A
female
age
41-50,
*eorgie2778
writes:I am seeing a married man, and have been for nearly a year. I also work with him. He has been married for a number of years and has two children (18 and 14). He has told me that he loves me, is not in love with his wife and he even left home but only briefly! but doesn't want to hurt his wife or kids. We didn't have sex for several months when the relationship first began, as I was also in a relationship which I subsequantly finished. We have a fantastic friendship but now it seems he makes no effort to see me, but still tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, but says he doesn't know what to do. Should I be patient and wait for him to leave or should I walk away?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): this guy hardly meets up with you, he has a wife and kids. Lets admit it you know he wont leave you. Us guys like sex on tap if not from the wife we look elsewhere its not that we dont love our wifes, we do its just that we see sex a different way. this guy is using you for that purpose. Dont let him do that. If he ever did leave his wife (which i doubt very much,from what you have written) his kids wouldn't want to know you as you split their parents up. Its just to much hassle for a relationship that might not even work. Join a drama club, karate club motorbike club et cetera. You get the picture a place where guys have a hobby that woman can do also. Your single bf is at one of these clubs waiting for you. And im guessing i dont need to tell you about rebound relationships as your allready in one. good luck anyway whatever you decide. HD
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): I am sorry if I sound bitter, its not bitterness it is sad that someone would sleep with a man who has been married for over 18 years and has not left his wife, he clearly loves his wife, his kids dont need them...I know my kids are the same age and they were talking me into leaving their dad, But after him begging us not to leave, the kids gave him a 2nd chance. For me this was in a way a good thing it devastated me but we almost lost each other, you know since this happened my husband has become loving again to me, I feel him caressing my face in the night kissing my softly on my back he is always asking my if I am alright with worries that I am thinking of leaving him...He holds me tight and just tells me he will never do what he did that he thanks god every night for giving him a 2nd chance...as for the woman he had an affair he never called her back in counselling he said if he could abolish her from his life he would, he doesnt know why, he knows it was the illusion of sex and it was all an illusion....she really pulled one over his eyes..telling him she fantazised showing up at my door, to see my reaction. He told my he got the shivers and knew he was in trouble so he tried to slow down seeing her things got even worse she would not anser his calls....So you see he my nagging over socks being picked up wasnt so bad as to someone who you are not attracted to and was going to destroy an 19 year old marriage was a nightmare his back to his old ways drawing bubblebaths for us I make his lunch with love notes in them we are now together just like before "He knows now that the grass is not greener but full of bullshit" So I am not bitter I am loving my man to the fullest, Enjoying him because I tried to leave him thank god he didnt let me....Anyway Best of Luck I dont mean to be a bitch, but I am devastated, I have always had a great loving relationship with my husband I am still pretty devasted....:-( found out March/07
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A
female
reader, Georgie2778 +, writes (19 November 2007):
Georgie2778 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again I will say thank you dearkelja, for your not so harsh words, I believe you have a generous heart and sound advice.
I posted this question for feedback so should not have been surprised to hear words like whore, mistress, dumb... pretty hash though as you don't know me people! I guess these forums are for pople to let rip.
I'd like to say to Jazmin, lose the bitterness and live your life together again, to the max, if you're sure thats what you want?
To ANON '10 yrs' who had been seeing a married man for 10 years... thank you, your words hit home.
As for nurse-maiding an old man, there is only 9 years difference, not a problem for millions of people!
Finally, if none of these guys (or girls from the other side of this situation) never leave, how come there are so many 2nd / 3rd marriages that work bloody well out there?
