A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been dating for 20months. I have a long history with him. We were friends before we dated for about 8yrs. I love him very much and have been wanting him to ask me to marry him.He actually proposed to me two days ago. It definitely didn't go as I had imagined. He was dropping me off from a party we went to. We just finished having an argument because a guy at the party had no shirt on, and admitedly he was very hot. He said he felt uncomfortable and asked the guy to keep his shirt on. I told him that it wasn't a big deal and that it was one of my friends' party and if he felt uncomfortable he should have just told me. My boyfriend had gotten jealous, he is not in good shape. I reasured my boyfriend that I love him and that I want him only. We started to tell eachother how much we love eachother (we are corny like that)lol. He then proceeds to get out of the car goes around the car to where I am and gets down on once knee and with out a ring proposes to me. I was very disaponted. Why on earth would he chose this moment, place, and w/out a ring to propose to me with. I was shocked. All I could say was that I would think about it. He looked heartbroken when I said that. But it just felt weird. It was not the time/nor the place and without a ring. How on earth do I tell that story. Last week my lil siters' (19 yrs old)boyfriend of 3 yrs proposed to her on top of a faris wheel in Santa Barbara, ring and all. My brother in law proposed to my sister at the beach as the sun was setting with an engagment ring on hand. They have been happily married for 7 yrs. How on earth am I supposed to tell my family am engaged. I know the first thing they will ask is to see the ring. If they don't see one they will just laugh at me. I felt like such an idiot. I am glad that I didn't accept. I talked to him about it already. I explained that I love him. But that I felt that he was being selfish by asking me at the wrong moment. He said he asked because he couldn't hold it in much longer. But I think when a man loves a woman he bites his tongue until he is ready, nice place, ring and all. I know I have bit my tongue to tell him or preasure him to marry me. Do you think I should feel concered about the way and the place he asked me? Is this like a bad sign for the future? He said he couldn't hold it in any longer. Should I be concered as to his capacity to keep it together? I am thinking about starting a family with him. I feel like he had a moment of emotional inestability. What should I do? And should I have said yes? Am I being unreasonable?
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Thanks for the follow-up. Good luck with the coming engagement and marriage. If you can continue to examine your actions and motivations the way you did here, you will do well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): Thank you for the follow up. You should be proud of yourself, I know we are just a bunch of strangers, but you still came back and said you know what, you're right, that takes guts, more importantly you have worked out that you don't care as much as you thought you did to what you family think, your fiance, should be very proud
Congratulations!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Good for you! Your family laughing and not liking your man is their problem, not yours. You know what makes you happy in life, and when your man makes you happy they are the fools who can't appreciate him just as much as you do.
I also think you went about this in a nice manner, girls really aren't wired like guys (most guy I'd think at least). I for one am not. I also find it hard to go from one feeling to the other, it takes time for my mood to change even after everything is fine and nice again! So I agree with you on that one. But when it all comes down to it, you have a nice and lovely story of your own now!
Good luck to you both and congratulations on your engagement!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok SOO after a lot of soul searching, and REALLY thinking about the question or proposal that he made. About there being no ring and the actual proposal,not the way I had envisioned it aside; I called him and asked to see him. He came over and he told me that he was sorry for asking at not precisely the adaquate time. He said he wanted to "make it up" to me. But then I said that there was nothing to make up. I told him that I was sorry for the way I had responded, but truely I was just surprised. You know, I told him, "Women are not wired like men, how were you expecting me to go from one emotion (annoyed and a lil angry) to completely head over heals in love with you with in 5 minutes?". I have answered his question, finally. So we are engaged!! I am very happy. And maybe my story isn't like completely what I had envisioned but it is OURS and I will never forget it.
I did tell my family and they have asked to see a ring. Since I still don't have one they actually did laugh at me and took it as a joke. To be honest I don't care as much as I though I would about their reaction. It's probably because they have never really liked him that much, eventhough, he has tried tremendously to win them over. Thanks to everyone who replied. You guys really made me see the Purpose of a marriage proposal, not the way in which it is proposed, but what is really important is our love, commitment, understanding, and future we will share together.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 February 2011):
The fact that he proposed at all should be enough. Yes, it's nice if it's romantic - but what's more important is that you have your own story, and your own future.
I'm sure you realize just how overly-entitled it's sounds to want a proposal done the "right" way, which is why you're here. However, you're not concerned with whether youve have genuine feelings for each other or a possible future together - you're concerned with comparing your story and ring to what your friends and sisters got. You're taking what should be a deeply personal, intimate matter and making it fuel for a pissing contest.
