A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am currently in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who is in Australia, I am returning within the month to move in with him. About 5 months ago we discussed pornography, he said that he'd delete anything from his computer that he had from when he was single. I accepted and appreciated this. Since then we have been having plenty of phone and cyber sex. However, pornograpghy recently came up in conversation and I found out that he has still been using it, I acted "cool" but I think he could sense that I was disappointed in him. I feel bad that I'm making him wait for me to return home but I can't help but feel betrayed that he enjoys watching other women. I know this is my own insecurities of myself not feeling that I'm enough for him, but it still feels like he's emotionally cheating and makes me cringe thinking of all the times he's said "you know i'd never even look at another girl". It's just such a shock after thinking all this time that our very regular phone and cyber sex was enough.Should I accept his use of other sources whilst I'm away?
View related questions:
long distance, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, A Cappella  +, writes (29 January 2008):
 Female anon:
By selectively quoting only one side you are giving a very biased view. Your opinion is only that, an opinion, as is mine. And I'm not going to share the bits and pieces of my sex life with you for your voyeuristic tendencies. I know what I know, and your so-called "facts" don't change my life a bit.
But since you need "facts" to prove what I can in my own bedroom, here you go:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_1_43/ai_n16102421
"The Effects of Exposure to Pornography: An Empirical Contribution to the Porn Debate"; Journal of Sex Research, Feb, 2006
"The results suggest that, for the average consumer of popular hardcore pornography aged 18-30, commonly-feared adverse effects of pornography are non-existent or, at worst, minimal."
Also, there's nothing wrong with making my man happy as long as it sincerely makes me happy to do so.
So I ask you: were your "facts" from a peer-reviewed journal about a study with randomly-selected samples and a control group, or just from some writer who got her opinion published? We could trade "facts" back and forth and NEITHER of us will change our opinion.
So why don't you leave the judgment by the side of the road, and let the OP choose the advice that makes the most sense to her? A well-rounded arena of opinions is what people come here to find, right?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): To A Capella
Sorry if I've clearly hit a nerve with you.....what I have offered is my opinion (and no where have I said my opinion is the be all and end all - it is what it is - an opinion!!!!!!) - hopefully backed up by some facts because I have read into this subject. Did you have any facts in your paragraph or points of references apart from your own opinion????????????????????
People keep saying it can spice up your sex life - like throwing a comment into the air without substantiating it -if someone would like to give me one example of a hint or tip or how it spices up your sex life then I'd be prepared to listen? And the key words I picked up on were "it made my man so happy" - there are probably lots of things that men would like that aren't necessarily good for them in the long run - sums it all up really!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (26 January 2008):
Female anon. -- I'm sorry porn didn't "spice up your sex life." And of course you know everything about everyone's sex lives, and have the perfect answers for every couple. Because your opinion is what matters here.
Rubbish. Judgemental rubish.
I'm not going to get into my sex life here any more than I already have, except to say: "it can too spice up your sex life" even if it's not for you. Not to mention that it made my man so happy that it was seriously worth it. It HASN'T diminished ANYTHING.
So again, I'm sorry it didn't work for you. But don't think you know everything about everyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): If you want an insight into how porn affects men, then read Naomi Wolf's cover story. Absolutely fascinating. I am not a prude and have watched porn with my bf - he knew I didn't like it and had made my views known, but for research sake i watched it with him - what a load of old rubbish. Common things men will say to justify it is:
1. it will spice up your sex life
2. all men do it
3. men are highly sexed and use it when you don't want sex
4. women don't like it because they are insecure
All the above is absolute tosh. No it doesn't spice up your sex life, it diminishes it. Anything that gets in the way of a man and womans true intimacy will ultimately destroy it. Having watched it with my man, he agreed there were no hints and tips. If someone needs porn for tips on their sex life, get a flaming life you losers.
Not all men do it and that really isn't a justification.
It has been proven that the onset of 24 hour porn has reduced men's libido for real women, not increased it. Have a look at this site and see how many willing and able women are destroyed by the fact that their partner no longer pays them attention sexually, but they have discovered they are regularly viewing porn sites and I assume jacking off.
Women don't like it because they are insecure!!!!!!!! That's what the men would have you believe. It is because women are intuitive and they instinctively sense that porn in a relationship is not good; I have a fantastic body (better than a lot of the porn stars and without surgical enhancement). So, I AM NOT INSECURE, however sex should be mystical and sacred and between two people - does it make you feel hot knowing your man has been jacking off to porn, no of course it doesn't. Does it cause the women emotionally and physically to back off from her man = yes that will probably happen in the long run.