Is ther anyone who has come out well from an affair??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): I can give you some hope. I saw a married man for 10 years - yes, 10. During that 10 years I went round in many cycles of wanting to end it with him, wanting to end my life, and loving him more than anything. He kept me waiting, he kept me in the palm of his hand and he used me time and time again but I was glad of anything he would offer me. I could not accept that he would never leave his wife - that problem I now realise was in me. He lied to me for 9 months while his wife was pregnant - only told me 2 weeks before she gave birth. I had believed that they were not having sex - but I was so wrong. I urge you to look in the mirror - do it for 10 minutes calmly. Look at the person you have become being under this 'spell' because it is not a real relationship. I will be brutally honest in that, had I not met another man, who was free to be with me and showed me the kindness and love I had been craving all along I would still be seeing him - addicted like a junky to a poisonous situation. This new guy made me realise what I'd done and I dropped 'Mr Married' like a stone. He was so shocked and begged me to go back to him but I refused - now he is the hurt and pathetic one. All along he'd had me propping him up when he could conveniently fit me in - now the tables turned. If you can do this and meet someone else I can recommend it. It gave me my life back. I was a similar age to you maybe younger - now I am 35 and childless but at least I have a future with a new person. I am of course resentful about the years I lost but I can say that I learnt. They never leave their wife. Please don't make my mistake. I lost friends of mine because I used to let them down at the last minute - putting the last minute demands of this married man first. He took the goodness away from my life and I have had to re-build. Please act now before you destroy your soul on him. Widen your social network and get some physical contact with other men. You should understand that accepting this situation is a symbol of the way you don't value yourself enough. Please think about these things. Look in the mirror and ask yourself honestly "What sort of woman do I want to be?" then break free. If I can, you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): Females like you who are dumb enough to mess with other peoples men are home reackers he's just using you for sex!!! I'm sure they all do. He wants to do what she doesn't!!! He is inlove with her if he wasn't he would leave!!I hope he's not the guy on the news his wife is missing!! Leave him alone and get a single man!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): If you want to be a nurse-maid to an old man, go ahead. Most young girls think it's very glamourous to be with an older man with money and position who lies to them (he won't be any more honest with you than his first wife). Do consider what it will be like when you are 49 and he is 68 and all you do for fun is watch "Wheel-Of-Fortune"... Par-tay!!! Yee-haw!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): "I'm just with my wife for the kids sake. We're not in love anymore or anything, we don't sleep together anymore, and I'm gonna leave her eventually."It's the oldest trick in the book.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (19 November 2007):
 First, Jazmine's comparison to you isn't quite fair. But she does define the other side. I am sure this man's wife would be devastated if she found out about the two of you. So think about you in her position. Now as for how to get over him, one day at a time. Yes, it will be difficult but every time you see him is a backwards step for you. This is how it works. You get the little bit of hope to keep you going when it sounds to me like your heart and head both know this is a no win situation. Please do yourself a favor and leave this man. You have more self respect and you will feel so much better. Look at it this way, you get to be in control of the situation rather than him telling you it's over because that is what he will do, eventually. Hard yes. Cry yes. Sad, lonely all yes. But the good news is that it is NOT a permanent condition. It does get better.
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A
female
reader, jazmine  +, writes (19 November 2007):
 He doesnt love you, if he did he would of left you he is trying to let you down easy....and you deserve this..how can any woman if she has morals sleep with a married man you think if he told you he loved his wife you would sleep with him NO YOU WOULDNT so he tells you a sob story and you pathetically fall for it I just caught my husband with a 29 year old mother of 3 crack-addict whore....I dont know who was more devastated me or him, he begged me to forgive him I fell apart this man who I was with had this secret, this man who I was cooking, cleaning, making love to almost everynight was having an affair with a disgusting whore in the low-life part of town my husband who hates smoke, drugs, uncleaniness was going to this low-class garbage apartment building, you know why he was terrified that if he made her mad she would find me and tell me he even used a different name when he met her on the internet turns out through his friends it started as a joke and it got serious when he slept with her 18 years of marriage an 18 and 14 year old kids later he could not beleive what he did....He begged me I told him to go but he didnt want the other woman I told him he would not have to pay for any of his kids he was free to leave we would split everything he would live like a king but he cried at my feet for forgiveness..... the whore well she is still in her garbage apartment building to rot in hell as for me Yes I am devasted to say the least but you know he is with me it is the wife they go back to because if a man or woman is truly unhappy in thier marriage they will leave especially if they do not have happiness his kids dont need him anymore they are grown up my kids were begging me to leave him....but with much begging from him we stayed as for SKANK the name we us at home for her she is all alone..play with fire you get BURNED!!!!!!I hope I helped you with your decision mind you there is no decision he will never be with you....and you know that So sad to be you....I dont know how women with your loss of morals and ethics sleep at night......
