A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloI’m hoping someone can give me some words of hope here. My husband and I have been separated 2 years now and I feel no better than I did on day one. He has moved on, has a new partner and seems happy most of the time. Normally we get on quite well but there are moments. Last year he went on holiday with his new partner and it was the worst 7days of my life, I could not pick myself up it was the worst I’ve ever felt. We have three children together and were married 20 years. We had a chat about what way we would work holidays for our kids and agreed that one year he would take our daughter who is considerably older than our sons and then rotate etc so in a matter of weeks my daughter is going on holiday with him, his new partner and her children and already I know I’m going to struggle to cope. I had planned a holiday for the same time to try and take my mind of it but mine has been cancelled. I guess I want to know if this is ever going to get easier? Why can he move on and I’m sat still doing nothing? Obviously I still love him, he was my whole life . I’ve tried to go out more but when I’m out I just want to be home, it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. I do t feel like I’m living, more existing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2020): Hi OP
Im so sorry that you are in this limbo and i can absolutely relate to how you feel. When my child's father left me I was completely devastated and spent many years hoping he would come back. He moved on, had several girlfriends yet I kept on hoping he would realise he missed me and I kept hoping for ten years.
I look back now and I realize I put my life on hold instead of seeing the reality. It was only when he got married and they had their own child I finally moved on.
Nothing anyone will say can move you out of how you feel and you look at things to see if there is hope he will return.
You didn't fail at the marriage you successfully spent a lot of years being a loving wife and raising your children together and STILL you think of them first and remain amicable with him. You clearly have a good heart and you're a loyal person but with that to move forward you have to accept the relationship has ended and he has moved on.
My advice to you is to pick a day, very soon and vow to yourself that you will look at ways to move on and forward in your life. A new hobby, doing things you enjoy, make an effort to meet friends and minimise trying to know or have contact with your ex. OP you have to be strong and vow to yourself enough is enough and YOU deserve to be happy, with or without a partner.
I finally and with no planning or intention to met my partner and I was in my forties like you. The relationships are incomparable, I loved my child's father but I found I could love again and almost certainly move on.
Ask yourself honestly what it will take for you to move forward in your life and be brave and work hard in doing that, you owe it to yourself x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2020): You can try to start in your self. Focus on your self. Love your self, make your self more pretty looking, dress your self nicely. Devide your attention to your children to your self and make friends, woman friends. Show him youre fine. The more you are getting down, the more he is getting better and moving on. When he see you getting better and doing fine, then it will click him a bit, and when you see that click, you will gain a self confidence. You will trust your self and thats the first step youre going to move on. One day, you will just gonna laugh about him.. best luck to you...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): Typo corrections:
"Resign yourself to the fact you will not get your 20 years back; but as nature would have it, you may have 40 to 50 more to go."
"That's the sad reality of life."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): People have their own ways of coping and adapting to life-changes. You don't just get-over a 20-year marriage with three children that easily.
Commonly, men don't show outward-emotion. Many have taught themselves how to internalize, by finding something to distract them from their feelings. It might be an expensive toy, becoming totally absorbed into his job, indulging in promiscuous-sex; or finding another romance to numb his feelings towards someone he had to leave...or whom had to leave him. Be it voluntarily, or involuntarily! Pain creeps up on him; and he puts on a good show like nothing can bother him. The bigger the show, the more discomfort and grief he's feeling. If the divorce was a nasty one, he feels nothing but relief and gratitude it's over.
If there is a history of incompatibility and turmoil in your past-life; he got over the relationship long ago. It was just a matter of becoming separated. You didn't emotionally prepare for separation; instead, you held-on to false-hope. Now you're consumed by jealousy, rejection, and your disappointment. Resign yourself to the fact you will not get your 20 years back; but as nature would have it, you may have 40 to 40 more to go. You'll likely outlive your ex!
I think people need to rough-it-out, and just take-hold of their feelings; rather than always running to a shrink. People survive divorces all the time; but some just take longer to recuperate from the emotional-damage and rejection. It's not weakness! It's the depth of your emotions, and the power of love. It's not always equal on both sides. That the sad reality of life.
Then it's that "stubborn-jealousy" that hits you; when you see your partner gallivanting around with somebody else!!! As if you were just a phase he went through. It hurts! I know exactly how that feels. You should seek professional-counseling, when your feel yourself spiraling-down into a depression or despair. That's a mental-health issue, and it should be attended to. Meanwhile, fight your way back with all your might! Pray, struggle, and crawl on your hands and knees back to normalcy!
Some people still find the strength within themselves to pull themselves out of it. That's what I did. First a partner of nearly 30 years died of cancer; then a few years later, I get blind-sided and dumped by somebody else. Following a quite lovely, but brief, romance. I refused to be defeated by doom and gloom. Jealousy ain't my shtick. I was brought-up having faith in God, and believing there is always hope.
I've maintained that spiritual-resource to this day!
Now about him. He may seem one-way on the outside; but he has his moments too. It's easy for him to strut around proud as a peacock; because you've been too preoccupied with his life to tend to your own! He doesn't feel the burn of jealousy or your rejection; because you haven't found anyone yet. You enable him by letting him know you're suffering, and haven't moved-on. That's an ego-boost; which gives him the emotional-edge. Like I mentioned earlier; he may have gotten over you years ago, and finally it all has come to a head.
