A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes:Hi Everyone, You may remember some of my posts about my text cheating husband. Well, things are no better (because basically I can't move on). Last Fri/Sat he went on a golfing do for a mate's 60th birthday and when he returned home I started accusing him of all sorts. I had a lot to drink on Saturday night and went ballistic. I can't remember the details cos I was really drunk but I was screaming and yelling about the texting 'affair' and started hyperventilating. My husband said he would call an ambulance and got hold of me by the hair to try and make me calm down (I was banging my head against the wall and am so ashamed as I type this now). The next day I was mortified at what I'd done but then keep thinking if he hadn't done what he did I wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place. He loves me to bits and nothing I do makes him love me less but I am totally out of control over my feelings and actions and can't accept he sex texted another woman and had an emotional bond with her. I don't know if anyone can give me any suggestions or support or have been through anything similar but after nearly 2 years since I first found out, things are if anything worse because I just can't accept my husband has done that to me. People on here at the time suggested counselling and I thank them for their concern but I really can't see how a counsellor could rid my head of the turmoil I'm going through. PS. he has been the model husband since I found out about the 'affair' and is so full of remorse that I actually believe how much he hates himself for doing it. He has even pulled out of his annual golf holiday to Spain with his mates because he is so frightened of my reaction and the misery that will follow. Trouble is, this is no way to lead a marriage. HELP!!!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 March 2010):
 I've been reading the old threads on your situation. Man, are you STUCK! You have made no headway, have you? I'm so sorry. You never did tell me about the relationship between your mother and your father. Care to try now?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 March 2010):
I missed this one, in which your husband wanted to see a counselor. And you declined! http://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-anyone-help-me-with-my-doubts-about.html
I don't think you need a marriage counselor per se, I truly believe you need a highly trained, qualified, mental health professional in the from of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Someone with a lot of clinical experience helping people through these types of breakdowns.
You don't want to see the psychiatrist because that would be admitting that YOU have a problem, and that you can't blame it all on your husband? Is that it?
SB, you're right back where we found you the first time. So, let's consider what the situation might have been right now if you HAD gone to get that psychotherapy. You MIGHT be more attuned to your inner demons and your fears, rational and irrational. You MIGHT have had some new coping strategies introduced that would have given you ways to deal with the stresses you've faced. You MIGHT have been 6 months into the healing process by now. Instead, sadly, you are smack dab right there where you were. Fearful, unhappy, and hurting. You MIGHT be feeling happier, centered, even celebratory at the new you.
Come on now, I know that deep down inside you, past that fear and anger and anguish, there's that little part of you that wants to get better. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't that part. Go get the help you need. Be brave.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/update-on-text-cheating-husband.html
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 March 2010):
You can't see through the turmoil in your brain to consider how a counselor could help you. I think you secretly don't want to have the turmoil removed. I think you get some sort of awful satisfaction out of being hurt, so deeply hurt and betrayed by your husband that in your heart of hearts, you subconsciously do not want to have things improve. This is your new "normal," your status quo, for you to be upset, obsessed and unhappy. There's something inside you that is so angry and unhappy that it is making you absolutely miserable.
Yet you won't even TRY something that has worked for other people. Puzzling.
Look, I know I'm being a bit harsh in my words here but you need to shift your thinking a bit. You are STUCK. You are in exactly the same place you were a year ago. You have done no real healing, you have no clue how to control your emotions. You somehow gain satisfaction (I'm not saying this is a conscious decision on your part, btw) from going ballistic and going so nutso that you bang your head on the wall. This is not a healthy way to cope with the stress.
So, here we are, you haven't been able to do it on your own, you're in the same place and you blow off the prime suggestion--getting a trained professional to help--that might actually begin to get to the real problem. Whatever that problem is that you are so diligently avoiding confronting. You don't want to tackle it with the help of a real professional because you secretly do not want to be helped. You LIKE it here in your misery. You feel comfortable here, even if it hurts, because it's a KNOWN misery.
That other thing, that place you don't want to go to, THAT'S what's scaring you. You're deathly afraid of confronting that THING, that PLACE, because that's where YOU are naked and alone and unprotected.
SB, you and I have talked on DC here before. I know you are an intelligent woman with a good grasp of language and ideas. But you have made ZERO progress, I'm very sad to see. ZERO. That's not a good thing.
I believe it was Albert Einstein who said something along the lines of, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, hoping that there will be a different outcome." You are doing the same things, over and over. How's that working out for you? Not well. Not well at all.
Go find a highly trained, qualified psychiatrist or psychologist, and get to the root of the problem. Everything else is just a waste of your efforts. You're wasting your life in a hellhole of misery when you don't have to be.
I hope you finally confront this truth. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): oh scrambled brain.........it never ends does it. now a model hb but when he was sexting (who knows what else) where was his marital fidelity. you say counselling cannot help you. i just think it is stubborness on your part to pretend that all is well. if the trained counsellors cannot help then who are we on DC to attempt to help. You have continued to post here as your marriage spirals mout of control. Deep down you know the sad truth BUT i can understand why you pretend. sometimes it just is easier. I have said it all the time and will try to say it again: you cannot trust this man, he is a cold, calculating, manipulative bastard. How many posts have you had here on DC , approx 100(?) i have read them all. I have read the details of your hb and as a character reference i will only say it is bad. do yourself a favour hun - become financially fit. read all my responses to you, some sympathetic others hard hitting. my responses remain the same. you cannot and should not trust his mere word. remember his second cell phone where he used to contact the oher women? remember his deliberate deceit. think. be wise and be pro active. start doing your financial homework. you are stubborn and sometimes someones stubborness can be admired BUT not in this instance. I hope one day you can make peace with your hbs email, sexting, emotional cheating, lets not forget him buying the other woman jewellery and lieing to you, I can go on and on pin pointing the "indesretions" you have divulged here on DC but suffice it to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. he strayed, you are suffering. he lied, you are suffering. he cheated , you are suffering. In the end when you destroy your life, then what. For the past 2 years you have morned the loss of the marriage vows. STOP IT. i know nothing i say here will make you change your mind, but learn to move on , either WITH OR WITHOUT HIM. i think you know how I view your cheating hb. i have no kind words to say about him. WHY? because I see the emotional manipulative man that he is and I see him slowly destroying you. ONLY YOU CAN STOP THIS WEB OF DESTRUCTION.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 March 2010):
The counsellor will help you to understand your feelings. You say you don't understand why he did it. A counsellor can help you understand why.
If you can't see a counsellor though, and can't face this, then you need to end it. I know he cheated, and I know he hurt you very much. But he is trying to fix this. So it's really in your court now. Decide whether you will do what it takes to fix it, which means going to a counsellor, or end it.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (30 March 2010):
I am in a mood myself today so I have moved away from touchy feely replies. How you can say he loves me to bits etc I am speechless, what on earth does he act like this. You think he loves you, please please just wake up and look around at what is happening to you?
He does not love you otherwise he would not have acted like this. Look at the mess your in? You need the counsellor I fear to resolve where your going when this is finished?
Face it your husband is a liar and a cheat? Tell him to leave today!
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