The concern about the ring in particular is something you should really reflect on. Your family won't laugh when you don't have a ring - and if they do, that's a serious character flaw on their part. Nor should you be concerned with how nice the ring is - it's a symbol, nothing more. Side note: back in the day, the ring actually would have monetary value as insurance against him taking your virginity and then jilting you - obviously the whole expensive, nice ring thing is somewhat obsolete as a concept.
He asked when he did because he felt it was necessary to lock you down after the events at the party. This means he has been ready to ask you for a while, probably waiting for the right time, but your flippant attitude regarding the shirtless guy made him think he had to make a move of his own. In the future, patience and understanding in everyday eents would be a good way to keep him from making rash decisions like that.
It's also worth pointing out how devastating it is to a guy to propose, and hear "I'll think about it." Worse even than just "No." I'd be willing to bet however you feel about htis, he feels twice as bad.
Call him up as soon as you read this and give him a definite answer - yes or no.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (8 February 2011):
 The story gets better!!
I admit, I was a little bummed out when my fella proposed, mostly because I had heard these amazing stories and seen the movies and had plenty of time to concoct the perfect proposal for me. Well, he ended up proposing on Valentine's Day (I would have NEVER picked that day - way too trite and expected), while I was sitting on a bed wearing sweatpants, an oversized sweatshirt, no makeup, hair all wild, with a mouth full of Chinese food. I could not BELIEVE that he thought that was the right moment. And when he asked, all I could think was "Seriously?", and was kind of let down. I said yes, but admit that I was disappointed. I felt like a jerk for feeling so disappointed, but I was.
Well, three years later (at least, a week from now), I really love the story. It's not classic romance, it's not some big, bold, Hollywood proposal, and it's not how I would have proposed to myself, but it's our story. And it makes me laugh thinking about my mouth crammed full of Chinese food... instead of "yes" it came out more like "ymmphh". I love thinking about the look on his face, his nervousness and sincerity. And our marriage has been really awesome. That proposal was the beginning of a fantastic life together.
I really like your story. It's passionate, sweet, spontaneous. You have the story that I wanted, I think. I really wanted it to come from a burst of passion and love for me. I wanted it to come out of the blue. You got that! He clearly felt in his heart that he wanted to marry you. That is a really amazing story. He didn't have a moment of emotional instability, he had a rush of emotion for you. That is really great. And super sweet.
I think you definitely overreacted in this case, and now I think you are painting him to be this selfish, unstable guy. That's not fair. He sounds like a guy who is really excited about you, and I think he was 100% in the right. I understand how you feel, but I don't think you handled this the right way at all. You should take some time and think about whether or not he is someone you love, like, and if he will make a good husband, partner and father. Those are things that will matter in the long run, certainly not when you got the ring. Good luck, sweet thing!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 February 2011):
I've been proposed to one time already. There was no ring. And it was a spur of the moment thing. I wasn't disappointed at all because I haven't spent enormous amounts of time thinking about what WAY anyone will propose, but wondering if they'll propose at all, if we could be a good couple in the future etc. My now ex-fiancée and me were just goofing around one day, being playful. He picked me up and carried me in his arms as we were laughing, and then looked down at me and asked me if I'd marry him.
I laughed it off as a joke. He smiled, but said he was serious. I took a few days to think about it, and then accepted. We then went on to shopping for a ring together, which he later on got for me without me knowing exactly when. One day he just dropped down on one knee and asked me in a cute way to marry him, presenting the ring. I was sitting by the computer working when he asked.
I never ever felt embarrassed about telling that story, in fact I think it's really cute and charming. It was a bad idea for him to ask, and for me to accept, as everything was too spontaneous and neither he or I had even considered it properly. Hence why we're not a couple any more. That's the only think I'd worry about with a spontaneous proposal: that it's not well thought through in the sense that he's not sure if he actually WANTS to marry. My ex-fiancée for instance kept changing his mind about actually wanting to marry me, breaking my heart each time.
But you have thought about marrying him for a while. And as long as he's actually THOUGHT it through, and is completely sure this is what he wants... then a spontaneous proposal isn't a problem, nor is it unromantic. And I feel sorry for these men who have their hearts broken over it. It's not a problem they have, it's a problem YOU have. If you can't get over it then maybe they aren't your kind of guy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 February 2011):
You're being unreasonable. And I really do not understand why some women make such a fuzz about the exact way of the proposal. Your biggest concern should be: do I want to marry him? NOT: what will my family think?!
