A
male
age
41-50,
*sef
writes:My Girlfriend has lots of male friends and I need to know If I am losing my mind about this situation or have reason to feel somewhat let down.I started seeing someone who I used to go it with for over a year (4 years ago) two months back. We previously split up because I needed to go and work abroad and not because we weren't into each other. As i planned to return to my home country we got everything back on again (she had just finished a long term relationship). Everything has been wonderful so far apart from one thing. Other men. She trains three times (Street Running) a week with a local group she met on the internet and often goes away for weekend events and social stuff. As we have been spending time together she has been mentioning the names (often) of a few different men from this group. Most have partners, although hardly any of their partners train. I had no issues with my girlfriend spending time with other men in this way but recently things have got a bit strange. 1. She has to go abroad for a running tournament and told me that one of her male friends from the group helped pay for her flight (long distance). I have only met this guy once briefly with her(he is over 50, she late 20s) and he talked about stuff like internet dating, boasted about missing out on a 3some with a few girls, how his young daughter was a rouge (she lives with the mother as he is divorced) and had been in young offenders prison etc. Basically I felt sorry for him as he seemed like a bit of a sad old man but it was clear to me that he is close to my girlfriend. They have been friends under a year. He also kept giving my girlfriend his phone to reply to text these 'internet women' for him, which she did and they both found hilarious. I found this behaviour a bit sad and was surprised my girlfriend found it all funny and acted like his trained sidekick. He is going away with her next weekend (just the two of them) for two weeks and i can't go. They are competing for one week (International tournament) then they will be traveling together for the other week. My girlfriend has assured me that they will always have twin beds etc. I trust her, but I am not sure i trust him, we can call him Paul.2. A few weeks ago there was a social event/weekend for this running group based abroad (not too far by boat) and my girlfriend went. I had no problem with it. I have never met this social group (apart from Paul above). Whilst she was away her text responses were kind of delayed, which was understandable, but I didn't really know the sleeping arrangements of all the group (women and men)in the Hotel they all booked and was a bit nervous about where she would be sleeping. On the Saturday night she wasn't replying to my texts properly and something seemed strange. When she came back from the trip she showed me some pictures posted up on their running group website and it seems that on the Saturday evening most of the group went back to the hotel after training on the but she went onto a bar with two guys and got pretty drunk (thus the lack of text responses). The pictures showed her basically dancing around in front of these two guys in a quiet bar, basically acting like a single woman, messing around etc. They made me feel really uncomfortable especially as some of the pics taken were of her booty etc! There was also a pic of her asleep on the way back from the trip (on the train) lying asleep next to a guy from the bar photos, we can call him David. She told me he has a girlfriend he lives with but she doesn't train and that he is just a good friend. 3. Last week she told me to come over to her place for 7pm. She was training before from 5.30pm. At 7.30pm, after i had been waiting in my car outside her flat for 40 minutes, she called and said she got lost running and apologised for running late. When she turned up i was a bit disappointed as I would never have done that to her. She knew what time i was coming. I then found out that she wasn't out with the whole training group, as normal, and that they did something else but she was out with 'David'. She was honest with me so maybe i am over reacting but still, It really angered me that she would leave me waiting whilst training just with this guy, especially after seeing the pictures from the other trip. She said she got lost running (through woods etc) Mmmm. I guess she wouldn't tell me all this if she had something to hide but it still feels a bit odd. I am not suggesting she is sleeping with him but women form bonds with men in different ways don't they.There is another guy in the group she seems to absolutely adore and talks about him often, we can call him William. I have met William's girlfriend (they live together) but never William, but my girlfriend often talks about how lovely this guy is all the time etc. She also tells me that she doesn't really like his girlfriend. This is odd because when I met her she was really nice. My girlfriend also goes for country training with William on a one to one basis sometimes separate from group training, like she does with the guy from the pictures.I guess my concern is that my girlfriend tells me that she doesn't really have any close girlfriends (only 2 i think) and that she just bonds better with men. Over and above the training group she is friends with a fair few other men too. Old friends etc, but these guys don't seem to text or call her with the same regularity as her training group, although they are in a city an hour away. Being a man i know how men think. It sounds very shallow but men don't tend to put too much time and energy into texting/phoning a girl (which all of them do often)and spend alone time with them unless they are attracted to that girl in some sort of way. I am not suggesting men and women can't be friends, but it all just seems way too cosy for my liking. I am friends with girls of course, but i don't text them/call them 2/3 times a week and look to regularly see them every week, especially