A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im engaged to be married to the most wonderful man in the world he is my soul mate and i love him more than anything and anyone in the world. Unfortunately i was very immature when we first got together and for the first 6 months or so of our relationship i cheated a few times. I was always very drunk (i no its no excuse i jus said i'd point it out) and it was never with the same person. I realise now how sluttish my behaviour was and i truely regret it. We hav been together for 2 and a half years now and i have been totally faithful since after the first 6 months. Lately the guilt is becoming to much and i have wrote a long letter of confession. Should i tell all and hope he forgives me or should i kept it to myself to avoid breakin his heart?PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, Lily Bell  +, writes (21 November 2007):
That would be considered brutal honesty and since your behavior has changed I don't think you should say anything.
What is your motivation here -- so YOU can feel better and in the end you both feel terrible.
What's in the past is past, let it stay there.
A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Never, ever, ever tell him about this. You are faithful to him now and you have already adjusted your head correctly on that. But to tell him about the few times you cheated when you were still just getting you know each other would hurt him needlessly... You might feel unburdened by confessing to him, but it would crush him. He may even just forgive you, but that is not the issue here.
I was in a similar situation when I first dated my then future wife. It so happened that one week after my first date with my wife, I did sleep with another girl I had made a date with, a one night stand. But at that time my relationship with my future wife was just starting out, and I hadn't slept with her yet. I felt guilty about what I did for sure. But if I had ever confessed that who knows how she would have reacted...maybe we would never have married.... (Then again, I should have, I'm divorcing her now)
But my advice is to keep that information to yourself. If you feel so guilty about it talk to a good friend about it, but don't hit your fiancé with it. You just have to live with the guilt, but don't potentially ruin your life with the man who is to be your husband. If you love him like you say you do then holding this secret is the best thing you can do.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Hi,
Telling your boyfriend may very well give you some peace of mind, but don't you think that would be a rather selfish thing to do? What reaction would you expect from him? This is not a one off, you behaved like this for 6 months, he would find it hard to accept this.
You say you are a reformed character, I believe you as you seem very sincere about owning up to your past mistakes. But if you want to build a future with your man you have to forget about the past, you need to find a way to deal with this yourself as unless your man is incredibly forgiving chances are he will not want to share a future with you.
If you dont think there is any way you can hold it in, then at least tell him before you get married, you dont want to be a young divorcee do you? It's not a great way to start a marriage with someone.
Keep it to yourself, nobody wins if you tell him, and you have accepted your faults and have the discipline to committ yourself to this one man. That's all that should matter now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): You should tell him. If he loves you the way you love him he will be unbelievably upset and untrusting for some time, but he will get over it. Otherwise it will eat you up forever and he will begin to notice that something is wrong, this happened to me. I know you think it's for the best to keep it from him, it's not. You may need to give him a couple of months even to come to terms with it, but you will never be able to forget about it unless you tell him. One word of warning - he may want to go over every tiny detail of everything that happened over and over again, do not put up with this, after you have answered his questions about the whole thing ONCE, make it very clear to him kindly but firmly that it is in the past and that you two can talk about the situation but he cannot be emotionally abusing you for what you did. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 If you tell him he could leave you.
You need to decide whether you will ever tell him, or not. If you will, now is the time, before you are married, because that gives him a chance to decide whether or not he wants to marry you. To tell him in 10 years would be totally unfair. It's now or never.
But if you feel that you can bury this within yourself and never raise it again, then you can not tell him. He'll never know and you can live with him trusting you totally.
There's no easy answer. After what you did you don't really deserve an easy answer. But your choice is clear.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Hi
Oooops, thats a tricky one. Well golden rule for me is always...will telling someone something thats in the past make their life better? If not then dont do it. If its in the past and you have no intention of doing it again, it should stay there. You will have to deal with the guilt yourself. Its not fair to offload it onto him if you are happy together and planning a future. If hes at risk of being told by someone else then you should tell him. But if not, leave it where it belongs. In the past.
And seek some counselling to deal with the guilt.
All the best.
C xxxx
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