A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I know whether to break up with my boyfriend? I know that sounds like such an idiotic question. But we've been together for 8 years. I've never had a boyfriend other than him. We get along great. He's lovely to me and treats me really well. I feel like the time has come to make the next step and live together and then get married etc. But I still don't want that. Surely after 8 years of being together I should? At the moment I still live at home in a little town. Being completely honest I am ready to leave home but prefer the idea of moving to the city and living with a friend. My boyfriend got a job at the age of 16 and has done well working his way up the company. I on the other hand stayed at school and am just about to finish. I know he's been waiting for me to finish so we can move in etc but I just don't think that's what I want. He keeps telling me how he knows he wants to be with me forever and despite being happy in the relationship at the present, Im unsure about us being together forever. I feel like were on slightly different wave lengths like I'm really ambitious and want to go far in my chosen career and want to see abit of the world. He is happy in his job, doesn't have any ambition to travel and is quite happy to live in the same village where he grew up. I've mentioned this to him and he's said he'll accompany me to wherever I want to go and whatever I want to do. I know this is so nice and thoughtful of him. But I want him to want to do those things. Not just do everything I want to do. I've also said that I'll do anything that he asks in terms of what he wants to accomplish in his life and his response was Im happy with just having you, I don't need or want to do anything or go anywhere. Which I know is so lovely. But I just wish he had more ambition. Does anyone have any insight into what I should do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 November 2013):
 You do sound bored- but I don't think it's a temporary mood, you guys sound extremely incompatible.
I wonder how come it took you 8 years to realize it, and why did you think just having around someone loyal, affectionate, loving ,devoted etc. is enough to have a "forever " type relationship. AS you can see noe, it is obviously not. Those are wonderful qualities, but if they were ALL a human need in life, - nobody would get married and everybody would just adopt Labradors or Golden retrievers.
I won't lie to you, I think that if you do ddecide to break up- it's going to be messy, or at least there is no way to make it relatively paonless It will hurt - both of you, for different reason.
I still think though you should break up.
The reader ,anonymous who says that this guy is a real prize, and that after him you might get some hard knocks out there in the dating world, is probably correct
So what ?
A prize has to be the right prize for YOU. If I won a Ferrari Testarossa ( with no chance to echange it for money , of course:) I'd just be very frustrated. I don't drive anymore, so this beautiful prize is useless to me. I'd appreciate more a scooter or a bycicle, although I know they are less valuable.
As for the disappointments, mistakes, false starts, hard knocks you might come across in your future dating life- yes, that's possible. But I think that there's still more happiness in dealing with setbacks and failures while you live the life you really want , than in having everything peaceful and pleasant in the groove where you misguidedly got stuck in against your heart's desire.
A
female
reader, Marie59 +, writes (4 November 2013):
I dated someone for two years and had the same problem. It was a rough breakup (especially for him) because we had been together for awhile. But as soon as we did break up, i noticed how much happier i had become. I had realized that he was holding me back from my dreams and that as we may have been great for eachother in the begining, we both had changed and realized more about ourselves. We grew apart. I feel like the best thing for you to do right now would be to evaluate your situation and look at it from a third person point of view "am i really happy?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): Take a break from the relationship tell him what you told thousands of people on line. Date other men and truly find out what having your heart broken can be like and the chance of getting some sexually transmitted disease. Maybe a few years in the school of hard knocks in this wild dating scene that exists out there will give you a valuable life lesson. He was lovely while he stroked your ego but why did you let this go on for eight years? This is not really fair to him. You know you are not compatible not think your not. Read the other forums about all the unhappiness and dating abuse that goes on in this world. You can rest assured once you give this marvelous man up that another women will pick him up and he will never ever talk to you again. You really do not deserve this fantastic man. Give yourself a shake. These kind of men you know have do not grow on trees.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): You said, "He keeps telling me how he knows he wants to be with me forever and despite being happy in the relationship at the present, Im unsure about us being together forever. I feel like were on slightly different wave lengths like I'm really ambitious and want to go far in my chosen career and want to see abit of the world. He is happy in his job, doesn't have any ambition to travel and is quite happy to live in the same village where he grew up."I don't think you guys are that compatible.It sounds like my last relationship.At first, I thought we agreed on all of the "important" things, but it turned out that we didn't. He cared too much about money, something I really don't care about. He was afraid to move/travel, and I can't wait to do those things. There were more but I won't go into them here.Anyway, I am NOT telling you to break up. That's something you have to decide for yourself, and it's a really difficult thing to undo if you change your mind and realize you made a mistake. But it sounds like you are unhappy…and, based on the issues you described, it doesn't sound like something that can be fixed with better communication, etc.However, I'm only 23…so there are a lot of things I still don't know, I'm sure.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (3 November 2013):
 I recently saw a movie, Hemingway and Gellhorn, about the marriage of Ernest Hemingway to the great journalist and writer Martha Gellhorn.
At one point in her narration she states, "People say that jealousy is the greatest enemy of love. They're wrong; the greatest enemy of love is boredom."
You have a great guy, with a good job, who loves you a lot. But you seem bored.
You could tell him you want more, want to go somewhere and experience things. And maybe even not with him.
The result may be moving on to something exciting and NEW. But it could also mean losing something that many people spend half their life looking for.
Worse, you may NEED to do something new and exciting in order to ultimately appreciate the guy you have and the life you could have!
Hope I've made it confusing enough. :-)
Point is, you have a good problem. You don't need to leave your boyfriend, he's not the problem (in my opinion). The problem is you are bored, or that you want something new. Why don't you try to take a step in that direction that INCLUDES your boyfriend? It wouldn't be that hard, really.
My biggest fear, given what you have described, is that in your search for something new and exciting you lose a great guy who treats you well, when it might not be necessary. That would be a bad thing to only figure out in hindsight.
This forum is full of people searching for love, searching for someone who treats them well, and countless stories of the opposite.
You have a good problem, and I hope it all works out for you!
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