A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I came home from work this morning and found my wife unconscious then I had to take her to the hospital where she died. She committed suicide. In her note she specified that she did NOT want anyone to know that she took her life. It is the only main thing she wanted and begged over and over again in the letter to not let anyone know the truth. I have recently got back home and feel in a moral predicament as I am not sure what to do and I have no one confide in about this. Do I stand by my wife's only and last wishes? Or will it be morally wrong to do so and tell such a lie? I have not told anyone of her passing yet as I need to first decide what I am going to say to people. There is absolutely no one I can trust to confide to about this or tell the truth to, because I can gaurantee that everyone I know-family and friends, rumours and gossip would fly eventually and the truth will get out! I 200% sure if I tell just one person, in no time everyone will know the truth. I can not tell you how many times I have confided personal things in close friends, family-even my own mother and before I know it - everyone else knows my business! In terms of her; she moved to ths country as a teenager, so her family all live in other countries and most likely they wont be able to afford to come over for the funeral. And she has no very close friends - so telling people she would have known would not be so hard to cover I guess.Before anyone condemns my wife for doing this, I must say. I love her very much and she is a great wonderful woman. But sadly she had alot of very difficult things happen and perhaps the most saddest life out of anyone I have ever met. We tried for many years with her having counselling etc and I was always there for her in every way i can. And I could see her trying so hard and I respect her for having survived for as long as she did. But I know that sometimes going through the things she did, it can be difficult for a person to truly overcome those dark times. So I am sad she is gone, but I do not resent her for it, and I understand and love and respect her for trying as hard as she did in her battle for all those years. Years that I shall treasure and be always grateful for. So perhaps in a way it wasnt as "unexpected" etc and I suppose with all the years of things, counselling etc, I have opened my mind that her taking her life was a possibility. Which is perhaps why I am somewhat calm right now.I called Samaritans to try to get advice on what to do here as I need other people's anonymous opinions. But as usual with counsellers they are more interested in asking you what YOU think than giving any advice themselves. So I thought I may come on here and ask other opinions on what to do - if to lie for her or if people think it would be wrong to do so. It was her very last and VERY ADAMANT wishes and I feel I would be letting her down in a way if I go against it. But then I am not sure if it is right or wrong to do so. She said I should say that she was ill...but then even that - what sort of story could I come up with to tell people that she died of? It would have to be something somewhat unexpected and believable, and I am not a medical person so I will not know what would work or be believable....and hopefully not too many medical questions! She was in her late 20s and relatively healthy. SO I need advice on that also and what story to tell people to believe. The more I think about it the more I think it may be better to just say it was an illness. So many things may come out about her past that I know she would want no one to ever know about if ppl knew she killed herself. And in a way I would really not want any gossip or rumours going on about her memory knowing what the people I know are like! So please give me some advice and suggestions on what to say and how to go about it.I have not told anyone yet as I said, I have not had any sleep for over 24hrs and feel so drained, I am going to try to sleep if possible and when I wake up I will start making some phone calls to tell everyone. Hopefully by then people may have left some responses here for me.Before anyone says, I am not at all oppossed to counselling and if I do feel I need to speak in the coming days or weeks or whatever I will most certainly get cuonselling. So counselling is not the issue or question here.ThanksThanks everyone
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female
reader, Pretty Eyes  +, writes (30 September 2008):
My father committed suicide when I was in the 1st grade (I'm 29 now). I'm in the USA so it's very public on his death certificate. I'd respect her wishes. If the doctors dont know (which they probably do) then it's going to probably be public anyway. Last, my heart goes out to you and your family and you are in my prayers. I'm glad that mostly everybody on here gave you some positive feedback.
Blessings from AnnArbor, MI.
A
female
reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (30 September 2008):
 It's been 4 days, I'm sure he's taken action with his choice of what to do. I merely hope he is doing well and standing strong.
I'm so sorry for your loss, please let us know how you are doing and if you need us again, we're here for you.
Take care,
Michelle
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A
female
reader, dixiedebs  +, writes (29 September 2008):
Hi,
First of all my deepest sympathies on the loss of your beloved wife. My answer is simple. She asked you not to divulge how she died and I think you should do so. There is no moral obligation towards anyone to tell them how she died. Your obligations are towards your late wife, you respected her in life, there is no reason why you shouldn't respect her in death.
May your wife rest in peace and may you find consolation in the fact that you have done your best.
