A
male
age
30-35,
*ether
writes:Hey everyone, I guess I am considering breaking up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years.For the past 6 months I feel we have been drifting apart romantically.Sex went from once every 2 weeks to once every 2 months. I stopped sleeping in the same bed because I didn't want to desire to have sex (as she would never put in the effort or try avoid it, and I know it's not because I am bad at it), so I protected myself from that pain by detaching.I think she stopped because she knew a part of me still can't accept her completely, and she's right.She's 30 years older than me, and if I commit, 5 years down the track she will be 65, and I will be 33. I don't think I want that future, although I do love her very much and she is well above average attractiveness for her age (many women my own age I don't find as attractive).Someone else also messaged me recently expressing interest and I've been very conflicted. She seems nice, and likely has similar values. Value issues have been a problem in my current relationship.My current girlfriend also owns the place I live in. So I might have to completely change my life. I don't have a lot of money either, so I don't have much freedom.There are also a lot of difficulties in dating someone this much older. I keep it a secret from most people, even my parents. But my girlfriend is a good person and would do anything for me. I have known her for 11 years too, so she is a major part of my life.I think if I chose to, I could work things out with my current girlfriend, but part of me just doesn't want to. I feel very conflicted. I probably shouldn't want to consider other people.I don't know what I'm asking, aside from outside input for the clarity I can't seem to find myself. Thank you
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (9 June 2020):
 If you part amicably and on friendly terms, could you still help her with her business when she needed it? It does not sound from your post like you have any other job so this would help you both.
As for your options being limited, do you not have any friends or family members from whom you could rent a room/bedsit? If you already pay rent, this should not be impossible. Or rent a room in a shared house? I know the situation is difficult at the moment with all the global health worries but the lock down is starting to ease. Are you able to look for a job to support yourself?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): Your relationship has run its course, and your girlfriend already knows it. She sees the changes and restlessness in you; thus you will see the changes in her.
If you don't have a lot of money; I will just assume that she also pays most of the bills, not only being the owner of the house where you live.
I suggest that you should breakup, and move on.
She doesn't deserve to have someone conflicted about his feelings, and keeping her a secret. You usually hide what you're ashamed of.
If she has never met your folks; she has finally come to her senses, and now knows the reality of this type of mismatched-relationship.
Apparently, the novelty of your May/December romance has warn-off; and there's someone else in your sites. Let her down easy, and be considerate of her feelings.
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A
male
reader, Aether +, writes (8 June 2020):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow. I was really run through the mud on this.I do appreciate the effort and the honesty.If I was to write every detail about the relationship and paint myself in a more positive light, this would have been much too long. I want to lay a defence of my character though.As for being a user, I have actually dedicated a lot of my effort to her running her business. Being there for her when she needed it. But I have lapsed in that regard of late. My heart isn't in it like hers is, but she may not be able to do it alone. Equally, she may be afraid of me leaving because she won't have me to fall back on. As for never having loved her, that is incorrect. She has been a major part of my life for a long time, most of it outside of dating and much outside of living at the same place.As for keeping it a secret, it was largely her idea, but I agreed to avoid drama on my side. It still is suspicious and the whole relationship we have had to look over our shoulders.As for a free meal ticket, it is true it's easier here, but I help out a lot, cook, and pay rent. I am not looking to be a layabout, I have high personal goals. The easier living here has helped me a lot with them and I am open about everything.I spoke to her about my feelings today and she seemed to understand completely, and agree with me things were pretty complicated and I am actually the one that was upset. I'm glad I did not upset her.I told her she is a good person and I love her, but I feel my heart has been slowly pulling away for a while now.We will figure out what the repercussions are of this soon.I think if it was meant to be any longer, I wouldn't have all these inner conflicts. I am also not going to jump straight into another relationship. Thanks everyone for your help. It did help push me to deal with this today.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 June 2020):
She deserves better. You know your heart is not in this relationship. You sound like you are only staying because it's free/cheap lodgings. You have already distanced yourself from her physically and emotionally.
Start looking for a place of your own and move out. Only after you have done that and broken up with your girlfriend should you be even considering other women.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): The reason that you feel conflicted sir, is because you are a user of people! You Do Not love this woman in a romantic way nor have you ever! What man keeps the woman of his desire, a secret, from friends, from family? Let me answer for you: A man of questionable character! What is done in secret, is done in secret because it is either shady, wrong, dishonest, illegal, or immoral! You are mooching off the woman who you are living with, and I would venture to say that if you worked hard at a job, the way an honest man does, that you would have more of your own money! What you want though is a free meal ticket! Sir, you need to look inside your own heart and judge your own behaviors, because one day, each and every single one of us, will stand before our HOLY CREATOR, to give account for every thought, word, and deed! Be honest with this woman and be honest with yourself, Please! I will pray for you, Friend!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): Yup stop free loading and using her like she your mummy ..you love her .. hmm yes like a mother and son and being honest that isn't fair on her ... move out and back with your parents or new younger girlfriend ..
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (7 June 2020):
 It seems that you have both just naturally drifted apart, so probably best you just be open and honest with her and end things.
Normally i say that age is just a number at the end of the day, as long as its above the age of consent of course, and the people in question are ok with it. By your own admission you are already expressing doubt here saying that in five years time she will be 65 and you will be 33, going on to say that you don't think you want that future.
Also you are in a relationship that you keep secret from most people. Again this is not the grounds for a loving relationship.
It seems to me that you have got to many doubts here, and you have had your head turned by this person that has text you expressing interest.
Given this woman's age, do her a favour and end things with her so she can move on with her life.
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