A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are currently having a fight over this. I'd like to know if I'm wrong to be angry about it. Last night we were in a hot tub with some friends of his (male and female both). He had done a fair bit of drinking and wanted to take his pants off, which he did. One of the other girls followed his example and removed her suit as well. Being his ride home, I was completely sober at that point and didn't really want to get naked in front of people I had met maybe once before last night, but with some coaxing from him I went ahead and did it anyway. This made three out of five of us in the tub without clothing and turned into a conversation about who does and doesn't like to be naked when the opportunity arises. This other girl (I'll call her C) was pretty open about liking to walk around her house naked and blah, blah, blah. My bf made a fairly solid effort not to check her out in front of me, although I did catch him doing it a couple times. He wasn't overt about it so I didn't call him out. What bothered me was a conversation the two of them had later, in full earshot of me and everyone else there, in which he told her they needed to "hang out naked more often," presumably without me there. (My work schedule is pretty demanding and I don't often get time to socialize.)I have to hand it to C -- she reminded him at that point that he had a girlfriend -- but I am really disheartened by his apparent lack of concern for my feelings. I try to be reasonable about him having female friends and hanging out one-on-one with them while I'm at work, which he does sometimes, but I think this latest is a bit much. I don't want to have to wonder if he's skinny-dipping with other girls while I'm away at work (literally, living there 24 hours a day) for a week or more at a time. Am I being unreasonable? Please help :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Alcohol, hot tubs, relationships, and single women do not mix. Dont frappe the blender and this situation can easily be avoided. He disrespected you and put himself in a bad situation. Drunk or not, he does need to apologize as he made you uncomfortable and seemingly undesired.
A
female
reader, Eilish  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Thats out of order.
If my boyfriend did and said that to another girl, I would flip left right and centre.
How dare he be like that right infront of you? :-/
It's not like you don't let him have female friends anyway.
It seems to me like he may be in a relationship with you but he's taking advantage of it a little bit.
Remind him that if he wants to be like that then he should be single. It isn't fair hurting you along the way just because he wants to 'hang naked' with girls.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (1 May 2011):
 YOu aren't being unreasonable at all. Maybe a little too reasonable if anything. I think it's awesome you didn't fly off the handle at him for getting naked in front of other people first, even if he was inebriated.
I would have zero tolerance for this from my fiance, although I know he would never do that because he wouldn't want me naked in front of other people, and if he were to do it that would be the end of the relationship for at least awhile.
YOur bf, in my opinion, was being completely direspectful to you and completely disregarded your feelings in front of you. Is he always like that? DId he say anything to you sober afterwards? Did he apologize?
If he cares for you he shouldn't have done that to you, he shouldn't have put you in that position in the first place, but he did. Only you can decide where to go from here. You need to decide if you can sit down and talk to him face to face and get real honest answers from him, break up with him because you can't know for sure if he is going to be hanging out with this girl while you are at work or if you can warn him and give him another chance.
I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel about the situation and what you're concerns are. He should listen to you and be empathetic, apologize and you two should move from there. If he doesn't, then I would lose him. YOu deserve better than that. A lot better than that.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 No you are not being unreasonable. Yes you should be concered by what you over heard him saying to C. So talk to him now that he's sober and lay it on the line. Since you are so easy going he may forget where the boundaries really are, and it's better he know them before he doesn't something stupid and harmful to your relationship. No it's not acceptable for him to hang out with these women while you're away, no he cannot hang naked with anyone but you. Don't make me check up on you! Just do the right thing and if he's not sure what that is, he should ask himself if you were doing these things with another guy while he was at work, how would he feel?....Maybe that will help.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (1 May 2011):
 A lot of people here will probably dissagree with me.
But aren't you supposed to get a little wild and crazy while your still young enough to enjoy it? God knows you aren't going to want to drop your clothes in front of your friends 10 years and a couple of kids from now....
