A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half, with a short 1 month hiatus after about 3 months. I am having difficulty dealing with some issues that have come up.Her mother is currently dating the father of one of my girlfriend's ex boyfriends. This particular ex boyfriend is now in prison due to having tons of child pornography on his computer. I didn't ask for this information, my gf just blurted it all out one night. She dated this "man" for over a year but swears she didn't know what he was up to. She thinks that his father, my girlfriend's mother's boyfriend, knew about his "issue" and said nothing to her. I want to believe her, but it's like every time the topic comes up, the story changes.This is a woman I could see myself marrying and having children with, but this is a major issue to me, especially if we have kids and this pervert gets out of jail. My questions are:1. am I making a big deal out of nothing? 2. does the fact that my girlfriend dated a pedophile, supposedly unknowingly, say something about her?3. finally, how do I deal with the fact that every time there's a family event I may have to deal with this man? I think if I saw him I would feel compelled to hurt him.Thanks for your help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): I am the original poster. Thank you all for your answers. After the initial shock of the conversation wore off, I can agree that she didn't know about the pedophilia. It's always surprising to me how you can be around a person so long yet know so little about them.However, I must disagree with the posters saying that this is not an important issue. I will not allow someone like that near my family and I will not be amicable about preventing that from happening. We are not talking about theft or general delinquency here, we're talking about pure evil. I have talked to my gf about this issue and she agrees completely.Unfortunately, this also puts the mother's boyfriend's poor treatment of myself and my girlfriend in perspective. I understand the poster who mentioned that he would not sabotage his child's life, however the fact that he was aware of the problem and allowed my gf, his lover's daughter, to be hurt so badly is unforgivable.Thank you again.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 June 2011):
 How does her dating a pedophile reflect on her? If she didn't know (and I'm fairly sure she didn't) then this doesn't say anything about her or her personality. Often pedophiles are extremely charming people who act like perfectly normal members of society on the outside. I can't really imagine his father really knew much beforehand, but a) it doesn't make him a pedophile too and b) it's in a parent's nature to protect his child. He wouldn't knowingly ruin his son's life. It may be wrong, but I can't think of many parents who wouldn't do anything to protect their child in every way possible. You need to stop punishing your girlfriend for this. I'm sure it was traumatic enough to find out her ex was a pedophile, it's not her fault at all for not knowing.
For seeing him at events, you need to be civil. You don't have to be nice, you don't have to act like you like him, but you do need to be civil to him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 It's not your gf's fault if she run into a pedophile, it's not like they go around with a sign on that says "Dirty old perv" and not necessarily they loiter around playgrounds with a leery wolfish grin on their face. The tragedy in fact is that so many of them look and act like regular guys with normal social lives and wives and kids of their own. You can't blame your gf for not having guessed his secret.
As for family events,hopefully your mother in law would have enough common sense NOT to invite your future children AND a convicted pedophile to celebrate together her birthday, but in case she did not, you can simply avoid to attend , I don't think skipping a few family parties would have any negative impact on your social/love life !
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 June 2011):
 1. I think you're making mountains out of mole hills. Let this info go, it doesn't have anything to do with you.
2. This is something that happened in her past, which she shouldn't be held accountable for today. She didn't participate in pedophilia with him, and was completely unaware. Imagine if you had dated someone who was secretly a pedophile, I'd feel disgusted and ashamed at myself for not knowing.
It's sounds like something she needed to get off her chest, although it was better off left a secret. He's behind bars where he belongs and it's not her fault that she unknowingly dated a pedophile. That's that.
3. Her mother is dating her ex's father, she's not married to him. So I wouldn't worry about family reunions. Besides I'm sure he's going to be in the slammer for quite a long time. Even if you were placed in that situation in the future and had children, then I'm sure you'd opt out of the family event or keep your children near you at all times.
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A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (6 June 2011):
 I'd be more concerned about the story changing each time than the presence of a guy who is a few steps removed from you.
You are dealing with at least two likely unreliable narrators (possibly three, if you include your girlfriend). Assume that no one is telling the whole truth, and that the actual truth is probably somewhere in between. By that I mean, it is likely that the father knew, and your girlfriend's mother may have found out sometime thereafter. So what do you do then?
At that point, the choice is yours. The fact that this bothers you suggests that this is an issue that may rise to the level of deal-breaker, but only you can make that choice. Best of luck to you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): Her dating a pedophile says nothing about her. Now, if she actively participated in pedophilia with him (which, clearly she did not), that would be a different story.
Men who seem perfectly normal in every other facet of life can be pedophiles. She honestly probably had no idea, and you don't need to doubt that. She is probably fairly embarrassed that she did date him and didn't know, which is why her story might not always seem cohesive. She doesn't want to divulge the full details about how nasty he is, nor does she want to get too in-depth about her former lovers. (Would you want her to know about every crazy ex girlfriend you've ever had?) You're definitely making a big deal out of nothing.
As for meeting the guy in person, be amicable. He has received his punishment from the justice system, and it's not up to you to deliver a punishment, too. It might be hard to do, but I have faith that you can restrain yourself.
Best of luck!
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