A
male
age
30-35,
*en345
writes:I'm nearly 18. Months ago, my girlfriend [just turned 18] went to a house party with some friends, and I couldnt go because I had work the next day. I got a number of drunken texts from her the next day which were sent during the night, one telling me how a guy had come on to her, but she stopped him because she was with me. The next day, I found out from a friend that she had her top off during the night, was blind drunk, and joined in with spin the bottle, pretending I'd given her permission. This guy apparently unclipped her bra, but she managed to overpower him with the help of a friend, and it never fully came off. I was devasted, and ended the relationship, finding it hard to believe the story [she obviously let him kiss and grope her, or it wouldn't have happened]. A few days later, we tried carrying on the relationship, but it never worked again because I couldnt trust her. So now we're both single. Just to put my mind at rest, what happened that night? Should I feel betrayed and depressed?
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male
reader, ben345 +, writes (17 May 2011):
ben345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHappy to say I am over this girl. Still hate what happened but no point in bringing it up ever again. Time to move on :D Thanks everyone
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Ben,I think your feelings still show through I think. Sorry, I was a bit dismissive, what I picked up on is what you said, you felt you could have tried harder with it and know deep down you could have and thats why you cant move on. I dont think she would laugh at you like that if shes the person at least you think she is and present her as being on here but I get your point. Your entitled to be and yes I think everything your saying is true. Yes, your right, that is the choice before you. It's your call ultimately and everybody on here will answer through the prism of their own inclination. I think, if push came to shove, in that situation id forgive but that's easy for me to say sitting here. What you do is however up to you....I will however, say this, you say 'let her go for her mistakes' so, you acknowledge deep down it was a mistake, not a malicious act or an act that speaks of a wider propensity to betray you. Human beings are flawed, that is their nature, what the real question is whether we learn from these mistakes. My hope, inclination is to say she has. However, again, you know better....good luck and let us know how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): Let this girl go. She's quite possibly irresponsible, arguably promiscuous and not a relationship type, she chooses to drink and in doing so puts herself at many risks (this is a sign of immaturity), AND most importantly she's disrespected you. She took the blue pill, you took the red. Go your separate ways.
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male
reader, ben345 +, writes (15 April 2011):
ben345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do still like her. In fact, I love her. The second shot at the relationship lasted months, but yeah, I could have made more effort. I put up a shield not wanting to weaken to her, feeling as if she would be laughing at me inside for letting her off. I was a little colder as a person after that event.I am so jealous of the sexual things that went on that night. The thought of her wanting other guys seeing her topless hurts me. Sure, the kissing and the games meant nothing to her, it's not like there were any feelings involved at a party full of strangers. But the guys must've got loads out of what she was doing.I now realize I either have to get over the party, or let her go forever. The only way of being able to carry on the relationship would be to forget it completely. So, do I let her go because of her mistakes, or get over it, and try to get back with her?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 It sounds as she was just drunk and being wild and crazy. Some guys are ok with girls that like, some guys want calmer girls. I don't know what kind of "spin the bottle" they played, I've played spin the bottle without clothes coming off. It's a truth or dare thing to me. Taking off the top is ok too me thinks, as long as the bra stays on. Then again, if it's with close friends I wouldn't be too picky on it. But as this was at a party with strangers it wasn't showing you much respect to undress like that.
It's hard to say what you should feel. You feel what you feel. You're single now, and can work on finding a calmer girl that is more modest. Just focus on that instead, and don't fall for the same type of girl again. But agree beforehand on what is acceptable or not, having a talk about where the red line goes is essential. You can't punish someone for doing something when you haven't agreed upon it to begin with. Mistakes are allowed. As long as they are not repeated (this does not include cheating, as everyone should know no kissing or sex is allowed).
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): You know what happened that night because you just told us. If you're asking did anything more happen then we can't tell you because we don't know. But from everything you said she already went miles across that boundary anyway, so far over that you know you can no longer trust this girl and dumping her was the best and safest course of action.
"Should I feel betrayed and depressed?" Irrelevant OP, because you do feel those things so whether you should or shouldn't feel that way doesn't matter, you feel betrayed because she betrayed you and feel depressed because she screwed you over.
OP try not to wreck your head with the details of stuff that you're unsure about, you have no idea if she did or did not kiss that guy or any guy so it doesn't matter, let that part go. Is anything in the second paragraph of your question okay behaviour for someone who is supposed to be your girlfriend? It's not, is it? Each one of those details is grounds to never trust her again so don't worry about the stuff that you don't know and just know that you dumped her with very good reason based on the things that you do know happened. You can't trust her, she lied and she put herself in the position of cheating, she completely and utterly disrespected you and treated you like shit. I don't see why you need to know what happens after that because that alone is enough. Move on.
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male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (15 April 2011):
Well I think its a bit hard for any of us to answer that since unless your really fortunate none of us were there. The sequence of events seems reasonably clear (though it doesn't follow I don't think that your ex let this guy 'grope her' that's obviously what he was trying to do when she stopped him, but yes its fair to assert they most likely were kissing).
Firstly, its bad she had her top off and most likely let this guy kiss her in a passionate way, you have every right to be angry and feel hurt and betrayed by that, I think anyway and although she was wrong to lie about you giving permission for her to play spin the bottle, despite the sometimes risque nature of the game, im not sure she should require permission (people can after all define the limits of what they do) but thats incidental.
So, yes your feelings about this incident are, in my eyes at least, justified in that regard. This is not the end of the story however and you know that and in my eyes thats why your here. She obviously did put a stop to this at some point and that's the kicker and thats why you cant let go because you know deep down she made a bad mistake, did betray you in many ways, BUT didn't totally breach every trust you had in her.
I think its time for you to have a hard think here, is this the real question you want to ask. My feeling is yes you dont trust her (and I dont blame you) but you do still love her and thats the issue here. You want us to say good on you, you did the right thing, but you know its not that simple. From what your saying your attempt at a get back lasted days which, if im being brutal and honest, doesnt sound like much of an effort to me (sorry). Nowhere near enough time to make a serious go at it. It wont take just a few days, it would take hard work on both your parts and be a long hard slog but if you love each other enough its possible (though not guaranteed).
Can you find it in your heart to ever forgive her? Is it in you to give her the time and space she will need to win your trust back? I don't know, these are the real questions that should be baking your noggin and there are yours and yours alone to answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): Dude I applaud your maturity here. This is an excellent decision by you. Yes, she broke your trust and also completely disrespected the relationship by engaging in the rather typical "drunk and games" activities. I support your decision in this being a deal breaker. Stick to your guns here pal and dont let this woman back into your life in any way shape or form... she has no respect for you and more importantly none for her body which if a woman cant respect her own body how can she respect you? The alcohol isnt an excuse because she had the choice to drink in the first place and that was her first mistake. Find a good woman and you will with good decision making like this, especially at your age sir. Best to your future with ladies, youll find a quality one im sure :)
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