A
female
age
30-35,
*aura94
writes:My parents are on about moving to Devon and wanting me to come with them, as my mum has said she wont move unless I go with her, however I recently got back with my ex boyfriend I know we haven't been out for long but it feels like forever and at the moment were up in York but I don't want to leave him as I've known him forever I think we could get far. my question really is what should I do, should i ask him to join us and he can move with us as he likes my parents and they like him to. Please could you just give me some advice on what to dothank you.xx
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 It's a bad idea , for the reasons all the other posters have mentioned.( And btw if your parents are cool with it, hats off to them, they must be the nicest parents ever. I know that I would not be willing to sacrifice my privacy, comfort and convenience in order to let a 16 y.o. child play the happy couple ).
It's also a bad idea , because it's born out of insecurity and fear . You are afraid that if you don't stick to him like glue, your separation is going to be final , and you are going to lose him. That should not be the case if you have strong, mutual feelings. You should be able to handle a LDR for a while - a reasonable period of time, in which finishing your education, evaluating the job opportunities for him in your new area, finding him an accomodation close to you but not IN your parent's house, etc.etc- doing things with some common sense, in short.
If this relationship is on such shaky ground that " out of sight " would mean "out of love ", bringing him to Devon may artificially extend its life span for a while- but not much , then there would be a lot of logistic problems for everybody.If it is instead solid and committed, it will stand the test of time and separation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): OP if your love is as strong as you say then he can wait a little while and you won't lose him if you move away, it'll just take a little bit more work to see him. As far as college is concerned then you both have to make the best choice as regarding your career not your relationship. Career comes first at your age OP.
I know it doesn't feel like it will but most relationships at your age don't last, they really don't and if you or he put aside your life and the best career path just to be together and the relationship goes wrong, it will be something that will have a massive negative impact on your life in the future. If he or you were to take a crappy course that is not your first or best option career-wise for the 3 or 4 years it takes to do a degree then that can really screw you up for a long time even if you were still to be together in 10 years if you put aside your career and end up in a crappy one then you'll be very unhappy and life will be a struggle.
What you're proposing is a massive life decision based on the wrong reasons OP. Love is only part of what makes us happy, it can't make us happy on its own. It doesn't conquer all and it's not worth giving up everything for. It really isn't, no matter how "right" it feels. Practicality is key in everything. If it's not the best choice to make in regards to your career or other aspects of your life then it's not going to work. Honestly have a search through this site and read the amount of people that made the mistake of giving up a career or going to a crappy college just to be closer to a boy/girl and see how miserable and trapped they feel.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Laura,I think there is alot at play here. If your honest this is also as much about you not wanting to go through what will feel like losing him again. I get that; I dont think you should give up on the idea entirely, its not a bad idea, its just the wrong time; things have to be right in timing and in what they are.
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female
reader, laura94 +, writes (15 April 2011):
laura94 is verified as being by the original poster of the question when we move i'll be starting collage, i know its a nig thing to ask him considering im only16 and hes older and has a life up in York. however i dont want to lose him by moving to quick which both of you said i was thinking. but when we was talking about it we did mention that we both stayed and my sister moved down with my parents instead or that he comes with me and my parents but I thought it was a good idea at the time but im still confused on what to do as i would like him to be happy know matter what.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Well my initial reaction is no - it is not a good idea at all.
1. Have you actually asked your family if he can live with you? That is a lot to ask of them, and very unfair to them - he is not their child, why should they feed him, pay for the roof over his head - basically act as parents to him when he is not their son?! There is a BIG difference between 'liking' him and wanting him to live with the family, I am sure your parents get on with him and think he is a nice boy but I am pretty sure that only applies to when he is visiting, not for living with you permanently!
2. Have you thought about your boyfriend in this? I imagine all his friends and family are in York, his entire life is there so it is not fair of you to ask him to move so many miles away from them all just for you. He will be going to school/colllege I imagine, he cant just up and leave all that behind either. I am pretty sure your boyfriend wont want to move, it is too much for him to give up especially for a girl who he has not had a stable relationship with (you have already broken up once!).
3. You are only what, 16 or 17? And you have already broken up with this boy before? The relationship is not safe and secure enough to even consider moving in together, let alone have him living with your family. What if you broke up again? Could you imagine that, he would have moved all that way just for you and he would be in your parents home, he would have nowhere to go and would have given up everything back home too so he would have nothing to go back to. And you are so young, far too young to understand the responsibilities, stress and pressure that comes with living with your partner.
If you really are serious about this boy and think it will work, then you need to take it slow because it has already gone wrong once before. If you put too much pressure on now and move in together, I promise you there will be another break up in the not so distant future. Long distance is hard, but now with Skype and the internet, it is not so bad. When you are at school/university you have plenty of holidays, so you will be able to visit each other frequently.
