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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have a longtime friend… maybe some of you have one just like her… someone who’s funny, interesting and… always needs something. Here’s some background: Over the years I helped her a lot. The last time she needed help big time, I ended up doing extensive research for her book and translated about 30 pages, for free, of course. I didn’t think anything of it, until some friends and my husband pointed out that she hadn’t mentioned me in the acknowledgments and she hadn’t given me a copy of the book. I didn’t get angry, I felt a bit stupid. And stupidly, I’ve never brought this up. I let it slide.A few days ago, she called me and started complaining how her project is going down the drain, there were some budgetary issues and she needed someone to translate about 50 pages for her new book, for free. I didn’t offer my services. She then said that she could maybe do it herself, but that she’ll need someone to go over it. Again, I said nothing. And when we were about to finish the conversation, she asked me if I could take a look. I told her that it is a lot of work and that I can’t commit to it, especially since the summer is here and holidays are about to start. She still insisted that she would send a few pages at a time, when she can... I told her that I didn't have time and that she should find somebody who was available.Funny thing, now that I have written all down, I feel that I did the right thing ,turning her down. But I would still like some perspective :)Thank you! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 June 2019):
 OP, my advice?
Keep the discussion of this with the "mutual" friend to a minimum. Just stick to the " I don't have the time". Because if the "mutual" will tell YOU about the other friend complaining, she might also tell her what you said...
No need for drama over setting boundaries. It's perfectly normal to NOT want to be taken advantage of or simply, NOT having the time to do "free" work for a friend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2019): She called you with the express intent of getting more unappreciated, unacknowledged and free help from you. As you said, this is not a quick favour, it would involve a lot of time commitment from you.
I think what makes you feel like refusing though, is the fact that she is now treating you badly. She called you and dropped hints that she now wanted your services for nothing, again. She didn't even have the grace to apologise for taking advantage of your nice nature before and she didn't ask you to help and offer to pay this time.
She is a user and no-one likes to be used.
I think you were absolutely spot on and I'd love to have seen her face when she realised she wasn't dealing with a pushover. Well done!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 June 2019):
 What happens if YOU need help from your friend? Does she willingly put herself out? I ask because the failure to acknowledge your contribution towards her book does not sit well with me but then I wonder if she makes up for your help by being of help to you at other times? Does she ask about YOUR life or does she only ever tell you what is going on in hers?
If this is a one way friendship, then I would say definitely do NOT put yourself out for her again. However, if she repays your help in other ways, then you need to weigh up what you are getting in exchange for YOUR help.
I have a friend who is very "high maintenance". There is always some drama in her life. There is always something wrong. My "help" is being there for her, listening and empathizing/sympathizing/taking her mind off the latest issue by making her laugh. This happens on a frequent basis. HOWEVER, whenever I have had crises and dramas in my own life, or suffered loss, she has ALWAYS been there for me. In fact, she often feels these incidents more deeply than I do. Our friendship works because it is give and take.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (19 June 2019):
 OP don't give it another thought. You were polite and respectful but refused to the bait. She used you and wasn't grateful for your hard work. A true friend would have thanked you or acknowledged you or perhaps even give you a gift and let you know that you were appreciated. Let her do all the work herself or hire someone and maybe she'll wake up and realize how kind you are really are!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2019): Thank you so much for your replies and support!
It's hard to change and start setting boundaries, and it is hard for people around us to accept that.
The friend who asked me for a favor, complained to a mutual friend how surprised she was by the fact that I turned her down so quickly and easily, without giving all the facts. So when this mutual friend called to tell me, she was surprised to hear what I had been asked to do for free.
Thank you again!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 June 2019):
 Totally agree with the other posters. No problem with not allowing someone to take advantage of you or your time. Perhaps her having to pay someone will have her come to realise how much your generosity saved her the first time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2019): Absolutely! You handled it marvelously! You were polite, tactful, and honest. Bravo!
Friends should be grateful and should appreciate when someone bends-over backwards to be generous and helpful in a time of need. I think you deserved acknowledgement and a credit, considering you put-in so much work. A mention in the acknowledgements would have been an honor and a fine tribute to your contribution. That's how most writers offer their appreciation to those who make their work possible. Especially a friend you hold in high regard!
You were quite gracious, and a true friend expects nothing in return. However, it was obvious she wanted to take advantage of you the second-time around. You handled it like a pro. She should find someone else, if she doesn't want to show her appreciation. Yet she has the nerve to comeback for even more! That's really selfish and not very classy of her.
You didn't refuse out of pettiness or vindictiveness. You had to set reasonable boundaries. Costly expertise isn't frivolously tossed around and wasted on freebies. She didn't receive it as a kindly gesture of friendship and a privilege; suddenly it has become an entitlement.
Well done!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 June 2019):
*chuckles*
Yes, you did the right thing. She "tried" to throw hints for you to volunteer and you didn't take the bait.
You don't OWE her any work. Not for free.
IT it HER JOB to DO her job and unless she can PAY you for your time, I think it's TOTALLY OK to say no, I can't do this.
Having boundaries IS OK!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2019): You did enough for her already so do not feel bad. What has she done for you?
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