A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles, please advise:My guy has a married girl friend who is flying in to his city for a week, without her husband, just to hang out with my guy because she “misses him”. I don’t live with my guy yet, though we’ve been together for 4 years and are planning a move in soon. They go way back, a decade. I have met her a few years ago briefly. We don’t jive on the same wavelength, but I don’t dislike her. She tends to be a private person and wasn’t tremendously warm and friendly when we met, but I assume that’s just her personality. I don’t know the dynamic of their relationship. I am unsure of any feelings going on. For that reason, I had to get out my can of worms and tell him nicely that this situation makes me uncomfortable. I asked him to help me feel more secure by giving me more insight as to “how they work”. He accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I don’t really know her, and we are (she and I) separated by hundreds of miles. Now I have tremendous guilt for being up front about my discomfort. I’m not sure if being honest about my feelings is wise anymore in the relationship. I’ve tried keeping my thoughts to myself about different things, but that just pressure cooks my unhappiness into anger. And when that happens, he angrily accuses me of not speaking up when I need to. Thus starts a big fat argument. I never thought I would be “that” girlfriend that gets uneasy when their guy has a best girl friend, but here I am, feeling like a monster for having these territorial feelings, that are mingled with a sense of failure for not being his best friend. Should I feel guilty (and apologize) for potentially harming my relationship by bringing up issues that stems from a mixture insecurity and lack of communication on both our parts? Or am I justified to question the depth of their interaction? This guilt is nagging, and I’m not sure if it’s rational.
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): Aunts and Uncles, thank you for your advice. I will proceed with caution, and have a very frank conversation with him in order to dig deeper and come to a resolution. On a positive note, she will not be staying with him. I made that point quite clear when I first heard that she's flying in.
Thank you again, internet friends, for your input.
- OP
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (31 January 2013):
 I echo what everyone has said here- you were completely within your girlfriend rights to find out what is what, and should not be made to feel guilty about this. his overreaction that it boiled down to a lack of trust of HIM is not completely fair and that he jumped on that line of thinking--instead of assuring you that you are his number one--is..I'm not sure if it's a red flag, maybe it's a yellow flag-proceed with caution. I think to an extent it is my job as a girlfriend to assure my guy that there is nothing going on with an old friend-not because my guy is paranoid, but because I respect him and believe I owe him the courtesy of ensuring he is clear on my feelings for the bf and my neutrality towards my friend. That your bf was not willing to extend the same gesture and instead express defensiveness is more indicative of a past or something to hide. Tell him you didn't mean to question his faith in you, but openness and honesty is important to you. He should be lucky that you were so upfront about nipping your concerns in the bud instead of having paranoia or distress fester in you. Good luck and take care!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 January 2013):
 Is he taking time off work to be with her? Is she staying at his place? Have you been told you weren't welcome to be part of her visit?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2013):
 he accuses you of not trusting him because it's not a trustworthy situation.
I trust my hubby 100% but I have to say if an old friend of the opposite sex wanted to fly in and see him for a week without her current partner and without me... I'd blow a fit.
You owe NO apology. You have every right to feel what you feel and to let him know this is how you feel. HOW he chooses to respond says what's in his mind.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 January 2013):
 She's MARRIED,... flying in - alone - to see him... "because she misses him"........ and you are soliciting validation that you should "give her a pass" for this mis-behaviour???????
The issue, here, has NOTHING to do with her... it is STRICTLY between you and your B/F. IF he is willing to be this woman's "bit on the side".... and IF he is willing to show so little regard for YOU, as to let this happen.... then YOU are getting a preview of a "relationship" /(maybe) marriage that you will likely get to regret, a WHOLE LOT, in the future.... as this prospective "mate/partner" continues to live singly (in fact) whilest YOU are trying to live in a partnership with him...
How quickly can you take him aside and whisper in his ear: "Hunchy-bunchy, it's time for you to make a decision.... her or me..."?????
Good luck.....
...............................
A
female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (31 January 2013):
 i agree with You Wish... Ask your man if its gonna be ok if you fly/visit your male friend because you miss him..see how he reacts to that..
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 January 2013):
 i think you had every right to express your feelings to your boyfriend. after all, that's what healthy relationships are all about. you approached him appropriately by not getting angry, rather, just looking for him to comfort you. all he had to do was let you know that you had nothing to worry about, that he loves you, and that you are his everything. done deal. everyone's happy. instead, he turned it into something it didn't need to be.
every once in a while, even the most trusting of relationships still may need some comfort and reassurance. you're only human, afterall. and that is somewhat of an uncomfortable situation. i don't blame you for being a little bothered by it. i don't think you owe him an apology at all. i think he should have handled it differently.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): Hi, Dont rock the boat, simply just make sure he does not see her alone. Like be the perfect hostess and dont give her any reason to think you are threatended by her. Make sure you take teh lead and make all the plans for that time that she is withing your sight and not alone with your BF.
Also tell your BF you were being silly as you completely trust him. A little charm and a wonderful hostess - your battle is won.
...............................
A
female
reader, liveNlearn12 +, writes (31 January 2013):
Never apologize for telling someone how you feel ! I agree with the other posters it's too akward and you have every right to question it. why aren't you hanging out with them or invited to come ? It's not normal for married women or men to visit and stay alone with a single friend. If other people were with them then yes but where is her husband? sounds like it could be a booty call but I can't say for sure so don't freak out. ask more questions you have a right to know. Also why is he getting so defensive about this and saying you don't trust me ? I think he is saying this because he knows deep down this is not normal and wants to flip the situation to make it look like your the over jealous girlfriend. Well I think you have reason to be jealous. I would dump him . good luck in love
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 January 2013):
 Of course you don't trust them! It's okay not to, and don't apologize for it!
I would not be happy one bit if some married woman flew into town for a week for no other reason than to spend time with my husband. It's one thing if they were old family friends and she wanted to have lunch with him for an afternoon as long as the real reason she was there was to visit her parents or reconnect with friends.
I would not only be really uncomfortable, I'd take a lot of issue with it if my husband were to turn it around on me and accuse me of not trusting him.
I imagine her husband doesn't know the truth of why she's out here, and I'd ask my guy if her husband knows why she's there. I'd also see what his reaction would be if I offered to call her husband and verify that he's okay with his wife travelling hundreds of miles out of town without him to see if she misses another guy.
Then ask your guy whether or not he'd be okay with you taking vacation with another guy because you miss him.
This is several levels of inappropriate, and I'd be kicking your guy to the curb if I were you for even daring to try to make this into a legitimate argument, because this is a big no-no. The only guys I'd be happy to visit alone hundreds of miles away would be my father, my brothers, or my son when he grows up and moves out. That's it.
Don't feel guilty. He's counting on you to cave in and be a doormat. Drop this guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, fairylove  +, writes (31 January 2013):
First of all, you have absolute right to question this problem. I f it was a new relationship then i wouldn't say so much but four years is no means brief and therefore gives u the rights to object. Ask your partner if the shoe was on the otherfoot how would he react to the thought of u and a man he knows practically nothing about,spending a week of "fun" together. Judging by his reaction if its something like " Thats different, You know i trust you", explain it's not about trust issues, but about your need to be involved as his mate. He should by right invite you along anyway so that you could judge the situation for yourself. Suggest this check his reaction, anyman who loves his woman should be happy to show her off to all his friends regardless of gender.hope this helps! x
...............................
|