Why on earth does what your family think about the proposal play any given part in your private affairs? Do you also wonder what they will think if you fart in bed? Your proposal is between your man and yourself, and if someone wants to laugh at it I suggest you set them straight.
What would you tell your family? Well for one you could tell them that he proposed in a moment of feeling filled with so much love for you he couldn't hold it back any longer. It was honest, genuine, and with real emotion. Not some fake plastic wrapped diddeli-doo out of a movie. A REAL LIFE proposal without the horrible cheesy-ness. Proposals are between the couple who wants to marry each other, they're not a theater act put on for show to please everyone else and to be graded with points and then compared and for one to be judged better than the other.
I'd be thrilled by such a proposal, given of course that it came from a man I'd actually want to marry.
Excuse yourself with being shocked, and then propose to him instead. As much as you've shunned him for is "lousy" proposal he's not going to ask you again. So if you actually want him it's time to drop the act and pretense that you're an actress in some Hollywood movie, and ask him yourself.
Unless you mean to tell us that you don't want to marry a man who proposes in any other way than what you want him to. Have you even told him that you have such a fixed idea about it? Because if you need him to ask your fathers permission first (etc.), TELL HIM, so he knows. Maybe you should also throw in how "I need MY proposal to top the ones of my sister and cousin". And add how the cousin and sister got proposed to so he knows what he's up against.
But really: apologize, excuse yourself with being shocked and surprised, and then propose yourself. Don't play games, you want to marry this guy, don't loose him over such a petty thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Hey i know exactly how you feel my proposal sucked !!! i had given my finance ideas and when he did it he just did it and yes it matters how he does it I know it might sound selfish on my behalf but this is not an everyday thing this is a once in a life time !!! When they ask me how he did it i always have to lie because it wasn't romantic or anything ! we have been engaged for about a year now and i still feel very sad and very disappointed about it but he i told him how i felt and he felt devastated and heart broken because like yours he Just couldn't wait !!! he has offered me a second proposal to make it up but i refused because the first one is the only one your going to remember.But i just have to move on and live with it. But at the moment of the proposal it didnt matter how he did it...it just matter how i felt but when i think about it i an left heart broken because he didnt pay attention to details or the clues i was giving him. so just go with the feeling of your heart and dont think about what other will say. good luck !!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): *Why on earth would he chose this moment,*
Maybe, right at that moment, he had just loved you so much he couldn't help himself but ask you? Maybe not having a ring was because he wanted you to go shopping together to pick it, that is one of if the nicest shopping trip I have ever been on. I think when a man has the ring he is being very presumptuous that you will say yes
For the record right up until you said I'll think about it is was a great proposal story.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Hmm I'm going to have to disagree with the two (male) posters and say that it does matter. Perhaps not so much for a man but for a woman it makes a huge difference how he proposes!
The first thing everyone wants to see is the engagement ring, the second is the story of how he proposed! And they have both better be good!
If he doesn't know you well enough to realise that this is important then your response of wanting to think about it is definitely appropriate....
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 "I think when a man loves a woman he bites his tongue until he is ready, nice place, ring and all."
Rubbish! You've got both your sister's engagements in your mind and you're comparing them to yours as to how good of a story they make...
Marriage is about love for god sake. What you may think is a bit of a disappointing unconventional proposal, others may find is incredibly romantic... My sisters husband proposed to her whilst they were surfing. He just paddled up, no ring or anything and popped the question. Maybe its just me, but spontaneity can still be romantic and it certainly makes for a more interesting story than popping the question in a restaurant... *yawn*
Read into this proposal too much and you'll be sabotaging something that may be worth sticking with.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Freak out much? Jeeze. LOL
Should you be concerned about the way he asked you?
Only if that's really important to you. What's bigger is that he asked at all. To many people, that's what really matters.
Is this a bad sign for the future?
Really? C'mon. Really?
Should you be concerned about his capacity to keep it together?
Possibly due to the jealousy issues. I wouldn't be too concerned about it in regard to the proposal though. He just doesn't sound like the romantic planner type. After 8 years, you should have a good feel for him. At least I'd hope you do.
Should you have said yes?
Not if you weren't happy with the way it was done. Just reassure him that it's not that you don't want to marry him, but it has to feel right when he asks. Tell him you're traditional and want a nice story to be able to share like the ones you shared here.
Are you being unreasonable?
A little, but some things are ok to be unreasonable about. This kind of falls into that category.
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