A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 3 yrs and have a little boy. I have not been happy in my marriage for a few years now, just feel as though I'm not appreciated and feel tied to the kitchen sink. Recently I have been confiding in a male friend at work and stupidly met up with him and ended up kissing. My husband found messages on Facebook and found out that we had met up so I moved out with my little boy. During the separation me and this other man did end up having sex. Now me and my husband are trying to work things out, I have cut all ties with the other man. I haven't told my husband what happened when we were separated and I really don't know whether to. I really wouldn't have done this if I thought there was a chance of us getting back together. Should I tell him everything?
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male
reader, Tbonex  +, writes (11 June 2011):
 You've been married for 3 years now and haven't been happy for a few years now? That sounds like most of the marriage. Should you confess to your husband? It all depends... do you truly love this man? Remember what you said during your vows? Of course, the devil loves to take any innocence humans have left in their soul. Follow your heart.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011):
This is a very tough question and I have debated the answer with myself for almost 12 hours. Part of me says that you should be honest. I would want my spouse to be honest with me no matter the consequences. However, another part of me says that for the sake of the relationship it is probably best not to mention it. He may very well leave you if he finds out how far it went. I think I would. On the other hand, you might feel guilty about and it later tell him or else he will find out in some other way and leave you anyway. Personally, if I were in your shoes I would avoid telling him about the sex. He probably guesses as much anyway, but to confirm it might be very damaging. To me it is like salt in a wound.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (11 June 2011):
 No if you have cut the ties to this other man, and plan to be faithful from here on out, don't mention it. Just move on and hopefully you can put your marriage back together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): Hi I do believe you when you say you thought your husband and you would not last. But you really need to look at why that is and how he was not meeting some of your needs or if they were actually needs at all or maybe some selfishness on your part? When you realise what was missing ie needs or selfishness, you will be able to decide if you should tell him and go to him in complete honesty, which will free you both on how to move forward in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): you had issues with your hubby that made you feel tied down ... wot did you do to try improve things b4 the kiss? .. as you had problems b4 i think it will only be a matter of time b4 you feel tied down again then wot will you do? .. tell the truth and do wot is best for your child, but been with someone isnt always the answer .. tell him the truth wot have you got to loose? you have more to gain ..these things always come out in the end ...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): You were already a cheater before your hb found out about the other mans existence. You only left your hb bec you wanted this other man so you caused upheaval in your little boys life for your own selfish deeds.Your plan was to meet up with your hbs replacement therefore u left your hb. Very convenient!Of course you have to tell your hb. Are u sure u are not now pregnant? Tied to the kitchen? What else are you now tied to? Another man, now not only are you a wife but a cheating wife on top of this! Your hb deserves to know the truth. This was not a mistake but a deliberate plan of action by yourself for yourself. Bec you wanted another man, you hurt your hb even more by taking his kid away from him. This was utterly selfish and totally devious of you.Now that u got what u wanted and got the sexual release u were seeking, you are now trying to make your marriage work. You messed up by seeking out another man. Now u want to compound it by keeping this vital fact from him.OP, if you lie and pretend that u didn't do anything wrong, then what's the use of trying to salvage your marriage. Basically then your hb is actually better off without you in his life. Plse realise that u choose to throw away your marriage, not your hb. From what u have written, it seems as though You are the problem in your marriage and your hb just became a bystander.To the Anon female who mentioned that the hb left the OP, plse read properly. The OP quickly left her hb, taking his kid away bec she wanted to be with the other man.Isn't it funny how the females say hide your cheating and the male want you to do the right thing and tell the truth.LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): I really feel that honesty is the best policy even if its not nice it has to be done, your husband has a right to know and the longer you leave it the worse it will be to tell him. I fit comes out by anyone else but you he will be even more devestated and the trust will be gone, i know its hard to confess all my god i think we have all been there in one way or another but if u want peace of mind and a clean slate then this is probably your best bet. Try and concentrate on your relationship, the grass isnt greener on the side and you seem like an honest person otherwise this wouldnt be eating you up insise, i guess what it comes down to is how much guilt you can live with, i dont doubt that you love your husband and that you are sorry about your actions, but if there is anyway that this could get out or you have told anybody then tell him now before he finds out, good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): A clean slate is the only thing that will work OP, so yes you do have to come clean. But for god sake don't tell him the nitty gritty details. You had sex and that was it. Unless of course that sex was unprotected, including unprotected oral. In that case getting checked is a must.