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A
female
reader, jazmine +, writes (19 November 2007):
I am the wife who just caught her husband in an affair with a 30 year old, I am 43 years old and let me tell you I am not hard on the eyes, I became very depressed of things and became very distant with my husband though we were very intimate but sex from the internet got the best of my husband I caught him I was devastated and so was he, he never thought I would catch him, I told him to go to the f___in whore he begged me to stay with him how he so desperatey was trying to let her down slowly because she wanted him to leave and would make remarks on what reaction I would have if I saw her he wanted so much to dump the disgusting whore he looked sick during this losing weight withdrawn from his kids who he was so close to well I was shocked to see the pale hippie looking crack-addict whore he had been having sex with the past 2-3months I met her in person, she was oh! so happy to tell me everything, show me everyting my husband had given her $100 and bought some McDonalds and some cheap perfume he was so angered by this person his worst nightmare had happened I found out he told the times he would have sex and felt disgusted by her but did not want to anger her she would textmessage him he said he would have to call back right away or else.. all he could do was cry at my feet, let me tell you it has been 8 mos since this has happened and he has said over and over how relieved he is to have his life back! Me, well I will never be the same, I do not take him for granted but my heart is broken I feel like I was ripped off and feel like my love for my husband is not true love...I have told my husband now how I feel and he keeps telling me he is going to make it up to me that I will love him again like the day I married him but I doubt it....I also have a 18 and 14 year old they have a real hard time with this my son wishes he could hunt down the whore as for my husband he has mentioned if he could go back in time and realize what he has done he would of never gotten involved with this skank his nickname for her....Oh by the way Yes there were the sweet textmessages he sent her calling her baby, claiming I never had sex with him for 2 yrs, I was mean to him all lies just a way to get anal sex a form of sex I am not into but neither was she it was all talk on her part..My husband even took the year off just to be with me, I lost 20 lbs. I now take care of myself I tan he bought me a car no cheap perfume but the best and of course we are going to renew our vows at his request he bought a wedding band the day I found out pleading with me not to leave for you see my first love is separated and whenever I call him he will be there for me....this is the consequence my husband has to deal with for good..there was a time 8 mos ago he was my Knight in shining Armour that is gone for me and his 14 yr old daughter all because of a skank who did not care to keep her legs crossed I truly believe she will never be happy karma is always around the corner!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (19 November 2007):
 Hi,
you are 26-29? the next 10 years are the best of your life. . Just look at all the posts on this site, there are dozens just like yourself, the married man promising the young woman that he will leave his wife( who of course he doesnt have sex with ). Gee , as a man, I really wonder how these guys get away with it.
Get over him, meet someone else and have a relationship with someone who doesnt go back to his wife when he's finished with you.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, Georgie2778 +, writes (18 November 2007):
Georgie2778 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks dearkeja, I just wish it was so easy... I sit at home feeling miserable because I can't see him, or talk to him, I get so angry at what I have let myself get into & what I have given up for him, but when I do see him all my anger & upset fades away. How do I get through that?
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (18 November 2007):
 You accepted the role of mistress and mistresses are there for sex. he does not even bother to have sex with you for long. He is just trying to make sure you dont cause trouble to him. ie call his home wife etc. Or may be just trying to be nice after using you.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen +, writes (18 November 2007):
It is absurd. You accepted the role of mistress and mistresses are there for sex. he does not event bother to have sex with you for long. He is just trying to make sure you dont cause trouble to him. ie call his home wife etc. Or mya just trying to be nice after using you...knock it off
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A
female
reader, AnnaW219 +, writes (18 November 2007):
 well it depends is he cting like he loves you and not his wife so he can get more action ? but if youve been seeing each other for nearly a year he isnt yes he probably loves you but he loves his kids and dont want to lose his kids it is hard in times like this i would move on tell him i have to get on with my life im affraid ill be stuck round here forever waiting for you.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (18 November 2007):
Don't walk away, run. This man is taking advantage of you and you have a lot at stake. Your reputation at work is in jeopardy. You are wasting good years of your life and you will likely get hurt if you continue this. This man has at least 4 years left to be married as he won't leave until the 14 year old is 18. Most likely he will not leave at all! So, do you really want to drag this out for 4 years just to find out he has no intention of leaving his wife? Sorry but if he hasn't made a move in a year, he's not making one. And if you are feeling neglected now, this will only continue to escalate. Please get on those running shoes and find a good man who is available.
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