if they are in a relationship, nor would i think of doing that when i am involved in a relationship because it just doesn't seems right. Maybe I have outdated views about this sort of thing.I raised all my concerns to her this week, about a guy paying for her flight and going training/traveling with her for two weeks, about the other two guys, about being left waiting for her whilst she was with another bloke, ok only training but still, and that I was uncomfortable with it all. She went a bit mad to be honest and said that there was no way she was not continuing with these relationships and that i just needed to get over it and trust her. She made me feel like i was some sort of over jealous boyfriend (something I have never been before).I do love her a lot and she is a nice girl and i know she is a bit of a tomboy but i think she is being really naive and a little bit immature/insensitive. I hate they way she acts like a single girl with her bloke friends (the life of the party, drinking, dancing, doing stupid things etc)and i dislike the way she kind of courts the attention through texts and calls. She is almost 30 years old. I also don't really like the way these guys don't seem to care she has a boyfriend as i would never text/call a girl so often who was in a relationship mainly out of respect to their boyfriend, especially if i had never met him, and i guess i just want her to start acting like an adult and like a girlfriend. I think she can be extremely selfish and if i am being honest a bit childish. Should i just move on, cut my losses, and find a more sensitive girl that doesn't surround herself with loads of blokes even though she is in a relationship? Because she is so open to me should i just trust her and bite my lip about it all? A friend of mine was lost for words when i told him she was going away for 2 weeks with another bloke and that i was kind of cool with it all. I feel really low about the whole situation and i should be feeling really happy about being in a relationship. I don't want to tell her she cant see these people but at the same time i can't help feel sad that she thinks this is totally normal behaviour for someone in a relationship. It's kind of a bit of a turn off. I want a women!I really appreciate your help because this a great forum.Thanks from someone a bit low.Tinker
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): Dude!!! It's not wrong to be jealous... She is your everything. Or supposed to be. I don't understand ppl that can't respect another mans women. It pisses me off greatly. I understand your pain. It makes u feel like u ain't doing your job as a boyfriend right. So she turns to other guys. Don't let it drag you to the ground man. I went to Iraq for 2 yrs when I came back my girlfriend was 6 months pregnant. It sucks but I'm getting over it. They have some women out there somewhere I just need patience.
A
male
reader, Usef +, writes (12 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode Warrior,
Your story made me smile a lot. Thanks.
A slight mix up though which i am sure will change your opinion somewhat....
The trip abroad was three weeks ago. I spent the night before she left for the weekend away with her and we were both in great spirits the morning she went. She left early on the Saturday morning with friends. In the early afternoon her responses to my texts were, i felt, off key. I was on a high, missing her, and full of love. Later in the evening her replies to my texts made little sense and were at times sent a few hours later. I became a bit annoyed, mainly because i felt she 'had better things to do'.
At around 1am I sent a text after hearing nothing from her for three hours that basically said "What is going on!?". That sounds like I am some sort of possessive lunatic but when you have a wonderful night with your girlfriend and then over the next ten hours your touching texts are ignored or the responses are of two word nature it is confusing to understand why. Then at around 2am I sent a text basically saying 'Thanks a lot for simply ignoring me for the better part of 4 hours!'.
At 2am I received a final reply from her, again one that made little sense. I went to bed very unhappy knowing she was with a load of people i had never met (we haven't been back together that long) and to be honest i felt sad.
The next morning at 9am she called me from abroad. I found that odd and unusual although i was happy to hear from her. She told me she was cycling back from a restaurant last night and thus didn't respond. I accepted that but was still confused. how difficult is it to send a text? What about when you go to bed - i didn't even get a goodnight text.
Now, two weeks after the trip (about three weeks ago)in her flat she opened her running website and a gallery of that trip. It was at this point that i saw all the pictures of her with a bloke messing around, looking happy, drunk, dancing about in a bar. There was her, with a guy which she looked to be very close to, let's call him David, and another low key couple. In the pics they were laughing, dancing and basically having a ball. The pictures then went from the bar to them all sitting outside their hotel in the late hours of the night, to the next day on the boat coming home....
A few key things to consider.
1. I didn't appreciate seeing her like that with a bloke i had never met, only heard about.
2. I didn't like the picture of her and 'David' lying asleep together on the way back (on a sofa but it still looked far too cosy for my liking).
3. The reason for her lack of texts was now rather evident. She was bust getting drunk dancing around a bar with this bloke having a lot of fun. I was an afterthought.
4. The pictures after the Bar clearly showed her siting outside the hotel late at night smiling, laughing, and looking very drunk and tired. After all, it was about 2.30am and she had been out riding all day.
When she showed me the gallery a few weeks ago she knew i wasn't happy but i bit my lip.