God Bless,
Debs
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): I agree that it would be best to abide by you wife's wishes and not reveal the actual circumstances of her death to the people around you, although i see how this will be incredibly difficult. I do think though that, if you can, it might be best to briefly refer to a cause of death, and THEN say that you would prefer not to talk about it. People will be intrigued and start speculating if you say nothing at all, and it will take longer for interest to pass. Some busy-body may also then be tempted to check the death certificate and discover the actual circumstances. If you give a common, likely and sudden cause, people will be more likely to accept it and not pry.
And yes, if it does come out, then I am sure people would understand if you explain it was her last wishes.
I wish you all the best for the future and hope there are happier times ahead for you.
Best wishes
j
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 September 2008):
 In the States the death certificate is considered public domain. So if her family really wants to find out they will be able to see the death certificate. However, I don't think they mention the self-inflicted part on a certificate just the immediate cause of death, not method. I like Phil's and Tish's answers but that may be hard to fly by people who were very close to her. Good luck no matter what you decide to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Like Uncle Phil just simply say 'i don't want to discuss it' That way you keep your wifes wishes and anyone with any respect will only ask once.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honor +, writes (26 September 2008):
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is terrible when communities can be this small minded and how much pressure religion can place on us. I think the idea of embolism is good. Also there is SAD (sudden death syndrome) but that always sounds a bit fishy. I wish you the best wishes and keep strong.GOod luck
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2008):
 I give you my condolences as well. I don't think you should try to come up with a fake cause of death. That will only backfire at some later point. Especially with her family. How is it that she moved as a teenager to your country and her family won't be able to attend her funeral? I think that her family may indeed be more interested in her cause of death and may not accept whatever you may come up with. The problem with a lie is that you'll have to have some convincing details and something will sound false and the truth will be out with a bit of digging. And if her family really want to know, they'll be able to find a way.
I'd just leave it at this. "My wife died, it was so sudden and unexpected that I just can't talk about it right now. I hope that at some point I'll be able to discuss it but for now, it hurts too much." You're not violating her last request, you're not lying.
I had a good friend who lost his wife suddenly too, and another acquaintance who lost a husband to suicide as well. I'm amazed that you can find the strength to even get on a website and post and respond to questions. Both of them were flattened and so caught up with funeral preparations and all the minute details of the police investigations and coroners and then dealing with all the friends who come over to offer support.
I wish you well as you come to grips with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): My heartfelt condolenses. I beleive that you should honor your late wife's wishes. She deserves it after all it seems she's been through. It could have been a sudden heart attack, or she could have been complaining of pain in her stomach for a while, and took into the hospital and then she passed. For me I really couldn't care what other people think, but I can totally understand why your late wife made her request, because people don't know how to leave well alone. It's a shame how society has such an influence on our immediate lives, which even after we're not here they still make it their personal pastime to gossip and snicker. I wish you all the best, and pray that God gives you the strength to go through this horrible and untimely ordeal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): My response wasn't insensitive, it's just that you hadn't included all the information in your original post so I wasn't aware of all the details. Since you won't be in trouble for her death then yes I would lie & tell people that she had a heart attack or something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): wow, you are a very brave person yourself.
Respect her wishes, it could have been a embolism "that probably started on a leg" and then separted, travelled though the blodd stream and ended up blocking the bood flow to her lungs, or to her heart or brain.
You can check this out:
http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/full/295/2/240
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/MEDLINEPLUS/ency/article/001102.htm
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, agtorange +, writes (25 September 2008):
 First of all, I'm realy sorry for your loss.Secondly, if I were you I'd repesct her wishes and not tell anyone she committed suicide. If by some chance people find out the truth and decide to question you about it, just tell them why you lied, and any descent person should understand that.
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (25 September 2008):
 All I can say at the moment is that I wish you my deepest sympathies and sincerely hope you find solace in all of this. You must know that your wife's now resting in peace, and she's no longer suffering.Please take care, but you must also allow yourself time to grieve as well.BigSisx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): ++++++++++ I AM THE ORIGINAL POSTER +++++++
DAGGER4 thank you for your kind advice, I appreciate you understanding my position and your kind support.
For others I think perhaps they have missed the point a little. I am NOT in trouble nor will I be with police, doctors etc, my wife committed suicide there is NO doubts about that, believe me! And yes suicide notes, her details of her last wishes & funeral requests, things she left behind etc has already been handed over to the authorities. I am NOT a suspect nor will I get arrested. This is NOT about me.
