A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Went out with a guy twice (but kind of knew him through mutual friends before that). First time, he was a perfect gentleman and only hugged me at end of night. A few days later, he invited me impromptu to hang out at his house w/a few guy friends (after I called [I]him[/I] earlier in the day to go to a party with [I]me[/I]). There were lots of romantic moves like holding my hand, kissed me on cheek. But at the end of the night, all he said was that he'd let me know when he and his friends had their next party (never suggested another 1-on-1-date). Then it took him 4 days to contact me after that night, and even then it was just 1 text (he won't talk to me on phone). He's one of the busiest people I know, but still. I got 1 text from him the whole week... until next Saturday night, when he texted me at 1AM from the bar to ask if I wanted to come over to "hang out"!I agreed to come over because, like I said, he'd never been anything less than a perfect gentleman and I felt comfortable at his place. As soon as we started making out (our 1st time), he asked if I wanted to go upstairs. I said no, it was too soon (I wanted to clarify ASAP, so I would minimize the teasing factor). Why did I say that? Once I arrived, I felt a bit turned off and cheapened by the whole idea of a potential booty call, so I didn't want to go through with sex. I had actually wanted a relationship w/this guy and thought he'd write me off as a sleazy girl forever if I had sex in this situation.We just stayed on couch and made out for hours, didn't take clothes off. I kept offering to leave afterward, but he wanted me to stay the night and sleep/cuddle (he didn't try anything sexual from that point onward -- just seemed to want me to just hold him in my arms). Since then, our contact has been: 1 day he said "oh i had been seeing if u were free to meet us up at the blues festival" -- I responded to that text a bit too late. Otherwise he will always respond to my texts, but only if i contact him first. If I ask, he'll always tell me his schedule for the week ( and it's incredibly busy and I know he's not lying about any of it). he'll say things about how we need to figure out plans sometime, but he won't initiate anything specific. Wondering what to do from here. Maybe he feels so sexually rejected (only got to 1st base!) and "friend-zoned" that he's keeping the ball in my court, waiting for me to make plans. Sure, it seems like a guy who texts u from a bar, to come over in middle of night, doesn't want a relationship with you. But he hadn't been sexual at all the first 2 dates. Maybe he just had some booze that night and suddenly felt a lot braver about trying to sleep with me for the first time. If this were true, then I ruined the potential relationship by not sleeping w/him and thus, rejecting him.Last time we texted was today. I invited him over my place for next Monday night... and he hasn't responded yet. Should I be specific and let him know that I'm looking to finish what we started the other night, sexually? I don't want to send awkward texts, but I feel like he's a good guy and I need to somehow let him know that I want him as more than a "friend" -- even though I only let him get to 1st base on our third "date" / booty call.
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booty call, cheap, first base, teasing, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): I think the important thing to look at is why you were never asked out on a second date. If a guy is excited enough about you, a second date (not a hang out) is what happens. Instead of realizing this, you have continued to try and make something happen that isn't in the cards and you are trying to turn his obvious booty calls and casual hang outs into dates in an attempt to pressure him for more. The piece you are missing is that he just isn't that into you and being with you. I know that can feel like an ego blow but move on until you find someone who really wants to date you and treat you well.
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (27 July 2011):
I understand your concern OP, but I'm all but certain this guy is open to sex with you. For one he's a guy, and very, VERY few guys will turn down sex. He's unattached, so if you make sex available to him he's almost guaranteed to accept it... you shooting him down earlier is a non-factor. If a guy is attracted he won't be deterred that easily. It isn't like you told him you just want to be friends, you simply said it was too soon. Then you made out with him for an extended period of time.Secondly, as you said he's still in contact with you. If he weren't interested, he wouldn't be. If he thought he had no chance at sleeping with you, perhaps because he was shot down harshly, then he wouldn't bother texting.Really, I don't think this is in question. If you say you want to finish what the two of you started, I'm sure he'll come over... with a smile! The issue, at least to me, is whether he is only after something casual or if he is up for a real relationship. I'm thinking it is the first option based on his actions, but I could be wrong...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, who knows if he'd even be open to sex with me at this point? I mean, I turned him down last time. But I have to guess that he's still somewhat interested, since he's keeping in contact, telling me his schedule, etc.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (27 July 2011):
"Sure, it seems like a guy who texts u from a bar, to come over in middle of night, doesn't want a relationship with you."
That says it all. Unfortunately, I have to conclude that this guy is not looking for a relationship. All of his actions point to it. After the first 1 on 1 "date", he has resorted to involving you in group activities / parties, and he made a booty call to you after a bar night. He's too busy to set aside any real time for you, to get to know you. He doesn't contact you with any regularity. This guy is looking for one thing and one thing only - sex.
I have to say that your plan of inviting him over and basically jumping on him will only keep him around if he's after something casual. In that case he'd be getting exactly what he wants, and he still hasn't had to work very hard for it.
Rather, the true test to see if he wants a relationship is to make him expend some effort, spend some quality time with you, alone. Let him make some room for you in that busy schedule of his. You don't have to play "make him chase me" games, but he should still have to work for it. Although going over to his place at 1am was a mistake of sorts, you at least controlled the damage by not sleeping with him. Serving yourself up on a platter to "finish what we started" will reinforce the wrong message. It would be setting yourself up for some heartbreak.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (27 July 2011):
Sounds like you have already covered most possible explanations. If he's a bit shy then what you describe fits right in. If you like him then you could suggest going to a movie or something else. Get the opportunity to talk about feelings. Then you will have to trust your instinct. He doesnt sound pushy.
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A
male
reader, Ronnie70  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 He calls you from a bar at 1am and you go running? Something funny about that for a start! I'd call that most inconsiderate of him, waking you at that ungodly hour and if I were you I would have told him to call at a more reasonable time. Maybe he didn't feel like buying you drinks all night, which he might have had to do had he invited you to the bar at 8pm!
If I were you I'd send him one more text - saying 'Call me' and leave it at that. If he replies by text ignore it. If he actually speaks to you tell him what's on your mind and don't beat about the bush.
It sounds to me like he just wants sex but is being patient; if you want a relationship I think you need to look elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 I don't think he felt rejected. Not all girls want to have sex on the first of second date, and he must have factored that in. Plus, maybe you did him a favour, he called you from a bar to come over in the middle of the night- he must have been drunk and tired, probably he knew his performance was not going to be brilliant, much better a nice post-1st base cuddle.
I am afraid that more than him being friend-zoned, it's you that have been bootycall-zoned.
If you want to finish what you have started, by all mean do, but if you count on this becoming a relationship, you could very possibly be disappointed .
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