Now, let us fast forward to last week.
Three days before she left to go abroad for two weeks with this other older guy she asked me to come over at 8.30pm (she was training with her usual group at 6.30pm). Excited, mainly because it was one of the last nights i would see her before she left for two weeks, i arrived at her flat at 8.20pm. At 9pm i was still sitting outside her flat. She called around 8.50 to leave a message but i couldn't make it out because of wind noise. Her flatmate and boyfriend then arrived and i was ok to go in the house. When they saw me get out of the car they were surprised as they told me that they had been training too.....but she wasn't there tonight???
So, just after 9PM she rocks in to her flat with her bike in training gear. She told me she was sorry but she got lost running through the woods. I asked her why she hadn't trained with the group and she told me...yes, she was out just with David (the guy from the pics) as he has the same type of bike as her and they wanted to do some riding.
I wasn't happy at this point. I was sad that she had left me waiting and i thought her excuse about getting lost was ridiculous. I got the impression her flatmate and boyfriend were embarrassed when they realised she was with David alone (they were also on the trip abroad a few weeks before)....
We went to bed and argued. In the morning she went down to make coffee and at 8am her mobile rang. It was this David guy. I took her phone down to her and she went back upstairs and into her bedroom to take the call. A few minutes later she came back down and said "That was odd, he must have dialled my number by accident as there was no one there but i could hear someone walking etc" No joke.
Now, fast forward to a few days ago....
I decided to go into their running website to have a nose and stumbled on an article describing their trip written by the guy why was with David, my girlfriend, and the other girl in the bar and the pictures that night. That is when i read him say that, "We got back to hotel and at 3am we were tired and went to bed and decided not to join David and (my girlfriend) for a late night ride..." She never mentioned this to me at all.
I saw the pictures on the website that must have been from about 2.30am after the bar with them all outside the hotel and my girlfriend looked tired and very drunk. She was on a sports riding bike which are uncomfortable and had been out riding all day, yet she went for a 3am ride with this David bloke? When i confronted her by text a couple of days ago about this 3am ride she said "It was a fun thing to do". That's all she could muster in response.
Do you see where i am coming from Code Warrior?
Please someone tell me that i am not going mad in all this but this all points to CHEATING does it not?? Surely?...
An emotionally drained Usef
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A
male
reader, Usef +, writes (11 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason I am becoming irritated is because most sane sensible rounded people would see this for what it is, yet you are suggesting the absurd.
Of course she is free to do what she wants. I have never said anything different. My point is that it just isn't a very nice way to behave and it stinks of something more than just a bit more fun because she is very much into her cycling. You are making it sound like a 3am drunk ride a common thing to do with another bloke when you are in a relationship. In my book it isn't.
If you honestly can't see that then we will have to agree to disagree. I appreciated your comments, honestly i do, but i do think you are somewhat blinkered and biased because your are the same sex as the subject. Just my opinion of course.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): You know it is your judgement that may not be accurate. You can't tell from a picture that the girl was drunk, she may have been tired, but who are you to judge whether or not her reason for riding at 3 am was just to say she did it. You don't get cyclists, I have been one, I know that culture and you do not....so you can continue to not listen to another viewpoint and seek validation for your views for a whole month on here if you want too, but if you are going to write in here for advice then you have to be willing to hear it whether you agree with it or not.
You might just want to challenge your judgemental attitudes about her sport. You keep asking us if you are being unreasonable. I never said that you were being unreasonable, but I am telling you there is a very strong possibility that you don't have it right, you don't know that she is riding with these guys because she wants to cheat on you.
What I am saying as a single woman who is not engaged she can damn well do what ever she wants. This is a free country, you don't have to like it or like her.
I hope that for both of your sakes that you do, break up with her.
She clearly is not for you. That is why you are starting to annoy me, and you are annoying your self and her, so get on with it and be done with it and for goodness sakes, move on your self.
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A
male
reader, Usef +, writes (11 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRhythmandBlues
Firstly, if I am starting to annoy you then there is a simple solution - stop reading and move on to another thread.
I must pick up on this though
"You clearly do not understand your girlfriend. She went on a 3 am bike ride because it IS A FUN thing to do if you are into cycling....and yes it has nothing to do with her attraction for the guy she rode with, they are friends, they share a common interest and they enjoy cycling and running and you do not, so you will never understand that this is what this is about for her. The male attention is simply a bonus."