You have to make up your mind that this is it! You can no longer be held captive to your mourning-period over a dead marriage. You've got to live, my dear! You're in the prime of your life!
You have to detach your concerns from what's happening in his life; and focus on your own. He is no longer "your life;" and he never should have been. That's a form of worship and idolatry; and no creature on earth deserves that. Save all that for God...He knows how to appreciate love and worship. He returns blessings for it!
Love is a powerful energy within us, a little piece of God. When you concentrate and pour all that you are into some other human being, they will take a big chunk of you with them when they go. That was a lesson I learned a long-time ago.
Love freely, and deeply; but never make another human being the center of your universe. Your children needed that kind of love from their parents; but they become adults who can fend for themselves. Their dependency is weakened by age and time. Their love remains, but they no longer need you to make the sacrifices you once had to, for the sake of their survival and well-being. As for another adult, who has committed to you in marriage; entirely draining yourself into that person was never necessary. All they needed was your love, faithfulness, trust, and devotion. Not your soul.
You may just need more time. You need to socialize, find a hobby, choose yourself a creative outlet, and seek spiritual-enlightenment through faith and worship. Life void of feeding the spirit, is also void of peace and tranquility. Your soul was given to a man who is now with somebody else. You can take it back. Anytime you want to! It seems you're quite stubborn! I meant that in a gentle-way! Not as an insult!
Give yourself time. Stop doing too much follow-up on his every move! Cease and desist from studying on his progress. Concentrate on yourself. You gave your family everything they've needed. Now this is your time.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 June 2020):
 Hi OP,
Sorry to hear about your marriage.
Yes...thing will get better. How long it takes to get better totally depends on you.
You have invested 20 years plus of your life to someone, and that is no easy task to get over. You have put up with their crap, bend over backwards for them, and when things get a little rough, they run. It hurt even more because here you are...still ready for next 20 years...good and the bad.
Now comes the rebuild stage...There is a saying..."If you weak in a crisis, then you are weak indeed."
You have looked after your ex, three kids, and a home. I am sure no weak woman could pull that off. So now it's just a matter of changing the way you think. If you keep thinking you need him to complete you, then you will be stuck exactly where you are now. You are already way stronger than any man. Takes us two minutes to get you pregnant. Takes you 9 months of strength to give birth, and how many more years of strength before the leave home. You have gone above and beyond already. He is not needed for the rest. He probably just get in your way anyways.
If you keep thinking you won't find happiness again, then you won't. When you think of your ex...Think...Bitch please...I got this... Challenge Accepted!!! You think marriage was hard?? You try pushing 3 watermelons out any of your holes, then talk to me about hard. Trust me...If we men were the ones having babies, there would only one child in every family. No way on this green Earth that we are woman enough to have more than one child.
This is nothing more than a test of your will and your strength. Step up to it...Head up...Chest out...Shoulders back...Feet ready for action...Bra tied around your forehead like RAMBO!!! BRING IT!!! I may bend, but I DO NOT BREAk!!!
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A
male
reader, Aether  +, writes (8 June 2020):
I really feel for you, I do. I can feel how upsetting this is as I read further into your question.When we don't have a new life of our own, we hyperfocus on the past, and the people that are experiencing what we would like to experience. We get envious, depressed, and feel worthless. This is harder for you because your children connect you to it.Two years have passed and you are still very strongly attached. Do you still have hope that he will change his mind? Do you still see him as the source of the love that you need?The only choice is moving on. You can't hang around until his mind changes and it seems like it won't. You need to be able to stop seeing him as the source of your potential fulfillment.You were very correct when you said you need hope. How do you move on?By creating something motivating to move on to. There is no other choice. The question remaining is how?I don't have the answer because this is a very personal journey for everyone. You need to build a life from things you find meaningful. You need to do some exploration. Find space to think and clear your mind. Perhaps some internal work is needed with a therapist. Take a tour of a country you've always wanted to see.You'll need to regain a sense of yourself and your own goals and values. You've had years of practice of your brain telling you that your husband is that goal, but fight that urge. I am an optimist, I believe everyone can develop a vision and find meaning in their lives. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): He has dealt you the side swipe of a narcissist by replacing you but leaving you to carry on raising the family alone while he pops in now and again to " support " you!But this was not what you agreed when you got married.He has manoeuvres while you have stayed paralysed with his scorpion sting.Investigate everything relating to narcissists if you want to disinvest of his 'love' a little.Learn to say: 'I don't love you anymore!'Don't force or expect yourself to go out.Just take a sideways move and alter your hair colour and return the ring.Tell him that he is no longer your knight in shining armour.And be good to yourself and your younger kids.Plan a few happy outing for when the time is right to lift their spirits.You are a single woman comparing yourself to a happy couple who are trying to project a happy image.See that they will have problems later but for now the fact that they appear on the surface to have it all is steadily undermining your confidence and eroding your ability to be happy.You can make new friends but for now you concentrate on understanding yourself and how a narcissist can leave you with a feeling that you have little left to live for..which is, yet again another false perception.
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