A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i need some advice. i fell in love with my best friend. it's slowly progressed over the years i've known her. as we've grown closer and closer, my feelings have deepened and deepened.we don't have your typical relationship. we never have. acquaintances even notice and point out the apparent obvious chemistry and spark between us. the problem is that she's in a committed, stable relationship. and i would never be one to encourage cheating, especially since i really respect the guy she's with. he treats her very well and is a great guy. she is my best friend, after all, first and foremost. and i have her best interests at heart.but we constantly say things to one another that i often find myself thinking only a couple would say to each other. for example last night while laying down for bed she texted me saying "i'm keeping my phone right under my pillow so when you text i can see your pic pop up ;)" and my response to this was "it's like i'm right there with you, just where i belong." us both insinuating we should be laying in bed together. this kind of stuff happens almost nightly.i know this girl extremely well, and i know she's not trying to just mess with my head or be manipulative like some girls do. and i also know she's not one to be unfaithful or make comments like that to anyone while she's in a relationship. our intentions with each other are genuine. i think she just gets confused. i guess i just don't know where to go from here or how to play it. the rational side of me knows that she's with someone right now, so i just need to get these thoughts out of my head. but then again, there's this other part of me that wholeheartedly feels deep down that she's the girl i'm supposed to be with. and to make matters worse, her boyfriend messaged me the other day and told me to start buttering her up about him because he's going to pop the question this summer. of course, being her friend, i told him how happy that would make her and that i would do it.maybe i should just let this go and chalk it up to a loss? or should i find a way to let her know exactly how i feel before he proposes? i'm just scared that if i confess my true feelings, even if she does feel it back, she isn't in a place to act on it right now. and that will give her boyfriend a very legitimate reason not to let her talk to me anymore. and i couldn't take that. but i also couldn't take sitting by and watching him propose without at least letting her know how i truly feel. please help! what should i do??
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 If it wasn't for him intending to propose, I would say not tell her. Because the right time to tell her is when she is single, and in a position to make that decision on whether or not she wants to be with you.
BUT, the guy is planning to ask her to marry him. You are running out of time. I think you should tell her. But you need to think carefully on how to do this. First, I will warn you that it could be one sided. Some girls are comfortable being intimate with friends, and see them as nothing more. She must have a great relationship with her boyfriend since he's planning to pop the question, and she wouldn't be having such a great relationship if she secretly wanted YOU. So be warned... you could be reading too much into her "flirts". For example she was not insinuating that you and her should be in bed together when she commented on keeping her phone under her pillow. It could mean very little, and something she just randomly said, and it could very well be that she considers what you replied with as nothing but a friendly joke.
So I think you should tell her, if you truly do love her. But, without ANY hopes for a relationship. Tell her you love her because that is the truth, but also tell her that you respect your friendship, and her relationship, and knowing that you can only hope for friendship at most you will accept that.
You must not mention that her boyfriend has planned to ask her to marry him. But you should also tell the boyfriend that actually.. you aren't feeling comfortable about sweet talking to her about him. Tell him you do not oppose the relationship they have, but that you do not want to get mixed in too much.
Can you live with only having a friendship with your friend? If she chooses to marry this man, can you accept that? You might have to spend some time apart and not see her for a while, as I am pretty sure it will hurt. But then you will get over it in time, or at least it will feel better and you will be able to enter a relationship with someone else and be happy.
Im just saying, life doesn't end for you even if she does end up marrying someone else. You love her, and having her in your life, even if it is just as a friend, will give you happiness.
But yes, tell her how you feel about her so she knows before she ends up engaged or married. Live your life with no regrets!! Don't look back and think "what if I had told her...."
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