Men need to answer the following:
1. Why do you keep it a secret
2. Why would my bf throw away his porn stash when we got together (I didn't even know about it).
Was it his subconscious telling him what he already knows -it's primitive and boring and once you've seen one, you've seen them all. The problem is, watching porn is Pavlovian - you associate your orgasm with whatever regularly turns you on (like Pavlov's dogs). Therefore, ultimately men's association with orgasm is via the medium of porn, so with avid use watch his sex life diminish with you - you are no longer the source of his orgasm. Again, read the issues on this site which backs this up totally. Again, your mind, body and spirit needs to be fed with good things; keep looking at porn and supersize yourself with rubbish which ultimately takes the intimacy away from your relationships.
My bf's friend also backed this up (he is an avid porn watcher). He says he quickly gets disatisfied with his love life (he says it gets routine and boring), so he turns back to porn. Secretly men wish you were like the porn stars and will become disappointed if you don't measure up. All round, deep disatisfaction on all sides created by porn use.
...............................
A
male
reader, jm81690  +, writes (25 January 2008):
 The fact he's telling you he watches porn when he lives far away and can get away with it shows you right there he's a sincere guy.
Watching porn doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean he wants to bang the girls he watches on porn, it's just easier than using your imagination.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): i think its quite normal for a guy to look at porn like A Cappella says its probally 99% that he'd choose you over his porn guys like porn girls not so muchalso u may notice theres more " girl " porn than " boy " porn - girls nude / boys nude - that is cause guys enjoy porn more than us girls so just try and forget about it GOOD LUCK
...............................
A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (24 January 2008):
 Just let him do it. If he doesnt have acces to the real thing in a moral since then its ok. And porn isnt that big of a deal anyways. As long as he doesnt get addicted or damage expensive technology like computers. Or start choosing porn over the real thing.
And if he uses a computer for porn may i recomend getting Apples Leopard operation system or Windows Vista, both at this point are pretty much virus proof Vista becuase it has insane amounts of security on it, and Leapard becuase no one really makes viruses for apple operating systems becuase fewer people use it.
Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (24 January 2008):
I think you should allow the porn. I'll even go further, you should continue to allow the porn when the two of you are geographically together, too.
His porn use has NOTHING to do with you. It doesn't say ANYTHING about whether you satisfy him, or how much he loves you, or any other thing about you. And I'm about 99% sure that if he even had the opportunity to hook up with one of his pin-ups, he'd STILL choose you.
Men are VISUAL creatures. Men like to look. That will never stop. Asking him to stop his porn usage is asking him to start lying to you. Bring it out in the open and keep it there, you'll both be happier.
You might also try to find some couple-worthy porn videos to watch with him -- he'll be over the moon. (Stuff like that DOES exist, because my spouse and I watch. See http://www.blowfish.com -- their site is great in that it's got some good stuff without any of the popups or graphic stuff that's so embarrassing, and the review are humorous to read. Find some stuff that is more female friendly, and you'll be surprised. I don't like it as much as the spouse does, but it's so fun for him that I like to do it with him.)
These exceptions are where I cry foul:
(1) He doesn't get to look at porn on any computer the two of you share. Not because it's porn, but because those sites are NOTORIOUS for downloading all kinds of crap onto your computer -- viruses, mal-ware, adware. It clogs up the computer, causes popups, and slows the whole system down. He has to get his porn in other places.
(2) If he ever wants the porn more than he wants the real thing then it's time to give it up. At that point it's an addiction and needs to be treated as one.
Good luck hon. I hope you can realize that it really isn't emotional betrayal -- he's with you because he WANTS you. Porn has nothing to do with it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): There are 2 issues here. Firstly, you don't feel comfortable with him using porn. Secondly, you feel disappointed that he wasn't open about his use of porn.
The first one is easier. You both need to be realistic about his use of porn. He tried abstaining previously, but he went back to it. Is it realistic to believe that he has the perseverance to quit using porn for ever? If either of you have doubts about this then you need to be honest about the possible presence of porn in your relationship.
Men and women tend to have a radically different view of porn. Men tend to see porn as an outlet. A way of helping themselves achieve an orgasm when they're on their own. A way of releasing sexual frustrations without cheating on their partner. Women tend to see porn as being more significant. This is why the majority of gay men feel emotionally secure about their partner using porn. Because they have the same perspective. There is a significant minority of women who enjoy porn, but most feel threatened by it.
I'm not convinced that you will find many men who don't use porn. However, if you really feel strongly about this, then maybe you need to consider your options...
The second issue is more complex. I'm concerned that you've explained how strongly you feel about his use of porn, but he wasn't open with you. I think you deserve more honesty. Acting "cool" won't achieve that. If you have concerns about him using porn, and you want him to be honest about it, you need to talk this through with him. Explain how you feel. Ask him what he intends to do about it. More importantly, ask him if you can trust him to be honest in future.
Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Masterbating is quite normal and if pornography is not used he will only conjure up something in his minds eye.
Why not get him to take some saucy photo's of you so that he can masterbate over those will you are apart.
Good luck
...............................
|