I think it would be best if you just take it slow with your boyfriend, see how it goes - and if you do manage to make long distance work then it shows just how strong your relationship is. And if you manage to stay together for a year or so, then maybe you can think about moving in together. But moving in together now would be a REALLY bad idea.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (15 April 2011):
I strongly endorse the solution Cerberus suggests. I think if you take him down straight away with you there are going to be problems, initially not between yourselves maybe but involving the people around you. I think if you want to make this last, no matter how hard it is, the right choice is to move, and then at a later time ask him to move down with you. It isn't going to be easy and for that im sorry - but I think if you wait another opportunity for you to be closer together will present itself. If he comes now im not convinced it will work at all. I hope that helps. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This doesn't sound like a practical idea to me. A couple of questions, have you talked to your parents about this and what do they think about this idea? How old is your boyfriend, is he still in school? How long are you together in total and why did you break up in the first place?
OP we can't possibly advise you on the best course of action on this without these details. I can only say that you can't ask him anything without being sure of the details first. Just because your parents like him doesn't mean they'd accept this automatically.
While everything may seem amazing and special right now, you broke up before and there's nothing to say that won't happen again.
If he's still in school then his parents might be against this, not only that but he'd have to completely change around his life to move down with you and if things didn't work out between you and him then he'd be majorly screwed as he'd have everything set up down there and would have redo everything to move back. I know you feel you'll be with him forever but you broke up already so it will most likely happen again.
It's also far too soon too in terms of your relationship. You need time to see if getting back together is going to work or not. Plus moving in together too soon is the best way to ruin a relationship. It really is.
You and he would have to live with your parents and you'd have no privacy, if you were to have a fight about something then you'd have nowhere to go to get away from him. OP that is something which is very hard to get used to. Even the smallest of arguments become tens times worse because you have no escape from the argument as that person is right there in front of you all the time. It honestly takes years to develop a relationship to the level of maturity where that is no longer an issue, because you can literally grow to resent someone long term over the most minor of things if you haven't already built up the structures within a relationship to cope with that kind of thing. You literally have to have a relationship as close as a sister or brother, or parents where you can fight but ten minutes later everything is good again. That takes years some people never achieve that.
OP the absolutely most vital component of moving in with a partner is practicality. This is something which you will have no concept of at the moment because the reason you want to ask him is love and love alone. You might think that's enough but it's not, not by a long shot. People that move in together because one is moving away and they don't want to miss each other, that never works OP unless it's practical too. It took me a long time to figure that one out, I had to have 3 live in partners in which I only moved in with them for similar reasons to you to figure that one out. You see like you I thought moving together would be all unicorns and fairies dancing in a summer meadow, because we were madly in love, how could it not be?
It doesn't work like that at all I'm afraid. So many things can and do go wrong when you move in with someone especially at your age. The only time moving in is a good idea is when it's practical. The only time it has worked for me or worked for most people is when it's practical, when we both have jobs and are working, when we spend all our time together anyway and when we pretty much already live together as independent adults. You see in those circumstances we already know the little annoying habits that each other have, we already pretty much live together and it just makes more sense to live in the same apartment and share bills rather than separately and pay more. OP you may think you already have that with him but you don't, again it takes years, lots of years to reach that point.
Talk to your parents and see what they think. They're the ones that know this situation best and they'll be able to tell you what the best course of action is. Don't even mention it to your boyfriend without talking to them first.
In my opinion though I think you shouldn't ask him at all. Move with your parents and he can come visit on the weekends or you can visit him. Get yourself and your parents settled first down there and then see how things go. After a few months when you're all ready and settled down there, then see if you think it's still a good idea. If your relationship with this guy can't survive this transitional period then moving in together would have never worked out anyway.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (15 April 2011):
I feel for your situation. Circumstances beyond your control or direction have forced this on you and its a terrible choice. The obvious answer is yes, but the obvious risk is if it doesnt work out he will be adrift, a long way from home, with most likely no friends and no support base and you will feel a horrible sense of guilt and feel trapped in a relationship by a sense of obligation. So, once you think about it that way I start to lose the conviction its the right choice.
What I suspect you would really like and we cant give is an assurance of the future; that you should ask him because everything will be ok and therefore the above risk isnt an issue. As things stand im not willing to give you even a modicum of assurance because there is too much thats unclear, especially as you say, this is an ex so this relationship has had problems in the past. Its good him and your parents get along but my sense is also a question needs to be asked over whether this would last living under the same roof and you have to bare in mind, your asking them to essentially adopt your bf because I doubt he can work and feed, clothe and house himself and you (im assuming this because of the age bracket). Also how would his family feel about this?
My gut feeling is that this is where complications will definitely arise; something to do with families. I don't doubt what you say - I am sure you could go far BUT, be advised that the obvious route isn't always the right one. You know where you want to end up, you know one path leads you where you want to be and the other leads somewhere else, but you should remember that sometimes, contrary to what logic will tell you, the indirect route is sometimes the one that gets where you want to go. This is a big decision. It will shape alot of whats to come, you dont need me to tell you that though. Good luck and let us know how it turns out.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (15 April 2011):
This is a difficult one.
I've got a few questions for you; are you planning on going to uni in the next few years or so? Is your bf? I think this is an important factor to bear in mind, because if you bf moves to Devon with you and then you both end up going off to different parts of the country, it's a lot to ask of him to move down to Devon when you might not be there for all that much longer.
Does you bf have family/friends/job/school in York? Does he have plans for the future?
Have you spoken to your parents about asking him to move with you? What do they say?
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