Let me get this straight. She is riding all day long on a rather uncomfortable racing bike. She goes to a Bar and gets rather drunk, with two men and another girl (i have seen the pics). She then rides some distance back to the Hotel with the group very late at night, arriving probably around 2.30am. Outside the Hotel they all share another final drink. Then all of a sudden at 3am the other bloke and the other girl decide to call it a day, which was probably sensible. I have seen the pictures of this right up to that point. My girlfriend looks shattered, pissed, and certainly ready for bed.
But no! More fun is needed! She decides to then go on another ride in at 3am with just that guy. Of course, how could i be so stupid!? She clearly wanted more fun and there was clearly no other reason for that to have happened than the need for fun. I too would love cycling after doing it all day on proper racing bike, in between 6 hours of drinking.....
Your response was utterly laughable, but thanks anyway RhythmandBlues.
Usef
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Usef, I am sorry, but you are starting to annoy me.
You clearly do not understand your girlfriend. She went on a 3 am bike ride because it IS A FUN thing to do if you are into cycling....and yes it has nothing to do with her attraction for the guy she rode with, they are friends, they share a common interest and they enjoy cycling and running and you do not, so you will never understand that this is what this is about for her. The male attention is simply a bonus.
She is a single woman in her late 20's, she wants to have fun. She is not married to you, and you haven't responded to my question on that, but have you ever proposed marriage to her? If not, why should she cut herself off from other male friends for a man (you) who is not feeling that she is the ONE.
And clearly you don't think she is good enough for you, I am not her and even I can read between the lines.
You say she is disorganized, she lives like a student, has a filthy apartment, and acts drunken and loose in bars in front of her male friends. She leaves you for a couple of weeks to go to an International competition and you state that you CAN"T go, and some guy helped pay for her flight and is sharing a hotel room with her (to share expenses) and you are not OK with this because he is an older man and you don't trust him, but really it is her you don't trust.
She shows you disrespect at times by yelling at you and getting lost and leaving you waiting, knowing what time you were to meet her.
You simply don't think that she is the ONE for you, you don't think she is good enough for you.
You don't like it that she has other male friends even though you have never asked her to take herself completely off the market because you want to marry her.
I don't think she is cheating on you, I think she is independent and taking care of herself and doing the things she enjoys which are a part of her. I think the cost would be too high for her to stop being who she is to be in a realtionship with you.
I think you need a woman who is not into competition sports unless it is synchronized swimming and it is an all female sport.
I wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, Usef +, writes (11 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode Warrior
Again, thanks for your comments and advice.
The thing is, the yelling is indeed an issue and suggests that there is some sort of respect breakdown - absolutely, but my biggest issue here is not really about the possibility of cheating, as you say that is neither here nor there, but the fact that she chooses to do things like go on a 3am drunken bike ride with a guy i have never met. To go away for two weeks and allow a bloke to pay for her and stay with him in a hotel (ok, twin beds etc but still), or to leave me sitting outside a flat whilst she is with another bloke.
These things are my biggest frustration because for someone to want to do this suggests to me that there is something seriously missing from our relationship. I just cant understand why at 3am she would think that it was a good fun thing to do to go on another bike ride with a guy after having just spent the evening dancing around a bar with him and others. The others went to bed when they got back to the hotel, they went off again together. Everything points towards one things here, if she didn't really like that guy in same way or wasn't attracted to him would she have gone riding with him at that hour? Of course not.
That is the saddest thing about the situation for me. Cheating looks likely but I don't really care about that. It's the intention that kills me. To then fail to mention that to me and when i told her I knew about she said "It was a fun thing to do" and wouldn't actually acknowledge that it isn't really a nice thing to do to a partner.
That is what has killed me in all this. To compound matters she started sending me texts saying "Are we ok?" and "Can you call me now". Can i call her? Again, no respect, no apology for the deceit.
I am becoming annoyed!
Usef
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 You're confused because you love her and feel that taking this crap is a small price to pay. Think about it. You're a free man to decide whatever you want. That said, be aware that you are in pain, and you will continue to live in pain. This is going to be her behavior from now on.
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A
male
reader, Usef +, writes (10 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate
I spoke to her by text. I told her that I read that she went for a 3am ride with this bloke and that she failed to tell me that. I told her how disappointed I was.
Her response was that she didn't feel it was a bad thing to do and that nothing happened nor would it have done. I explained that this was simply not a respectful way to treat a boyfriend, especially to conceal it, and that she should speak to a girlfriend with a boyfriend and ask them the question to see if their boyfriend would put up with that type of behaviour.
She didn't have much to say other than bring it back to the trust issue. I left it with her that I was shocked that she honestly didn't believe that what she did was a wrong thing to do to someone in a relationship.
Perhaps i am being out of hand here now but I simply wouldn't dream of doing that to my partner.
