A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My marriage of 20 plus years is in serious trouble again. I caught her cheating a few times and she blamed me for her infidelities. I have made many changes to try and correct the issues she said made her cheat. Things between us got better for a while, but now I'm beginning to see some of those old traits resurfacing again. She does little to no housework, and hasn't been doing a decent job of paying the bills or related important paper work. She has too many male coworker friends. She works the midnight shift, I work a day shift. I take care of our kids, I do the food shopping, cooking and cleaning. I work a lot of overtime to help pay the bills. She comes home in the morning most times after we are all gone for the day. She sleeps until she has to go to work. She is on her cell phone a lot talking to who knows who, and she arranged that bill so I can't see who she's talking to. The way I'm seeing it now, I feel she has become a very selfish person. She is very lazy unless there's something she wants to do,?. She is a very angry woman and has refused to see a counsellor. I know her job is demanding, She has jepordized her job from her anger and I feel her boss knows she is trouble in more ways then one. She was screwing some of her coworker friends. I try to do as much as I can, while she does just about nothing. We were doing better, but her effort was barely there. She wanted a divorce last year, but then wanted to reconcile. I think the only thing that stopped her was what it was going to cost her. I feel like I have done everything possible to make it work for us, with no real effort on her part. I have no idea if she is cheating, but some of those signs are showing up again. I don't know if its because I still don't trust her. There was too much infidelity and deceit on her part for me to come close to trusting her anytime soon. I would love to have her in my heart again, but it seems she really doesen't want that from how she treats me and how she makes me feel. I thought she may be depressed or bipolar, so I didn't want to leave her while she was in a bad way. I have been there for her, she hasn't been there for me. I can't take much more of this. I love her and want her in my life more then anything, but its getting too hard. If I do find she is cheating again, well then I did all I could do and know she's no longer worth the effort. Should I ask her if its time we split or should I just accept our marriage as over with and file for divorce?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 I wish you the very best, sir. I commend you on your courage.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I was waiting for her to cheat again so it would be easiser for me to put an end to this marriage. I don't think I'm willing to wait for that anymore. To me, I feel thats inevitable in the current state of the marriage. I think my best plan will be to get through the holiday season as smooth as I can for my kids. After that I'll confront her on the issues that are making life a living hell for me and our kids. Then let the chips lay where they fall. This time I have a plan for myself. She thinks I would roll over and die for her, I would have, and did that already but I will never ever do that again. I think I have shown too much weakness trying to get past the anger and pain, allowing her to walk all over me. She has me to the point that I don't care to live a life of hell with her any longer. Sure, I want her, but not like this. I think I would be a much happier person in the long run if I stood up to her and let her know that I have tried all I'm going to, she had her chance, and blew it too. I thank you all for your comments. It helps with the backbone I need. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (21 December 2007):
We are here for you,and love to give the best advice that we know how,but in your case you already know what you need to do,"KICK HER ASS OUT", or leave yourself. However If you want to continue in your Matrimonial-Shit,guess that's up to you.
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A
female
reader, kirsty_29  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 Why are you "waiting" for her to cheat again. Perhaps it's a reason you are after to let it go? It seems to me that you have enough reasons to just get up and get the hell out. It sounds as if you've exhausted yourself trying to make things right. She blamed "you" for her infidelity, that to me is freaking ridiculous, she chose to be unfaithful, not you. She couldn't have sat down and told you how she was feeling? NO, you are giving 100% and it appears, getting nothing back.
It all sounds very unhealthy and I think the best thing you could ever do for yourself and your kids and believe it or not, her' is leave- or ask her to leave, it really doesn't sound like she's in it anymore.
Read your post over to yourself, it's over and you know it already. Start moving ahead with your life, it will be hard but in the end you'll be happier.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 December 2007):
Whenever I recommend something serious, I ask the posters to think twice. I might be wrong, but, I believer your marriage is indeed over, and it has been for a long time. You have even talked about divorce already. Judging from your words, you have been trying to make the marriage work, and she hasn't. And then you also say you can't trust her anymore and wish you could have her in your heart again. It's sad, but, from my point of view, no cheating on her part is necessary to see that the marriage is indeed over. Cheating would only be the trigger you need to make your mind about it.
You have a lot of things to ponder, but I think your children are not among them. This should make it easier on you.
I wish I could give you more and better advice, but, unfortunately, I can't. I'm younger than you are and am afraid that I might not know what it is like to be 51-59. I do know that priorities change along the way, and am not sure how they would change in your case. Judging on love only, I would go away as fast as I could. Better alone than in ill company, goes a Spanish saying.
Wish you the best.
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