So why not let him sow his wild oats a little now, as long as he only does it when he is with you and has no intentions of cheating on you or taking things any futher than a naked dip in a hot tub. It's fun to be a little naughty with your partner. And afterwards, you get to go home and have hot sex with each other. As long as no one goes to far with it.
So how far is too far for him? How far is too far for you? These are the things you too need to discuss with each other before the next party. Maybe it's not even a matter of bounderies for you, but a matter of his drinking. Is he drinking more than he used to? Would he ever have stripped off his clothes and got in if he had not been drinking in the first place? If not, then talk to him about it.
Otherwise, just relax and picture yourselves 25 years from now, sitting together watching your grandkids play, and sharing a good laugh about the time you two got naked in a hot tub together. It can be a happy memory for the two of you, or a bad one, depending on what you do with it.
But I warn you if you do choose to be a wet blanket about it, he may either resent you for it, or he might stop being as open and honest with you about exploring some of his real life fantasies.
Personally, I think that he will be a better husband to you later if you can be a more excepting girlfriend to him now.
Just to be clear about this, I am not asking you to break, or compromise your own beliefs about what is right or wrong, just to bend a little. After all you did take off your swim suit and get into the hot tub with him.
As for the comment he made to that girl, well I would not read to much into one isolated comment he made when he was drunk. I think he was just saying he had a lot of fun and would like to do it again sometime. Which tells me (and should tell you) that he enjoyed it and wants to repeat it someday.
So do you want to be around if he ever decides to do it again, or not? Would you rather that he hides it from you?
Otherwise your only choice is to throw a fit and forbid him from ever doing it again, and hope he honors your request.
Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but if he ever does do it again, I am fairly certain you'll never hear about it, unless someone lets it slip.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (1 May 2011):
 No you're not being unreasonable. I would be really hurt and feel betrayed if my boyfriend said that to another girl in front of me. I'd be gutted in fact. It's just not cool. I wouldn't want him to say things like behind my back nevermind in my earshot.
To be fair though, he could have said it as a joke, but even so, it was extremely insesnsite. And to "hang out naked" doesn't sound like an innocent request you'd ask of a platonic friend.
I don't know what to suggest you do, but know that I think you are completly within your rights to feel the way you do. He acted like an arse. A man who loves you should never put you in that position. I would also doubt his loyalty to you. But only you know him well enough to judge that. Was it meant as a harmless joke? Or did you get the vibe he meant it and would actually "hang out naked" with one of his female friends, given the chance? You were in earshot that time, and the girl did the right thing by reminding him about you. But what if something like that happened again, or if another girl wasn't bothered about being with another girl's man? Do you think he would act on it?
Only you can judge this, but no, you are not being unreasonable. Yes, his actions were off. He should at least acknowledge how hurtful and disrespectful he was and appologise. If he does and you feel he wouldn't actually cheat, then forgive him and move on. It is forgivable if this is the case.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (1 May 2011):
No. Many people would consider this unacceptable behaviour from their other half. C herself realised that and thus pointed out to him that he has a girlfriend. Obviously you should remember that this may not have been a comment with serious intent behind it on your boyfriend’s part, but the result of a few drinks. However, it’s perfectly understandable that you would feel unhappy about it-and you’ve every right to. There is no clearly defined boundary of what’s acceptable and unacceptable. He is entitled to have female friends and it’s good that you respect that right, but proposing to get naked in front of them is quite another matter. Being faithful in a relationship means not crossing boundaries and acting in a way that would not be acceptable to your partner, so you should tell him that you weren’t happy with the comment, less than comfortable with the situation he persuaded you to get involved in on this occasion, and that you cannot accept him getting naked with other girls. He ought to respect that. Tell him straight-make sure he knows your boundaries.
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A
female
reader, justnicky +, writes (1 May 2011):
 i don't think you are being unreasonable at all. i can you right now if my bf was drunk or not there would be troule if he stripped down to nothing in front of another girl. this is just plain insensitive. i'm sorry. but by no means are you being unreasonable. hope everything works out
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