A still very much confused Usef....
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A
male
reader, Usef +, writes (10 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFair comments rhythmandblues2, but come on! She told me she went to bed and certainly not a 3am night ride in a drunk state with just one guy.Code Warrior, thanks again for your honest words. I am not sure I could adopt such a cold approach. I know this sounds extremely petty, but I am going to bring the gallery up of that night. I am then going to find the last picture taken of that group outside the Hotel. I am then going to ask her to explain to me exactly what happened next.She will absolutely tell me she went to bed etc. Hearing those words/fibs will set me free.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): It is very possible to get lost when riding a bike, although sort of poor planning, as I always took a map with me when riding in virgin territory, there are usually bike ride maps although some are poorly done.
You say she is disorganized, so I can see her being bad at directions as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): I still don't think you have any proof that she is cheating with this David. When I was her age, I lived in Texas where it is a lot of flat country and bicycling at that time was really popular. I used to ride every day with a guy who lived with his girlfriend, we were good friends and enjoyed each other quite a bit because his girlfriend didn't ride and I wasn't even dating any one.
It is difficult to find a riding partner who can ride at your pace and distance, and people tend to gravitate to those they can ride with and actually train. He and I never so much as kissed each other. We went out to dinner together without his girlfriend, he came to my friend's house with me to hang out, we went to movies with his sister and his son or just the two of us. We were simply "buddies". I really think that she is young and is into this athletic activity because it is part of her identity and she enjoys it. You don't share her interest, so what is she supposed to do? Stay on the couch with you?
I think you had better find some proof before you get all worked up. I agree sharing a hotel with a 52 year old male is weird, but maybe he is like her father, for goodness sakes, she may see him as such and is not sexually attracted to him at all.
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A
male
reader, Usef +, writes (10 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode Warrior
I have just been reading her training group forum and i have found some information that is truly incredible.
Consider this again before reading what i found...
"2. A few weeks ago there was a social event/weekend for this running group based abroad (not too far by boat) and my girlfriend went. Whilst she was away her text responses were kind of delayed, which was understandable, but I didn't really know the sleeping arrangements of all the group (women and men)in the Hotel they all booked and was a bit nervous about where she would be sleeping. On the Saturday night she wasn't replying to my texts properly and something seemed strange. When she came back from the trip she showed me some pictures posted up on their running group website and it seems that on the Saturday evening most of the group went back to the hotel after training on the but she went onto a bar with two guys and got pretty drunk (thus the lack of text responses). The pictures showed her basically dancing around in front of these two guys in a quiet bar, basically acting like a single woman, messing around etc. They made me feel really uncomfortable especially as some of the pics taken were of her booty etc! There was also a pic of her asleep on the way back from the trip (on the train) lying asleep next to a guy from the bar photos, we can call him David. She told me he has a girlfriend he lives with but she doesn't train and that he is just a good friend.
and...
"3. Last week she told me to come over to her place for 7pm. She was training before from 5.30pm. At 7.30pm, after i had been waiting in my car outside her flat for 40 minutes, she called and said she got lost running and apologised for running late. When she turned up i was a bit disappointed as I would never have done that to her. She knew what time i was coming. I then found out that she wasn't out with the whole training group, as normal, and that they did something else but she was out with 'David'. She was honest with me so maybe i am over reacting but still, It really angered me that she would leave me waiting whilst training just with this guy, especially after seeing the pictures from the other trip. She said she got lost running (through woods etc) Mmmm. I guess she wouldn't tell me all this if she had something to hide but it still feels a bit odd. I am not suggesting she is sleeping with him but women form bonds with men in different ways don't they."
I failed to mention that the following morning (from above), her mobile range at 8AM. I picked it up and took it downstairs to her. It was this David calling. She took the mobile and went upstairs. A few minutes later she returned and told me that his mobile must have dialled her number by accident because there wasn't anyone on the other end of the phone, she could just hear rustling etc.
Tonight, in light of the above, I went into her public training forum on the web and I found an article written by a guy who was with the group that Saturday night overseas (the night of the pictures in the bar and her vanishing act by text message).
This is the description of the four of them leaving the bar on that Saturday night from the article by the other guy present(my girlfriend, this David bloke, the author and another girl):
"A truly communist bike swap preceded the cycle home.While we sat outside the Hotel a giant cabbage ate my bike helmet so I chose not to join (My girlfriend) and David on their 3am cycle."
3am cycle?.....WTF? She went for a 3am Cycle with this bloke, the same bloke that she 'got lost with' whilst i was sat outside her house, the same bloke who then called her that next morning 'by accident' at 8am? Good god what a fool i have been.