Secondly of course yes an autopsy is going to be done, and of course all the paperwork is going to be seen by the authorities etc but I am not going to pass on this autopsy to everyone we know. My question was related to what to tell people we know (not the cops, medics etc as of course they have to know the truth!) My wife has a few very good reasons for not wanting people to know it is suicide. One of those reasons is it will cause a great deal of "shame" and possible torment from other people to both our families in their religious communities. Alot of the members in her family are quite senior and in the governing body in their religion back in her country and if it came out she committed suicide it could have very bad effect on her family, reputation etc. And like I said, because she is from a different country she has no family here, they arent going to be here to demand to see her body or death certificate etc. So if I told her parents she died of XYZ instead then they will have no way of knowing otherwise unless they fly to this country and demanded to see her body and autopsy - which is certainly not going to happen.
Also yes I do want to keep her memory fresh and pure and happy. In our community suicides are very much looked down on and slandered and I could simply NOT have people trying to tarnish her name or memory. So the more I think of it the more I feel I do want to respect her last wishes.
But now I am not sure what to say to people, I need to start making calls but part of me feels numb - numb that I do not know what to say how she died (I simply can not say I do not want to talk about it as that sounds dodgy!! SO obviously I have to say she died of something - but what? What is plausible or even believable? A cold? Flu? What? Perhaps if there is a medical minded person here who can give some feedback of a believable "reason" to say to people) And the other part feels numb because I cant find the words in the back of my throat to say she is gone forever to someone. Either way I need to go back to the hospital at some point then when I get back in I am going to finally make some calls and start telling people. Hopefully either I may come up with some ideas or perhaps there may be one good suggestion on here at least. So if anyone please has any ideas or suggestions on what I can say I would really appreciate it. I think I prefer it this way and I feel it is best this way and to carry out her final wishes that people do not know it was suicide.
For the first anonymous poster I found her response to be somewhat insensitive saying what does my wife care as she is dead and the response in general was quite insensitive. Please I am not looking on here for people who will try to condemn my wife in any way or judge her. IF anyone is to reply I would prefer to have responses based soley on what I asked. Again if there was someone else I can speak to I would, but seeing as there isnt that is why I am here.
Thanks all,
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A
female
reader, barbie0173 +, writes (25 September 2008):
Hi,Sorry to hear of your loss!My dad comitted suicide when i was 7 years old and we never knew why as he never left a note. If i was you i wouldnt lie even if it was your wifes wishes. Why lie?Truth always comes out in the end besides when the truth does out people will be more bothered as to why you lied about it etc, looks abit fishy doesnt it?You can tell people that she did commit suicide but your unsure as to why, this way you dont have to reveal how much of a bad life she had and reasons for counselling etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): I would honor her wishes as best you can. If the police think you did it you have her note as proof. If they do examine her cause of death then they probably won't be disclosing the information to anyone other than yourself or her relatives (since you said they live in another country that shouldn't be an issue). The only thing she has left is her memory and I'm fairly certain that's the reason she didn't want you to tell anyone. She wants people to not remember her with the stigma of being a suicide. If I were you I would abide by her last wishes as much as humanly possible. The only exception would be if the police think you had something to do with it, in which case I don't think that your wife would blame you for showing the police the note to keep yourself out of prison.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): If her death was unexpected there will almost certainly be a post mortem examination, the cause of death will be on the death certificate and the decision about whether people will find out what she did could be taken out of your hands.
People are bound to want to know what happened and the truth usually comes out in the end. However, that doesn't mean that you have to tell anyone. You can keep to your part of the 'bargain' by simply saying you don't want to discuss it if people ask you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): You haven't told anyone what happened yet, aren't the police asking questions? If not, they will I am sure. How did she kill herself? Seems odd that you didn't include that part. Since I don't know how she died, I don't know how easy or difficult it will be to hide the truth. Maybe let us know that part and you'll get better advice. My friend hung herself and her family told people that she died from a "tragic accident" but anyone who really knew her well knew she was suicial for 10 years. My biggest concern would be people pointing their suspicions at you, thinking that maybe you had killed her. I personally would not lie for her. She's dead, so what does she care what people think about her taking her own life anyway? I am not condemning her at all for what she did, it was her choice, but why make you feel obligated to lie and break the law in the meantime because of a choice she made? I wouldn't lie about it if it were me. I am sorry about your loss.
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