A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I can't tell if my boyfriend really likes me or if I'm just being too demanding. We've been together for about six months now. We spend almost every day together but we do not live together. We also speak on the phone every day, even if it's just a few minutes, or else we'll send each other a text now and then. But sometimes I feel like I do more in the relationship. I won't go into what I do because I don't want this to be a comparison thing... But I feel like I care more than he does, and in some ways I don't know if he really really likes me at all, which hurts. He always tells me that he misses me and loves/likes me, but I feel like I can't really rely on these words when I don't see it backed up with action. And sometimes I feel like he makes an effort only when it's convenient for himself. For exmaple, he was out of town this weekend for work. Whenever he's out of town, he'll call and we'll chat and usually he says I should have gone with him. This time I asked in advance whether I should go with him. But he said he would be busy so no. I then made my own plans with friends this weekend. In the middle of the weekend, he then texts me to come up to see him. I thought it was a little inconsiderate of him to think that I would just drop my plans to go see him. If he had wanted me there, then we could have planned it in advance. I then found out that he had bought a new vehicle. I then felt that he wanted me to come up to see him only because of convenience. He drives to this work event, and since he bought another vehicle, he needs the help to take both vehicles back home. When I asked him, he said no that wasn't it, he said it was because he missed me. But I don't know. He then got upset because he felt like I was accusing him of using me. I'm not sure. In all fairness, though, I can't say he treats me badly at all. He does treat me out, he drives me to places, he'll pay, he does all the chivalrous things (open car doors). When I'm at his home, he'll make sure I have something to drink, make sure that I'm warm, etc. He'll call me, he'll text me first. But I know he does this with his friends as well. I guess I'm just not feeling like he's doing anything special and out of the ordinary for me. In fact, when we first started dating, he asked me if I was the type that is self-absorbed or if I was the type that really did stuff for her bf. I feel like when he brings stuff like that up, it's about what can I do for him, and not so much what he can do for me. I also feel like he says stuff that he doesn't follow through on, whether it's a planned trip or something as simple as a phone call. And it's not about the trip or the phone call or whatever. I won't be upset or sad if we don't take trips or he doesn't make that one call, but it makes me a little sad that he doesn't follow through with something he's saying. And not because I need him to be an exact man of his word, because I realize that's hard for anyone to do, but because it makes me think that he doesn't care all that much for me. I mean, it just makes me think he's not all that into me. I tried to talk to him about this a little. But he'll get really defensive. He'll make excuses, and then he'll end up feeling terrible and by the end of the conversation I'm doing my best to cheer him up and I'm apologizing for making him feel terrible. I realize I probably didn't bring the issue up appropriately, and I need to talk to him about this (if I do at all) in a better way. But the thing is, I'm not angry with him at all. If this is who he is, then that's fine... But I can't help but take it all to mean that he doesn't care about me. I think if I knew that he didn't care about me, then I dont' want to waste anymore time in this relationship. I just can't tell. I dont' have a lot of experience in more serious relationships to be honest, so I probably have a lot to learn and get used to. But is this normal? Or am I being too demanding to think that he needs to do more to show that he likes me as much as I like him?Any insight is helpful, thank you so much in advance! And thank you for reading such a long problem!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 June 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps you do do much more for him (in your eyes), than he does for you and maybe he feels a certain expectation that he should reciprocate in return.
Even if you don't say it to him in so many words, he probably senses it anyway. With the accompanying sense of guilt.
When there is an imbalance in a relationship like this, and you do seem to feel that there is, the one who is having things done for them all the time - which is him - can make that person feel as though there is nothing that could possibly match up to what is done for them. Hence the imbalance.
The more you do, the less there is left for him to do himself, to try to please you.
In some cases, it could feel like they are being controlled by the "doer". Especially, the more they do it's like doing all those things for him, is taking control of almost everything that happens in the relationship. Maybe he feels powerless in some way.
Even though you love/like him and naturally like to do nice things for him, why not try doing less. It doesn't mean you don't care, but it is giving him a chance to give to you instead. He then has a sense of making a difference in your life - instead of the other way around.
Quite often, less is more. You can actually do too much sometimes. When you do a lot - as you do - for him, you could appear to be putting his needs ahead of your own. A bit like being his slave. This is how men can think, when you do that.
This can then lead to him feeling the sense of expectation of him, to do the same in return for you. So to him, it could be considered the same as controlling him - or trying to control him. Doing this can make a woman appear needy, which is not particularly attractive to a man.
So how about doing things to please yourself more often, don't wait on him hand and foot and actually let him do something for you for a change.
To give to someone you love, is really special. It's ok to receive, but there does need to be balance. Each of you then has a sense of personal fulfilment equally.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): While it's true that his question about whether you were self-absorbed or liked doing stuff for your BF is a little off-putting and questionable, and it is strange that he would tell you not to come because he's busy, turn around and buy a car and then want you to come, I'm not sure that this is really indicative of anything other than he's an oblivious guy.
Not all guys are like this, of course.
It sounds like he does care for you -- make sure you are warm, comfortable, etc. and take you out on dates. If he didn't care about your feelings, I honestly don't think he'd do these things.
If this is a really big problem for you, there's no reason to continue a relationship with this man. If you don't mind, then by all means, continue. He'll either give you a real reason to break up with him, or he'll continue being the same. Just be aware of anything he's doing that you don't like or that furthers your belief that he's using you. If you keep getting that feeling, you can't be happy in this relationship. Be mindful of your own feelings.
Good job not canceling your plans with other friends after he left but then wanted you to visit. Things like that will send him the message that you have a life, too, and aren't going to drop everything you're doing because of his whims. Once he gets that message, he might understand that he was dominating a lot of your time and expecting a lot out of you.
Best of luck!
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