To compound matters, it would seem that my girlfriend and this guy even managed to sneak off again before heading back to catch the boat home...
"The ever-resourceful roadies (the nickname my girlfriend and David gave themselves for the trip because of their bikes) managed to get lost on the one road to the ferry terminal but we were all reunited in time to have one finalfeast on the deck of the ferry."
Managed to 'get lost' together?....
I am so happy i found all that out but am i right in thinking something is very very very wrong there?
I am lost for words...Code Warrior?...
A truly Gutted Usef
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A
male
reader, Usef +, writes (9 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode Warrior
You are very kind continuing to provide me with some support about this situation. Thank you for the link too, it was a lovely read and I am amazed that a 15 year old wrote that article.
You mention respect and i think you have hit the nail on the head. The problem is that she actually doesn't see anything wrong in the way she is forming relationships with other men. Most girlfriends wouldn't behave this way with male friends when in a relationship. I know this because I have had a number of long term relationships. It just isn't common behaviour. When i raised my concerns to her in my eyes those concerns should have become her no.1 priority. If the roles had been reversed I would have been totally sympathetic to her concerns, after all, I want her to be happy not feel sad and low about any aspect of my behaviour. She is my priority and I respect her. Some may read this article and think that i am being extremely over-sensitive but you know deep down when things are just not as they should be. I have tried to be totally honest when writing this.
The thing that truly breaks my Heart is that when i raised my concerns she rebutted me out of hand. She called me jealous, possessive, and insinuated that it was in fact me that had the issue. She questioned my trust. I found this so sad because she actually doesn't realise what she is doing. I don't know what it is more disappointing, her dismissive behaviour, or the fact that she actually doesn't feel that she has been doing anything wrong.
She has made it clear that she is not giving up her friendships, even though this isn't what i have asked her to do. I simply said that seeing pictures of her drunk all over men i have never met, getting texts and calls from lots of men i haven't met, and going away with a 52 year old for two weeks (flight paid by him) sharing a Hotel room is just not reasonable or respectful behaviour from a girlfriend to her boyfriend.
I think I may have to walk away from her when she returns, which will absolutely break my heart, but i feel i am not left with any other scenario. I either accept these terms, which will probably get a whole lot worse over time, or I walk away. What a horrible situation to be in with someone you love.
Any further advice would be greatly appreciated, especially on how I should end the situation and what i should say - in the nicest possible way.
Thanks Code Warrior
Cheers
A Heartbroken Usef
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A
male
reader, Usef +, writes (7 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRhythmandblues2 + Code Warrior
Thank you both for continuing to provide your thoughts, i really appreciate it and is is very kind of you both.
Code Warrior,
I am not the type of person who would resort to a fight because of the situation and I am a fairly relaxed guy. I think I might have confused things by using the term 'looking like a fool'. I actually agree with you in that I probably should have walked away after discovering her relationships with all these different guys and her attitude towards what she is doing. She really doesn't see it as a problem and can't see much further away from her own needs if i am being fair.
How many Women would allow another guy their boyfriend has met once, briefly, to pay for their plane ticket abroad and go away with them for two weeks - sharing hotel rooms and experience etc? I just wouldnt be at all comfortable doing that to someone i am in a relaitonship because I would instantly see that it would put my partner in a horrible position. Also, the guy going with her. I took her to his house to drop her off to drive to the Airport and he was nice with me but nothing more. No 'I'll look after her' or anything like that. Just pleasant and then said goodbye. To me that was simply rude and totally lacking in integrity.I know they both train etc but some people amaze me.
Last night I decided to take a really close look at the relationship thus far. Take off my tinted glassed as I do really like her. The results didn't make pleasant viewing. I tried to assess every aspect of her and may seem really harsh but her goes:
1. She is a hugely disorganised person. She shares a flat with a girlfriend and their flat and her bedroom is filthy. Almost like she still lives as a student yet is almost 30 years old.
2. I was trying to think about what she has done for me since we have been together. I honestly couldnt think of anything. For example, the day before she left she phoned me in a panic from work and asked me to drive to her flat (1 hour) to hang her washing out. I did it of course. I bought her a gift for her travels. I try to do things for her often as a friend as well as a lover but I just couldn't think of anything nice or thoughtful she has done for me over these last few months.
3. She shouts at me often and loses her temper at the drop of a hat. On two recent occasions I met some of her friends for the first time. At different points of the evening, in front of them, she actually shouted at me because she deemed some of my questions 'stupid'. Even her friends were embarrassed.