OP he needs to know, if you want to resolve this. There's no point in trying to work through this if you're going to keep things bottled up still. That's pretty much how you got into this mess in the first place. You bottled things up and turned to another man to satisfy your needs.
OP if you don't tell him this then you're going to have it hanging over your relationship. He needs to know so he can get over that too, not be ambushed by it sometime in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): I hoestly don't think it serves any purpose to confess. I think it is best to forget what happened and get on with your life, and if ever comes out which I don't think it will just deny it.no need to be idealist.we all make mistakes.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (10 June 2011):
 He deserves to know what he's getting into if you're going to get back with him. If you feel tied to the kitchen, would I be correct in assuming he's the primary breadwinner? If so, that only increases his right to know who he's providing for. Tell him, it's the right thing to do.
Now, if/when you get back with him (and you should, so your son can have his parents), think about what you could do differently to make things work this time. You'll have to change yourself first, then stay that way for a long time, before you can ask your husband to change - set an example, otherwise he'll just assume you're only pretending to change just long enough to get what you want out of him.
Why not confide in your husband when you have problems? He may not listen, at first, because most men respond to complaints by trying to fix them, even though most of the time when women complain they just want someone to sit still and sympathize. Explain that to him. Tell him if he'll just listen to you complain about something for fifteen minutes, he won't have to actually change anything, just show his support. He probably won't understand at first, but give him time.
Feeling trapped once in a while is normal. Part of marriage is giving up a significant amount of your own freedom in order to achieve something you could not otherwise achieve - have a child and raise it in a stable two-parent environment. Build a life together. Connect with someone more securely than you otherwise could. If you deal with it properly, the trapped feeling goes away. If you let it fester, it gets worse.
Withdrawing, cheating, and taking a man's kid away are some of the biggest steps you could take in the wrong direction. Aren't you feeling more stressed out now than you were before? Stop moving towards breaking the marriage, and start moving towards fixing it - first and foremost by working on yourself. Good luck, for your son's sake as much as for yours.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I basically endorse what Caring Guy has said to you. I think in terms of the rights/wrongs in general this can be a bit of a grey area but in this instance you should come clean. You need a clear slate and you wont get that, even if what Caring Guy does not come to pass and your husband doesnt find out I still think this will eat you up inside and cause big problems further down the line. If I am honest, I think whatever you decide now you will end up telling him and if you leave it then it may well end the marriage for good.
Better do it now than leave it till later. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 June 2011):
I think there are so many problems in your marriage that for it to actually work in an honest and open manner, you have to come clean. If you'd never kissed him when you were together, then this wouldn't have been a problem. But you did originally cheat with this man, and went on very quickly to have sex with him even if you were apart. Also, it's not like you came clean about the kiss before either. He found the emails. So if this ever comes out through someone else, or by accident, he will assume that you were cheating for a long time.
I think because of the way you are feeling, because of the previous kiss, you need to come clean. Unless you do, this will just be built upon a lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): If you know, 100%, that your husband will never find out about the sex...then NO. it might sound surprising, but I actually think it's the right thing to do in this situation.
Why would you tell him? So you no longer feel guilty? If he was upset enough to leave you for kissing this man, imagine how HURT he would be to know you had sex with him. He would be tormented by this mental image.
Now if there is any chance he might find out, then you have to tell him.
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