run its course? I would also prefer to have her be unhappy with me than happy with someone else. I don't think they deserve to be happy together! (Please don't call me names I know I'm dumb for loving her this much but I want advice I don't want to be judged).
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affair, cheated on me, soulmate Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): If she has been in a long term affair - might want to get paternity test for kids. Sorry to hear your news was confirmed.
A
female
reader, confoozled  +, writes (3 April 2010):
:( I am so sorry. I know how much it hurt to have my live in boyfriend of two years cheat on me and not care, so I can only IMAGINE how much it must hurt to have your WIFE and mother of your children cheat on you and then instead of the remorse and begging and pleading she should be doing...she leaves with him! You deserve better. At least she has provided you with children I'm sure you love very much, so you can try to think of it in that you wouldn't have them if not for her. Maybe you will now find someone that you can be TRULY happy with, starting over fresh & new! I agree with the poster that said you will hurt today, but heal tomorrow.
Don't doubt yourself. You can find someone that you will be happy with and who won't cheat on you.
As for her and her new "boyfriend", a man who carries on an afair with a married woman is a coward, and what comes around goes around. Once the thrill & excitement of their relationship wears off, what will they have left? Not much!
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 Sorry, missed your update..
So she choose the lover...
She's not out of your life completely I'm afraid, she still is the mother of your children.
Think deeply and act slowly, your making life time decisions for yourself and your children, and it's you and them that are the ones that really matter in this situation.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
Oh I'm so sorry, of course we won't call you names, we are strangers remember, and many of us have also been in pain.
She says she loves this guy, she might not, she might be bored, fed up or just excited by a new relationship. But this is not right, she is wrong to treat you this way, she is wrong to lie and hide.
Either way, your marriage has been broken, whether she leaves with this man or comes back to you. She can't love him that much, she hasn't got enough love to leave and be happy with him.
I know this is hard, and you have children to think about, but is it possible for you to move out, to force her hand and make her decide whether she wants to be a faithful wife or would she be happier living with her lover instead.
You can't live like this, you must say something, she has to make a choice. She can't have this man and also have you.
PS: Some couples can live like this, allow their wife a lover and find a lover for themselves. But you still love your wife, she is your soulmate, she knows this just as she knows you'll never leave and walk away. That's why she won't give up this guy, she dosen't have to, she can have you and him as long as she learns to hide and sneak more carefully.
Walk away for a couple of months, tell people she's been unfaithful, then the ball is in her court and she can have all the space she needs to make a decision with which she will feel comfortable.
So sorry this has happened to you.. blessings...
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A
male
reader, lerokiya +, writes (2 April 2010):
thanks for your post. i've been in a similar situation recently. i confronted her when i found out and it still hurts. she was trying to lie and rationalize,'its your fault, u never loved me, blahblah..i believe she's being used, she has low self esteem and very many issues. now that they're together, the cycle of mistrust and suspicion will surface fast and it'll speed up their so called 'loving relationship'. we have kids, thought she'd come and go as she pleased but i put my foot down and she cant stand it but its still tough but like you, i need to keep my stand. good luck. if you wanna ask me more questions, feel free.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (31 March 2010):
 Sorry to hear that, I wish it would have been you the one that kicked her to the curve. Karma is your best friend right now she will get whats coming sooner or later. You should worry about yourself and your children don't look at it as something bad because you don't need her in your life. Congratulations cause your future now looks more promising .
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): Thank you all I have read every single one of them and appreciate the advise. I did confront my wife and she has left our home. What makes things worst for me is she went to stay with her lover, It breaks my heart. She broke the rules and when confronted she felt insulted. I now think she is not worth my time or pain yes it hurts but I know I will get over it. I just hope one day she realize that she lost a good man, and I might be mean to feel this way but I want that jerk to cheat on HER so she can hurt as I hurt now! Thank you all! [Mod note to poster: those numbers you were given were the way you can track this question later. I've removed that question from your text to preserve your privacy. Thanks.]
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): I know it must be hard for you to make a decision but think on all the pain she is causing you. You said you can't trust her that it kills you when she is out, do you always want to live like this doubting your wife stories not knowing if she is where she said she'll be or out with her lover. Think on your self and your children, what if she dumps you when the children are grown, that's going to make any sacrifice you make worthless. Remember the saying "You can put lipstick on a pig that does not make her a lady".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Get rid of her immediately.
take a separate house immediately with kids. leave her alone
start the divorce proceedings
she is not worth you.
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A
female
reader, tpf5023 +, writes (30 March 2010):
I have to agree with the last post. It is certainly not OK for you to stay with her. As hard as it may be to leave here, look at what she is doing to you. Why spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't love you and spends her happy moments with another man?
Do you want to grow old and die living your life tied down to someone who cheats on you and only stays with you because of your children?
Think of it that way. We only live once... don't waste your chance. You're only 40. You still have a whole lot of life left.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): You can either have her or you can have your self-respect. That's what it boils down to.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (30 March 2010):
You sound like a excellent person and I can tell that your wife is DUMB for not appreciating you. I don't feel it makes a difference if she cheating on you with the same guy or a different guy cheating is cheating and for her to have done if for so long so her true colors and moral values. People cheat all the time and these cheaters don't stop and think who they are hurting. You say you love your wife so much but would you really want to continue a relationship with a person who lies, cheats, and is dishonest. I think you can do way better don't blind yourself thinking she will be unhappy with you, because she has showed you what she does with her "unhappiness" time, you should not care if she is happy or not your priority should be you and your happiness. I say confront her and and leave her, you will hurt today, but heal tomorrow you deserve much better please don't blind yourself and dumb her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 March 2010):
Relax, I won't judge you. You were a saint for taking her back, and she has now proved that she is really that low. A woman who would lie and cheat for that long. Yes, confront her, and get rid of her. You might think you want her to be unhappy with you, but that won't happen. All she will do is continue to see him and have the best of both worlds. The best thing you can do is get rid of her and move on. She may not actually ever really be happy with him. An affair is one thing. But that's all she knows with this guy. She hasn't seen the ups and downs. Just the ups. And he's probably just using her for sex anyway. Chances of it working out are low. Chances of you being able to move on and find a woman a BILLION times better are much higher. Why settle for a fourth rate wife when there are many better, more trustworthy and caring women out there, one of whom will be perfect for you.
It's time you looked out for yourself and left this woman
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