4. She never says anything nice to me to my face. That is not to say she is a cold person but i can't recall her ever telling me how she feels about me or us or about how she will miss me when she goes away etc. She is a closed person.
5. When we are together is is common for her mob to be bleeping and her to be texting lots of mates, yet she never ever says 'Oh, that was blah blah'. It's almost ignored and that drives me nuts. I don't want to know who it is but when a text comes through at 12am or later when we are together i find it uncomfortable. For example, the morning (8am) after she turned up late when i was waiting outside her house because she was with that guy, her mobile rang. She was downstairs and I picked it up and walked down stairs with it and gave it to her. I saw who it was, the guy she had been training with the previous night. She took the phone and went upstairs. When she came down she said his phone must have dialed her number accidentally as there wasn't anyone there when she picked it up. Is that just a HUGE coincidence? Why would he be called her the next morning at 8am (he lives with his girlfriend). I didn't know what to think.
6. I want to hear her tell me she wants me, likes me, misses me, but to do it proactively. If i was in her shoes right now I would be texting my girlfriend a lot, like last thing at night, or at points where i miss her etc or I am thinking about her, but I hardly get anything from her. When i sent her a message to say 'Hey, how are you, long time no talk!' she sent a reply saying 'You can text me too you know!'.....
Code Warrior, on paper this person doesn't tick any of the long term 'relationship boxes' does she.....I must need my head tested sticking around in this situation...
Usef
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): If you haven't asked her to marry you, then I think the girl is taking care of herself and leaving her heart open to other men, but not necessarily cheating with any of them behind your back. She seems to be bonded to you, to want you over any other man, but she is independent and her heart belongs to her.
If you want her, then maybe you will have to step up and claim her as the ONE you want to spend the rest of your life with, marriage has to be on the table, and then get engaged. If her behavior with the other men doesn't change then you will have to go with that. You say you don't want to involve yourself in her running habit, great, but why don't you take and interest in her hobby and attend the events, the championships so that she isn't alone with the other athletes. I think this is just what she is into and they happen to be her friends and share her interests. And I understand your feeling threatened by it all, I really do, but I think the girl is taking care of herself.
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reader, Usef +, writes (6 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode Warrior,
I appreciate your comments and yes you are right in saying that staying and finding out that she is not trustworthy is better than walking away and never knowing.
However, as pointed out - would a cheating woman honestly come clean to someone who is clearly massively into her, treats her really well and someone she clearly likes? My issues here are with integrity and knowing how to behave when someone makes a serious commitment to you in the form of a relationship. I am not so sure she would come clean, that's my honest concern.
Another fact. When we first got together four years ago we dated for about 3/4 months then all of a sudden she told me that a friend (ex boyfriend) was coming from abroad (where he lives) to stay with her. I didn't know her that well and wasn't happy about it but she told me that it was booked before we got together and he just couldn't cancel it. I accepted this and for the three weeks he was over i didnt see her at all. After he left she came straight back to me and told me nothing happened. I trusted her.
After another year together I had to move abroad for work and we called it time. She quickly cut off contact with me when i left (she said it was just too hard for her to stay in touch) and then about 4/5 months after she dated that friend for 3 years. Last December when i was still abroad we started communicating again. She told me her long distance relationship wasn't working and was pretty much over. I was abroad but knew i would be back within 6 months for good. We started bonding again, mail, telephone, msn etc. I was trying to get her to visit me from December 2008 but she couldn't and then in April she told me this ex was coming to stay with her, again for three weeks! I was gutted but accepted that they had three years together and needed to talk. She didn't contact me at all over that period (forgetting my Birthday too).
I was upset because we had spent four months talking 3/4 times a week about things and then she disappeared again with him. Soon after he had left she struck up contact with me and told me it was OVER between them. We started talking regularly once again and she came out to visit me in June. Now, when she came we hit it off immediately (sexually etc). I was really happy but still a bit worried. I then found out that she had dumped this guy for good because he had slept with a girl when they had been 'broken up' for a little while and she found out. He denied it to her face even though she had evidence.
Then, i found out that she had been on two dates with a guy she met training between April (her ex leaving) and coming to see me in June! I was really shocked because once again we had been communicating constantly about her visit etc.
I guess all of this behaviour just rings serious alarm bells in my head and I honestly don't know what to do or think about it all anymore.
Cheers everyone for your advice, its really kind of you all.
PS - Since she has been away (three days now) i have received the odd picture text with 'me here' but nothing like 'i miss you' or anything else of that nature. Maybe i am far too sensitive but she is away with another guy going to be surrounded by guy athletes for over a week etc. It's killing me.
