A
female
age
30-35,
*arkRhythm
writes:I have been really worried about my relationship lately, and really need some advice. I'm worried my boyfriend is getting tired of me, or if this is just normal for a relationship as it goes along? I don't know what to do. help please! I'll try to explain things best as I can.theres a lot to explain, so I apologize in advance that this is going to be long. I will try to be brief.I have been with this guy who lived an hour away from me for close to 6 months, and we started arguing a little after the first 2 months. First because he was extremely clingy and needy, then because I had some trust problems. we only got close to breaking up once, when I told him the way I was raised I could only marry a catholic. but I told him it didn't matter to me, and that hasn't been an issue since. till now I guess-I'll get to that in a minute.Well, we had been fighting about him talking to other girls since about the 3rd month we were together, and our fights had gotten pretty bad. But we stopped fighting at the end of last month. I told him I didn't care who he talked to or hung out with, because I trusted him. I've left him alone about it and let him do whatever he wanted since. Now I've moved another hour away from him for college, but told him I want to see him as often as possible. he told he would be alright with the distance, though he probably wouldn't be able to see me much.But what really has be worried is that he used to talk to me all the time, post things on facebook about me, brag to his friends about me, and do absolutely anything to see me. He was even very clingy and always demanded attention. now everything has changed. he still texts me all day, but i'm the only one initiating the conversation. He's told me countless times when I asked him about it that he still wants to talk, but it just doesn't show. He never even replies to me on facebook anymore, don't think his friends hear anything about me, and I've been the only one trying to see him for the last 2 months. He almost broke up with me last week because of "all the fighting" and the fact that he doesn't think it would be a good idea to marry someone who is a different religion, and he doesn't want us to waste our time if we're not considering marriage.but..we haven't fought in a month. and religion was never an issue before. So I don't know what to think! I drive all the way to his house every few weeks, and he said he loves to see me, still wants to talk to me, misses me, and thanks me for seeing him. He told me, when I point blank asked him about it, that he doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore. He said he still loves me, but only thinks he's still in love with me??another thing is that he said he used to feel like he "needed" to see me as much as possible. Now he said he still wants to see me, but doesn't feel like he "needs" to anymore, so he doesn't really even try to see me. I feel like I'm imposing on him to just ask if i can see him, because he never asks me to. I'm always the one inviting myself. he told me he can't come to see me because he doesn't have enough money..but that never stopped him before.there's more, but I'll leave it off here because this is too long already (sorry!). I am just completely in love with him, and would do anything to keep him. I've tried being sweet, sexy, funny..everything. I've tried to play hard to get a little too but he just gets upset when I don't talk to him or try to get him to come to me or something. I don't know what to do and I don't want to lose him. Is some of this just normal for a relationship after this much time? I've never been in a relationship this long. has anyone else had this happen before?I could just really use some outside points of view, if you have any suggestions or advice please tell me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2013):
 "if i can get him to stay with me till summer...."
OP you are settling for crumbs.
stop rowing your relationship boat and see what happens. That will tell you all you need to know. By this I mean... stop making the effort to contact him... (see how long it takes him to get in touch with you) when my hubby and I were dating and we were 2 hours apart (and not serious yet) he could go 10 days or so without contact... I was in the beginning the primary one to initiate contact) he was happy to reply... but he was not making an effort as it was not yet important to him)
Do not call him
Do not text him
Do not email him
DO NOT ask 'when can I see you again"
do not plan dates.....
if you are doing all the work and he's just coasting along going with the flow it will be obvious fairly quickly. It's hard... but it's the best way to know.
He may not be cheating on you but clearly he is not expending any effort to make the relationship work.
A
female
reader, DarkRhythm +, writes (2 February 2013):
DarkRhythm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm going to try to reply to all of you who posted.anonymous-I do not agree. I trust him, or at least am trying to and I won't accuse him of cheating unless I had solid proof.CMMP- Thanks for the advice..I don't want to be needy, but I'm the kind of personwho has a hard time moving on, andI can be very stubborn about things.I guess I'm hoping that if I get him to stay with me till summer, then I canspend quality time with him and hopefullyget things back to the way there were,and the way they still are when I actuallyget to see him.I just don't know. You have a good pointand I think that's probably what I needto do..but I'm having a hard timeaccepting it. I just don't want to losewhat I thought I would never find :(it just bothers be cuz we haven't foughtmuch lately..so I just don't really seewhat the problem is all of the sudden.Sageoldguy1465- thanks, I'm trying to be patient.definitely being honest with him. just feellike he's not telling me everything, or hes expecting me to figure things out for myself based on what he's showing me.jonas- yes, that is for sure. he has evenadmitted that he has taken me forgranted sometimes, and apologized for it.That was a pretty long time ago though,and he still is really taking me for grantedHonestly, most of our fights have beenabout stuff on facebook. he's veryoutgoing, and he flirts with othergirls in his messages and all over hisfacebook wall and pictures. always likingto be honest statuses of young girlswho post all over his wall telling himhow cute he is. he's told me he's justtalking to them and not intenting to flirt..idk. I've just been trying to brush it off lately. Another thing is he says I assume thingsthat aren't true. so now I'm trying tobelieve everything he says, but idk ifI should or not. almost every time Ilook into things to see if he's beinghonest it looks like he's not. and heslied about things and went behind myback in the past, which he neverapologized for. that's a lot of wherethe trust issues come into play.I'm having a hard time giving him spaceright now because I just moved to a new town for college and dont have anyfriends here, nor time to make themdueto studies. so he's pretty muchthe only person I have besides my family.I don't think he is reciprocating it.just feel like he's avoiding me.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 January 2013):
 You have described a situation which is not uncommon for young folks of your age group..... You are emerging in to your young-adult years... and there are lots of emotions and chemicals overloading your bodies... and you (two) are sorting them out... learning how to react to what's going on internally.... and how that manifests itself OUTSIDE yourselves.....
Be patient.... enjoy one-another as you feel good about, and which is appropriate... and don't feel compelled to make long-term (life) decisions on the spur of the moment. If statistics hold, you and he will have OODLES more "moments" in your lives..... and these terrific years (your late teens) will be some of the best you experience.
Keep the lines of communication open.... be honest, and frank, and truthful with one another.... and see how the cards play....
Good luck.....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 January 2013):
I don't agree with anonymous. There's no reason to accuse him of cheating just because that's what she did.
What it sounds like is that the relationship hasn't been the best and he's just not into it any more. Given that you had problems for the majority of you're relationship AND it's an LDR I really don't see a reason to hang on here.
I know you were hoping for a miracle solution to make him want you again, but there isn't one. The only thing that might help is the one thing you can't do: spend more QUALITY time together.
Since you are inexperienced let me give you some advice. It's important to be able to recognize when a relationship should be ended; doing so will make you a much happier person because staying when you shouldn't can make you miserable, even when you think you're in love.
In this case the distance combined with the fighting and it's clear its time for you to move on. It'll be difficult but you'll be happier in the long run, trust me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): I'm sorry, but judging by all of the details you posted, and as an outsider who myself (girl) have lost interest in someone that I stopped living close to (I moved away from my boyfriend), he is definitely having sex with other girls or at least one other girl. Which is why he tells you that he doesn't *need* you.
I stopped initiating talks with my past relationship because he was far away and I started seeing other people. I know I was disgusting of me not to tell him in the moment, I should have broken it off earlier, but I was selfish and so is he. You should at least stop texting and visiting him to see his reaction, if there is none go out and have fun! He sounds immature.
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