Tinker
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 September 2009):
Just for the sake of comment: Code Warrior mentioned three possible ways the girl could behave. I would add a fourth: cheating without the poster knowing, as in "being played for a fool". I am sure this is what the poster has a problem with. We all would.
Sorry, I would leave her. Maybe she's not cheating, but this is not my definition of a good relationship. Which means I agree with Code Warrior: if you don't like these "terms", leave.
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reader, Usef +, writes (6 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe rhythmandblues2, in fact she once told me that if she didn't socialise with this group for training she probably would have one only one or two local friends. Thanks for your thoughts.Code Warrior, I deeply care about this girl but at the same time I am not happy with the agreement. I have no desire to join her group either because I am not interested in running around a country field. It bores me. My gripe is this, lot's of men on here see Women with lots of male friends as a red flag. Also, lots of people on here talk about how women tend to build strong emotional bonds with guys which then can lead to other things. I am sure if she came on to one of these guys at a weekend away most of her 'friends' would happily jump at the chance (as would most men). That is what is bothering me most. The fact that she doesn't recognise this and continues to spend time alone with different blokes from the group.It's not as black and white as you make out, but i really appreciate your comments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): She just sounds like she is immature and self centered and thinking like a single person even though she is in a relationship. I would just tell her what your concerns are and see if you can't some how be included in these activities with her instead of sitting on the sidelines. Isn't that possible? I mean you don't want to ask her to give up something that she loves to do, but the fact that she is so involved with other males (where are the other women who are involved in running and training) is a bit disconcerting to you. I don't know why she can't understand that....do you? It seems that she just likes their attention almost more than the running....
I think you just need to stand firm on that you want to share in her success with the competitions and would like to be included in the activities so that you can know that part of her life.
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reader, Usef +, writes (5 September 2009):
Usef is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the kind words.She is a very quiet girl most of the time, especially around other women. She doesn't wear make-up much and certainly isn't a girly girly (I like that about her). This maybe why she doesn't tend to bond well with other women. When we are together she is lovely and the perfect girlfriend in every way but she really does see no harm in forming these close bonds with other men, even if those men have girlfriends. Before I was on the scene when she was single she once got to know a guy who was married and started going out socially with him, like she does with the other men. She did then kiss him on a few occasions (she told me) and quickly ended the friend relationship as she said it was a horrible thing to do as he was married. She isn't to my knowledge someone who sleeps around and has never had a one night stand (she openly admits this). So i guess she isn't a bit of a slapper, but at the same time I can't seem to get my head around her relationships with these men and also the way that she doesnt see her behaviour as a problem even though she is now in a relationship. She is going away with this older guy as its a world championships and very important to her, i just can't help feel sad about it all.A side note, she is a disorganized person (although i like that) and can be somewhat outragous and stupid after a few drinks, even childish even - as I ponted out in the post. I guess I am worried about not feeling content and totally happy when i should be after all, that's what relationships are about.I deeply care about her but I am not so sure that I am strong enough to deal with this. As pointed out, it's not going to change and i can imagine will continue to get worse as she befriends new blokes, which i am sure she will do at these world championships (I can't bear to think about the after race parties!)....I hope that information helps others contribute to help me out a bit.ThanksTinker
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): I think your girlfriend is wanting her freedom and she is really into this running thing and these are the people who share that interest with her where you don't.
I imagine it is all pretty innocent, but she is acting ridiculous going out to the bars and getting all drunk and wild, but it happens at those kinds of things people want to cut loose.
She definately likes male attention and she could be a real floozy that has nameless sex with strangers for all I know, I once knew a girl like that and she didn't have any female friends at all, she was in a relationship with an older guy who she fought with all the time and she had random sex with guys she met 5 minutes ago. Needless to say she had a personality disorder and was on medication, so she didn't seem to be able to stop her behavior.
I don't know anything at all about your girlfriend, but if you aren't happy with this relationship, it doesn't sound like she is going to change or take your feelings into consideration what other choice do you have but to end things?
You don't feel she is putting your relationship first and your exclusivity with her seems threatened. Does she want to date other people? Or does she just want you to wait around for her? I don't see why you can't accompany her to her events or travel with her when she goes....if you can afford it, then why can't you go with her? She seems to want to be single.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (5 September 2009):
I don't know if she's into something with these guys or not. I do agree that she seems to be acting as if she were single. And I do have a bad feeling about it. The bad thing is that you have no "proof" of anything. I think you should try to get to know more about the kind of relationship she has with them. Maybe she is not involved with them at all, but the mere fact that she behaves as if she had no boyfriend IS something to worry about.
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